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finally my breaking point and i dont know how to cope

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Posted 3/16/2008 3:48 PM (GMT 0)
I been so depressed lately and i've found myself losing who i used to be.  I'm not as happy and tho i put on a face so no one asks me anything..i feel like im dying inside.  It stems from a man i never met but i talk to him all the time on the phone.  we always had plans to meet and  three months later we call each other our futures and yet still never met.  Something always came up but i can't let him go cuz i'm afraid i wont have any1 to talk to the way i talk to him.   This weekend was his last weekend in my city and still we never got to meet..and i met my breaking point.  I had a nervous breakdown last nite and all i did was cry in the shower wit the lights off and the music on.  I can't stop crying and i dont want to talk to any1.  i'm afraid that everybody thinks im crazy cuz i almost feel like im goin crazy.  how did i fall in love wit a phone personality? he painted my dreams just the way i wanted and now i dont kno if i have the strength to let him go.  Someone help me..talk to me please..let me kno im not crazy please
Posted 3/16/2008 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Anon,

I am so sorry that you are so distraut (sp). But you have definately come to a good place. Everybody here is so understanding and compassionate.

You definately are not crazy. We all get lonely and need somebody to talk to. I would be careful though with somebody that you have not really met. But it sounds like he was fullfilling an empty place within you. I think that it was smart of you to be careful and not meet him yet.

I have always felt that crying is cleansing and healthy. It gets all that trapped emotion out. So maybe it wasn't a nervous breakdown but a cleansing session so to speak.

I want to welcome you to the depression forum before I forget. I think you will get a lot of feedback here. And like I said, everybody is very understanding and helpful.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/16/2008 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Anon,

You are not crazy. I think many of us on this site have felt that way at some point in their life or are at the present time.

I have no idea of your background but it sounds to be like there is more an underlying fear of abandonment. You worry that you will not be able to talk with anyone like you have with him. You feel your whole world is crashing down all around you. That you may be loosing the one person who perhaps understood you more than anyone.

This felt really good to you. You live the isolated life, maybe afraid to get close to anyone,  in fear that someone will learn your little secret "whatever secret that may be", so you keep your distance, never really forming any emotional attachment, but you long for it.... oh... do you long for it more than anything.

Maybe its time to work on letting the secret out, its not easy but its the only thing that is going to help you heal. There are genuine people in the world waiting to connect but often we ourselves are the ones who avoid it, in fear of hurt, and we have much reason too fear. However, we tend to generalize all people, and the reality is, its not all people. Though there are some terrible people out there.

The online thing made it so much easier to open up, to share in a way that you could never do in person.

I am wondering, have you ever been to a counselor? If not I would personally challege you to take that huge leap and just try it, go at your own pace. Your life has meaning, its time to open up, just as you started to do by posting on this site.

Talk all you want, share your hurts, fears, whatever it is that haunts you. We are here to listen. We don't have all the answers but many of us have been there to some degree.

Thanks for sharing some of who you are:)

Pressing

 

Posted 3/16/2008 6:41 PM (GMT 0)

Hiya,

You are certainly not crazy. Does this really have to be the end? If you met him over the phone, then surely you can carry on over the phone? If this is the end, think carefully about what you have lost. If you never met him and things kept 'coming up' my gut would say that he was not that serious in the first place. I think its really cruel that people paint pictures like that but have no intention of being part of it. Im so sorry that you have to go through this, but please dont lose control of yourself for a man you never met.

Darren

Posted 3/16/2008 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
So how do you know just because he's moving away that it's over? He has you phone number correct?
If he really wanted to be a part of your life he'll call you again.

I know it's hard to think about moving on without someone you care about even someone you've never met. Honey it doesn't mean you are crazy just lonely and maybe afraid to get close to someone. I was like that after my divorce. I had this wall up so high and was afraid to let anyone in but then I did.

And I think if you and this guy don't coutinue to talk then you will have someone else come into your life. We get to where we look forward to having someone there in our lives and being alone is hard. But you'll get through this.

You crying in the shower like Karen said is a way of cleansing your heart I do it all the time. It's so the rest of the workd can't get in.
I hope that you get to feeling better.

