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i feel so worthless and ugly again :-(

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Posted 3/19/2008 3:43 AM (GMT 0)
So today was a bad day. I thought I was doing better with wellbutrin but no.. :-( I made a careless mistake in my anatomy lab. I dwelt on it for the whole day and thought I was stupid. I don't know why I've been making careless mistakes the past couple months! Whenever this happens I feel there's something wrong with my brain.
Then later tonight, I saw a picture of my 3 friends from Florida who are still in grad school since they didn't fail any classes. They went to the Bahamas for spring break. I'm in OH back home all because of one class. I could have been there if I had passed that class! I'm SO sad. As soon as I saw those pictures I started crying. I know I should be happy for them but I'm jealous. I wish I could have been there sipping on margaritas and dancing with them. One of them is very fit. I was comparing my legs to hers.. and cried again. I felt so fat compared to her. I'm 5'5 and 146 lbs. She's 5'5 and 125 lbs. At this moment I'm crying because I feel like I have nothing. I feel like God hates me. Why me? I showed my mom pictures of my friends and she said well Sophia, they focused more on school and they didn't get pregnant. They also don't eat as much. So then I said well then maybe I should starve myself? And then she said..yes just starve. My own mom said that! :-( Then I felt even worse! I'm crying hysterically right now.
Thank you for your posts about the drinking. It's just sometimes I feel like getting drunk to feel happy. I hate when I get in these sad depressed jealous moods sometimes. Failing this class in grad school seriously has ruined my life and my self worth. And then I think of my baby I lost in the abortion. :-( I feel guilty. I wish my life could be better.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 3/18/2008 9:49:58 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/19/2008 4:13 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Confused,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.  It is natural to feel envious of the people that got to go to the Bahamas.  But there is always next year.  Please don't feel worthless or stupid because you are neither.  You made some mistakes and now you are starting fresh.  It isn't easy.  I know.  Don't let your mom get to you.  She wants you to feel guilty, so that you have learned your lesson in her eyes.  But that isn't how it really is.  We all make mistakes.  Just try to focus on what you are doing in class.  I think you have a lot on your mind and it is hard to pay attention to what you are doing.  Try to keep your mind in the now.  It is hard, but can be done.

One of the worse things that you could do is compare yourself to other people.  We are all built differently and you aren't over weight.  It sounds like she is kind of skinny to me.  But that is my opinion.  Try to focus on school, if you want to be able to do all the things that they are doing you need to study so that you can.  If you choose to drink that is your decision, but it wont take your problems away.  They will still be there and you will probably feel more guilty than you do now afterwards.  So be careful. 

Just remember when you go back to the other school in the fall, you will meet new people and I think that you will enjoy the experience.  So it wont be all that bad.  You will make it Confused, I know that you will.

In the meantime we are here for you.  And you know that you can email me whenever you feel the need.

hugs, Karen

Posted 3/19/2008 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for always being there Karen. I just wish my life would get better. I hope things get better when I do go back.
Posted 3/19/2008 12:01 PM (GMT 0)
Please dont be sad for failing one class... how many did you pass? As for the weight issue... I have to convert lbs into stones (since thats how we weigh in the UK! lol) and it sounds to me like your friend is bordering on being underweight. 5 foot 5 inches is a decent height and I would expect a woman to be around 10 stones (140lbs) to 10.5 stones  (147lbs). Have a goal and work towards it... but dont make it getting drunk. You might get euphoria to start with but what goes up must come down... and so will your mood. Trust me (ive tried it, several times) it doesnt work.

Posted 3/19/2008 12:11 PM (GMT 0)
Confused

You have already gotten through so much,so I know you are going to get through this.
I am sorry you missed the trip,but there is always next year,and the year after ect... That can be a huge goal for you,to finish your classes and get back on your feet and start enjoying life again.
Posted 3/19/2008 12:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for responding. djdaz_1985, I passed 9 out of the 10 classes. But I still am held back a yr because I failed one class. If I fail anymore classes when I go back during the 4 years there, I am out of the optometry program. I'm so scared. I will try not to drink to be happy. Sometimes I've been tempted to but I usually just have one drink when I got out with friends since now I'm not only on zoloft but wellbutrin as well.
Posted 3/19/2008 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
If you passed 9 out of 10 classes... you must be clever! Anatomy must have just been a blip right? Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know its easier said than done, but the more you tell yourself you cant do something, the more likely it is that you will convince yourself (and thats not good). You passed 90% of your classes... thats pretty good odds for you passing anatomy next time round!

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