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THIS CANT GO ON!!!!!!!

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Posted 3/7/2008 11:29 AM (GMT 0)
 

It is almost 6am.  Another night of a few hours sleep, I don't think I have slept at total of 12 hours all week, I am exhausted!!

 

This morning I am having a rough time already!  I see a  huge snowstorm is coming and once again I will be chained to my home because of my car, no window-shopping not even able to go to the corner store, I am so sick of this!  Tired of being strong and living life like I had never imagined I would.  I know that my depression is part, NO ALL OF IT!!!!!  After seeing my therapist she and I have talked about how I have behaved in the past, IS MY DEPRESSION AKA Axis 2 personality disorder.  Yea she is impressed with my conviction to changing and she says that she sees a more mature Teresa, in her words"like a whole new outlook over the past couple months."  That's great, gives me great promise but what if I can not go through life with the pain of losing the one you love the most?  TELL ME!!!!!!!!

 

This morning as I lay awake in bed there was an advertisement for  a cd collection that looked great, something that I wanted so that when he came back it would set the mood for the rest of our lives, so many songs advertised was music that he and I shared.  Normally, I would turn the channel but this morning I could'nt it is hard to explain but I could'nt, I even called to order it!  Didn't of course because you have to have money.

 

After I decided to turn the channel because the depression was starting, I turned the channel, 1 CHANNEL, and there was the video starting, I mean starting of Alicia Keyes song"Like you'll  never see me again".  I sat and watched it as I cried and cried, I just knew that if he saw that video or heard that song, he would think of us and miss me as much as I miss him, I dont know it just seems like the signs are driving me crazy, don't say they are not signs, I have tried to see them as something else, really tried.  I am trying to go on with my life without him but it is the hardest thing I have ever done, I want so much to see him, so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Im sorry that I am rambling but I just really needed to talk to you guys, I am so depressed and I know you guys will lovingly say that this is hard and to keep my faith.  Someone once wrote in a post,

"Sometimes you need to separate Faith from "controlling one's own destiny" Faith gives you a focus or direction but you are the driver. Your actions will be influenced by your Faith and your Faith will influence your actions. The 2 go hand in hand. One without the other is like a car with no gas."

I read this every day and for once in my life, something makes sense but hard to achieve, I CAN ACHIEVE THIS!!!!!!  I am so sad I wish he could see what this is doing to me, it is over 4 years and being without him is the hardest thing I have ever done, I dont want to do without him....I know, I know, just wanted someone to talk to.

 

I am really upset so I am going to go, thanks for listening.
Posted 3/7/2008 12:31 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Teresa,

I feel your pain in your words but you have made progress.  I believe you understand that he is not coming back and when your ready you will move on.  You are still grieving for this loss and for the loss of the dreams, for the plans you want to make but sweetie, he is not going to come back and you must keep working on moving on.

We are always here to read and no we do not understand how you feel as we are not you but many of us have experienced gut wrenching losses that have crippled us and changed the direction of our entire life and we never saw it coming.

Was it our fault, well we did blame ourselves until we found therapists that helped us understand we cannot control the world and sometimes we don't control ourselves to well.  I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Please keep taking babysteps toward that light for you see that is all of us holding candles up for you to show you the way.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt  :-)

Posted 3/7/2008 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa

I second what Kitt said. I wish we could take the pain away.. but that is something that will happen in time.

Your grief is controlling your life, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad.

((((((((((((Teresa))))))))))))))
Posted 3/7/2008 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa

I am so sorry that you are going thru such a hearbreaking ordeal. Sweetie, before you know it, someone will be turning your head, and all this agony will start going away. Teresa, you're one of the strongest people I know, and I have so much faith in you. E-mail me if you need me.

HUGE HUGE HUGS

Tina
Posted 3/7/2008 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Teresa,
I feel gutted for you,I really don't know what to say, that will help, at the moment I don't think anything will. Please talk to us us anytime there's always someone around, I know it would be better if we were nearer but this is better than nothing, take comfort in knowing we all are here for you and care for you.

Gillian x x x
Posted 3/7/2008 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
I also back what Kitt has said. I think its terrible that your depression takes hold of you like this sometimes but I have every faith in you and I know you can beat this.

Posted 3/7/2008 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Teresa,

I know that we can't make the pain go away. Just remember that we ALL are here for YOU. We will do what we can to make it easier. As I said before, you had something really special going on in your life that many others never do experience. Embrace that and try to file it as the most fond memories. I wish I could take the pain away for you. You are welcome to email me at anytime also.

much luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/7/2008 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks you guys,

When I think of him not coming back, that is when I lose faith.  I appreciate what all of you are saying but please understand that the special times we shared and the plans we made athough i should be grateful for them and i am, it is just those memories that make it hard to let go, not thankful, does that make sense.  Yes you are right, I will have to go on eventually but there is something I cherish that I didnt for a while, that I will hold on too.  He knows what that is and he has no reason to believe that until i know for sure that he is truly never coming back, I will keep one of the many things we STILL have for each other.

