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The news is not good part 2 for Restless

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Posted 11/2/2007 5:16 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane,

Thank yiu so much for checking in with us. Im glad to hear that you have got through the cancer treatment, and the clinic will now pose a new set of challenges to overcome. I know you have the strength to do this. Are they moving you onto the 'Depression Floor' when a bed becomes available?

Congratulations on getting this far... you have come such a long way.

Darren

Posted 11/2/2007 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
morning all ,
well i did survive my first day here but it has been so hard there is one staff member here that has been helping a lot he is a bit pushy but i need it otherwise i would not leave my room .Yesterday i went after his pushing to an art class ," ART " and me are not even on the same planet .
but atleast i had a go i was so terrified and not sure what they expected of me .all the others have been here for ages .
be back later .
Jane
Posted 11/2/2007 10:43 PM (GMT 0)

It will do you good to try new things. Like you, me and art are not compatible. Give me a hard-drive and a bunch of cabling and im fine... give me a paintbrush and I will be lost forever! Its also nice that there is someone pushing you a little. Like you said, you would stay in your room all the time if they didnt and thats not veyr good for you. Do they offer activities that you would enjoy? Perhaps a sport or game? (Football, Tennis, Bowls, Poker, Chess, Blackjack etc...)

Darren

 

Posted 11/3/2007 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
Morning all ,Well yesterday wasn`t a good day at all i found it very hard to cope with indeed ,i didn`t attend any classes i had a meeting with my psycharitrist which should say enough digging up the past is not a good thing to do at the best of times and when he told me not to go back to my room and think of what we had spoken about ( how the hell am i not going to think about it ) he would of had to totally knock me out .
Then i started recieving texts from hubby not anything to upset me but i s[ent the afternoon in tears from his words all those things i expected him to be saying to me for the past thirty years and not leaving it until now to say them to me .
Then last night when he rang it suddenly clicked he had been speaking to the psycharitist from the hospital where i underwent the cancer treatment .so infact it was from that conversation that these words have come not from him .
I spoke to my oldest daughter as we talk openly to each other and she has even mentioned a few things to hubby even after i had not asked her to as last night he told me he would come down only if i really wanted him to he didn`t want to upset me she was the only one i had spoken to over this so now i just feel what i tell her is only going back to him ,I want him to do things because he wants to not because someone puts an idea in his head ( not sure if this is making any sence)
I`m still not sleeping after seeing the psycharitrist yesterday he doubled my anti depressant,it is also to help me sleep but by one i was awake again and i didn`t ask for sleeping pills last night i wanted to see if i could go back to sleep on my own but it wasn`t the case so now i`m just so tired i can`t keep my eyes open and have no energy .
I do not feel comfortable going down to the dining room to have my meals with all the other people and we do not have meals in our rooms so i don`t eat anything .it really doesn`t worry me weather i eat or not it`s not that important anymore .
Ok i had better go i don`t even know what i`m writing is even making sence but i just need to let it out and this is my safe place to hide my room and this forum are my santuary .
Hope you all have a great day/night whatever the case maybe .
Jane
Posted 11/5/2007 11:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Restless
I am sorry things are not going well. But you do need to continue your care,and one day it will be better. I know how hard it is to relive the past. But if you want to heal that is something you have to do.
As far as your husband,I can understand your frustration. But,hopefully he is realizing what he should have been doing and will start doing it now. You need the support and he should be there for you.
It sounds like him talking to you doctor was a good thing. It opened his eyes.

One day at a time my friend.

Shy
Posted 11/8/2007 6:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all sorry i have not been in for a while but have just felt so exhausted both physical and emotionally .
It took few days to get use to this place and once i finally found out what the go is i`m am coping a bit better.
Each day i attend classes which i am learning to deal with my feelings and to recognise them for what they are and more importantly what thye are doing to me ,then putting into play some stratergies to use in their place.
The psycharist has put my meds up x4 but thats ok i can handle them ok and atleast someone is still checking to see that they are actually working not like the hit and miss dr out home.
This afternoon i had a massage it was so relaxing and it felt so good it cost a bit but seeing that i`m not going to be out of pocket for the stay in any of the hospitals i have been in recently nor the drs i thought what the heck .It was sure worth it all i want to do now is to have a nice hot shower and crawl into my bed .
I`ts been a wet cold and miserable week here so glad i have a good excuse to stay inside .
But my daughter is coming down this weekend to spend some time with me so i`m so looking forward to it .
I am actually feeling a bit better this afternoon just hope it lasts .
My poor nose i don`t know if it will ever be the same it`s just so sore with no skin on the inside from the radiation and after seeing the oncologist for another problem he tells me it`s looking really red just like the reindeer ( just what i needed to hear) but he gave me a big hug and said that in about three months it will be fine .
Night one and all .
Jane
Posted 11/8/2007 10:23 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane,

