Difficult days and Empty nights

i imagine that everyone is getting tired of my boohooing about what I m going through lately.  I sit here tonight kinda sad.  I am patching some old jeans, they are my favorite jeans so I hope the patches hold, I do kinda have a big butt, LOL

I am not sure if any of you watch American Idol but this was something that my baby and I enjoyed together for many years.  It seems like no fun without him.  I wasnt watching it for awhile because it was too hard but I am trying to watch it, I keep waiting for him to call and say , "hey, can I come over tonight and watch AI?"  That would make my day if only for a short few hours just to see him laugh and do all the crazy stuff that he does, just one time would make me so happy.

My depression is pretty much raging lately.  I did get out and do some errands.  In fact tomorrow is the grand opening of my favorite store and I am going to go tomorrow afternoon and check it out.  This is something else he and I shared.  I know I am love sick but isnt it great to see that there is still undying love in this world, just the thought of him thinking of me makes me feel better.

My depression seems to be a little harder to handle in the late winter going into spring instead of late fall into winter.  I am having a hard time lately and hope that I have some new info about the surgery I spoke of.

Well just thought I would get on here for a little bit.

Just got back from my trip to the store, it was so insanely busy that I felt a little clostraphobic.  I see couples laughing together and showing each other the things they find.  I guess today I realized that maybe I shouldnt be holding on like I am.  During my times of memories it reminds me that he has gotten on with his life and laughs and enjoys times like this without me, no I dont expect his life to stop but I guess I dont understand why he doesnt miss me.  I know there has been a lot of hurt between us and maybe it is easier because he was the one that was hurt the most.

I am extremely heartsick this afternoon because I guess I should stop looking for him to come see me, afterall I am realizing that he doesnt love me anymore.  I just dont see how he can go day to day without seeing me, I know for a fact that if I didnt think he would be mad, I would surely call him or stop and see him but I respect his decision to go on without me.

I am really sad, really sad and dont know what to do with myself

How do I let go of him like he has me?

I saw a friend of mine today and she said that I look really thin.  I told her that I havent been feeling good.  I just know that my depression would not be as bad if I could wake up tomorrow over 4 years ago, but I wont.

REally depressed guys.

Again today I have not felt well and my son actually doesnt feel well either.  I am going to try to contact my doc here in my city tomorrow.

I have been in tears most of the day.  I bought two little aquatic frogs about 3 years ago.  I know this may sound silly to some but one smallest frog, alby died in my hands this morning.  I have two of them alby and crazy legs and now crazy legs just sits at the bottom of the fishbowl I have them in until I can figure out why alby died.  My shark also died but I was not close to him.

I know I may seem a little immature but my pets are the only thing I have besides my kids that love and depend on me.When it comes to losing something it is devasting. 

I did find a job in the paper that I am going to apply for, it has me written all over it, that made me happy.  I have discovered that I must go to work, well or not because I will not make it even here at this rent, financially.

I am torn between emotions and I dont think that is helping anything.  I am also sad about babytiger, I will miss her caring words.

Just seems like I am in a nightmare and I cant get out, I just wish that I could talk to someone who understands my sadness, not my therapist but someone close enough to me that they can feel the pain I am feeling.

Tomorrow is a whole new day, right?

Hi Teresa,

I have pets too, two dogs.  They are both getting up there in age and I know when they leave me I will be devastated also.  They become so close to you and love unconditionally.  I hope you can get another frog.  That would be good for crazy legs. 

I hope that you have a wonderful night.  I hope that you get that job.  That would be so awesome.

Hugs,  Karen

No email from you.  My email is so messed up since I left aol, I am ready to scream!!!  I am not a computer person at all and I feel s stupid when I am on here.

I woke up this morning and found one of my angel fish was dead this was my son's and of course he was heartbroken.  I just wish I knew why all of a sudden my pets are dying.  Crazy Legs just lays at the bottom of the bowl, it is like he is just waiting to die, I dont know what to do, I feel helpless and like it is my fault that I did something wrong.

I havent been outside today but it looks like it is nice, it doesnt really matter to me though, I dont know why.

Well just wanted to check in with you and say hello.

My other frog died during the night so all my aquatic animals are dead.  I did sterilize the tank and all the contents.  I am really depressed today, one because of my frogs but it is really ugly outside.  I feel exceptionally lonely today, more than most days.  I did get my laundry done this morning so that was done, I had just enough money todo it, my money situation is scaring me right now, I have had to cancel doc appts because 1. I dont trust my car that far 2. They wont see me unless I pay on my account with them.

So yes I am struggling lately, just want to smile.

I know what you are saying.  This is going to be wrong to say and I would never wish it upon anyone but it would be easier to get over him if he had passed away.  In saying that, I think about him being with her, laughing, going through serious things you know getting enjoyment out of life, and you wonder how you are going to feel like that without him.

I know that I amgoing to have to give up on him because he has on me and that kills me.  What I wouldnt give just to see him once more, to smell him and to look at him like I use to  do  when it was bedtime, I would give anything!!!!!

I guess I have to understand with each passing day that he will never come to see me again.  I was lying when I said I dont watch for him to come over, I am here every evening, just hoping tonight would be the night.

I guess I have to let him go, I just wish I could see him.

It is hard being so in love isnt it?

No matter what sex your soulmate is with is just as hard as another couple.  I have sat here tonight praying for a visit or call to see how I am and of course I am still sitting here wishing for just ONE more night, I know at this time that there cant be "us" for now but I would welcome his touch even though I know that is all I can have right now. 

I want to have an night like it is the last night of our lives.  Have you heard that song by Alicia Keys?  It makes me cry because of what is going on.  If I knew the last time I touched him would be the last, I would cherish it like I do everytime we have been together just in a different way.

I am hoping that this is the week he may show up at my door, there is noone in this world that I want more to touch me more than him, every night I wait for just one more time.

Believe me, I know what it is like to love beyond limits.  I cant say to hang on because for the first time in my life I truly dont think he will show up.  In fact I am convinced that within the next couple weeks, he is truly over me, then I guess it will only be a wish that never came true.

Do what you can do but remember you deserve to be happy too.