My prayers are with you.
Roni
Posted 3/16/2008 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
I thank you all for your input and comments. Unfortunately this has to be the end with this man because he painted a great picture for so long and kept letting it down. If a man truly loves you, there is nothing that can stop him from seeing you not even being tired. I offereed countless times to go late at nite or early in the morning..cab, train, bus..watever it took to get there and he just wouldnt let me. YOu're rite..cuz he left doesnt mean its over but the fact that he spent 3 and a half months here talkin with me and never got to see me means it has to be over because im gonna keep hoping that it works and it when it doesnt and i havent moved forward with my life..the only person to suffer is me. And it kills my family and my true friends to watch me cry and cry over this situation. You're also right in saying that i have a secret that i don't tell people and when i do..its not because im letting it out..its cuz its part of who i used to be and what i want to change. I sat down with my mother who has seen me depressed at my worst and cried with her. She reminded me of just how strong i can be. I do have abandonment issues..and yes i do see a therapist who is going to help me through my issues to make me a stronger woman. I know it will not be easy to let him go because he was an integral part of my day. I woke up to him calling and txting me and went to sleep calling and txting him. But it is something i need to do for me. I lost myself in trying to make this work..and without knowing who i am i cannot have a healthy relationship with anybody. If he really wanted this and it just wasnt our time, then i apologize for thinking that he wasnt real but actions speak louder than words and when he could have people from other states come visit him but his "gf" who lives in the same city cannot see him, there has to be a problem. But i am going to be okay..i know it and i will break down from time to time but i am a strong woman and i will get thru this with lessons learned. And thank you for accepting me..
Posted 3/17/2008 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
Just remember we are here to help you get through this. If it is meant to be, you will know. I have a feeling that he will call you again. Maybe he is afraid that you wont like what you see when you meet him. An insecurity on his part.

But you are right when you say that you need to work on yourself first. Then go from there.

I hope that you feel better soon and like I said, we are here for you.

Take care, Keep posting,
hugs, Karen
Posted 3/17/2008 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
i called him today to let him know that i couldnt speak to him anymore. It had been too long without seeing him and he's farther now and im not sure that anything good would come from it. Maybe one day if im in his part of the world, ill call him back and say hi and maybe ill see him or he'll be married or in a relationship and i'll never see him but i can't go on the way i have been. And if its meant to be..He'll come back into my life someday and show up at my doorway and if not..we saved each other more heartbreak.
Posted 3/17/2008 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
I think that you are using good judgement. Like you said, if if is meant to be you will connect again.

You never can tell what this life is going to offer you or what is in store for you next. I wish you all the best.

Remember we are here for you.

hugs, Karen
Posted 3/17/2008 10:45 AM (GMT 0)
I think you have made the right decision as well. If he truly wanted to be part of your life, you would have seen him by now. Chalk this one up to experience and move on. I know its easier said than done, but in time the pain will fade. Please dont get upset over this... does he really deserve your tears?


Posted 3/19/2008 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
I think i may have made the right decision but it is so much easier said than done. Its hard to wake up and sleep to a persons voice and txt. True he wasnt around but his voice made it easier. I wish i could say i wouldnt get upset over this but it hurts. I feel a little lonely and tho everyone in my life is happy that im moving forward and not lettin him upset me anymore..they don't quite understand the battles im facing and the long days and nights of letting go i'm facing. i have to wake up every morning and try to convince myself that he is the bad guy..i did the right thing..and if he really cared for me and if he knew this was why i stopped talkin to him..he flies everywhere else..why can't he take one day and just show up at my door. Maybe i never speak to him again..and ill move on like i've moved on b4 but for rite now, my heart hurts..my head is thinkin too much..and im trynna put a happy face on but behind my smile is a bunch of tears and a whole bunch of pieces of my broken heart..
Posted 3/19/2008 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
It takes time to get over things like this. As Darren said, put it behind you as best as you can and move on. It will probably take baby steps, but you can do it. There is so much more to life than a phone conversation and a text message. There doesn't even have to be a bad guy, you just both wanted different things out of the relationship. And if you can't even meet him face to face, that isn't right. I hope that you get through this okay. We are here for you.

hugs, Karen
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