Singer69 - Seeking help for depressed wife

I just wanted to let you know that your previous thread was locked due to its length and having so many posts on it.  When they get that large it gets so hard for other members to navigate it.

So please dont think there was anything wrong at all.  You are more then welcome to continue your topic here or even start a new thread for it if you like. 

Take care

Rick,

Dont worry. We will continue to find you!  

Hope all is going well for your family this week. Hopefully it is a carousel ride and not a roller coaster ride this week....

L

Hang in there Singer69~

Depression will always be a part of your life but love will see you through!!!  Trust me i know this dont give up and know that you are not fighting her you are fighting that monster called depression! 

 

She is just the unlucky cardholder to the game of life when it comes to depression just as so many of us our.

 

I know that you are a great guy and that you really love her......KEEP IT UP, KEEP THE FAITH AND NEVER, EVER LET HER GO because of the depression.  Take it from someone who lives with not having that special one in her life that was beat down alot by my depression.  I miss his love and strength so very much on a daily basis, especially when  I am really down and feeling alone.

 

Just make sure that she keeps up on taking care of herself and that you take care of yourself.  You guys will make it I just know it!!!

Hugs to both of you!!!

Rick, hang in there and don't give up on her. All you can do is encourage her and hopefully one day she will seek some therapy to talk about her issues. Keeping it inside is the worst thing right now, so suggest to her to journal her thoughts on paper. Or maybe join an online depression support group (not HW, as this is your place to get support) so she can talk to others,.read their posts and see that she really isn't alone, and learn more about depression, enough to open her eyes so she can see she DOES need therapy. Is she on any meds?

Anyway, right now she isn't ready to see the monster that is staring her in the face, it's much easier for her to blame you for how she is feeling. Problem is, YOU are not responsible for her feelings, she is. But, the depression has taken over and it's warped her way of thinking, handling situations, dealing with people.

Red09:

Thanks, I appreciate your feedback. I really wish that she'd seek out some sort of support. I've suggested other web sites, but she is more of a private person (even though I've told her that it's anonymous) and doesn't want to talk about herself and what she's feeling. Unfortunately, she isn't a writer (meaning, she won't journal), so my suggestions there have been for naught. She told me recently that her mother told her not to write anything down that you don't want on the front page of the newspaper, so that's where that comes from, I think.

She really isn't ready to face things. She'd honestly rather just give up and move on by herself and divorce and split the kids up, etc. than face things. I told her today (not the first time) that it's okay to ask for help. I told her that everyone needs help once in a while and she can trust me to be there for her. She took that as me being condescending. !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! What do I do with THAT?? She's my wife. I didn't say that to someone on the street for Pete's sake. That's the place she's in right now. EVERYTHING is crap to her. Even when I point out nice things such as a tender moment we've had recently, etc., she has to crap on it by saying that she didn't feel the same about it and that's just the way I saw it. Ugh. It's frustrating to have every single nice thing just torn away from me because she doesn't want anything nice right now.

I do know that I'm not responsible for her feelings. But I'm responsible for how I react to her actions and words. That's really what I've been looking for support here for, to be honest. I spoke to her psychiatrist last week because she told me that they no longer need to see her. He told me that she has to want to change and get better. He suggested that she continue, but that I can't make the appointment for her. When I told her that, she got upset with me for talking to her doctor. She didn't even address what he said. She simply said that she's fine.

Kitt,

Thanks again for your ((HUGS)). I look forward to them!!

I really wish that my wife would reach out. She just feels that she's in a bad situation (she's not) and just wants out. Now, after trying to be nicer to me the past few days, she's telling me that when she's nice to me, she pays for it later by having anxiety attacks. Wow. Passive aggressive much?

Funny enough, I got really upset today and said that she's just going to have to suck it up (not those exact words) and just be nicer to me and wear her wedding ring as long as we're under the same roof (she's taken it off and refused to wear it recently) and act like a wife and mother until she can afford to do otherwise. I normally don't say things like that to her because I want her to show her own initiative, but I was pissed at the way she's been treating me and how she turns everything good into something negative. It was as if she actually responded better to me telling her what to do.

