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i think i'm depressed?

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Posted 10/9/2007 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
I think I'm depressed. I suppose I will know for sure later this week...my college is offering a free screening tomorrow for depression and I thought I'd go to that. Has anyone ever been screened before? Do they get you help right away, or just tell you to go to your regular doctor?


I just started Grad school this fall, and after only 5 weeks in, I feel like I'm falling apart, and that I have no control over my life any more. I simply can't make myself do homework, study, read articles, etc. My concentration and motivation are shot. Which is so unlike me! I worked so hard to get into this program, and I normally have no problem motivating myself. Even thinking about homework or going to class makes me shudder. I feel like crying a lot of the time, but I don't let myself.

I go to bed every night and it takes me awhile to fall asleep. I wake up at about 4 or 5 every morning thinking that it's time to get up. After looking at my clock, I go back to sleep, and then a few hours later, I end up turning my alarms (all three of them!) off in my sleep, which of course results in oversleeping. I wake up feeling worse than I did when I went to bed.

When I eventually wake up every morning, all I want to do is stay in bed. I have no energy (which sucks because I'm a runner and have plans for a spring marathon or half marathon...). I don't even want to leave the house. I just want to curl into a ball and hide away from everything. I ache everywhere and have for weeks.

And I feel so incredibly uncomfortable, because THIS ISN'T ME!!!!!! I'm not this person! =(

I am a normally very happy person with at least moderate energy. I normally love going out with my friends, and now find excuses to stay at home, where it's safe. I was thrilled about being admitted to a pretty selective and intense graduate program, and now I don't even want to go to class.

I'm just so frusterated with myself.

Post Edited (kaiti) : 10/9/2007 11:02:03 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/9/2007 6:00 PM (GMT 0)

Kaiti,

You are probably depressed.  It is a good thing that you are thinking of seeking help early in the episode.  I am sorry you feel that way, it is an aweful place to be.  I have gotten help in my college before, they are actually good at what they do.  They were very professional as if it were in the real world.  I was an undergrad student, I am not sure how it works for grad studetns, sorry.

I am going through something like that now, I have 1 more semester to finish, and my motivation went out the window almost the 1st week of school.  I think a little bit of it has to do with stress.  I struggle to do my homework, I am tired all the time, can't think clearly, can't sleep.  I have not felt like this in  a long times, and wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Thinking of doing myself sometimes gives me a panic attack, but somehow or another it gets done.  Maybe not my best work, but it gets done.

You should definetly go to your counselling center and ask for help, it they can't help you they can reffer you to someone who can.  Again, you are not alone.

Hang in there!

Posted 10/9/2007 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
Kaiti

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,I am very glad that you found us and I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

Once they screen you,then they will refer you to your doctor. Now keep in mind,the signs of depression can also be signs of another illness which is why you need to seek a doctor right away.

Please keep us posted and good luck.

Shy
Posted 10/10/2007 12:35 AM (GMT 0)
I have never been "screened" for depression, but you sure sound like you have it.  I have been experiencing a lot of the things you mentioned and it is not like me either.  I have been like this since I had a baby 4 years ago. I know that is sad and I should be happy because I always wanted a baby, babies actually.  I feel so bad because sometimes I get grouchy with my daughter and I just don't have the energy to play with her.  I recently stopped my meds and going to a therapist beause they were not helping. Oh well, maybe you will respond to me.
Posted 10/10/2007 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
oops, Kaiti, I forgot to welcome you to the HW family, again Welcome.
Posted 10/10/2007 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the support, all. I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow, but mostly because I hope they have *something* they can tell me. I can't stand feeling like this. And it bothers me when I tell my friends that I think I'm depressed, they don't really believe me. They just think I'm burned out. Well, I've been burned out before, and it was nothing like this. It would be nice to have something concrete to work on, whether they say I'm depressed or not.

depressedmom, It's not your fault that you are depressed! I've done some research over the last few days, and if I've learned anything, it's nothing that you can help. I mean, if you can, you should definitely see a new counselor and/or doctor. There are ways to manage it, perhaps you just haven't tried the right thing yet. Don't give up! I can tell that you care about your daughter. I hope that you can find the right treatment, I know how it can feel to not be yourself. It's not fun.
Posted 10/10/2007 9:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hey.  I looked online last night and it is my understanding that they will provide you with info and send you to ur DR for a full eval if they suspect you are depressed.  I know what you mean about telling ANYONE you are depressed.  I have stopped telling everyone becuase they expect me to be better by now and they don't think depression is a big deal, especailly my mom, my in laws and my hubby.  It is sad I know, that I don't have any support.  That is why I came here.  It has been 2 years and I am beginnging to think there isn't a medicaiton for me.  I go back to the DR next week to try one last change of meds.  I looked on this website and saw that the next chat session is Oct 18th.  Do you know how that works? Keep in touch.
Posted 10/10/2007 3:12 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Kaiti,

I, too, would like to welcome you to the HW family. It certainly sounds like depression, but as Shy has said... it could be something else so a check-up at the doctor is important. The chat sessions can also be a help to people as well as depressedmom has said. You simply log in using the CHAT button in the blue bar at the top. It is like one big chat-room with a bar at the bottom of the window for typing.

All the best

Darren

Posted 10/10/2007 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I had the screening today. It was probably the least helpful thing I've ever done. Basically, I filled out a sheet, and then met with someone who looked at it, and said "You have depression and should talk to someone about it."

