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Posted 8/12/2007 8:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone.  I don't really post anything here but "hanging out" here makes me feel like I'm not alone.  I've always been really shy and I don't have any friends to talk to and I have a lot going on in my life right now.

First of all, here's a little background info about me...  I'm 29 and I've been with my boyfriend Brett (he's 41) for over three years and we live in the Seattle area with our two Boston Terriers.  I dropped out of college due to my depression and I still haven't gone back to finish.  I probably have a year and a half left to finish my bachelor's degree but I don't know what I want to do or how I would pay for it.  I'm kind of embarassed about not finishing school because I always had really good grades in school and now I feel like kind of a failure and my parents are probably disappointed.  When I meet someone new and they ask me what I do for a living I'm always really uncomfortable and I don't want to talk about.  I have a hard time working in stressful situations because of my depression and I also suffer from anxiety and it is hard for me to work with people and answer phones etc.  I found a part-time job at the local police department doing transcription where I'm in a little office all by myself and no phones or anything to worry about.  I like it but it doesn't pay very much and since it's only part-time I don't get any medical benefits or anything and I don't have enough money to get counseling or pay for medication.  Brett is a pilot and with his schedule he's away from home for sometimes a week at a time.  I don't really have any friends of my own but my parents and the rest of my family all live nearby and I've lived in the area my entire life.

Brett's job is base out of Newark, New Jersey so he has a long commute every time he has to work.  He is understandably sick of his commute so we recently put our house on the market and plan to move to the east coast.  I'm pretty nervous about this because I'm always alone a lot as it is.  I don't know anybody over there and I won't be able to see my family any time I want to.  At least here I can see my parents if I'm having a really bad day.  They only live about fifteen minutes away. 

Worrying about all the decissions I need to make about school, work, money, moving, etc. are kind of overwhelming me right now and I have no idea what to start with or what to do.  I just found out that one of the officers from work died from cancer and I'm having a hard time with that too.  I didn't know him very well because he went to the hospital about a month after I started there but he was really nice to me and made me feel welcome there.  It brought back a lot of bad memories from when my dad (also a police officer) was really sick with cancer when I was in middle school/high school.  He's healthy now but I had a hard time dealing with it and he was really close to dying.  His cancer wasn't diagnosed until it was already stage four.  Nothing was working and his doctors thought he needed a bone marrow transplant.  Everyone in the family was tested and no one was a match.  He was in and out of the hospital for a couple years.  I would think about things like what if he's not here to see me graduate or who am I going to have to walk me down the isle when I get married.  He started getting better and the doctors couldn't explain why.  He's been cancer-free now for about twelve or thirteen years but I still get really worried if he even gets a little cold or anything.

I can't put my finger on anything specific right now that's making me feel this way.  I guess it's just a combination of everything going on in my life and my depression in general that I've had to deal with my whole life.  I don't remember ever feeling happy about anything.  Ever since I was a little kid I felt like I didn't belong and I was constantly worrying about anything and everything and always feeling hopeless and feeling like nobody likes me or understands me.  Has anyone else felt like this for their entire life?  I'm starting to think it will never get better. sad

Posted 8/12/2007 11:28 PM (GMT 0)

HI,

This is Kitt and I am so happy to meet you.

It sounds like you have a lot to feel anxious about and I think perhaps your biggest stressor right now is the selling of your house and moving. I am going to ask a couple of questions and feel free to answer or not.

Do you really want to move with your boyfriend out east?  You do not sound like your happy with his being away so much which makes me wonder if your happy in the relationship?

Leaving your family is also a huge factor in your anxiety and I understand that.  I am sorry that you have no therapist. I know that would be a comfort to you.

You sound like a wonderful person as much of your post is about your concerns related to  others and the loss of a fellow co-worker. I am proud of you for holding down that part time job, any chance it would develop into more than part time?

I see a few issues I think you are feeling guilty about re failing and feeling embarrassed about not finishing your schooling.  I believe that your family loves you and they are not judging you by whether or not you have your college degree.  I also sense they are proud of you just the way you are.

You never have to apologize re who you are or what you do. You are an individual and there is no one else like you. You have no reason to explain what kind of work you do or anything else to people who ask questions.

The best part of your post was hearing your Father is a survivor, 13 years, that is awesome. Try not to dwell on the what ifs. Living in the moment and just live today. Try not to worry about what you have done in the past and try not to anticipate problems in the future.

Love your self as you are a worthy person with a Mental Health Disorder.  Hey, your in good company here. :)

Many gentle Hugs. Stay with us and keep posting.

Posted 8/13/2007 2:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hazelbug~

welcome!

 

Sounds like you have alot on your plate so the best thing I feel would be good for you is to take one thing at a time.  I am always overwhelmed and without trying to handle all the "crap" in my life, i would be worse off then I am eyes

 

I attended college when I was pretty depressed and it was the one thing in my life that I really was afraid to do but I made myself do it.  It was the best decision I ever made, it took my mind of being depressed and I was able to fulfill a dream of mine. 

 

Good luck and one thing at a time.

Posted 8/13/2007 8:36 AM (GMT 0)

Hi HazelBug,

You seem to have so much going on at the moment that no-one could blame you for being anxious. Moving house is one of the hardest things that people do and it is a BIG stressor. In terms of how to tackle what is going on and needs sorting etc... I would make a list and then work your way through it. 1 by 1.

