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I just didn`t need this today. Please See Part 2 thread started 6/10

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Posted 5/21/2008 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Yesterday was my last visit with my psychologist she is leaving and there is no replacement for her .

I have been haveing a really hard time lately my depression has taken over again .

To top it all off this morning when i answered the telephone i didn`t look at the number .It was one of my uncles and not just any old uncle it was the one who sexually abused me and my sisters when we were little .He rang to say my mothr had taken a turn for the worst .Well what am i suppose to do drop my life and rust there .I just can`t do it not after everything .I have told this uncle never to ring me i do not want to have anything to do with any of them .

I have no one i can turn to to talk to my own family doesn`t understand .

I just feel so alone and with all these emotions that have been sturred up i just want to hide away from everyone and everything .

Restless

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/10/2008 9:14:12 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2008 2:26 AM (GMT 0)
Restless,

Remember that you are in a safe place. You don't have to go anywhere near that man ever again. You are safe and you have us here to talk to.

I will be around for a while longer. I remember that we are on different time zones.

So don't feel threatened. You are going to be okay and I am going to be here.

Talk to you soon,
luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/21/2008 2:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen ,I`m just so upset with the fact that he can call and go on as if nothing has happened .Five years ago i faced him and told him then that i never want to hear from him again .I really am so confused just when i need my psychologist there is none .I told me hubby that he had rang it`s my stupid fault that i didn`t check the phone number before i answered so i have myself to blame .
I have been hiding out here so no one will see me hell my mother came out here once in thirty years so why should i bother with them all now .
I have had others tell me i should forgive her for what had happened but the pain is just so great i can`t .
I`m finding it just so hard to cope atm with everything each day has become a fight from with in myself to even get through each day .I`m not sure what i`m going to do anymore if i even want to be here .This is not the way i wanted to live my life it`s not the way anyone should live.
Restless
Posted 5/21/2008 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Restless,

You don't have to forgive her if you don't want to. There are things that happen in our lives that we cannot forget. There isn't any thing to justify any forgiveness. She should be apologising to you. And so should he. But you do not need to worry about that right now. You need to worry about you and how you are going to relax and cope with this. I don't blame you a bit. I have went as far as to spit on my mothers grave and have no remorse. I had to do it. It made me feel better at the time. If you want to forgive you can, but you don't have to. Do I sound repeatative? 'Because I feel that way.

I just want to stress that he can't hurt you any more and niether can she. So try to relax and do some deep breathing. Is there any crisis numbers that you can call to get ahold of your therapist. I know that you said you wont see her anymore, but maybe you could talk to her over the phone. Just remember you are safe with your husband and no body can hurt you.

I understand your anguish. I can feel your pain. But you will get stronger. You can look yourself in the mirror every day and feel good about yourself. You have nothing to be afraid of anymore. You are a good person and you have tried to do the best you can, and that is all that any of us can do.

So take time out and love yourself.
Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/21/2008 10:09 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Restless,

Always know that you will be safe here with us no matter what happens. Feel free to email me as well if you want. Are there any other psychologists in your area that you can use or that your insurance will cover? It seems a shame that you managed to get a treatment that was working for you and now it is being taken away without a replcement.

Please keep talking to us

Darren

Posted 5/22/2008 10:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Darren but there is no other psychologists out here and i`m not in a position that i can drive the three hours to see another one .
And if it wasn`t enough what happened today i`m feeling worse as hubby and i had a massive arguement today over our almost twenty year old i took a job application down to this place for her to get some work .Well of course i shouldn`t of done it but i have had enough as i told hubby that i am fed up with all that has been happening here for ages now and the fact that she was just too lazy to do it i did it for her .
I reminded him of what he had told her to do earlier on in the week things she did not do and told me she wouldnt do anyway ( get a job ...and clean the room she was sleeping in )
He told her six months ago that she had to make a resume and it`s still not done she has no intentions of even looking for work .
The vet nursing course she is doing is being payed for by us and the seven hour drive to get her there is also being payed for by us all of which we can`t afford .Iam sick of not being able to do anything because there is no money as it all goes on this one child.
So today it all blew up i feel totally like **** and i really do not care about anyone e.specially my family.
For ages now i just see my kids use my to get what they want and they do not give a darn about whal or even if i can cope with it all .
Life at the moment couldn`t get any worse if it tried i don`t even have the guts to do what needs to be done .
Maybe if i wasn`t here then they would realise just what i go through .
Restless
Posted 5/22/2008 11:43 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Restless,

There are probably rights and wrongs on both sides of the argument. The important thing is not to let is stress you out as much as it is at the moment. I have to be honest and say that it sounds like your daughter is taking advantage. Are you able to sit her down and talk about this? Since she is living in your house, perhaps setting some ground rules are whats needed. I can understand that your mothers instinct is there and I credit you for that but I think she is taking advantage of this.

