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I hope that I am finally far, far away from them.

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Posted 4/29/2008 8:29 AM (GMT 0)

I need to find some clarity about the quirky chaos running around my life. So many questions, intrusions, assumptions, expectations, threats, judgements. Major changes in my life are happening now and in my attempt to make sense out of it all, things have only gotten muddier. I need someone to talk to; we are so new to this city that I have neither a doctor nor a priest. What I want- and am beginning to feel that I can fight for it and get there- is a sense of lightness, discard the heavy mess of my life and for once, live it according to my wishes and beliefs. Things that I value must be moved to the top of the list; satisfying everyone's expectations no longer interest me. nono In less than a month in a new city, 1500 miles from where I last lived, all I can muster is wondering if I am depressed again- or- a little afraid that maybe I can find myself here. Maybe I could re-focus on eliminating what is so harmful to me. When I try to envision my immediate future, I believe I see sun rays, and hear laughter, and feel purposeful. It's been so long for me- the isolation I imposed on myself was a last ditch effort to remove myself from the harmful family members who thought that my priorities were out of control. I told them before I left that their biggest problem was that my priorities were out of their control. Clearly, after what happened a month ago, I have done a bad job of realizing how incredibly committed they are to making me grovel and cry and finally grasp what they have been saying for so many years. They need to break me so they can hold me in judgement outloud with no more of that silly pretense of whispering amongst themselves. Now they can use the more effective and humiliating "in your face" method. My mental health is not the greatest and I desperately try to hold onto it. But its getting more difficult with family members I don't trust, insisting that they only want to "help".

 

I need to get out into this fabulous community and feel the sun, listen to music in the park, join the local community theatre. I have to re-gain control over my choices and sense of direction. Thank you for listening. I do believe that I must get back on Cymbalta. This emptiness and anxiety need to leave. I hope that tomorrow can be the first day of my new sense of GO!

 

Peace be with you!

Sera Smiles   yeah

Posted 4/29/2008 10:27 AM (GMT 0)

Ok..so Sera - for you it's a time of new beginnings..goodness me you seem to have all sorts of paths ahead of you..how exciting for you and from what you have said - it's way better than the life you have left behind :-)

Time to start journaling your thoughts, needs, and wants. Prioritise these and step by step you will work thru all this I promise. Finding a doctor and a priest seem to be of importance to you so maybe these could be first on your list.

Plz keep posting with your progress.

Maree

Posted 4/29/2008 11:29 AM (GMT 0)
Sera

I envy you,you know what you need and want and you are going for it.
Means you are a very strong person,and I know you will be able to do it!

Please let us know how you are doing.
Posted 5/1/2008 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
The expected day was a pretty day- beautiful, sunny, blue skies, and I went out in it. I prayed so much the night before, to ask for sunny blue skies. Something to help me get past the grey I felt inside. I've had 2 days of innocence and grabbed as much of it as I could. I'm going to keep trying to get past expecting every day to be a dark, foggy one. Peace be with you!
Posted 5/1/2008 7:50 AM (GMT 0)

"Keep your face towards the sun..and the shadows will always fall behind.."

Onwards and upwards Sera. I am very proud of you yeah

Maree

Posted 5/5/2008 10:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone- thank you for your positive comments and best wishes, I hope that you all are doing well and feeling positive. I am still trying to be more positive and live my life instead of it living me. I've been getting out of the house almost daily, put on makeup twice this week! I've begun looking for a new doc, and hope that I will have an appointment within the week. It was suggested that I do some reading on munchausen by proxy, which I have begun doing. I have to admit that the thought has occurred to me in the past, I dont want to believe it but at this point it will be okay if I just read. I do believe that its possible that this syndrome is part of why my chidlhood was so horrible. It makes alot of things finally make sense. I'd like to say I hate her, but the truth- the worse truth for her- is that I just don't care enough about her anymore to have any feelings for her at all. All she represents to me is a dark empty place where I was always afraid and was never safe. Even at this stage of her life she clings to the lies that have become her truth. Nothing can shake her from her insistence on what she did and didn't do. So- I'll continue reading and feel satisfied by my own learning and desire to move forward to a better place in my life.
Peace!
Posted 5/5/2008 10:36 AM (GMT 0)
Sera
It really sounds like you are taking control of your life,and not letting your past haunt you.
That is awesome,and a huge step in getting better.

Please keep us updated,and I hope you have good luck with finding a good doctor.
Posted 5/5/2008 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Excellent progress Sera...Very proud of you! :)))

Maree
Posted 5/5/2008 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
HI Sera,

I am happy that you are moving forward. Although it must be hard, you will find that light at the end of the tunnel. Take things at a comfortable pace for you.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and remember that we are always here for you.

hugs, Karen
Posted 5/16/2008 7:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hey pals! I just wanted to pop in and tell you that I am still trying everyday to do something, anything, to get out in the world and find a place in it. I have begun the process to volunteer at a variety of places- I'll go through their orientations and choose, or maybe they will choose! :) I feel that I may be in a small flare- my aphasia is bad again and I can't sleep, my carpal tunnel in the right hand is waking me up once I get to sleep. I hope I am learning to take all of this in stride. I have gone back on fluoxitine until I can get back on cymbalta. I felt like I was beginning to slip and I guess I will need to be on these meds for life. I don't know why I insist on playing these games with myself- take the meds, don't take the meds. Dummy. Just want to say thank you all for your support- it really does help, knowing that people who understand are out there, pulling for me. I hope everyone is pain free, content, and safe.
Peace!
Posted 5/16/2008 11:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sera

Volunteering is a great feeling,I hope you find the place that you can help at,and can help you.

I understand about the meds,it is hard on our egos to know that we have to take them.
But, it does not have to be for life,just until you beat the depression.

Stay strong.
Posted 5/17/2008 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
I think that we all go through that feeling with the meds too. You want so badly to get better on your own, more control that way. But sometimes we just have to realize that this is most likely a chemical imbalance and we need the meds to level everything out. I tried so many times to go med free, but just couldn't do it. So don't feel bad about it, it is just another thing that you will have to take in stride. That is the best way to look at it.

hugs, Karen
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