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Posted 8/26/2007 12:42 AM (GMT 0)

Hi everyone :-)

I'm new to this site and hope that you can give me some input on my situation. My husband and i have been married

for 8 months now. I thought things were great...little did i know! our courtship was short about 8 months. He asked me to marry him sooner then most of my friends thought was the "right" time to wait. I felt that I had finally found a man that accepted me for who I was and he actually wanted to marry me. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  Long story short, about a month

ago my easy going quiet husband exploded and said he wanted out. He claimed to have never loved me.  I just could not belive what I was hearing. I pleaded with him for us to see a counsler or a priest. We saw a priest and have tried to work things out. He says it was hard for him to talk  me because of my reactions.

I must admit that I can be high strung at times and since this incident I have learned to relax and think before I take any action. He now tells me things are better and that if he didn't love me he would not be with me. 

What worries me the most about my husband is the fact that he says he still has an empty feeling and when he wakes up he feels depressed.  How do I ask him to get help without sounding  to pushy or making him feel bad.             

                                         Thank you for your time,

                                                   ladybuggs  

Posted 8/26/2007 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum Ladybuggs~

Most of us can relate with what you are going through.  I think that we have loved or been loved by someone that is unfortunate enough to have depression.  Believe me when I sa this, it is just as hard to fight the depression than it is sometimes for a nondepressed person to understand it.

 

The most important thing that you need to remind yourself of is that it is not a personal attack against you when it is depression.  You stated that you thought you found a man that could love you the way you wanted to be loved.  YOU did, the depression and his behavior is not meant against you.  I am not sure how long he has been depressed or what issues possibly drive his behavior but the one thing that is first and foremost, he must get medical/psych attention to determine the level of depression he might have.  Professional intervention is the first step.

 

I have had depression for over 20 years and believe me when I say to you that if and when the moment comes when the depression is destroying your loved one and there is one person that can bring them back from the brink of despair, that one person may be you.

 

Keep loving and showing support as much as you can, we are here to help you the best way we can.

Posted 8/28/2007 6:48 PM (GMT 0)

Ladybuggs,

I am sorry to hear about your frustration, especially being married for such a short period of time.  I hope that you can try and understand that he is ill and does need help.  You cannot fight his depression yourself, so remember that.  All you can do is be there for him and if you notice any major changes in behavior try and get him to see a Dr.  Just make sure that you stay true to yourself and still enjoy the things you like.  My husband has not had a really easy time dealing with my depression, but he is there for me whenever I need him, we just celebrated out 1-year anniversary.  I was not depressed when we first met, but I had a back injury over a year ago and have been quite depressed dealing with the chronic pain.  I would just recommend that you stay supportive, but if you get extremely concerned or scared you might want to talk to him about going to a dr.  Also he doesn't have to go to a psychiatrist, he can go to your regular family dr. and they will help with anti-depressants.  That might be a hidden fear of his, many people are scared of the word psychiatrist alone.  Love yourself and try to stay positive, in sickness and health we find out who we really are.  He probably needs your support more now than ever.  Take care of yourself, and keep us posted.  Hang in there:)

Afloat

Posted 8/29/2007 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Everyone :-)

Thank you for your support. I'm afraid that things have turned for the worst. My husband has said he wants us to go our separate

ways. I have found out through his mother that he was just going through the motions with me. He says he has lost the love that we first had that feeling that we could not get enough of eachother He said he just can't open up to me that something stops him.I'm just numb and don't know what to think

Ladybuggs

Posted 8/29/2007 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear that things are not working at the moment. Has your husband considered seeing a therapist on his own so that he can talk freely? Perhaps some marital councilling would do some good? It seems a shame to call time on a marriage after only 8 months. Please bear in mind your own health though. If this is a long term problem, then it will take its toll on your as well, both physically and emotionally so this is something to consider.

Big British Hugs


Darren

Posted 8/29/2007 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
ladybuggs,

I am really sorry to hear that things aren't going well, I wish that there was some way to fix your situation. Marriage is tough and you have to take the good with the bad. There may still be hope, keep trying. You don't deserve to feel like you cannot communicate with him. Communication is the only way that any relationship can continue working. My thoughts and prayers are with you, I wish you well.

Take care,

Afloat
Posted 8/30/2007 10:13 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Darren and Afloat,

thank you for your words of encouragement :-) !  I have mentioned to him about getting help, if not through a therapist maybe his doctor. I just don't understand why he won't go. I tell him it is nothing to be ashamed of. Getting help is the first step to sorting out all the confusion. could he want this separation because he is not mature enough to handle the responsibility of marriage? I've talked to his mother and she claims he was not ready to get married. Here he is a 28 yr.old man who has never been on his own and he's about to get married! I think a person has to experience life on their own. Believe me I know what it is to live with your parents but i also had that desire to try things on my own. I did it. I got  rude awakening of life and all the responsibilities that comes with it. Being on my own I saw life through a different lense. There is that sense of freedom from being sheltered by your parents. Have I  made mistakes? of course but it has been those mistakes that I have experienced that have made me stronger. Maybe my husband missed out on all that or he was to comfortable to go out of his safe zone. I don't know. I just know I'm constantly asking myself if I had done this or that differently maybe he wouldn't feel this way. 

Thanks for listening,

Ladybuggs

      

Posted 8/30/2007 11:39 AM (GMT 0)
Ladybuggs

I am going to give you a different point of view. I got married at 17,the marriage was a disaster from day one. It became abusive both mentally and physically and it took me 13 years to get enough guts to get out.

If he is having second thoughts now,then I think you need to start watching out for yourself and tell him that you deserve someone that loves you and wants to be with you. Not someone that is abusing you emotionally like this by telling you he does not love you.

If he is doing this so early on in your marriage,will it continue? Will it get worse?
Simply,are you better off with him or without him?

I know those are hard questions to ask yourself,and to see in black and white but they are questions that you need to think about in order to get yourself into a healthier environment.


Please stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
Posted 8/31/2007 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Ladybugss,

I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
Maybe you can try just like sitting down with him and telling him that getting psychological help is nothing to be ashamed of, its just another thing that happens, some of us go through life without help, and some of us need a bit of help along the way, it doesn't mean that we are weak, council ling is just a thing that happens to a growing number of people nowadays.
This advice may help, or it may not, either way
Good Luck and well done supporting him all this way, I know it couldn't have been easy for you either.

Susan
Posted 9/1/2007 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
Ladybuggs~

i am so sorry to hear about what is going on.  As i said it is really hard for people to understand depression and how much damage it can do to us and those we love.

 

I will pray for your relationship because I know how painful depression is and then to feel as if you are losing everything you love because of it!

 

Stay strong and keep your faith.

Posted 9/2/2007 12:15 AM (GMT 0)

Hi ladybuggs,

I am so sorry that you are still having such a rough time.  The situation regarding your marriage is very unsetteling.  I do not know the answers to you questions, I wish that I did.  You may be right it may not be a depression issue it may be just who he is.  I am sorry you are finding this all out now, but I know that it is better to know sooner than later.  Keep your head up, my thoughts are with you.

Take care~hugs~

Afloat

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