Darren

Posted 5/23/2008 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
Sadly Darren i can`t even talk to this one i really do not want her to even be here she has made my life hell for the past 20yrs .I`m ashamed to say i do not have any feelings for this child .All my other kids have put up with all the crap over the years they see what it has done to me yet my husband of 27yrs still does not understand any of it .I can`t talk to him anymore it`s just like living with a complete stranger most days .I just look to the days he goes to work as thats my only peace .I`m so sick of pretending that everything is ok when i know its not .My psychologist told me the other day to look in the mirror and admire what i see the only thing i see is a broken down person who does not even care if she was not around anymore i even had to lie to her when she asked me a certain question the other day because i know if i told her what i was thinking then she would of had me admitted to hospital and thats the last place i want to go feeling as i do .
It`s such a struggle to get through each day and feel the way i am there has to be something a lot easier than this .
Restless
Posted 5/23/2008 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Restless,
You have to try to hang in there. I am getting concerned about the way that you are feeling. You really need somebody to talk to. I would recommend the suicide hotline or a crisis center right now. Do you feel that you could connect on internet with something like that? I am really worried about you right now.

I am sorry for the way you feel about your daughter. I couldn't imagine living in the circumstances you have right now. I would seriously make her get a job or move out. It isn't right that she is treating you the way she is and you shouldn't have to live with that. I wish that you would of told your psych the way that you were feeling. You could at least let her know that you are losing desire to go on. She could maybe have helped you more.

Call somebody or come on the forum so that we can talk to you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/23/2008 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
Restless

I understand what you are going through,remember that my son and I had major problems for quite some time.

My Grandmother told me that the one that usually gives you the most problems when they are younger,are the ones that seem to turn out the best. I am seeing that now with my son,and I bet you will see that too.

I hope she figures it out and soon before she totally destroys her relationship with her family.

You need to take care of yourself, is your husband stepping in to help??
Is there anyway that she can go stay with a relative until she gets her head on straight?

I am so frustrated for you,you deserve to be treated with respect,and I don't understand where her head is!
Posted 5/23/2008 5:22 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Restless,

I cant begin to imagine how it must feel to have a child who you dont have feelings for since I am only 23 myself and have no children. I think Karen is right on though... its got to be work or move out. She is old enough to stand on her own two feet now and I think if you take a stand, you may even feel a sense of relief that something is being done. I am really worried about you and I think that you need to talk to someone.

Darren

Posted 5/26/2008 2:06 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone sorry i have not been in for a while but the home scene hasn`t been the best and being on the computer would of been adding more fuel to the fire and i really do not need anymore .
This one child has been a major problem for as long as i can remember and has become between hubby and myself it took him sixteen years to realise that she did have a problem afterall .So it had only been me doing everything to see this child had the help i could give and get the education needs met .It became clear to me that hubby wasn`t going to help much with the kids a long time ago so i did the best i could .Yeh i have made mistakes along the way like everyone .
But now to be blamed because of how this child has turned out was the last straw .She is so lazy and has no foresight to even make anything of herself .All the other kids have complained about this child but what more can i do i tell her to leave hubby says no .Its a case of her telling him to jump and he says how high .Along the way with one thing and another my feelings for a lot of things i once cared for have died some will never be resserected again .I just feel that a great part of me has died .I use to thing to myself it will be different when she started high school.....Finished school...made some friends....got a job.....left home .But sadly i see it`s never going to happen so why bother .
I have stopped caring for most things in life .
So much for spending the rest of my life with the man i once loved so dearly it could end tomorrow and i wouldn`t care .As for my other kids well as i said before they only use me i see it more and more each day .I once use to look forward to seeing my oldest daughter not i just thing here we go again.
In one months time the little girl i have been careing for will be moving away she is the reason i get up each day eventhough most days are very hard to deal with atleast i have made it through .
I go see the dr tomorrow she will tell me if i have cancer again of which i`m so sure i do then i have no idea what i will do .There is no one out here to talk to and i`m sorry as for ringing anyone i`m not that good at talking face to face with anyone these days .
I use to hide behind the computer screen as then no one knew it i was crying my eyes out or no even that these days have become restricted and no doubt when i do not make anymoney from minding the little one my computer will go also as hubby is always on my case about not having enough money ( hell if he has of saved all of his money instead of trying evry get rich scheme then we would not have a problem .Anyway i had better end off have to get the little one up soon from her nap .
Restless
Posted 5/27/2008 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
Restless