Its always nice to hear from you. Im glad that you are settling down and the massage sounds wonderful... just what the doctor ordered!!! Weather is cold and miserable here as well. (Typical British weather! lol) I hope you have a good time when your daughter comes to see you and that this good feeling lasts.

All the best

Darren

P.S I had to laugh when you said your nose looked like the reindeer... given that xmas is nearly here, I thought it was quite seasonal! You know im only pullin your leg!

Posted 11/8/2007 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jane

Wow, I am so glad that things are finally starting to look up for you. I think that the days will only get better and you will be able to tell us that you feel like a new person soon!!

Take advantage of the time with your daughter,that is great that she is coming.

You deserved that massage,they can do wonders to make you relax.


Shy
Posted 11/12/2007 7:12 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all ,Well it`s been a few days since we last communicated and things have not gone to plan .First of all yes my daughter did come down i was just so pleased to see her and we has a wonderful ( but very stressfull ) couple of days out i kissed and hugged her goodbye yesterday afternoon i was really sad to see her go but thorougherly exhausted at the same time .

Last thursday things started on a down hill slide afternoon class i just felt like i didn`t even want to be there but as soon as it finished i went to my room showered and went to bed it was just one of those afternoons . Fridays afternoon class i had to leave after about ten mimutes i just couldn`t even stay in there it was just to over welhming for me just too many people in the room .

Last night i got a phone call from home everyone having a winge ...hubby doesn`t want to play mummy he has had enough and then the kids winging about their dad at them all the time  hubby wants me home now i just don`t need all this i don`t want any of any of it i just want out any way i can .

I was pleased my daughter was here for the weekend but the nights i couldn`t sleep ( i think i was just so excited ) well last night after having two sleeping pills i was still awake at four so then they bought in the valium and finally sleep came to me only to be woken at six by the bloomin fire alarms going off ( how would you be two hospitals and in each the same thing ) i wasn`t impressed at all and well as you can imagine the rest of the day was totally screwed up i just didn`t want to be here and as it is i`m just waiting for nine o`clock so i can have my medication and go to bed.Just hoping that tomorrow will be an improvement I can`t cope with many more days like today  .

Darren yes my nose i thinkiis even brighter than the reeindeer but all i know is it`s reallly painful there is no skin on the inside of it and a lot missing from the outside now not what i thought it would be like but given a lot of time and hopefully when it heals it will be a bit better but in just looking at it not maybe the plastic surgeon might have to do a bit of repairs to it Talking of which i need some pain relief for it so will say goodnight to all .HUGS

Jane

 

Posted 11/12/2007 11:38 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane,

Im glad that your daughter came down to see you. That must have meant a lot to you. I can understand how your husband and kids might feel but they need to understand that this is something that you need to do. Do you know how much longer you have left? As for the nose, Im sure it will heal. Its great to hear from you again.

All the best

Darren

Posted 11/12/2007 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
Restless

Is there anyway that you can go to group therapy 3 times a week and then have one on one the rest of the week?
At some point your family has to understand that you are trying to get better.
It might come to a point that you will need to refuse the calls until you feel that they are not going to guilt you into coming home before you are ready. It is time that they suck it up and deal with it.
This is not about them. This is about you getting better.
Can you talk to your counselor and ask them to call your family? What about a conference call? Where everyone has a chance to whine at once,then the doctor can lay the rules down?

You need to have a clear mind to be able to work on this,and they are not helping at all.

Please stay strong.

Shy
Posted 11/12/2007 5:55 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Jane,

This is Kitt and I am so sorry I have been MIA but had a family situation here to deal with.

I have been thinking of you and praying for you.  I so agree with Shy, this is about you and your recovery not about your husband.  You need to take care of you and please know we care.

I am so sorry you are not receiving the love and caring you so deserve from your hubby.  Your daughter sounds like a sweetie. 

