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I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

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Posted 3/16/2008 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
...Scent can hold such powerful memories, can't it? Sometimes feeling, or remembering something can be even more vivid with familiar smells than even familiar sights. I hope someday that spray can bring you peace in old happy memories instead of pain, but until then, removing triggers of things that make you sad is probably the best answer.

Good luck with your little boy and your car. I'm dreading when I graduate and need to go look for a car myself, I know nothing about automobiles! :)
Posted 3/16/2008 1:22 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa

Hopefully they will call you soon about your car,I am sure being able to get around when you want to will help alot with how you are feeling...

I agree with Tintricroi that removing the triggers might be a good idea,at least until you know you are mentally able to handle it.
Posted 3/16/2008 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

my computer port is broken, the port that the cable goes into is broke and the cable will not snap into place so i do not get an internet connection. what else?

 

No I dont get to see him everyday.  In fact i havent seen him for over a month, in fact i dont think he even lives where he did, i think he has moved away to live with her, intuition tells me that.  if that is the case thn i know that he doesnt love me and will probably never see me again.  I am slowly starting to finally realize that all the signs and faith that has guided my actions in the past few months will never be shown to him, i still will hold on to my dignity and my ability to keep myself from hurt and i will be more  protective of what I finally realize is my gift and in my opinion and have noticed is that nobody cares about what i hold sacred and that makes me absolutely sick, almost makes me realize that noone wants to have a relationship without having sex and the way I am now, makes me realize that my body is my gift and people wanting to take it from me not only makes me sick it makes me realize that these actions only make me want to keep to myself.  9  months or longer,ago i dont think i would have looked at that the same as i do know, it is weird because when i am about this it almost makes me hate guys, just doesnt make sense,  i guess i am finally realizing that noone really cares about me and i actually have hateful thoughts about guys, it is hard to explain.

 

My son was up and down all night so needless to say i am wiped out today, i do have to go get my meds though, i have a new docs appointment in the morning.  i hate driving that far, i worry about my car.

 

Well just wanted to say hello and hopefully i can get this thing fixed.

Posted 3/17/2008 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
It is about 8pm and another day gone.  My son is still with me because he is not feeling well.  I got him some benadryl and a vicks dispenser to plug into an outlet in his room.  I am hoping that he is feeling better tomorrow, I just put him to bed, i hate when heis sick, his little cheeks are red and he is so listless.  I find myself checking on him every couple minutes.

 

My mom called today to let me know that my sister is with her in NC.  She was released from the hospital yesterday and will have hospice care soon.  My mom says that she shows her a picture of the two of us on vacation and she tears roll down her face, my mom asks her what is wrong and she just smiles and says my name.  I tried to talk to her over the phone but she was to tired to talk, my mom said that when i would say hey you, she would open her eyes a little then close them again.  I want to be with her so bad just to hold her hand and kiss her.  I dont know how much time she has but being in the medical field usually when they come home for hospice it is less than a year, I pray this wont pertain to my sister.

 

Well I am going to check on my son, I will be going to bed soon too.

Posted 3/17/2008 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Teresa,

I hope that your son feels better soon. And I hope you get to spend more time with your sister.

Remember you are in my thoughts and prayers.

hugs, Karen
Posted 3/17/2008 10:50 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Teresa,

It is nice that they are releasing your sister into hospice care. I can only imagine how much you want to see her again. Take every day as it comes. One day at a time. Your sister may have 9 months, she may have 9 years. Thats the human condition... the uncertainty. Cherish each day and dont have any regrets.

Always in my thoughts

Darren

Posted 3/17/2008 6:39 PM (GMT 0)

Hi guys,

Got a good nights sleep believe or not.  My son slept from about 7pm until this morning.  He will be able to go to his dad's tonight and go to school tomorrow.  I havent felt well today, really sluggish.

 

You know I went to pick up my prescriptions yesterday and I again realized how many meds I am on.  It makes me really sad because I expected to be so much better by now.  Having my implant was supposed to be the beginning of the end of my depression.  It would never go away but I should be on 1 or 2 meds not 8 with a grand total of 22 pills a day.  Although the things that are going on in my life would be a death warrant for sure if it werent for what I take.

 

I just feel like the days come and go, rehearsed happiness, every hour tiredness and just general blah feeling.  I am trying to find pleasure in things but I really dont think that I will be complete withiout what I am missing.

 

My sister is not doing well and as soon as I am able to get a car, I am going to see her!!!!

 

Thank you guys for all your prayers

Posted 3/17/2008 7:07 PM (GMT 0)

Teresa,

I am sorry you are still having such bad days but look how far you have come.  You have made decisions because they suited you.  Please remember that you are a good and kind soul and always believe in hope.  I would like to see you hope that things will get better and you will be able to move forward in your life.

