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Posted 9/16/2007 1:32 PM (GMT 0)

Sorry I know the last link says what every woman should know depression is a treatable illness....but this is really for everyone not just woman...it is a great website from the National Institute on Mental Health. 

Please excuse my spelling mistakes eyes   I am typing outside and it is like 47 degrees here right now and I am shivering....I am going to go to Mass now but I will be back in about an hour and half to check back.  Hang in there

Hugs

Posted 9/16/2007 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark,

I just read through my last post and realized that it could be interpreted as though I was "pushing" you in the direction of medication and would like to say that that was not my intention. All I wanted to convey was that that was what worked for me. I agree with els that the important thing is to seek professional help, whatever form it may take and that after everything is said, you are the best judge of what is right for you.
Posted 9/16/2007 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys Els thanks for sharing about yourself and all the links they will help i am sure.SirFunky thank you also for sharing and your word of encouragement I know u trying to help and i got what u were trying to say thank you .
Posted 9/16/2007 3:41 PM (GMT 0)
I am not sure why i feel this way it consumes me my every moment it has for so long I am thinking its just me a weak caracter it drives me insane in my mind to know that i am wasting away my life and i need to do something but i dont and that i have no idea what i want from life. I hear and i read about depression but i find it hard to beleive that it could be me what could have caused it ?the things of the past ?i put them away and almost forgot about them nothing to be done about that.Why inspite of swearing to my self that i will not be that person I have become exctly that person why am i afraid of ppl why have i never belonged why am i so diffrent why is there an emptiness inside nothing can fill could the answers be so obvious.So many things how do i resolve my current situation so i can move one and where do i move to ,how do i interact with a world i continualy fight and fear?????how do i make peace with my self and accept who i am ?????
Posted 9/16/2007 5:49 PM (GMT 0)

You're taking the first steps now, dark.  Pat yourself on the back for once and say"good job".  I'm patting you on the back and saying "good job", you deserve it.

Doug

Posted 9/16/2007 6:35 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Dark, The questions you ask are the very same questions we all ask ourselves.  I have felt that darkness, emptiness and feeling of being so isolated from everyone and everything.   It is one of the worst feelings ever.  I can tell you that when I started medication for my depression it didnt totally take away this feeling.  There was a lot of work that I had to do for myself to get well. 

One thing was taking a look at my diet.  I noticed that when I ate a lot of fast food or fatty foods I felt more depressed.  Another was I started to get outside and do some exercise.  Like walking.  For me when it was sunny and nice out I started to find it difficult to be depressed or find fault with life when I noticed so much beauty around me. 

A lot of people put stock in writing down their feelings just to get them out and this can be very helpful but, for me it didnt work much.  I have so much that I have just held inside for so long that I dont think  it will ever come out.  Counseling helped for some of my issues but others I think I have had to just find peace and resolve them on my own.  If that makes any sense.  There are days that I still feel restless and I dont know maybe quite I guess but, for the most part I really try not to analyze what is inside of me.  I just concentrate on life day by day.

Posted 9/17/2007 8:49 AM (GMT 0)
I am trying i really am just not getting there i feel like vomiting have phoned a helpline to find someone who could help me for free because i dont have money and got a number it took me 4 hours to finaly pick up the phone the first time i put it done in there ear ggggggggrrrrhhh get so irritated with myself for being like this and then after rehearsing what to say for another hour i phone the number they gave me and i get to a central desk and they ask what i want and i go into a flat spin did not expect this i expected the person who could help me i explain best ican how i got the number and all she askes is who do i want to talk to i dont F*&^% know she puts me trough to the ER department and i put the phone down because this is not an emergency dont want to waste there time i am not hurt, i just need someone to help me rigth now and i dont know how or who to ask i know u laughing at me for being so pathetic.I hear what every body is saying i read all the info it sounds so easy so simple to fix this but i cant do this the urge to just end my life is so stong right now and seems so much easier than trying to find help where ther is nun for something no one can see and generaly consider just a weakness in character and a unthankfullnes for evrything i have............the tears runing down my face is not going to help me make it trough this day i know yet i cant stop them I cant do life like this.................  
Posted 9/17/2007 8:55 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry i know u all helped as much as u could and i appreaciate that i know I need to take the information and do what i need to do and if i cant then thats my problem nothing more u can do dont want to irritate u by posting the same story over and over thank you and best of luck
Posted 9/17/2007 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark,
Don't worry about irritating anyone. That is why we are here. Depression does not go away overnight. And you have some very hard decisions to make.


