First time on a forum (ever) - I was depressed and now my wife is.

Hi everybody, (I'll apologize now for the length of this post, it just felt good to share some of this stuff)

As stated, this is my first post so I thought I would give you some background on myself.

I have recently turned the corner on years of severe depression with the help of some medication, exercise (very good), and I guess what you would call gaining some maturity/perspective as time marches on. The thing is, my wife has now become depressed. I can't help feeling that I may have brought her down with me during my rather long episode (5+ years) as I have been told before by others (at work etc...) that I have a strong effect on the dynamic of a group and that the mood that I'm in usually spreads to others.

Also, when we first started living together, she was very taken aback by my (then) sometimes violent temper. Be assured it was NEVER directed at her or our son and usually involved me getting mad and yelling at some object I was working on or punching a hole in a wall or something. I have since conquered this ugly facet of my personality (with the loving understanding of my wife I should add) and realized that hating myself for acting that way was probably a major cause of my own depression. Anyhow my wife being the gentle soul that she is and coming from the most beautifully loving and functional family I have ever had the joy of seeing (we're talking Little House on the Prairie here ) , these bouts of intense negative energy coming from myself were understandably upsetting for her. One of the things I loved the most about my wife was the pure joy, enthusiasm and honesty with which she would approach new situations and life in general and I can't help feeling that I am partially responsible for showing her a much darker side of reality.

Anyway, the situation now is that I am very eager to help my wife heal as I love her very much and will do anything it takes to help her get well. She knows that she is not well and I think would be willing to accept help although she is very weary of medications as a whole. She has stuck with me through so much that I feel I will never be able to repay her. The problem is, I am not sure how to approach this. Our communication process suffered some damage during the rough times and I fear I may have "broke something good" for ever. She is much more closed off than she used to be (a defense mechanism against the jerk that I used to be) and I'm scared that she will never again trust me with her deepest thoughts and feelings. Tonight I poured my heart out to her and offered my love and support in an email as this seemed easier for me than trying to tell her face to face. Perhaps some of you have experienced something similar? Have any of you gone to marriage counseling and if so, what was it like?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and sorry again about going on for so long.

SC

SC


First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,we are very glad that you found us and I know you will find the support that you are looking for.

Doug has given you excellent words of wisdom that is for sure.
Marriage counseling is a good thing,it gives each of you a chance to talk about what is going on. They are trained to ask the right questions so you won't be required to just start talking.

I think that you and your wife are very lucky to have each other..understanding the other person's depression is a major step. So many times we see on this board where the other half does not get it,therefore the person goes without support. And that is very sad.

Hang in there and stay strong!


Shy

Glad I was able to share something meaningful. 

Well, I personally am taking Escitalopram (which I think is marketed as Lexapro in the States) and like you said, it has given me the "boost" I needed to break out of some of the patterns I was stuck in. I truly feel as though I am ready to go off of them now but I'm holding back just in case it doesn't go well and hinders my ability to support my wife. As far she is concerned however, taking any kind of medication is a bit of a thorny issue as she is very un-trusting of pharmacology as a whole. I think this is due to some bad experiences and her being very sensitive to drugs of any kind (I once came home late one night when studying to find an ambulance in my drive-way. She had taken a NyQuil for a cold and was violently ill and hallucinating.) We will be going to therapy (her on her own first) as this is the only thing she is willing to try at this point. She will talk to me but I have quickly learned that the best thing to do is to shut up and listen ;) Whenever I try to sympathize and share what I experienced, I get the "It's not the same, I'm not depressed!" and "It's easy for you to be positive you don't feel like I do". Which I can understand because that's how I felt for a long time. There's a very fine line I think between offering support and making the person feel like you're being condescending. Still, makes for pretty dead end conversation so I am optimistic about having an objective third party offer some direction to the proceedings. I must say, talking on this forum has been a great help and has changed my outlook on the subject from anxiety to hope.

Thanks
SC