Try not to beat yourself up over the days you just cannot participate but perhaps find a substitue activity for that day.  I know it is easy to isolate and let the world pass us by as it feels comfortable but in the end we must get back to a life of living with people. Remember it takes lots of baby steps to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Many gentle hugs to you.

Kitt

Posted 11/13/2007 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Restless,

I am new here and not familiar with your whole situation, but I have an idea of what you are going through just from reading the posts here. It's obvious that you are very highly thought of and that there is an awful lot of warmth and love being sent your way every day. I would like to send you some hugs also and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, Dear.....it seems we are always stronger than we realize in times of trouble. I came to this site because I am living with so many problems myself.....and feel so darned hopeless at times......but when I read about what YOU are going through with having cancer as well as so much depression, I am ashamed to complain. I felt so sorry for you when you said you could not read at night because the light bothered others in the room. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't read!!!!!! You need one of those little book lights that just light up the page you are reading. They are really very handy to have! Do you have any family or friends close by who are able to help support you while things are so bad? I will sign off hoping that the group therapy will not be too difficult for you and that perhaps you will even find a new friend there, and that the two of you can help each other get through the bad times.

I see that people are signing off with their diagnosis and list of meds. I have major long-standing depression, Sleep Apnea, Restless Legs Syndrome, Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, Scoliosis, Spinal Disk Disease, very painful arthritis in my whole body, Anxiety Attacks......and I am trying to help my son defeat alcoholism and drug abuse which is extremely stressful for me. He is living here now and we are supporting him financially, which adds even more stress.

Am taking Oxycontin for pain and Restless Legs, Cymbalta, CPAP therapy, and Provigil to help me stay awake during the day. A little Xanax now and then. Have tried many other meds along the way.

And I am very.....
Discombobulated
Posted 11/13/2007 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning /Evening all well today is the start of a new day and at present i don`t feel too bad in myself but then again i have not left my room yet .Yesterday i saw my psycharitist and we had a good chat about the conversations i was having with my family and he told me even though it was not good at the time it was infact a good thing as most people here in the clinic live locally and they get to go home for weekend visits and trial out what they learn each week where for me it`s not the case because it`s not feasiable to drive 13 hours one way just to see if i can cope .Thankfully the phone calls have not been that bad i think it was more of hubby letting out a lot of steam and thats one thing i know he has a lot of .Some days i have coped really well and actually felt so good but i know the meds are a big part of that but i`m attending all my group classes and so far have only walked out on one as i couldn`t cope at the time so each day it`s getting easier .
One thing i have learn`t is that i will not be used by anyone anymore and as for my family making me feel guilty i hopefully can now use what i have learn`t to turn it around back onto them.It`s going to be hard and i know i will make mistakes but hopefully it will be a lot easier from now on .
As for my cancer or should i say where i had my cancer the site has broken down so much in the past few days i have to go back and see my oncologist again tomorrow ( i only wish is that for once something went the right way for me instead of causing more problems ) i`m so worried that i will loose the graft now as it has become so yuck looking but will wait until tomorrow and see what he has to say.

It`s so good coming in here reading all your notes it really does make my day a whole lot easier when i find things going bad i just think back to a comment i have read i sit for a moment and then i can move on so you see it`s sort or a great inspirational thread this one that i can use time and time again .
People say our paths cross for a reason and that i do believe.

Discombobulated
First i would just like to say welcome to the forum it sure is a pleasure to meet you and like me i hope you can find the help , friendship and encouragement you need in your life in here .As for my problems being greater than yours thats not the case we all are frighting our own battles some a little harder than others .Your battle is indeed a much harder one than mine i too look at others around me and think hey what i have been through and am going through and most probably go through in the future is no way as bad as many .But in saying that you have come to the right place for help this is a safe place for me and one that i can trust fully as i hope you can .
We all have an inner strength and that i know i have called upon many times being in this clinic has taught me a lot and the fact that they are group sessions are so daunting to me they are good as i am learning to acept others into my life and to be around others again .


Would you believe on Monday morning six o`clock we were all woken to the fire alarms going off again this is the second time since i have been down here that i have been evacuated from a hospital not a good way to start the day at all .Thankfully it was aparently set off due to a alrge amount of steam in a bathroom but this must be a record or something.