Please keep us posted.

Shy
Posted 9/17/2007 11:49 AM (GMT 0)

Hi dark

You're right.  This isn't an easy problem to fix, it takes a lot of work.  It's hard for most of us to ask for help, we fear we will be thought less of or laughed at.  Let me assure you that know one here is laughing or thinks less of you.  Quite the opposite is true.  We suffer with depression as well and know how it feels.  I was diagnosed with severe depression 18 years ago.  Through the course of treatment I was also diagnosed as Bi-polar with Severe Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder.  It has been a long road to get myself to a managable condition, but it was worth it.  I'm a better person to my wife and to my three boy's.

Keep posting here dark, you're not irritating anyone.

Doug

Posted 9/18/2007 4:30 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Dark,

Hi there, this is Kitt again and I have been following your posts.  The members that have been replying to you have done a fantastic job and the information is wise and personal sharing of their own experiences with depression.  I have had depressions and anxiety for 26 years, so I am not a stranger to this disorder.

I would love to hear more about you, your life, the work you do and just get to know you better. Sometime a little background will give us some insight in to knowing you better.  That is only if your comfortable sharing.

I know south Africa is very large and I have a friend on another site that is from there but I am sure she live in a larger town than you have talked of.  I know she has a doctor and has been hospitalized for her depression and struggles too.  So this is an illness that is world wide.  Your not alone.

You posted that crisis wanted to put you through to an ER, you did not want to bother as your problem was not an emergency...........here in the US it would definitely be considered an emergency by the ER staff. Please do not worry about others when you are reaching out as right now you must take care of you.  You have to use every ounce of your energy on helping you, so go ahead and call and talk to every single crisis number you have until you get through to the one that will hear your cry for help.

Turst us, there will be someone out there that gets the message.

Gentle Hugs

Posted 9/18/2007 9:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kitt

Thank you for the reply appreciate it.There is not much to tell about me feel really pathetic after reading some of the stories and listing to some ppl in chat i just seem so unthankfull and useless .........

I am very lucky have been healthy physicaly most my life past 2 years been struggling a bit with fatigue food allegies and stuff but nothing serious.I have been a loner most my life dont have friends ,have brother and mother but not really close
I have lived all over the place but last two places was Cape Town for 7 years a big city by the see then moved the last year living on a guest farm 20 miles from the nearest town up in the north of South africa like i mentioned with my partner and 2 dogs.I dont really work help out around the farm a bit but nothing really for me to do, i use to try and be a pro cyclists but stopped did sports massage and endurance coaching part time but the clients went away when i stoped wining races, dont really have any hobbies or intrests just stealing oxygen wasting my life at the momnet going insane and dont know what to do about it...........

Never really knowen what i wanted from life or what i am suppose to do here just been going with the motions and latley havent been going now where.

My relationship is complicated and if i told you nobody would probable talk to me agian so lets just leave it at that..I probaly dont really belong here this is place for ppl with real problems and illness not for a lazy bum like me ........sorry

Post Edited (Dark) : 9/18/2007 3:48:06 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/18/2007 3:54 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Dark,

Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you have some really great things that you have done in the past to be proud of. Right now you are really down on you and that is where we have to begin.

The self esteem seems to be at the bottom for you and now it is time to start the climb back up and we are the people that can do it.

You need lots of coaching and ideas to get that self esteem out of the pit.

You are not worthless and everyone belongs here, we are all equal and not just taking up space.  Your job for today, should your choose to accept it, is to stop thinking of yourself as worthless, that is self defeating.

So that is your priority, to turn that talk around.  You are worthy, you need help and you do belong here,  I says so  :)

So here we go, you ready to work hard?  Other members will share with you how they have increased their self esteem and I will post next time some things for you to work on.  Today just let the idea sink it that you are Worthy.

 

Posted 9/19/2007 9:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Kitt and everybody for all the help I appreaciate it and i agree that i need to change my thinking.