I've been saying to her that she's got to take initiative, but she doesn't. She sits around watching TV in our bedroom ALL day and doesn't interact with our 2 1/2 year old. She leaves everything up to me and our older kids. I did all of the laundry and cleaning today and have made all of the meals for weeks and weeks now. She just doesn't do anything on her own. If I went into the bedroom and told her to cook dinner, she'd get up and do it without arguing with me. She just doesn't know how to do things on her own like an adult.

The thing is Kitt, I don't want a sixth child. I want a partner in my life. Someone to share things with - good and bad - and someone whom I can admire and vice versa. If she can't get herself out of this fog, what can I do? She refuses to take medication or to see any more doctors. She won't read up on her affliction, she won't share it with anyone - anonymous or otherwise - so she's basically checked out and only gets strength from "talking" about leaving me and getting a reaction to those words from me. I also believe that she doesn't want to share her story online because she's afraid that people will tell her to get help and not to run from her marriage and family. She's in a place where she doesn't want to hear anything that goes against her running instinct.

Oy, I'm getting tired and frustrated just writing this!!

;-)

Rick...

Hi Rick,

I've been reading some of your posts over the last while and I have to commend you. You have a lot of love and maturity. As well as it seems, a lot of amazing insight. I guess it might not help to hear that, as it doesn't change your situation, but I do feel that from what you share here, you are really doing more than many men would in your situation.

These are just my thoughts from the little you've shared. Your wife's mom telling her not to share anything she doesn't want plastered in the newspaper? Yikes!!! I have to wonder if her mother told her that, what else she told her. I mean I wonder if she didn't get many messages as a child telling her that she better keep her stuff to herself, and so basically never really learned to deal with her emotions, because perhaps she wasn't allowed to really have any in her growing up family environment? Hence, now as an adult, she doesn't know how to understand what she is feeling, and so blames others.

If your wife's background is anything like mine was - very dysfunctional and learning to shut down in order to survive - then you see, this becomes a survival mechanism. Like you say, she's 'running.' It might be all she knows to do right now. But because you are there, she can't run. And therefore she preceives you as the problem. In reality, you are a gift, because you are forcing her to look at herself, but she is not dealing well with that is it doesn't feel safe. THat's what I would think anyway. She is faced with the triggers that bring her in touch with her own fears of intimacy and trusting someone.

It could be that she is even hiding something from herself - that her depression is caused perhaps from a repressed trauma or childhood that was unhappy, and generally, close relationships are what bring all sorts of emotions to the surface that she is wanting to push away because of the painfulness of them.

She sounds scared. When she reaches out to you and then says she pays for it with an anxiety attack after, it sounds to me it's because she feels she is betraying herself. I.e. the message is: "If you are soft and trust him, (or anyone) you'll be hurt again. Trust is bad." So in order to be loyal to herself, to her inner belief system, she feels the need to push you away. But then she hurts you. So she tries to be kind to you. But then she betrays herself by acting outside of her inner believe system/survival mechanism. So it's a catch 22. THis is simply what it's like for some survivors of bad childhoods - myself included. I've worked through all these dynamics in my own life, and am just shsaring in case some of it might be relevant.

Until she finds the courage to get help, she will likely keep blaming you and others. I know in my past, before I understood where all my fears etc. were coming from, I would break up with guys. And there was one beau in particular. I was so in love with him, but every time we'd get close I'd find myself breaking up with him. Pushing him away like that gave me a temporary release from all the anxiety I was having. I would feel in control of my surroundings again. Intimacy in my mind translated as 'Unsafe, bad, danger.' But I didn't know that at the time or why I was breaking up with him. It would be over totally illogical things - like how he dressed or the kind of music he liked etc. It's like everything he did looked 'wrong' to me and was blown out of proportion in my mind until I would break up with him, hence pushing away the trigger - and then I'd feel at peace, and lo and behold those things no longer bothered me anymore. (So we'd get back together, until I'd have to break up again because my anxiety would be running too high again from the closeness we would be recovering.)