Bless you
Kitt

Posted 3/17/2008 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
You deciding to move on with out him was a great start. I'm glad that your son is doing better. It is hard on us as parents to see our children sick.

I agree with Kitt you have to believe things will get better. That gives you something to look forward to.

I will pray for you and your sister.
Roni
Posted 3/17/2008 9:58 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa

Let us know how you are doing,I hope you get your car soon!!
Posted 3/18/2008 8:42 AM (GMT 0)

I hope you get a car soon as well! As Kitt has said, you have come so far on your personal journey. That is something to be proud of.

All the best to you and yours

Darren

Posted 3/18/2008 11:52 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa
I understand your frustration about the meds and having the implant..but keep in mind that this is not a forever situation. Once you are healed from the depression then you should be able to start weaning off of the meds.

I know you will be able to get to that point one day...for now all you can do is take it one day and one problem at a time and realize that you are worth so much and deserve to be happy.
Posted 3/18/2008 6:25 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much you guys, I really appreciate it.  You know Shy, you say to remember that this is not a lifetime curse because we all heal.  That is true but for me, it has been something has shrouded my life ever since I was 21.  I will be 43 on the 11th of next month and I have had more horrible days and events this lifetime than most people I know. 

 

I guess I try to look back and try to rationalize that I have come so far, but Im sorry, I feel as if I am not as well now as I was then.  Sure my personality disorder and its effect on me has definately been a dramatic and wonderful change, in that perspective I am proud.

 

I am still going to push for the brain surgery for the implant, the risks are greater than another surgery, but  I don't care because I would rather die than wonder if tomorrow is going to be better.

 

I wanted to go get a car today or at least put a downpayment so that I can get this task behind me.  I need to get my taxes done but dont know where to go or do, once again the stupidity in not knowing what to do on my own.

 

More signs today...........................

 

Posted 3/18/2008 7:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Teresa,

Maybe you could look in the phone book for tax people, though they do charge you. I had that same problem when my first husband died, and no matter where I went, I would get somebody incompetant. I don't mean to scare you, it just worked that way for me. I don't even file anymore, but I don't work either now so there is no need to. I do file for energy credit, though it isn't much, it does help.

This life is full of so many changes, it is so unforseeing at times. When we look back we tend to compare with what we are going through now. Did you read the thread that I did on Desiderata? It is very helpful in troubled times. It helps you look at things from another perspective. I hope that you read it. I have used it for years when I feel down, it is nice to read.

I hope that you get to get started on getting your new car. I know how excited you are about it.

I hope that you have a good day. Forgive me for sounding dumb, but when you say 'more signs', what does that mean? I think that I know but I am not sure.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/18/2008 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
Signs that I have continued  to see, I am going crazy trying to avoid them, I dont know why I am putting myself through this pain, i miss his touch so much.

 

I am really depressed this evening, very depressed.  This is one night that I wish I could see him, why do I miss him so much but he doesnt miss me, I REALLY WANT TO SEE HIM!!!!!

 

Why cant I go on, I know you guys will say time will heal all, I wish I could come to terms with his absence but I dont think I ever will or put myself in a situation that I would find out he is "realy" gone for good.

 

I have never loved someone like I love him and I wish he knew.  The body spray that reminds me of him is still sitting out but I wont use it.  I also have a fragrance called "love spell" we used to laugh because of the name was what I said I had on him.

I love that!!!!!!!

 

It is hard to believe that I will be 43 next month, what do I have to show for it?

 

Well going to grap a glass of wine and settle in for another lonely night.

Posted 3/18/2008 10:12 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Teresa,

Thanks for the reply.  I know we are always telling you that time heals all wounds.  I guess that is because that is what we would like to believe.  We hate to see you suffer so.  But I think that is your way of healing, maybe you have to grieve to get through it all.  I wish you peace.

I see what you mean by the signs now.  I guess that is what is keeping you hanging on.  Who knows there might be some significance to these signs and in time maybe he will come back to you.  Either way if it makes you feel better, that is what counts.  I can imagine a love that deep.  That is what I have with my husband.  Even before we got together, there were signs there too.  So I do believe.  Also dreams.  I use to have some preminition dreams and I must say that I kind of knew that there was going to be a change in my life before my first husband died of cancer and when I was going to start a relationship with my second husband.  So if the signs and the dreams are there, embrace them and keep on believing.

I hope that you have a nice evening, enjoy your wine, but with caution.  I am sure that you know your limits.

Take care,  hugs, Karen

Posted 3/18/2008 11:08 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa

Starting over just plainly sucks

I am 38,and as you know had to move away 2 hours away from my kids. Even though they are now 17 and 20 I live with that guilt everyday.
In order to get away from my X,I had to move,I had to trust him to take care of our kids...something he has wanted since we got divorced and he pushed me until he got it... but,I still wake up every morning with the guilt. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel like I can't breathe.

