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Depressed Boyfriend cycled and ended relationship????? Please advise.

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Posted 9/5/2007 10:56 PM (GMT 0)
about once every three months, BF cycles downward and isolates self. Am willing to be patient yet find the whole black and while situation hard to emotionally handle. Even little things like having one of his employees resign will set cycle in motion. Usually after 2-4 wks, BF will rebound. He is treated for meds and will decrease or increase dosage on own depending on mood. He is not fully truthful with dr. often minimizing extent of depression. I care about BF, and want long term commitment (been dating nearly a year) yet on a overwhelmed with situation. He does not want ANY contact until clears his head. Any advice. I am confused and puzzled. How long will this episode last? Does it ever get more even keeled?
Posted 9/5/2007 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Ann
First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

Depression seems to take everyone down that is close to the person that is deeply affected.
He needs time. He needs to be able to look in the mirror and feel somewhat ok.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this,but is there anyway that you are able to join him in some type of therapy? Even just one session where you can talk about how this is affecting you.

I feel for you Ann I really do. I can't imagine how my depression affected my loved ones. At some point we are in so deep that we can't think clearly enough to think about the ones that we love.

Keep strong


Shy
Posted 9/6/2007 9:17 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Ann,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this problem.  First of all do you love each other?  I fear your BF is non-compliant with his medication as well as his therapy. Until he is, he will continue in this pattern.

I am not the expert here as Shy knows much more about this disorder and she has given you wise advice.

Welcome to Healing Well. Keep posting.

Posted 9/6/2007 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
Shy and Kit
Thank you for solid advice. I do love him. He says he loves me. I am giving him distance, not phoning nor seeing just emailing plans to terminate relationship-getting his stuff back to him. I miss him dearly and worry about him even more. I had suggested counseling he will not here of it. Furthermore, he was addicted to valium after psych inpatient for depression. He has not told therapist he was drinking and counseling was terminated based upon the success he reported to counselor. I think for now, I need to focus on self and my son and let him work out his own answers. I still care deeply for my BF but feel I have done all I can do for the time being. I have kept the door open for friendship but I don't want to discuss the getting him back because that is not in his view possible right now. He initiated this, and I guess I need to respect that. Any other feedback would be appreciated. Thanks. Ann
Posted 9/7/2007 7:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ann,

I think (IMO) you have made a very brave move to switch your main focus from your BF to you and your son, but it is a move I agree with. You can only give people a finite amount of help. The rest has to come from within themselves. If they do not wishto help themselves (As I fear in this case) then you are fighting a losing battle.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this but I want you to know that we are all here for you and will give you whatever support it is that you need.

Take care and Be strong

Darren

Posted 9/7/2007 11:22 AM (GMT 0)
Ann
I too think that you are making the right decision. At some point you can only help someone that is willing to accept your help.
I am sorry that this worked out like it has. But,remember you deserve to be happy for both you and your son. And if this person is not making you happy then it is probably best just to walk.

Be strong and use this board as much as you need to. We will all be here for you.


Shy
Posted 9/7/2007 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Darren and Shy for your support:). Can you answer one question for me...is normal when cycling down to be able disassociate so quickly out of a relationship. One day we were engaged and literally the next day we are scheduling a time for him to get his stuff. I am hurt, dazed and confused. How can he "stop loving" in one day??? This is the third time in a year we have been dating that he has done this. Is symptomatic of clinical depression? He had taken himself off Lexipro just before this. I and my son were so woven into his life and now he dismantled it is 24 hrs and is looking for someone else. Can you explain more of this to me in regards to clinically depressed? I guess I am trying to figure out what happened so I don't let it happen again. By the way, he did not tell me about his drug addiction, clinical depression until one month after dating...doctor let it slip during an unrelated medical concern. I don't even think he cries!! I still am going to keep to my guns with the relationship but all this helps me figure it out. Thanks. Ann
Posted 9/8/2007 7:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ann,

It does sound quite normal for you to be engaged one day and packing the next. Depression is a hobbible disorder that affects peoples perceptions and clouds their judgements. This is why depressed people seem to do things which dont make sense to other people. It is logical in their head but not to the majority.

Darren

Posted 9/8/2007 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Darren
Disscetion of the relationship is not what it is all about. I need to feel the pain, heal and move on. People who do not deal with this disease do not get it. Thanks for listening. Still in pain but getting up and taking my son to an arts festival this am:)!!! Ann
Posted 9/8/2007 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
Ann
As Darren has said it is normal. We push people away that we love,and that cause enjoyment in our lives. I think we are punishing ourselves because we do not feel that we deserve to be happy.
I am wondering if your b/f did this because he also was afraid to hurt you and your son,so for him it might have been easier to walk away than to get help.



Shy
Posted 9/8/2007 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
yeah  Shy,

I think you are right. He said over the phone about a week ago. He was "...not that good, you could do better...I am not exactly a winner..." I thought he was saying that as a way to let me down easier. Still not contacting him except for email to get stuff and figure out all the items to be returned. Trying to plan the days with my son. I know he is continuing to isolate himself in his apt. I don't think I should start a conversation about him getting some other help...he isn't receptive to that right now. I will try my best to just be a decent human being and make this break as smooth as possible. I still care about him deeply. I know that a loved one can make an intervention but I am afraid it will be met with anger and defensiveness. What do you all think? Ann Oh, I want to say how thankful I am for you folks. I have burnt out my friends with this situation, and they just don't understand. They give advice which is judgmental and harsh. Please understand they mean well yet they have never dealt with depression with their husbands and BFs and they don't get way stayed in relationship for so long. It leaves me hurt and confused. confused   Ann

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