Wow, really? I could have told myself that.

And what makes it even worse is that the person doing my screening was this old guy with such a thick accent that I had a hard time figuring out what he was saying. I eventually did, but only after he rephrased everything several times. I was so uncomfortable. (Apologies to those of you who are old and with accents. I have nothing against you!) It's just that as a young woman, an old guy is the last person I want to talk about personal things with. I got out of there as quickly as possible.

Now I don't know what to do. He said nothing about talking to my physician. He only mentioned that I should talk to a counselor, and when I talked to my mom, she agreed.

Am I really to believe that talking to a counselor is going to make me stop hurting so much? Talking to someone is going to make my body stop freaking out with the aches and pains, bring my appetite back, and help me sleep? It just seem so crazy.....

I feel more confused than ever now.

Any advice? =/
Posted 10/10/2007 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
Talking is not the only thing that helps, there is journaling and medications too.  I still haven't found anything that works for me.  At least it sounds like you can count on your mom for support.  I can't stand it when I tell someone how I feel and all that and they reply with "Well, make yourself do it.  Or  Why do you feel that way?"  If I knew, I wouldn't be seeking help or I for sure would not choose to feel this way!  I try to stay busy when I am able and feel up to it.  I do better at work when I am around people.  I have no friends to actually do anything with.  The weekends are what I dread the most.  Sad, isn't it?  I lay in the bed for the most part of the day unless my husband doesn't have to work and he has to really get onto me about doing things with him and we often end up getting hateful with one another.  I am finding it comforting to just talk to you guys online.  I hope you start feeling better.  I would go to the DR and see what they suggest for you.
Posted 10/10/2007 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
You might want to see if your area has a county or community mental health center around. If so, you should be able to call them and make an "intake" appointment. The mental health center here is wonderful. Usually they do intakes with registered nurses and they evaluate you and ask you questions and decide where to go from there. And they have payment plans and things of that nature to help low income people as well. So hopefully there's a place like that near you and you can get help. Good luck :)
Posted 10/11/2007 10:05 AM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

Im sorry to hear that the screening wasnt as successful as you were hoping. That must have been a huge disappointment for you. I would talk to a councillor... that is a good idea, but as depressedmom has said, there are other ideas out there as well. Seeing your physician is the first thing to do (IMO) just in case it is not depression, or depression mixed with something else. I cannot see how someone diagnoses depression from a quick questionnaire... I was lead to believe that depression was more complicated than that.

Hopefully you feel you are getting the support you need from you mum and us.

Best Wishes

Darren

Posted 10/11/2007 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
I do feel like this is a great place for support, thank you. You all seem wonderfully helpful and supportive. My parents are as well. I feel like my mom is trying to be more involved than I would like her to be. She has had some problems with depression in the past and keeps bringing them up, saying things like "Well, when I had depression...." And it's just hard to deal with. I understand that she's only trying to help me. I really do. But it just feels so patronizing, and then I end up feeling bad. Because I know I really do need her support. It just seems a bit much at times.

I guess I will make an appointment with my doctor. Why is it so hard to pick up the phone and make the appointment though? Ugh.
Posted 10/11/2007 2:52 PM (GMT 0)
It is hard to pick up the phone and make that call, perhaps you should make yourself go in person and make the appt.  I remember I called and made 2 or 3 different appt and when that day got here I was in a good mood and always cancelled!  Finally I made myself talk to my OB Gyn when I was at the DR for my appt anyways.  I feel comfortable around her.  Just hang in there with your mom.  She is only trying to help.  Ignore her - I mean, listen to her, but you don't always have to do everything she suggests.  If you don't mind my asking, what are you going to graduate school for?  Are you currently working too? Think about those good grades you will get with all your hard work.  Get you a study partner or a group to help keep you motivated.  Maybe they can even meet you at your place since you probably won't want to get out much (if you are like me).   Seems like it gets worse for me on the days I don't have any sunshine!  When I am home, I turn all the lights on in the house and light candles. :)   Talk to you soon.
Posted 10/11/2007 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
Kaiti,

I wanted to tell you that we are here for you if you need us. Best wishes on making your appointment, and I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there!
Posted 10/15/2007 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I made an appointment for this afternoon with my doctor. And I'm going into my school's counseling services on Wednesday to do an intake thing and make an appointment for a session there.

Annnddd that's about as much as I have to report on right now. I'll probably post again after my appointment, especially if the doctor has something interesting to say...or prescribes meds...

ETA:

depressedmom, I'm going to school for Library and Information Science. I'm also in a subprogram for K-12 school media. Which means when I graduate, I'll be able to be a librarian pretty much anywhere, and in any type of school or public library. I work as a coordinater for tutors through a program called America Reads, and I also do a few hours a week at an on campus library. I did manage to make a friend at school this week, and she said she's interested in studying together sometime. =)

Post Edited (kaiti) : 10/15/2007 8:27:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/16/2007 2:38 AM (GMT 0)

Kaiti,

You need to go back to your first post to see how much progress you have already made in such a short time.  I am very proud of you.  Seriously, go back and read it.  Then, look at the plans you have in motion.  It is a one day at a time deal, but you are definitely going to be o.k. and we're are glad you are part of our little family.  We really do care about you and you are kind of stuck with us.

Love you!

Carla

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