RE: Schooling, it seems a shame that you have not finished your degree given that you are so bright, but its got to be your choice and as Kitt said, you dont have to appologise for who you are or the educational choices you make. Im sure your parents would be proud of you and love you just the same. They may feel disappointed FOR you but only because they love you.

Brett sounds like a nice man but there is little detail. Are you ready to move to the East Coast with him? Being British I have NO idea how far Seattle is from Newark but I know where NJ is on the map! If you are not ready to move then dont. But think about moving to a new place where people dont know you. If they dont know you, they have no pre-conceived ideas about you, no judgements etc... Its a blank canvas that might help you make some friends.

I hope things turn out the way you want them too. Keep us posted

Darren 

Posted 8/14/2007 3:53 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks to everyone for the support. :) I'm feeling a little better today.

I think I am ready for a move to the east coast. I'm pretty nervous about it because any kind of change always makes me nervous but I'm kind of looking forward to a change and a fresh start. My relationship with Brett is really good. He's the only person I've ever felt completely comfortable with and he's really funny. The only problem for us right now is his commute since he has to be gone so much. If we move over there it will make a huge difference in his schedule and he would be able to be home most of the time. The downside would be being away from my family and possibly being alone on holidays, birthdays, etc. if Brett had to work those days.

I don't think my job could turn into a full-time position. There's not really enough work for that. I work on-call and it's usually only two or three days a week. I haven't really been looking for anything else right now since we're selling the house. I don't know when we'll be moving.

Darren, Brett's family is British too. We went over there last summer to visit. I loved it over there! Oh, and FYI, Seattle is about a five and a half hour flight from Newark and he has to fly stand-by so sometimes he can't even get on a flight.
Posted 8/14/2007 11:00 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Hazelbug, You have already received many great responses here so far.  I just wanted to add some suggestions for you to consider to maybe help in the mean time.

One is that on the internet there are several places you can go to fill out a depression questionaire.  I would suggest trying one of these, printing it out and taking it to your doctor or if you cant afford to go to your doc then perhaps you have a free health clinic in your area.  Many drug companies are helping people with depression and anxiety get medications at low to no cost who fall within a low income guideline so if your only working part time I am sure you would have no problem getting help there.  Or perhaps your parents would help pay for the doctors visit but it sounds to me as if you do need to seek some sort of medical intervention.

Second, I can so relate to so much of what you wrote in your first post about feeling out of place most of your life.  I have lived with depression, ptsd and anxiety/panic for most of mine.  It took a long time for me to finally decide to get on antidepressants and an antianxiety med and now I have very little problems with either.  (knocking on wood) lol!  I also get the whole thing about school.  I am almost 34...(few weeks, not pushing it here) and still trying to finish up on my masters.  It is fustrating when most people already have their degrees and are doing what they have gone to school to do.  BUT, in reality school is extremely expensive so if you are having any sort of doubts right now about going back then dont.  It will always be there and always be an option and you can wait until you are more sure of yourself and your situation to go back.  Dont push yourself.  Trust me, it sucks when you start a class then realize you cant handle it and have to drop, and still have to pay for the class.

I like Darren's ideas of making a list.  I do this all the time...now, only if I could find them.... eyes

Posted 8/16/2007 8:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi HazelBug,

If you think you are ready for a move ot the east coast and its what you want then I would go for it! I would be worried if yiuo were not nervous since this is a REALLY BIG change. Those kind of nerves are natural. I would give thought to the fact that Brett would be home much more than he is now. If you have got used to living as you are, and then suddenly he's around all the time, it can feel like you have no space and that will take some getting used to.

Best of Luck

Darren

P.S Thanks for the geography lesson!

Posted 9/17/2007 2:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone.  I haven't been on here in awhile because I was in a car accident and haven't been able to work or do much of anything.  I'm doing better now but I've been in physical therapy a couple times a week and getting massages too (that part is kind of nice).  I have some neck and back pain and sitting for any extended period of time makes it worse so I can't really go to work and sit in front of a computer all day.  I'm getting a little stressed about money because my insurance company said I could get reimbursed after missing two weeks of work but since my job is part-time and on-call, my employer can't really tell my insurance company that I've been gone for two weeks straight.  My boyfriend says I should think about suing the guy's insurance company who hit me but I don't know.  My car was already fixed and I'm getting the medical attention I need.  Has anyone else been hurt in an accident?
Posted 9/17/2007 10:34 AM (GMT 0)

HI there,

Its nice to see you back on the forum HazelBug! Im sorry to hear about your car accident but in the same breath I am glad it was not serious enough to kill you. As for the insurance part... I wouldnt dream of trying to advise you on that front as I know that your insurance system is MILES different to ours in the UK.

Nice to see you again

Darren

Posted 9/17/2007 11:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Hazel
Welcome back,and I am very glad that you are ok from the accident.

I think I would take your b/f's advice. I have never been injured,but my ex husband was in a car accident and the insurance company contacted him and settled right away. I think it is kinda strange that they have not bothered to contact you. I would see if you can get a lawyer's advice.



Shy
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