How are you doing?
Posted 5/29/2008 11:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Shy i`m ok i really have no do not know what to say anymore .Things at home are no better i`m hoping next week will give us a break as my daughter is going away for a week .I`m so looking forward to no arguements .The drs surgery rang this afternoon they have made me an appointment to see yet another psychologist mid next month .Not sure how i feel about it haveing to go through everything again and for how long this time just when i get to the satge where the psychologist can help me and they leave .And to make matters worse they day i see her i have the little bub i care for so i will have to take her with me as i would never leave her with my daughter to look after ,Ijust don`t trust her .
Even though there are so many people that come into our home i feel so alone i just don`t fit in anymore all i do is cook and clean so they all have food to eat and a clean home for them to trash .
As for my marriage i don`t feel as though i am married as when i can`t even talk to hubby anymore i just do not know what to say to him .
My kids just use me all the time and i`m so sick of being walked over all day every day .
Restless
Posted 5/29/2008 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Restless

I see that going on with my b/f's family and I want to scream!
I don' get it.

I wish there was a way for you to have peace, not just for a week.

Your family needs to step up and help you, and your husband needs to do the same.

you are a strong woman..

I am glad that you are getting back into to talk to someone,I know it is frustrating to have someone new,but at least they are making sure that your needs are taken care of.
Posted 5/29/2008 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Restless,

Just wanted to pop in and say that I hope while your daughter is away that you and your husband can talk. I urgently feel the need for him to realize that you need some back up where your daughter is concerned.

Enjoy the week, hopefully you can turn it into something better.

lUv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/30/2008 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Shy it`s very frustrating that each day i am faced with exactly the same thing nothing ever changes .My psychologist tells me to look for something good in each day and more and more i`m finding it very difficult.I have the little girl i`m looking after as she distracts me a lot from a lot of whats going on but sadly she is moving away in a few weeks time .I really do not know what i`m going to do then as there will be no escape from any of it .
This last week i have been trying to think of a different way to tackle just the everyday life stuff but my mind is so confused and i can`t think without many thoughts running through my head at the same time .
I know things are getting really bad again as for the past two weeks i have woken up each morning with bad headaches and th migraines have started increasing again .Its all associated with the stress of everything again.

Karen each time she goes away i hope that i can relax enough to be able to talk to hubby but apart from drinking again i just can`t seem to get there and i`m not going to start drinking again my liver could not tollerate the impact of the alcohol ,by just being on the anti depressants have risen my liver function to a high level ,when the dr told me this in the last appointment i though well why not stop the anti depressants if they are causing the problem but she does not want to .I use to think that the meds were helping me but by being on them i feel so bad what would it be like if i didn`t have them.With all of this i`m seriously thinking of stopping them myself .Atleast a few problems would go away .the liver problems and the weight gain .
I even joined a weight watchers group in a bid to loose some weight but this has been so hard to do .I stick to my diet although i am not doing any exercise i have only lost a couple of kilos in three months it`s working out very expensive and once i`m not earning any money looking after the little one i`m not sure i can even continue paying the fees .
I have weeks where i can`t go to the meetings not because of not being able to get there but the thought of being around other people i just caan`t do it .
Hubby left early this morning to take the daughter away so im in doing all my work to get it out of the way .Tonight i`m not sure how i will go as my son now tells me he is camping with his mates so i will be here alone not so good given the way i`m feeling atm.
Restless
Posted 5/30/2008 10:56 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
How did your night go?

I hope you were able to relax a little bit..
Posted 5/30/2008 11:11 AM (GMT 0)
Shy i just hate being here on my own just too many things to think about when i `m alone .Ithought there might be a movie in the tv but nothing much at all .so i thought i would see my way around the internet for a bit just to pass a bit of time .
Restless
Posted 5/30/2008 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi
I am glad to hear from you, maybe you could play cards on the net or something...
Do you have a big weekend planned?
Posted 5/30/2008 11:42 AM (GMT 0)
no shy just the normal weekend here i have one load of washing left to do tomorrow and then a clean up in the house .One thing is this week my house will remain clean and tidy not like the mess left everywhere by my daughter .
I have one baby joey ( kangaroo) he was 645 gms when he came to me a few weeks ago and he had no fur now he is growing like aweed and now has the hint of fur if you look closely.But he is no trouble just needs his bottle and his bottom cleaned and he sleeps most of the time .
I was hoping my oldest daughter would come by but then the last time she did she abused my help so now i don`t look to seeing any of them now.
Restless
Posted 5/30/2008 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Restless i see a lot of my self in you, although my kids are quite a bit younger than yours, i see at least one going down the same highway, they are 13.5 and one almost nine, they do abslotely nothing to help out. my hub works two jobs, so its not fair to ask him to help, but i need help cant do all alone. My hub wont get after them to help meI feel thats all i am here for is to cook clean, I have planety of weight to lose, but dont no how. the meds help a little, I do see a new therapist on the 12th, as my other one  moved, away, it seemd all my good drs move away and I have to find new one. I often feel lonly even with a house full of people.

