New Member Making First Post

So I'm really not sure how this will go, but I suppose giving a bit of history would be a good way to start. I've struggled with depression off and on beginning in high school. After my freshman year of college, a very close friend and neighbor who was more like an older brother died unexpectedly and i was pulled from school, made to live back at home, and it was a downward spiral from there. I pushed away most of the friends that i met, and only kept in contact with a select few that i had been closest to all along. The year that followed saw me extremely depressed, unmotivated, and i would sit for hours and cry even about nothing at all. My father had a cocaine addiction that i witnessed firsthand growing up and my family thought that it had been kicked. We all believed my father to be a truly genuine individual until we noticed that ALL of our money was gone and my father refused to say where it was spent. (he achieved this by forging my mothers signature on many many bad checks) My father was the one in my family that i was the closest to and i haven't spoken to him now for almost 3 years. I am now in college, and have had many trust issues with guys which i think can be traced back to my father. I am terrified of being left by the men i date, and following a bad breakup with a wonderful guy that i dated for over a year, I am seeing myself fall back into the patterns that i suffered before with anxiety, panic attacks, and constantly dwelling on the situation to the point that other aspects of my life (such as schoolwork) are falling behind. It seems that no matter how hard i try and who i surround myself with, I simply can't pull myself out of this mindset, and my friends are understanding, but they all seem to think that it is easy to forget and get on with things. I joined HealingWell because i thought that hearing kind words and inspiration from people who may feel the same way might give me a bit more perspective and hope...

Hi Katie

Welcome to HW. You have been through a lot and it is good to express how you feel. I understand what depression is and mine started since childhood. I have read that most very succesful people have been victims of depression. Some regard it as we are special...in a good sense people. As Teresa said you have to take care of you. I agree you take care of number one first.

Sometimes we need meds to give us a jolt to getting better. Have you ever been on antidepressants before? It would be a start to see/talk to your PCP about this. As for dating maybe you should put it on hold till you sort out your emotions so you eliminate one area that is now stressful for you. A lot think its easy to snap out of it but you and I know differently. I think your friends mean well though but its hard to understand something you have never felt.

I wish you well and here you will find a lot of caring people so come along and talk whenever you feel overwhelmed.

Hugs
GT