Boyfriend back!!!!

Ann,

I have been reading your posts and want to welcome you to Healing Well.

Recently, I too, joined this forum because my boyfriend is manic depressive and I knew very little about it so I thought this forum could help me understand what he goes through and what to expect/not expect in terms of a realistic relationship with him.

My boyfriend has been suffering from depression since he was 13.  He didn't seek treatment until he was in his 20's.  I have known him as a good friend for going on 8 years now, but about 8 months ago the platonic relationship turned romantic.  Anyway, after bliss for 4 months, he sunk into a depressive episode.  I had no idea how to deal with it, not until I started researching online, reading books, going to support groups, did I start to grasp a strong understanding of typical actions, symptoms, etc., a manic depressive displays when experiencing an episode. 

My bf did the same thing yours did; he withdrawals socially from friends and family with work related persons being the exception. He doesn't return calls, texts messages, phone calls, etc.  He tried to break it off with me a few months back when his episode started.  It was typical action from someone in a state of depression. I talked him out of it.

Well, It's going on 2 months now and he's still depressed, still won't talk to me, but I'm patient and waiting till it lifts.

I text message him just about every day reminding him that I love him and I'm here for him and really, just what's going on with me (we live in different states), but I do not pressure him to talk to me.  I learned in my support groups for BiPolar/Depression, pressure doesn't usually achive positive results.

So, I want to say that my heart goes out to you.  I can imagine and relate to what you are going through.  It is good to hear he called you and you two are talking and have come to some kind of , for lack of better words, understanding of how the realtionship will proceed, at last on a temporary basis.  By what you have said, it sounds like he cares for you very much and is trying to figure out how to handle things without hurting either of you moving forward.  When dealing with this illness, sometimes that is very hard to do.

I'm am really interested in how the discussion goes...over chinese    This is a tough decison to move forward and take on this illness.  It surely is no easy task.  I love my bf very much and am confident someway, somehow, we'll get through it.

Please let me know how things go and please know we are all here anytime ya'll need us for anything; vent, questoins, etc.

Take care and good luck,

WCC

Thanks for the update.  did ya'll talk about how to function when he goes into another episode?  I myself, do not really know if this is actually a possibility as I my bf is still currently experiencing an episode so I haven't talked about it to him. 

My relationship with him right now is pretty much one-sided.  I text him updates everyday and tell him I miss him and look forward to seeing him again, but I never ask him to call me and I don't phrase my messages as questions because then I put myself in a position to be let down if he doesn't reply. 

Since this whole thing started, I have joined 2 support groups specifically for BP and friedns and family of those with BP.  It has help immensely in terms of alleviating anxiety I have and talking face-to-face with people that live with someone that has BP/depression.  It comforts me somehow to know I'm not alone and is a constant reminder that it is not me he hates or me that he truly does not want to carry on with but the illness itself that we are both dealing with.  Those with the disorder literally become different in how they act.  It is not who they truly are or how they truly feel inside.  But I think it's up to us to see past that since they can't at the time it's happening.

I bought about 4 books on the subject so I can really try and educate myself to tell the early signs of the episodes and to see what else can be done to help eliminated any triggers to cause the onset of one.

I must admit, I find myself still wondering if I can do this for the long haul; have children with him, settle down, etc.  It is a very large undertaking to become the caretaker.  You will have to get used to hving a one-sided relationship when the episodes start.  How long they last, the level of intensity and how he is going to affect your life as well as those around you (son, family, friendsships) is really anyone's guess because there is not set length or level. 

Changing meds throughout one's life is the norm as well.  And going through this can also be an ordeal.  4-6 weeks is the average before the system gets used to the mix of dosages.  And the Pdoc  may have to make several attempts before the miracle mix takes.

Then of course you have whether or not any children you have with im might be affected by this disorder since it's genetic. 

These are many of the things that stir in my mind.  BUT, the one thing that I keep going back to are the many years we have been friends and how well he knows me and completely accepts me for who I am.  The time we share together when he is balanced are the best!  The comfort is something I've never experienced with someone else.

I met a therapist in one of my support groups.  He tries to make it to a meeting at least once a month so anyone there can talk to him free of charge and he cane offer advice or just listen. He specializes in mental illnesses.  Well, I have sessions with him from time to time in order to also help with the stress. 

Like you, I do not know what will happen in the future, but as of today, I am still his girlfriend, still love him immensely, still plan on moving in with him next year and still plan on having children with him should we be so lucky.  I say this because I know his heart..and I also have great faith in what has been achieved through scientific research with depressive disorders, and I believe they will continue to get better and better when the mix of meds won't be the luck of the draw, but scientifically precise as will be the treatment all together.  It's only a matter of time in my book.

I also remind myself that what goes up must come down, so the episode started at some point, it will end, and I will have my man back the way I know him.

And the last of all of this, is that I started a journal.  I started writing to him.  Nt every day mind youmore sporatic really.  But it's theraputic for me and I figure when he is completely better, I can give it to him so he knows that while he was going through this, he never lost me and I never doubted him or us.  I think it will be something positive for his trust issue.