Yesterday one of the psyc sisters came in for a chat just to check up on how i was going he ended up in tears when i actually told him how i was feeling ,i just told him i was having a crappy day and why then he told me it`s ok as everyone has them all the time .He was on when i first came in here and he told me he was amazed as to how i am responding to treatment /i told him that all of this has helped me so much but in feeling better inmyself i`m worried that i`m just going back into the hiding mode again ( hiding a lot of my actual feelings from everyone )i`m not so sure what is real and what isn`t if you can understand that .
Tomorrow is my second daughters graduation and i`m sorry i can`t be there : but a big part tells me not to worry because of how she treated me over the years .she most probably won`t even miss me .I bought her gown before i came down for my treatment and last weekend when my oldest daughter came down i bought her some lovely jewellery to go with it so she will look lovely on the night and i will definately be thinking of her just feeling sad that i can`t be there.
Ok thime to head off hope you all have a wonderful day and all your problems be little ones .
Jane
Posted 11/14/2007 12:12 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes
I am so very very proud of you. You have done what most of us can't and that is get the help that is needed and knowing that it is working and knowing what you have to do.

You are my role model,please do not ever forget that!!!
I am so glad that things are working for you. You deserve so much congratulations my friend.

Please keep telling us everything that is going on..we all need to hear it and I have a feeling that your huge steps to recovery will help so many of us on here.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Shy
Posted 11/14/2007 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
Shy thank you so much but if i didn`t have all you guys in here i wouldn`t be here telling you my progress today.
This morning i have had a bit of a set back i have been moved from my room they now have me down with all the others in the same boat as me it`s called the mood floor i`m not happy with this move as i made the other floor my home and was comfortable with it .This new room has a funny smell to it and it`s so much smaller hence i have the air conditioner turned right down to very cool so it makes it easier for me to breath i have a bit of a problem being this confined not sure how it will be .
One thing for sure i believe god played a big role in me being here also he gave me the cancer so that inturn i would be given the chance to get this help that i`m now getting .Things could of been a whole lot worse for me when i stopped and thought of it but in comparison to a lot of others with cancer mine isn`t that great afterall .
Sure my face will never be the same and i will always have that to remind me but then i think of the many who have scars so much worse than mine i`m the lucky one here .
Everyone is a bit on edge here today as one of the inpatients had a really bad night and was removed from the clinic because she harmed herself and there was such a lot of comotion during the night and everyone being in their own sensative state has been effected .
Restless
Posted 11/14/2007 5:30 AM (GMT 0)

Good Evening Jane,

I am sorry that you are having a bit of a down day.......the mood floor?  Do they really call it that? I am sure if someone had a bad time it affects all that are around and hear about it.

Remember who you are and that you are doing so great.  Your attitude is wonderful and you are truly a role model to all.  Your beauty is from within so please remember that.  You were made a special person by someone of infinite power.

Bless you

Kitt

Posted 11/19/2007 11:10 AM (GMT 0)
sorry i have not been in for a while but been caught up in a lot of classes and the homework involved with them .I was going along really well and was really looking forward to my hubby coming down to visit .But sadly it didn`t go as i had planned and i`m not sure if it`s the meds ,depression or weather it`s me but i do not have the same feelings for my hubby as i use to have .I can`t even bring myself to talk to him about it .
I discussed it with my psychologist today and she sais not to make any decisions for a while to give it more time and see how things go ,But she said to talk to my psycharitist tomorrow in our meeting and see what he suggests .Tonight i feel just as bad as the day i came in here but i really do think i need to go home as it`s now been seven weeks since i first left home for the cancer treatment and i miss my home and my kids so much .
Restless
Posted 11/19/2007 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Restless

Once we start healing from the depression our outlook on our lives seems to be different. We see how we let other people treat us and decide that we are not going to put up with it anymore.
I agree with the doctor though,not to make a decision until you are 100% sure that is what you want.

Right now you just need to focus on getting better from both the cancer and the depression,and if you make a rash decision about your husband that might throw the depression back and that is the last thing you need.

Have they given you a date on when you can go home?

Shy
Posted 11/19/2007 9:35 PM (GMT 0)

Morning Shy i`m so tired this morning i only  slept for four hours last night so it will be a long day .My psycharitrist told me last thursday i had about ten days to go and when i saw him on Saturday he then said i had ten days to go so i`m hoping that i will get home somewhere middle to end next week all going well .Will see what he has to say today when i see him ,but i think a lot to do with my current mood is that i have been away from home for such a lond time it originally was only to be three weeks and so far now i`m going into my eight from today so it was all totally unexpected .                                                                                                                 Restless

Posted 11/20/2007 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Restless

I think the doctor's want to wait to send you home when they feel that you are stable enough to handle the family situation. Personally I applaud them because they saw that you were hurting and needed help.

