really having a tought ime

I am new to this so i will talk as best as i can...


I am a 35 year old woman that is seperated from my husband by my choice.he has a drug problem.. I have 4 children 10,6,4,22 months..2 boys and 2 girls. Both of my boys have a genetic disorder known as MASA Syndrome. which is very serious they will never walk or talk and they have it because of what is known as hydrocephalus (water on the brain) I just found this out recently (a few days ago) it is hereditary.It is in my genes...I moved from Ga. to Pa where my family is as they were the ones that insisted on this...not very happy here. They asid it would be easier on me and the kids if I got the support we all needed... well, it has been 5 months since we are here and i have not gone out of this house except to get the mail or the grocery store. we pay bills to live here off of what little i have. I was beaten by my husband and just put down and called all kinds of names everyday by him. I left and came here and listened to what my family said to do.. well I thought they were going to help me and it seems they are just calling me names as well...I have had it with this abuse but know I need help with my boys.. my mother is making me feel like i am worthless as a mom. I never do anything wrong as far as party or go out i do not even smoke..... I never even get time for me.. I am busy with doctors and meetings for my kids at least 2 a week. when we first got here my son was medi-vacd to Philadelphia childrens hospital where i was there with my baby for 4 weeks due to complications from a surgery he had in Ga. so while we were there in the hospital in the ICU. my mom cared for my other children..with the help of other family members. I am greatful they did this for me and the kids. But it just seems like every time i ask to have a minute for me so that i can gather my thoughts together and get a grip so to speak.. I am put down and told these are my kids and my responsibility..and she says I have no life.. Okay I agree to a point. but am I wrong for wanting time for me alone? I came here to pa because my mom came to get me and now she rubs my face in it daily...what the heck !!! I am soo confused ... one minute she is all about the kids and me and the next she is telling me to kiss her butt....I know she has depression problem and i personaly think it is more than all that. she is on meds and she is having negative side effects from the meds as i looked them up online and when she asks me i told her the meds are not working the right way... she has certain symptoms...now on to the other part of her issue..she is married to a guy that is a severe gambler.. he loves the pool rooms and he is almost never home.. he plays her like a fool and has for years. It kills me to have to listen to her complain about him and his ways when I tell her she knew this when she married him.. he is 12 years younger than her and well he is a jerk. we all know this .. i just let her talk and complain but i let her know if she does not want my opinion don't ask...and i let her know i understand how she feels as i just got out of a terrible relationship and she has to get sick of being that way and she just yells at me and calls me crazy and says things like no wonder my husband cannot stand me and no wonder why he doesn't want me... and then when she sees him which is one night a week if she is lucky.. she kisses his butt and tells him all kinds of things about me and what i said to her and she does it to everyone... she makes me look like the bad guy when in fact it is not me... she asked and i told her if she doesn't want the truth do not ask me..she never sleeps at night and she eats like OMG...and at wierd hours like 12am ans 2am and she blames all her depression on me and my kids all the time.. she does it in a quiet manner... to where she looks like a victim.
it seems to me that i went from the frying pan to the fire.. I am soooo depressed and am at a loss for words // she manipulates other family members and says things that are not true to them. She makes herself look good and everyone else look bad. except her husband (my stepdad) she makes excuses for him all the time,, my kids were already exposed to this kind of trash with my husband being this way to me. now they see my mom being this way to me and they are scared and confused..I got them into counseling and am trying to make my life better. my step-dad is a money hungry man and he wants my boys for the money they can get every month from them...his bills are as follows everything in the house including insurance and taxes are 1700.00 a month.. okay this is soo cheap now days especially to live in a 200,000 home, but he wants me to pay 1/2 of them and then buy all the food as well.what the heck !!! this is wrong so he can go out and gamble what he does not have to pay away.if he did more around the house or took my mom places or something i would not have a problem paying this..but he does 0 for her and complains to me she is ugly and fat and she is this and that... well i don't wanna hear all that about her... and i tell him if he is not happy to leave her and stop telling me what is wrong with her..and then my mom supports him and his decisions and she knows this stuff...what the heck!! again I am a bad one.. she pays nothing she works full time and she has 0 bills..I feel they are trying to use me and it is pitiful.. when they do not get what they want they call me all kinds of names and tell me i am worthless.. she even has it to where my grandmother won't talk to me..I said earlier in the post that I just found out about the type of syndrome my boys have and when i called my mom at work and then told my grandmother they were like it is not our fault...lol.. I never said it was...I said it was in my genes and it only in females as far as being the carriers.. males are receivers and it was passed from my mom to me and they are being sooo mean to me because of this and I never blamed them or said anything but the facts... they are now all ignoring me. are they in denial? geesh I am doing everything possible to make my kids as happy as possible but isn't a happy mom a good mom? so if that is the case why am I having such a hard time? All I want is a normal life and to be happy... is that just too much to ask for? I feel like at times I am doing everything possible to just keep it together and my ex pays very little support he is always giving me reasons why he cannot do things... he never even calls the kids so i deal with a lot of things all at once and i have a full plate..and at times I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown..what can i do as I have 0 resources to move out. it is to where no one even wants to invite us anywhere to be in family gatherings....again what the heck!!!! this is not family it is wrong to be this way..i am not sure where we belong anymore...and we sure are not getting help and support we need here..what can i do it is just eating me up inside...and I have no explanation for my girls who ask why they cannot go..because i am not sure..am I selfish? am i a bad mom? maybe i was a terrible wife? i am just not sure anymore....and is my mom right is everything my fault?

HI Totally_confused.

It sounds to me like you may need to find your own place, I don't know about where you are but here there are resources for mother's with children that could possibly even buy you a home.  I know that they would pay rent. 

You have too much negativity around you.  Your mother is putting you down constantly and you have no time to yourself.  So I think that it is time for you to find your own home so that you and your children can be comfortable.  The situation there sounds like it is only going to get worse with all the tension from the gambling of your step dad and the way your mother is in denial about it.  She will constantly take it out on you.

You said that you were getting counseling for the children, well, what about yourself?  I think that it would do you good and hopefully they help to find you some resources.  You being at your mom's is only enabling your stepfather to gamble since he has no bills to pay. 

I am sure that you are a wonderful mother, so don't blame yourself.  And I am sure that you were a good wife to your husband, so don't let his demeaning words make you feel otherwise.  You don't deserve all of this negativity. 

So see about the counseling and see about finding a better place to live where you don't have to be treated badly.  You do not deserve that.

hugs, Karen