It is hard I just want to run away and hide it seems so much easier than to accept that i am worth somehting because I have felt like this since i can remember I have never seem worthy enough no matter how hard i have tried ....... , its like star wars inside my head good and evil fighting it out sparks flying and at the moment darth is so strong .... AAAAAGGGG every word i write is a battle darth keeps telling me that I am not strong enough i am so afraid that all this help will go away.......
Posted 9/19/2007 3:51 PM (GMT 0)

OK Dark

Here we go, let's look at self esteem. 

What is Self Esteem?

Your self-esteem is the way you look at yourself. If you have good self-esteem it means that you like yourself and you believe that you are as 'OK' as everyone else. If you have poor self-esteem it means that you believe that you are not OK, or that you are inferior to others.

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion. Self esteem is feeling ok about who you are.

Let's start with your getting used to the idea about feeling ok about you, practice this thinking and we will move on when you have this down and truly believe in yourself.

Your job is to repeat "I feel ok about who I am". 

I believe in you so lets work hard on turning your thought processes around.

Take care

Kitt

 

 

Posted 9/21/2007 8:02 AM (GMT 0)
I have been trying but it is complicated and for me to have any chance of sucess i need to change my situation and that is the very thing i cant do, cant explain dont think anybody would understand and dont think this forum is the appropriate place but thats life...........I am so lost dont know what to say the emotions the urge .............just ............gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....how do i keep holding one why???????????............

Post Edited (Dark) : 9/21/2007 2:34:23 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/21/2007 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Dark
I think you would be amazed at what we all can relate too. Everyone here has a story, and we all usually end up sharing our story mostly because it feels better to get it out.

Even if you feel that people do not understand,at least you now have a vice (this forum) to express yourself.
When I first found this site,I was a complete mess. I credit this site with all of the very understanding and caring people for helping me. Even if it was just me typing away and bawling at the same time.

Stay strong and remember we are here for you if you need us.

Shy
Posted 9/21/2007 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
Ok thank you Shy

At the momnet i am a mess and i need to talk about my life before i go insane have been keeping it inside 36 years now.I have been struggleing with these moods since age 16 havent been to a doctor or to a councelor or anyhting the reason firstly the stigma not alowed to be down or weak have to be perfect my own believe that i was just pathetic worthless and i had to deal and fix this on my own and off course the money. There has been plenty low times where i have been very close to let go but somehow i got up again but i dont have the energy to do it anymore have been very dark the past year cant shake it fresh out of life I know alot has to do with what is going on in my life rigth now and alot with my past whether i like it or not.

I dont know excatly how to put this and my apologies if i offend anybody.

Like i said my life is a mess and yes it is my fault not looking for excuses just cant deal with it. I am flat broke with a mountain of debt no job so no income debt collectors on my case 24/7 not reall good at anything not lot of jobs avail.I have been in a 7 year *** relationship that should have never been because i am not gay and have been living a lie yes that makes no sense long story and yes i am a very bad person. We been satying on a farm running it for some idiot who could kick us out any minut in exchange for a pace to stay i cant leave because have no where to go but the streets.I am anti social have no friends only a brother and mother both strangers .I dont get along with the human race which is kind of important if u want to live in this world ........... anyway thats enough for now hope i dont offend anybody just need to get it out
Posted 9/22/2007 6:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Dark,

I don`t think for a minute that you are bad person or that you`re offending anyone here. And hey, we`re all part of the human race here and we seem to be getting along don`t you think? Someone whom I respect a lot once told me that when thinking about your life and where you've been and what you've done, it's good to tell yourself that the best is yet to come. I believe that when you get a hold on your inner dialog and feel better about yourself some of the things you feel are out of control right now will seem more manageable and you may find that the hole your trying to dig out of is not as deep as you once thought. I hope that you will keep sharing, we are not here to judge, just to help you heal, and getting things of of your chest is a great start to that. I have known lots of people who were in all kinds of trouble (I used to be a professional musician) and I don't think they were bad people just that they may have made some bad decisions. You've already shown that you want to better yourself by posting here and that makes you a good and courageous person by my standards. Don't give up! You've already taken some big steps. Think of when you were cycling; if you keep attacking this thing one 'hill' at a time, you will eventually reach the finish.