 

I miss him so much and just wish for one visit, I would not beg him to come backI would just like to touch him one last time until he comes back into my life.  After I got off the computer with you guys I was flipping through the channels again and there was the video again.  Yes I started crying because this is the stuff that I see.  I was watching a show last night and one of actors name was the same as is, which is very rare, the number 4/11 continuesly shows up in really goosebump feeling places, double digits.

 

The snow has started to fall and I just completed my resume, i didnt like the other one and the deadline is the 12th.  I am going to try to catch my mailman so i dont have to go to the postoffice.

 

Thanks you guys, my strength is diminishing, I just feel that i have had to be so strong for so long and like i said before when does faith start to look like wishsul thinking?

Posted 3/7/2008 4:41 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa everyone has given you very good advice. At one point in my life I too was holding onto a lost love and a song I heard really helped to inspire me to let go and move on with my life like he had already done. It was Bag Lady by Erykah Badu. Listen to it online somewhere. The lyrics really spoke to me, especially the first verse. I hope this helps you.
Posted 3/7/2008 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks you guys, I know that I should let go, he doesnt come and see me, wont return my calls I know why that is but I just dont understand how he can stay away from me, if the roles were reversed, I would try my best to get some sort of understanding of us.....dont get me wrong this man has been patient, he has tolerated alot.  You know I was thinking how even the most innocent thing is questioned because of the trust.  I want to so much to show him how I am, my counselor has even said so.

 

Being without him makes me more depressed than anything.  I cant even listen to my cds or the radio because of the memories. 

 

There is a cd out by PINK.  I guess her song, "who knew" was actually written about her best friend that took her life.  In fact most of the cd is based around depression.  Seems glum I know but sometimes these cds set the stage for a good hard cry!!!

 

There are a couple songs that really hit home for me and may for you too.

NOBODY KNOWS*

And for me track 10-runaway, this song gives me goosebumps because it hits home for me, the words in the first couple verses are like they are written about me. TO THE T

 

Anyway it is snowing cats and dogs.  I am getting ready to go out and shovel my drive way.

 

if you get a chance to listen to that cd, I would.  Be prepared to cry though.  I only encourage it because I have to make myself physically grieve, takes away from the mental grieve for a little bit.

Posted 3/8/2008 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Sweetie

Listen to me... if he is involved in another relationship then there is no way that the "other woman" is going to let him deal with you. I know, believe me!!! My b/f's ex has been trying to contact him off and on now for 3 years

You are a threat to her,and he is not ready to deal with that.

I get that you are unhappy and want him by your side..but it frustrates me that you continue to sit and wait for him when he has moved on. You have so much to to give to the world,and to me it is like you are wasting away,when you could be out showing the world what you have to offer.
Posted 3/8/2008 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
Shy is so right Teresa, you do have a lot to offer the world. And we do worry that you are wasting your time waiting. You must have faith Teresa that if it is meant to be it will.

We all care about you.
hugs, Karen
Posted 3/8/2008 10:52 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Teresa,

If I could take your snow away for you, I would! We get very little snow here in the UK (Other than the far north) Please know that you have many friends here and we all care about you very much. One day, your life will be smooth running and you will be helping other people here. You have a faith inside you that a lot of people dont. You are a fantastic person.

Darren

Posted 3/8/2008 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning,

 

Thanks you guys for caring for me like you do, it is nice that someone who has never met me thinks the world is mine.  There have been times when it was you guys that with your words supporting and being constructive in critizism, brought me through days of hopelessness.

 


As far as me and W, trust me she is definately not threatened by me!  And I would never for a moment tell her anything we have shared that would hurt her, actually her feelings are the least of my worries but he loves her and it would anger him of course but mostly because it he had to do without her, he would be devasted, she has given him everything that I never could.  But she wil never love him like I do, NEVER.

She is his life, not me, this is hypothetical but if he had to chose one of us, lets say leave and never be seen again for the rest of your life.......I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it would be me, not her, that is the reality, he would sacrifice my heart instead of hers, he would break somebodys heart to pieces and it would bother him more to see her cry than me. 

As i am writing this i am crying, i deal with these feeelings constantly.  Knowing this I should let go, I guess I want the chance even though I have had so many but this would be it!!  My counselor is my inspiration because she says that conviction to getting Teresa back although she still sees the depression every time, but my thought process is more thought through, less impulsive.

Anyway  i will got on a little later probably  another lonely night, great.

I know while I am thinking about it, he has made no attempt to come see me or return my couple phone calls, like I said I think that he has moved away, I could find out so easy but I cant get myself to find out.  I guess that would finalize any hope I had.

It actually thnderstormed and lightning, to me it was amazing that is the first time I ever experienced that.  Weird.

Posted 3/8/2008 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Teresa,
Do you think that finding out if he had moved would maybe give you some closure, or is that something that you don't want. Maybe hanging onto a dream is keeping you going, but it might be keeping you at a standstill. Maybe you need to move on. Just a thought.

Do what is most comfortable for you. I know how hard it is to yearn for something that you can't have. But is this healthy?

I am glad that you got your resume done, when will you find out about that? I would like to see you have more constructive things to think about.

Either way, you know that we are here for you and always will be.

Luv and hugs, Karen
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