I keep feeling like she is really running from herself. She sounds really scared to face what is inside of her. She may or may not even know what is there. If you know anything about her family history, it might help in order to put some pieces together. I just pray that whatever lies are keeping her from being able to share her story will lose their power over her mind and that she WILL open up and get the help she deserves to have. I hope it will happen before things go too far downhill. I would love for you all to have a happy ending together.

Have you ever thought of asking her in a tender and non-threatening tone: "What is it you're scared of? What is it you're running from?" And assuring her she will be safe if she tells? I think if you ask that question, with wisdom and care at the right time, it may just be a key to speaking directly into the core issue she is having. SHe might not feel safe enough to answer you initially. But if you can ask the question, maybe it will break the ice where those things are locked inside, and start a thawing process, one in which she will begin to ask herself that question, and hopefully over time, feel safe enough to tell you or someone what it is that she's so scared of. Just really be sensitive and speak to her heart, not just to what seems to be on the surface. She really needs to feel safe - if she feels safe, she'll stop running. If you speak to her heart, not her head, but her heart, and in her language "What is it you're scared of" - it might register inside her enough to initiate a process. I see it like her hearing her name whispered for the first time in the deep place of her heart where she is hiding.

All the best, manyembers

manyembers:

WOW. You make some very keen observations. Your story sounds VERY much like how she is with me. She moves close and then has to ruin things with her words to move away, only to move closer again after things settle down. That's the roller coaster that I've been riding the past few months.

Funny enough, I told her today, "I just can't ride this roller coaster anymore." Her response? "WHAT roller coaster?" OY.

I wish that there was something I could say that would get through to her, but as you said, I'm the one she's moving toward and away from, so she won't listen to me. I truly hope that she can make a breakthrough before it's too late for us. We really have a great family. Our five kids absolutely love each other and I love how we've raised them. I'd hate to see the kids get split up.

Your insight is spot on. I have absolutely said to her in a very calm, caring voice exactly what you suggested - funny enough, as recently as last night. She doesn't respond. She either doesn't know or she's buried it so deep that her brain won't let her access that information. She refuses to see another doctor or therapist, so I'm not sure what I can do for her.

This is so very difficult.

Thanks again for your insight. I really appreciate it.

Rick...

manyembers:

Out of curiosity, what was it that finally woke you up and gave you the right perspective?

I agree with you that this is a very supportive place. It helps me tremendously.

Thank you for your insight on this. I do feel that she is confused as to how to make decisions for herself. Unfortunately, the path she has chosen has thrown me under the bus, so to speak. When I say things differently (hoping to get something to click), she says that I'm being manipulative. I tell her that if by manipulative, she means that I'm trying to elicit a positive response, then yes, I suppose I am. But it's not in a negative way. I'm simply trying to get through to her and hopefully save her from ruining our family and her own future.

I tried to talk with her tonight about what you said and she sat there and listened. When I asked her what she thought, she asked if I was done and left to sleep on the couch. She's in her own world. She's disconnected from me. She doesn't care anymore. I told her that I'm not going to live like this where I'm doing everything I can for her and she's simply treating me like dirt while expecting me to do everything that I do financially and emotionally (just tonight, she got home from her new job and wanted to talk to me about how here evening went) for her anyway.

I'm done with this person. This isn't my wife. This isn't the person I fell in love with and had children with. She's clearly zeroed in on me as her problem in life and she's just going to have to leave and deal with the consequences if she is (as I believe) wrong.

This entire thing is sad. I'm angry and sad at the same time.

Rick...

If you want to talk or vent Rick...I'm here. IM anytime today okay.

manyembers:

I'm the same way you are. Even if I have to rip myself down to nothing, I'm always wanting to make things better for myself and those around me. My wife is NOT the same as we are. She's decided that our marriage and our family and our home is the reason for her depression (when she admits that she's depressed) and that if she gets out of this house, she'll be just fine. I don't believe that for a single moment, but what can i do?