Does what I'm saying make sense to you?  I tend to ramble (it makes much more sense in my head) but I hope I at least stuck to the point most of the way through. If you're like me, I'm sure you have a bucket of questions, so I'm here anytime you have oen to give or just want to vent..or whatever.

Look Forward to hearing from you soon,

wcc

Ann-

Boy he sure is keeping the relationship interesting! 

As for moving away from his comforts and familiararities, it's definitely a big trigger for an episode.  Everyone is different though and he may have a different reaction than what is considered the obvious. 

Is he still experiencing an episode?  His nonchalant mention of relocating for business purposes and its assumed non-effect on you sound as if he may still be experiencing one.  However, I do not know how you two are; his extent of consideration and caring toward you and the respect of the relationship and its future, at least when things are normal.

As for our relaitonship and doing it long distance, I really don't think it would be lasting like it is if I did not already have a history with my bf; with our friendship of many years.  Just knowing who he is and how he reacts to different situations that come up, that itself eliminates anxiety and paranoia on my part, about any infidelities committed. 

I don't think I could do this long term with someone I started dating and didn't already have an established relationship with prior.  Also, the plans to settle down with each other and possibly start a family keep me going. What I'm mean by that is that both of us acknowledge a future together, it's not just one-sided.

So I figure a few months is nothing compared to a lifetime commitment.  I see him in 16 days and I can't wait.  I don't know what he'll be like, but I have faith and very little expectations of him.  I am going there and will be avilable as a friend before a lover.  I know he can give nothing right now, so I will ask nothing....except maybe to pick me up from the airport and not kick me out of his house

Your situation is tough as you have a child to consider.  I too, have a child, but she is now attending college and pretty much on her own so my relocating isn't such a huge concern for her. 

To get back to your discussion on the phone tonight, it's really hard to pinpoint what is going through his mind.  If youcan afford it, seeing a therapistr may work wonders for you.  But please make sure they are familiar with mental illness.  I don't think one could help if they are not familiar with the symptoms and actions of one that suffers from BP/BPD/depression.They need to have a solid grasp in order to help direct and counsel you on your interactions/reactions with your bf.  I know it has helped me out a lot!

Well..off to bed now, I'm one tired momma!

Take care Ann and I look forward to hearing from you again

WCC

Ann,

What you are doing in terms of really looking at this relationship as something you can deal with long term, is really the best thing you can do; both for you AND him.  Many people go into a relationship acting as the caretaker knowing full well what is needed.  However, they don't look at themself; at what they can truly handle without building resentment up and subconsciously sabatoging the relationship. 

By knowing yourself and making sure this is the right relationship for YOU long term, is the smartest move. 

As I'm sure you know, many people suffering from the illness tend to do things that may seem selfish on the surface, but if looking deeper, you can see they are doing things to sabotage the relationship on purpose.  It is a form of unworthines on their part. I'm not sure if this may play a part on his intention to relocate for business reasons without considerig you being part of the decision making on such a substantial life event.

In any case, setting aside the fact that he suffers from BP/Depression, you need to take action/make a decision based on what's best for you and your child.  If you need someone that is hands-on; someone that is there for you to lean on emotionally on a consistant basis, then choosing a person with this illness as a life partner should be re-considered. 

As you have already experienced, he will have periods where he will withdraw from social activities and relationships and will not have the capacity to be emotionally or physically available to you..no matter how much it's needed.  This time , you will seem alone even though you are with him.  He did not ask for this illness, but is doing what he can to deal with the cards dealt him.  You, however, have the choice as to whether you want to continue or consider taking a different route in life all together.  By choosing to take another path without him by your side in no way makes you a bad person or selfish in any way.  It may be the best decision for you and your son.  But only you will know this for sure.

Whatever your decision Ann, don't ever stop listening to your intinct.  When too much of your head or too much of your heart gets in the way of your instinct, the choice resembles more of a crap shoot rather than a smart move.

I am not sure about what to say in terms of the ultimatum you want to him.  This may be something he agrees to but may possibly not be able to successfully fullfill/provide you.  This is where you need to consider what he is realistically able to accommodate in the relationship given his limitations with the illness.  Does that make sense?

My decision to move forward with my own relationship is fully realized on my end, as is his.  I know full well there will be periods that I will be on my own even though we will be living together and maybe even married.  I also know there is a definite chance the illness could be passed down to our children should we have any.  I will need to be self-sufficient at times when it comes to my emotional needs as well. 

I am fortunate though, in that, my bf does not have outrages and is not beligerent with me.  He does not suffer from extreme manias either so we are safe in terms of any finanical  explosions. When suffering, he tends to take on more of a stoic personality; absent of emotion/passion, and detached.

You are correct about work.  Men, more than women, tend to focus their attention on work when they are experiencing an episode.  It is a form of relief I think.  They can focus their energy on something that is not personal.  Does that make sense?  But the desicion to relocate is an entirely different story all together.

Please let meknow how things are going or s you have any more thoughts you want to pass by.  I am here and enjoy the talk; so to speak ;)-

wcc