Just keep coming on here and posting, and I praying you find a new therapist.  hope the Joey starts getting well and healthy......

Posted 5/30/2008 12:51 PM (GMT 0)
sheryl=jk its good that you come in here i find that this is the most helpful place i have ever found people in here really do understand what we are feeling .One of the psychologists i have been seeing for the past twelve years we have become more of a friend than therapist .She visited me when i was in hospital having cancer treatment last year i broke down when she walked it it was just all too much for me ,but she understood she just gave me a big hug and said nothing for a while.
I got a call from the drs surgery saying they have an appointment to see the new psychologist but i really don`t want to go through everything with her it just keeps on bring it all up again
I know i need to take the medication so that i can function but the weight gain that comes with it causes depression .Hubby doesn`t like me to take the meds but then isn`t willing to help me so that i can be off them .
I thought that last year when i was admitted to a clinic for treatment of my depression and other associated problems thing would be different that maybe they realised that it is a major problem but only being home a few days when i realised that things would never change but in time they have gotten a whole lot worse .
My youngest lad who will be seventeen is ok sometimes he will help me if i ask but as for the rest they are just so lazy and leave it all for me to do so some days i just leave everything as they have it all day long and i do not wash their dishes or wash their clothes nor do i pick up after them but in the end it just makes me feel asthough i`m as dirty as them .
My house is empty tonight just me and the joey he is doing much better thank you .All week i can`t wait to be on my own but when i am faced with it i really don`t like it at all i tend to think to much when i`m on my own and the thought race through my head everso fast i know if i do not take all the meds at night i won`t sleep but then when i do take them i wake up with a migraine i`m not sure which is worse .
RESTLESS
Posted 5/30/2008 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Restless I am sorry you wake up with a migraine, I had that, i dont usaully wake up with them, the tend to creep up over the days time. right now i am listening to my sons music which is about to casue me one, die mf die mf is what the song is saying, and i beyond telling him he cant listen to it. Sometimes like right now i just do the basics, wash clothes, and do the dishes and thats it. I wish he would shut that music off. Its driving me crazy.

Trying living in the here and now is very hard.

Everyone has thier cure, With out some meds I just cant do anything. My family you dont need meds, yes i do. wish i didnt. Sigh , I love my children but they drive me crazy, and when i read your posts, it tells me its not gonna get any better.  the younger one says she moving out when shes 18, and shes the one with more issues, but she has more of plan then her older brothers who admits he staying here for awhile, I have to change computers upo my sons request....

Posted 5/30/2008 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
sheryl i would not mind the kids being here if they pulled their own weight our oldest fellow moved out of home when he was 25 i did not have a problem with him he was working as soon as he finished school he became an electrician and earned good money of which he save all but a small amout he spent on his own needs he never wasted it .Although he didnot help around the home he was not a problem and i didn`t mind washing and cooking for him .His dad on the other hand could not even talk to him i have no idea what hubbys problem was .This lad moved out of home and bought his own home which is a lovel home and i `m so proud that he takes pride in his home and keeps it really well .My oldest daughter also lived at home but moved out a couple of times to try it on her own it didn`t work out the first two times but she did help around the home and i had a great relationship with her but i see how she abuses me now by bring all of the washing from her partener and his kids an parents for me to wash i did this once and felt so low for her doing this to me wheni was already at a very low poing in my life .I now do not see her in the same light as i once did .she only comes near me if she wants something well not anymore this old chook has woken up finally.My second son i loved him dearly but we parted on very heated terms and since then he has died he was a beautiful boy any mother would be so proud to call him their son it`s 11 months since he left this world and a big part of me died with him that day .As for the other two my youngest can`t wait to move into his own place not to get away from his parents but to escape from his sister he can see the damage she has caused where his father can`t see it .
My daughter has told me she can`t wait to move out i have even offered to pack her bags for her but sadely she is still here maybe hubby and her can live the rest of their lives together but when i go they wont have it so easy the pain they have caused me will haunt them the rest of their lives .
Restless
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