Depressed after a break up - Just need some advice

This is going to be a fairly long post, please bear with me. There's a lot to get off of my chest.

I'm a 20 year old male. I was in a relationship for over two-and-a-half years with my ex... the first girl I'd ever been with. She was all of my firsts, from hugs and cuddling straight up through sex.

In early April, she broke up with me. At first, I thought it was no big deal. We'd broken up before, and had been able to work out our problems and got back together. This time was different though; she was living with me. We fought a bit, but it didn't really hit me until she up and moved out while I was at work one day.

I've gone up and down a lot since the break up. I was doing fine until last week. Last week, I started thinking about her a whole lot. I came to realize that I'm not even in love with her anymore, I'm just in love with the idea of her; the idea of having someone around for support when I'm stressed (I really like to be hugged).

I went to a concert, and most of the roads I had to take to get there took me past places we used to go a lot, so I was getting slammed with memories. I almost ended up not having fun at all at the concert. This made it even harder to bear. On top of this, I spend a lot of time alone, since my only roommate works over night shifts and I work during the day.

I started having suicidal thoughts. I had had them before, but that was over a social phobia. Since then, I've gotten over that (mostly), but now I feel as if I'll never find happiness again. This girl made me happier than I'd ever been.. even if in retrospect I'm still not really happy.

I had tried to get her back. I got on AIM and MySpace, and was chatting with her. I found out that she was "talking with someone" as well as me. Well, I came to find out that this meant she was just chatting with another friend she had met around 3 years ago (about when we met), and I took it to mean that she was seeing this person. I have been physically sick. For a time, I would vomit if I thought about her, and I subconsciously starve myself, which is very bad since I'm already a very thin person (fast metabolism).

Well, after I basically begged her to take me back (looking for a familiar comfort), I've calmed down quite a bit. I no longer feel sick when I think about her (most of the time), I don't shake from fear, I don't get sick, and I can eat normally. I don't want to kill myself anymore. I'm joining a kickboxing class with a buddy, and I'm celebrating my 21st this week. I feel... well, what could be called good.

The reason I'm posting here is because today, for no real reason, I've been very sad. I'm an emotional man, and when I feel an emotion, I express it. I've been virtually on the verge of tears all day (even at work), and I can't explain it. I just wanted some advice as to whether I'm moving in the right direction by going out with friends and such.

I still feel guilty for looking at other girls. Is that normal? Am I just paranoid? Should I be doing things "outside my comfort zone" to try to meet new people, or should I just lay low for a while? Any insight is appreciated.

Hi Stave,

I think that confused is right. I think you should go out with your friends and just see what happens. At least that would occupy your mind some. Look at other girls, there is nothing wrong with that. But I would just take it one day at a time like stated above. But keep moving forward.

Oh yes, welcome to healing well. I think you will find it very therapeudic here.

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you for all of your support everyone.

I've been doing things daily to raise my own confidence, and I've been trying to broaden my horizons on life as well.

Since I last posted, I started kickboxing class, I've hung out with friends, and I'm celebrating my birthday tonight with my friends too.

There are still a few things that strike me as odd though, about the way I'm feeling. Sometimes, I could care less about my ex. When I think of her, I get mad and end up talking myself through my anger at her, but it feels good to be angry because of the way things went during certain parts of our relationship. Other times though, I get inexplicably sad, and I just want to disappear under a rock. This feeling can last for less than a minute, or days it seems.

I guess my most recent question is: are these feelings normal?

I don't feel sad today like I did at the time I posted last, but I feel.. detached? Almost like I can be with friends and feel excluded at the same time. I haven't heard of things like this, so I figured I'd ask.

Thank you all again for your support. I took the posts and held your words close to my heart last night as I celebrated my "coming of age". Today, I woke up and felt another level of sadness. Since June 1 (today) is technically when I turn 21, it hit me much harder today than yesterday, when I felt sad.

Today I woke up and I just wanted.... someone nearby. It really didn't matter who or why or how, just some comfort. I was able to talk with a friend, and then I remembered my plans for tonight and I moved past it, but as I've been able to cope much easier since I put some of this stuff down on paper (or in text), I figured I'd post this too.

From the little time I've been a part of this community, I already feel like I fit in here, and knowing that people like yourselves, complete strangers, could care so much for someone who you've never met just means so, so much and really restores my faith in people and in life itself.

When I try to look into the future, I don't see anything. At all. But I'm taking this as a sign from *insert deity/spiritual force here* that its finally time to stop stressing over everything, and just live life.

Last night was literally the most fun I've ever had. My best friends and their girlfriends and I went to a nightclub where my uncle works and I got drunk and I danced and had a great time. Normally, I'm very stiff and self conscience and wouldn't even go to a nightclub, but I just went with the flow and did something new, and I had so much fun doing it that I wanted to share it with you all, and kind of show myself that I'm doing things to change my mindset.

We got em

What a mess!