I truly wish that my wife would have the same lightbulb moment as you. I am at the point where I have to think of me and my kids. It's tragic, really. We have five great kids. They love each other and the older kids just dote on our 2 1/2 year old. It's a really great family. I wish my wife could see that before it's too late.

Thanks again for your words. You are a very insightful person and I found many incredible insights in your posts. Thank you for sharing your very personal experiences.

Rick...

Hi Carla,

Thanks for your comments. I do love her very much. It's feeling like a curse right about now. ;-)

I will say that she's not ignoring the baby when the baby is around her or asks for attention. She is just in her own world and doesn't seek the baby out for interaction. She doesn't go above and beyond the things that she has to do for her. That is classic depression. She is a good mom normally, but she's not herself. I'm not trying to defend her as much as I'm trying to view it with the right perspective.

The 2 1/2 year old is a girl. She's the greatest little kid in the world. I just love her to death. She's smart, beautiful, and very outgoing. She loves her older siblings and they love her.

That's part of my dilemma - I don't want my kids to think that this is the way you handle problems, meaning how my wife is just running without getting help or working on our marriage. Thinking about grandkids makes me sad right now. My wife and I have always talked about having giant family gatherings (with five kids, the potential for grandkids is pretty amazing) for Thanksgiving and Christmas at our house and having all of our grandkids running around us. It's something I've always wanted. With her.

I do plan on talking with a new therapist (one that was recommended to me by a friend). If I can get an appointment with her (she's supposed to be a very straight forward lady who doesn't pull punches), I'm going to tell my wife that I have an appointment for us and that she's going - period. I think that she'll go.

Besides the 2 1/2 year old girl, we have a 9 year old boy, an 11 year old boy, a 13 year old girl, and a 15 year old girl. They are all on honor roll, get straight A's, socially they are doing well, too.

Thanks for the support - I really appreciate it. I really do.

Rick...

Thanks Shy. I am looking into that. I do check in with the kids a lot and I have simply explained that there's a lot of stuff going on right now and I watch how they are. They have been troopers. They have been handling things by keeping themselves busy and playing with the baby. I have been taking them out of the house as often as possible. I took all five kids to the grocery store last week - it was hilarious. The baby was walking around trying to shop while the two boys corralled her and the two older girls (13 and 15) did price comparisons to get the best deals. They had a blast. Cheap entertainment at the grocery store.

I did sit my wife down last night and told her that she had two choices: 1) If she's leaving, she needs to leave or set a date to leave or 2) If she's staying, she needs to start going to counseling and stop threatening to leave. She's mulling it over (I'm pretty sure she's going to elect to stay all things considered). We'll see.

Stay tuned.

Rick...

Good Morning Rick

A new day has dawned and I hope it is a good day for you.

I am glad you had a meaningful conversation with your wife and have put the two choices out there for her to make up her mind. I am wondering if you set a realistic time limit for her to make up her mind about which way to go? I would be careful not to push her to hard but pick a time and stick to it.

The children are very important as they will be confused and scared. It sounds like they are real great kids and are pitching in to help out now. However, many children of divorced families do not manifest problems until they are adults.

If you grew up as a child of divorce, you may find yourself asking: Why am I so afraid of conflict? Why do I have such a fear of commitment? Why am I always waiting for the “other shoe to drop,” even at moments of success? You may be surprised to discover how common these feelings are for children of divorce, especially as they get older.

At this point, I believe that your wife should be involved in working with the children too, as she sould be expected to  share the problems and confusion that the children are experiencing.

Sometimes children will behave in a way they think will make Mom and Dad stay together.  They will do whatever it takes to be good and make you love them and stay together.

Now, onto you, are you ready for the worse to become a reality?

An important first step will be  in recognizing the obstacles you are likely to encounter and the choices you must make, so that the pathway out of divorce need not be one of dissolution but one of healing and ultimate fulfillment.. I know you are trying not to think about divorce as a reality, but keep some thoughts on the back burner on how you will make it through if this is the final outcome.

For the time being, I believe that you are on the right track, but taking care of you is your number one job because if you fold, it looks like the family will crumble at your feet.

You have my support and gentle hugs. (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))