SC
Posted 9/22/2007 10:24 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Dark, I am extremely surprised you had no luck with the links that I posted for you.  They are for people who are in crisis and used correctly you can get straight through to speak to someone.  Yes, they may refer you to other resources in your area for further help beyond what the person on the phone can do...after all that is their job.  But you still have thoughts of self harm then you need to get to a hospital or doctor to speak to them regarding this.  It is very serious and important that you dont let it go.  These kind of thoughts can eventually overpower your resistance...while you have the chance seek some form of treatment for it.  Dont worry about finanaces at this point...your health (mental) is way more important at this time.

I can fully understand your feelings of thinking others will not know how you feel or be able to grasp what you are explaining here.  We all have this feeling.  I know I do when I post.  I think we for the most part do have some isolation with our feelings and that is what makes it so hard to get them out and believe that there may be someone even if it is just that one person out there who may feel or understand what we are going through.  For me holding all those feelings inside were toxic and once I finally got them out...with much anxiety I have to add, I felt much better.  And was amazed at how many people really related to what I had been through and how I felt, how I still do feel.  SO, dont be afraid to let those feelings out...we are not here to judge or what you have been through.  You may actually be surprised how much support you can receive...you never know...

Posted 9/24/2007 8:02 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the replys and words of encouragement.

My life has come to a grinding halt and its forceing me to a point where i need to deside if i give up or deal with all the stuff, if i deside to deal i will have to grow do stuff i dont want to just thinking about it makes me feel sick then there is the doubt if i can do anything.
We are all shaped and influenanced by events persons and happings in our lives it shapes our believes and our responses to that around us.
I have relized long ago that my responses and interactions with the world were not ideal I have always just accepted what hapens good or bad and just put it away and i know that the past is gone nothing I can do to change it and no point to live in it but as much as i want to believe that its over and done with it is not I need to go back and deal with te emotions and reset my responses in order for me to live in the now and if i hope to find some kind of future.
It is so easy to give someone else advise and see the problem but for myself i cant at this point and i know i have to start moving forward real soon because its getting worse my strength my will fading, aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i am so frustrated with myself I dont want to be who i am but i dont really do much about it except sit here and contemplate my own death.I have tried reaching out to some help but i am so dame oversensitive and affraid of humans why i dont know there is no logic to it . This cant be all i was born to be ?
Posted 9/25/2007 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Dark

Depression takes us to a very very dark hole,and it seems that we will never find our way out of it.
The good news is,you will. It does take time,and you have to work at it. There is not a magic pill that we can take that will make it all go away.
Life gives you so many turns and curves,and it is up to you to make the best out of each one,and try to overcome it.
I really think you need to see if you can get some type of financial help for your depression. Even if it is just talking to someone every couple of weeks. In order to heal from the depression you have to deal with what has triggered it. And not sit in a dark room hiding out from the world.

You have alot to give,and you will be ok,and all of your emotions are normal with depression.


Please keep us posted and stay strong,you will see the light at some point.

Shy
Posted 9/29/2007 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
The facts no one but you yourself can fix what needs to be fixed and if you cant then the thats life.I dont know when this darkness will overcome me its only a matter of time this i know.I took the steps i reached i talked but in the end there is no solution never was never will be, i will smile and i will joke i will cry for those who where overcome and someday my time will come to....     
Posted 9/29/2007 9:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark,

Please hang in there and have faith. Like so many people, the end of the tunnel can be hard to see but it will always be there. We, too, will always be there for you. Whether you are having a great day or whether you are having a day where the darkness is over you, we will be there to share your ups and downs.

Darren

Posted 9/29/2007 10:53 AM (GMT 0)
Dark

If you are unable to do anything else,at least use this forum to share what is going on with you.
There are so many of us that have depression,we are still fighting it and some of the members are in the worst part of the depression right now.

Also,I have found that by reading through other posts and trying to give my advice and insight on the disease,that it does help me.
Maybe it is just being able to finally talk about it and not feel like I am going crazy. This is the only place that makes the depression episodes somewhat "normal" ..does that make sense?

We are here for you please remember that. And stay strong!

((((((((HUGS)))))))))


Shy
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