I understand.... it seems that no matter what problem you get over, what things are becoming better,for some reason you can't allow yourself to be happy.

I think that if we feel a little bit of happiness we feel guilty so therefore we go back into the dark depression.

Maybe you are right,maybe this is a curse for life..I don't really know. I have been fighting it since I was 12 years old. I don't remember ever being really happy....

But,I do know that this site and all of these people that come on here everyday care. And I know that without this site I would not be able to walk down the street like I do now.

If we can't beat depression like I wish we could,we can at least get through each day together.
Posted 3/19/2008 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
You guys I am feeling really bad tonight, really bad.  You dont have to worry about me doing something stupid, that is not an option.  I just wish someone would say to him, hey this girl loves you so much and understands your stance but asking for another chance, do i deserve it, NO am i ready to give it all, YES.

 

Yes the signs do keep me going.  The latest sign was definately one that I feel is a SIGN of him and me.  There was a title we gave our love, "guilty pleasure"  inside notion known only to the two of us.  Anyway, I went tanning the other day and the salon that i go to had a computer malfunction and i had to wait about 20 minutes before the computer came back up.  Anyway, they gave me a visit in one of their best beds in which I havent used since I lived with him and I walked into the room and there was a gigantic poster advertising a lotion but the huge writing on it said ,"GIVE IN TO YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE"  Not only did I tear up, I hoped that he was seeing signs like that, that was so powerful, I missed being with him at that very minute.

 

I am glad that someone else believes in signs, they are the only thing that gets me by even though I try to ignore them, signs like that you cannot ignore.

 

My depression is at its weakest when these happen because I truly do believe that down deep inside he still loves me.

I am just really depressed, keep looking out the window.

Posted 3/19/2008 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

I hope that your wish comes true for you.
You deserve it.

hugs,
Karen
Posted 3/19/2008 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much, I am having a really hard time today, I am usually never up at this hour but I am finally getting tired.

 

I guess I will feel this way until I at least see him, I guess I dont feel like I had closure, Everytime I hear Alicia Keyes , "like you'll never see again"  I just want to be able for him to know that I need that last night.  I know it is pathetic but the way I love this man and how without him, I would not be here, literally,  He is my hero, he has fought my depression with strength that I didnt have at times.  Again, "because you loved me"  we have so many songs, I know im corny but it is these things that keep me going.

 

I dont have my son this weekend so this weekend is going to be bad for me, another holiday without the people i love.

 

Tomorrow is another day.

Posted 3/19/2008 3:41 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

I am praying for you and wish you a good night.

hugs, Karen
Posted 3/19/2008 12:25 PM (GMT 0)
Tomorrow is another day that we can get through together!!
Posted 3/19/2008 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
Well it is morning and I am overwhelmed once again, I have the best intentions to do what I plan to do when I get up but I lose momentum as soon as my feet hit the floor,

just got alot going on in my head.  I am starting to think that the people who say they love me are really hiding things from me that would hurt me.

 

This is one of the reasons I am having a hard time trustng anyone, I have overcome my inability to be trusted in this I KNOW to be true, I have been hurt in the past but because of my ability to overcome mistrust, I am the one that ends up hurting.  There is nothing more I would be thankful for someone that says they love me there are only a couple of people that are in that circle besides my family that could comfort me during this time, as far as someone new, they will never know the extent of my depression.  This is very private to me and only shared with W on our first real day together, that is what I need, I dont feel that anymore.  I feel lonely and abandon.

 

I see my counselor tomorrow, I hope things go ok.

 

Talk to you guys later.....................

Posted 3/19/2008 3:29 PM (GMT 0)

Good morning Teresa,

I have found that throughout the years when I stop trusting people I have this terrible paranoia that comes along with that.  So I figure that I would rather be a little naive and trust than I would being paranoid.  I don't know if that is what you are going through, but that is how it is for me.  When I am distrusting, I am always on edge and second guessing the other person.  That takes a lot of energy and isn't worth it.  I guess I would rather get hurt once in a while than to be on edge.  It is too bad that it has to be that way, but for me it is.

We are so complexed inside, I understand what you mean about new people could never even conceive what we have went through, so I don't even bother to explain. 

I suffer with fibromyalgia also which is another invisible disease that nobody understands.  So I don't even bother explaining that one either.

I hope that your day gets better.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Posted 3/19/2008 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa - You had said you feel you have a hard time trusing anyone, but I think you are doing a wonderful job of trusting everyone here! And, everyone cares about you so much....I just noticed that there are almost 5000 views on this post alone! That is absolutely amazing, I know it is always one that I come to read first each time I come here! If that isn't love for you, I don't know what else it could be defined as!
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