I know you want to go home,but you are finally getting the help that you need and that is the most important thing right now. I know you miss them,but they are ok without you for awhile. And quite frankly I think this is best for them too. They took you for granted for way too long..it is time they got a serious wake up call.

You have to focus on you and getting better.

Shy
Posted 11/23/2007 1:46 AM (GMT 0)
Shy i am pleased that i finally go some help and the care is so wonderful here and i know that the dr`s will not let me go if they know i`m not ready or unable to cope .
A few situations i have been faced with since i have been here have been good as i know there is someone to help me if i need it and that help has been great.
I know i`m really apprehensive about even going home and that it will be really hard trying to adjust after all this time ,hopefully by next week i will know of what services are available to me but if that even means driving a three hour drive one a week then thats what i will do .Now i have been able to step back and see what my problems are and hopefully be able to work on them with the help of my family..( Hubby has had a good talk with the oncology psycharitist from the the hospital where i was treated for my cancer so he is aware of a few of the problems ),he is a lot more understanding now and has been good .
I know in my heart i need to decide what i really want at the end of the day but that decision i can`t make at the moment until i know i`m out of this depressive episode as i now then it was the right decision and not being clouded by everything else that is going on ,I think hubby deserves that i choose accordingly .
Yesterday i achieved a big goal and that was to go for a walk by myself ,It`s something that i have not done for many years and believe me it was the hardest thing i have done in ages , but the fact that i did achieve it was a great feeling .
At lunch time yesrteday i recieved a call from my oldest daughter with the greateast news she got the job she had applied for i`m so pleased to hear my kids moving ahead taking great strides to improve themselves and make life a little easier for themselves. At twenty three she moves from being a childcare worker to the new Emergency officer for one of the mines in our town .She is a very bright and a totally switched on young woman one that i`m just so proud to call my daughter .She has achieved more than most people have achieved in a lifetime .She has been there for me when i stumble and she knows a lot more about mee than even my husband she sees everything there isn`t she misses and is such a caring and sensative young woman .
So far three of my five children have done really well for themselves and i know the youngest is such a go getter that i`m sure when the time comes he will achieve his dreams for the future and move ahead accordingly ,i only wish my second daughter had half what the others have but as to what the future holds for her only time will tell so i will await and see just what that is .
Restless
Posted 11/23/2007 4:34 AM (GMT 0)

Restless,

I have been moving this past week and haven't been able to check in to see how you are doing.  I know this time away has been hard on you, but like Shy said, it was what you needed.  You had to be there for your cancer treatment and I think you needed to do some sole searching also.  You would not have been able to have done that at home.  The doctors will know when you are ready to go home.  You went for a walk yesterday, was the weather nice?

I know you have to be so proud of your daughter and her new job.  It sounds like all of your kids will do well, the other one will come around.  So, that's a good start on a gratitude list right there.  Some time when I'm feeling really low, I have to make a gratitude list.  Some times I'm amazed at how long that list can be.

Restless, I wish you the very best.  I am glad you have been keeping us updated.

Love and Prayers to You,

Carla

Posted 11/23/2007 12:40 PM (GMT 0)
That is great news Restless, Congrats on taking a huge step! ( or a bunch of steps haha)
I am so glad that they are getting your hubby involved in your treatments. He is probably seeing what he chose to ignore for so long,and I am glad that he is trying to do better.

You are very strong,and you know what is best for you..and your follow through in making your life better is awesome!


I know you are proud of your daughter,and remember you can take credit for her doing all of those things because you taught her well!!

Shy
Posted 11/26/2007 5:26 AM (GMT 0)

Restless,

I know you think a lot of Kitt.  I wanted you to know that her sister passed away on Thanksgiving night.  Kitt had spent a week there recently with her sister in the hospital and then went back home.  She was home for a few days and got a call from her family that her sister was much worse so she went back there.  I think she was there almost a week this time before her sister passed away.  If you feel up to it, I know it would mean a lot if you would send Kitt an email.

Take care!

Carla

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