Dont know what to do anymore..(Sorry so long)

I'm not really sure where to start here..I am new to the idea of posting my personal problems on a forum for people to read (Though not very uncomfortable about it)..

I guess the depression part would be the most obvious deal, seeing as how this is a depression forum. I will start by saying that I have a severe history of depression, that each time came in one form or another. It is hard for me to explain without going into the past..but thats something that is very hard to put into words...so i guess..here goes.


Here is the history I talk about, sparing you all the horrible details.

There is a history of bad things happening in my family. When My sister left, she went to the police, both my parents were put into jail (My dad for the crime, my mom for not protecting her children) and my 3 brothers & I were yanked from home and placed at my aunt & uncles house. After about 4 months, my mom was freed, and after 8 months my dad was freed. The court case dragged over the next 2 or 3 years and finally my dad got his sentence years later...1 1/2 years in jail. At this point nobody knew about my grandpa. He would always say that if I told anyone he would hurt my younger brother josh, who i was very protective of. Well one night, my grandpa made me go to walmart with him. He bought my 3 brothers some cookies, but also made me purchase some thongs and then we went home. Well he made the mistake of leaving the receipt in the bag. My mom saw the receipt and askede me and i denied everything because i was so scared. but a little later that night i told her i needed to talk to her and told her a LITTLE about what had been happening to me for years. She was very hurt (It was her dad) and called her brother. In the end she reported it to the police and my 3 brothers and I were called in for questioning. My three brothers knew nothing of it so they didnt help the investigation much. When I was questioned of what happened all ic ould say was that my grandpa talked about bad things with me. I was so scared and upset and hurt that i couldnt find the power within myself to tell these strangers what he had done to me over the years. I suffered from depression for years now because of this, analyzing everything, thinking about it everyday, asking my self what if what if what if.

Now...my current bout of depression..

3 years back my mom divorced my dad because of everything that had gone on mentioned above. Before she divorced him she had acquired a boyfriend & had been dating him for about 1 year before the divorce. I knew the whole time, just never said anything. Now, currently she lives with him, and up until about three months ago, so did I,along with my younger brother josh (The other two brothers are moved out at this point)
Now, first things first, I am going to say, that I want my mom to be happy, and I am very glad she has found someone that can make her happy. Anyways..her boyfriend, overall, not a bad guy, and I would never judge their relationship because it is not my right. Mike (The boyfriend) is known for his temper tantrums (Throwing dangerous objects when he gets mad), telling my brother and I to shutup even if we walk into the room and are just engaged in casual conversation and all he is doing is watching cartoons or movie (and generally our voices are low), arguing with my mom (Giving my brother and i stress of whether they will break up and us have find a place to live), making horrible comments to guests we invite over, lecturing us on how we live our life (Ex. he doesn't like how some of my friends smoke, (I do too) and he thinks my smoking makes me a horrible person and i dont deserve the life i live basically) etc. My list could go on for decaddddeeess. Anyways, all this hurt and depression started again when my mom and i got into a fight about her boyfriend telling me to shut up when i walked in the front door and said hello. i told my mom i didnt like it and asked if she could talk to him, because everytime i did it went one ear and out the other. Basically my mom blew up (Even though i made sure i was very respectful). The next day she asked me to write out a letter, explaining my feelings. I wrote the letter and took two days to write it, taking my time making things as respectful and unhurtful as i could, and gave it to her. I was watching tv in my room with my bro when im guessing she read it because she came storming in and started screaming at the top of her lungs saying i had no right to feel the way i did, and then told me to get the hell out. I ended up throwing things in my bag and walking about 6 miles to my boyfriends house at night. I left at about 6 pm, and ended up at his house at about 1 or 2 in the morning or something like that. I haven't talked to my mom since, but not for the lack of trying. I have sent her a few messages, and she has wrote nasty letters back, saying how she wish she never had kids, and how i ruin her life, and she wished she could go back in time and live her life for herself and not for her kids. I just feel so fíng lost and confused and hurt. I live with my bf now, in case i wasnt clear, and we have been dating for 3 1/2 years so i am comfortable, but this is not home...i feel like everything was just yanked out from under me. I miss my animals the most (Yes, I am a major animal person) and even the thought of them brings me so down and makes me so homesick. I am "Never allowed to go back" and I dont know what to do with my life. I spend my days reading, on the computer, or spending money I dont have. I want to do things and I have plans, but I cant even begin to get motivated in any way..so many things way me down, and i feel like no one can understand me or ever will. I feel like i dont want to exist..i just cant understand how life can be like this...and i know i dont have it that bad compared to some people..but it feels like i do..I have few real friends: My brother, My boyfriend, and Frankie (50 yrs old). Every friendship I have has failed..Im not the type of girl who hang with other girls (They just create sooo much drama..and i cant stand it, which is the only reason frankie and i get on, is because she is older and mature). and i usually have guy friends, but the relationship always dies because they fall in love with me Sad i want their friendship very much but i always get the ultimadum..i just dont know what to do anymore...
sorry this is so long, if anyone reads this.

Reason for edit:

 

I have had to take some sections of your post out as we cannot allow discussion of illegal activities. Also, I have taken a couple of swear words out. Please see https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997 for a full list of forum rules Darren

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 3/28/2008 5:20:25 AM (GMT-6)

Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell,

Like Shy, my main concern is that you are safe where you are. You have obvously been through a lot and it takes a lot of courage to speak out, even if you only say a little bit so please dont put yourself down for not doing enough. Do you see a therapist who you could talk to? I think you would really benifit from talking to someone who is completely impartial and unbiased. Please keep talking to us. We are always here.

Darren

Hi Falling,

These guys have pretty much covered everything, and they have given you some excellant advice. Just don't let your mom make you feel less of a person. You are a wonderful, caring person. I am sad for what you have been through. It is a rough road. But you have come so far. And oh yes, I am an animal lover too. That is a good part of you, they give such unconditional love.

Keep posting, we are here for you. I do agree you should seek counseling by somebody objective who can help you through this.

hugs, Karen

Hi Falling,

I can understand about the bad counselors.  I have had my share too, but I finally found some good counselors.  I would suggest you keep looking, there are some very good ones.

In the meantime we are all here for you.  So continue posting and we will help you in any way that we can. 

I am sorry about the counselor making advances towards you.  Did you report him?  I had something similar happen to me and i talked to my doctor about it.  Come to find out this counselor had been repremanded for doing that before.  He didn't actually do anything to me but it was some things that he said.  It was hard for me because here I had been trusting him and then to find out that I wasn't able to anymore.  It really made me angry, and of course it put stress on me and it made my depression worse like you said.

I hope that you can find this site comfortable and stick around.  There are many wonderful people here that are more than happy to listen and hoperully help you.

Have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen