I need a friend, im so scared!

I text my ex that I managed to leave a post... She replied ''Good Good''... I can't stop crying... I want to get better and be there for her... I want to be strong.... I don't want her to see me like this... I want to make her proud... I want my best friend back but so scared of her seeing this... I want to stop making her life difficult and her to love me again.

I understand your need for a friend.  I too am in a relationship that I don't know were it is going.  We have been married 25 years and now he is someone else and doesnt seem to have any real freelings for me.  He says he loves me, but he has changed his life and started doing destructive things to himself.  He also is on a forum and has made these people an important part of his life.  I feel more important than me.  We are in Maui on what is suppose to be a vacation to reconnect.  In someways we have but I fear it is more on a sexual level.  To love someone so much and then to have them feeling like they no longer want them in your life is devasting.  I know how you feel.  Patience is hard to have.  Everyone is telling me to be strong and act as if I can live without him. He has been the center of my life all these years.  How do I step away and be independent when we have shared everything?  He is going to the UK to see these people.  I don't understand this either and he is going without me.  I know how lonely you feel.  Hang in there.

Scrapbooklady,
Thankyou for your reply, hey were not alone but still it feels like this could never happen to anyone else I know. Please don't be offended but it's good to read others stories and realise that your partner is'nt the only one displaying such behaviour. As I said in my long post earlier today my partner prior to addmission into hospital spent every living minute with her friends, escaping the reality of what was happening to her. I now understand that it was her way of not facing what was happening to her. Let's face it what 20yr old wants to face that they can hear voices in there head. But now although she is struggling and i'll admit i'm worried sick knowing she is verging on a state of mania even with the return of the voices; I think I now understand even though it may be too late for us. My ex does'nt use a forum anymore instead she gets her support from two friends who shared her experience during her time in hospital. At times i've felt gutted that she seems to spend every living moment with them recently and constantly letting me down on our plans. But now I realsie it has been her escape and time for space. She spends time being understood by them in a way I geuss I never will manage. She helps them through their own trials and daily struggle associated with being dealt the hand of a mental illness. I wish I had accepted this earlier and been more understanding to her needs regarding these friends and the closeness they share through personal experience. I know just how hard it is to try and support someone who seems to throw everything you offer and do back in your face. I've sat here sobbing my eyes out for 24hrs now. People around me seem to find it hard to understand that someone can be worth that. Well all I say to myself is that unless pushed into our shoes they will never know. Between me and the love I lost from her, there is a series of obstacles, there is nothing I want more, no obstacles i've ever faced less daunting. My decision is to be me, to have and do something out of the ordinary although facing difficulties and challenges that are greater than anyone else can imagine. Her love is worth it. Don't listen to others if you want to make it through it and live from now till the day after eternity together then go for it. Don't make the same mistake i did and loose it before reaching the best part. You tell me to hang in there do the same if he is worth it to you!!
Keep in touch and thankyou

Karen,
I've heard similar words with the same meaning before the scary thing is it was from my ex last night. Your both right and as i'm learning to realise it's oh so true. It's been hard to love myself when the only person I have in my life seemed not to. I sit here praying it was the illness blocking that, but as time passes the way i've being hating myself and my reactions to times of difficulty so much can't have made it easy. Time to get me back to being me again and see if it restores what she has lost within. I think the quote goes “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” Maybe it's time I listened and remembered what my ex fell for ME she taught me to be me again! It takes so much courage to be me, but Its time I found it.
Thank you for opening my eyes

karen,
I live in the u.k. so have just got out of bed and woken up to your message waiting for me. I like that saying it makes you stop and think. I'm beginning to finally have the motivation to return back to work tonight for my night shift and face the world. My ex says I dwell in self pitty and if I don't help myself then there is no point in anyone else trying. I understand now that she is oh so right and although I sit back worrying about her coping stratergies now I can see she has the right idea. I have been making life so hard for her during her difficult time by keeping her in the past, she needed to move on to the now to live it the way she knows she must. Now by me learning to do the same I will be becoming a better person and be able to offer her more than the memories I clutch so tightly. I understand now that I need to get myself sorted, face it, deal with my problems and then and only then could a future involving her be possible. Why doe's it always take me to loose her to realise my mistakes?
Your a star

Tunny,

You keep refering to your mistakes. I don't see mistakes, I just see learning experiences. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person.

Luv and hugs, Karen

I was wondering if It would be a good idea to send a letter via my ex's support worker, explaining all my feelings my errors and feelings. then he can decide what is best for her at the moment and ever read it / give it to her when the time is right weather that be next week, a month or never. I just don't want to drag her down but want her to know. What do you think? Can you think of a better idea or anyother suggestions? I want to protect her from me messing this up!