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New, very bad week, how do I cope

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Posted 9/3/2008 1:46 PM (GMT 0)

Hi,

I just woke up this morning and decided to see what I could find online to help, it is a truly horrible week and I am just needing some words of comfort, reassurance that it will get better.

So here is my story and hopefully I will connect with happy people and words to cheer me and perhaps there is someone out there with a very similar story with whom I can correspond.

I am a very positive person and always smiling and happy, people comment on my happiness all of the time - but sometimes it just does seem as though you are being clobbered over and over in a short period of time and then it is hard to remember the sunshine moments.

Long Very Long story short, I was married 22 years when my husband and first boyfriend completely and unexpectedly ended our marriage the morning after our only child graduated from high school - he said he had been waiting ten years for a divorce. I was beyond shocked, but looking back (hindsight is so perceptive) we never did anything together as a couple. I thought we had a good marriage because even though we never talked, we did have a frequent physical side, so that was not an issue. I cooked for him and loved him and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. In hindsight I also realized he was a depressed unhappy person and I was a cheery person and was always trying to "love" the unhappiness and dissatisfaction out of him. It was draining to me.

So I coped with the end of my marriage  and learned to enjoy the beauty of life, the rain on my face, the hike in the mountains and it was all wonderful. I started dating. I went to an online site. It was very therapeutic - in just three short months I had 5,000 hits!!

Something terrific happened: I met someone wonderful online I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Then I was hit with terrible diagnosis of illness (but not a death sentance) and I am coping with that just fine I think.

My boyfriend lives six hours away and I am working hard to organize my life to join him.

But I am not divorced, that seems so overwhelming, how to protect myself but I don't want to be too stingy/greedy to my husband.  I also need his medical coverage.

I had returned to college and am continuing with that.

To make ends meet, I have now begun to rent out rooms in my house in the country. I just moved several people in last week for the first time. They are both very interesting.

This week - many ugly things - I do miss my boyfriend so much as we can only see each other a couple times a month.

I had bought a new camera for my job and it was stolen Saturday. I just discovered the theft yesterday.

I had just bought my first new laptop and took it straight to a computer guru shop to rig it up so I wouldn't have any problems with it and just turned it on for the first time this morning and it is a blank screen, so I hit system restore and it removed all of the work the guru did for me.

In the meantime I am also working to sell everything I own. I discovered I was a hoarder all these years - not rotten shoes and broken windows, but thousands and thousands of vintage items, I love vintage and picked it up nickle and dime at garage sales for my entire life.

I realized after my marriage ended, of course, that I had been intensely lonely and sought to relieve that loneliness by shopping at garage sales and vintage stores for tiny old things that made me happy. Of course that made the ex furious. But my house main rooms are very adorable and clean and decorated so wonderfully with my fun finds - people always exclaim when they see my house and obviously the renters wouldn't move into a horrible house.

Yet Now I have barn after barn after house after attic after under-the-porch FILLED to the brim with wonderful stuff, not junk. I could fill a store. I tried to open a boutique booth in town last summer and guess what? It was all stolen. It really is almost funny.

So this morning in the early a.m. with my sweet boyfriend who lives so very far away unable to hold me...I am lonely and hurting and telling myself all the wonderful things I have going for me...but sometimes it is so hard to kick back against the hurts that come our way, so I am looking for some good people out there to tell me it is all workable.

Today I will call the sheriff's office and report the theft, call insurance and get a claim going (my work on the camera is lost however) and then I will take the computer back into the computer store and I know it can be fixed.

But tonight again I will sleep alone. And there is so much more I could tell - about how my sweet father was murdered four years ago, and how scared I am about being able to fully support myself.

Thank you for your time

ButterflyGirl7   

Posted 9/3/2008 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterflygirl,

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot.  But for being a hoarder, I am too.  Though I am called a packrat.  I have a lot of antique things also that I should part with but don't want to.  I just wonder is it worth hanging on to these items.

 

It sounds like you just need to organize and sell.  I am at that point now too.  I just have way too much stuff.  I use to have floral and gift shop.  I have tons of items left over that are just collecting dust.  And they are in the way.  It is time for them to go, I guess.  In all reality, I can't use this stuff anymore.  I put my floral cooler on Craig's list and did get a call.  But the person is very far away and I don't know if she wants to travel that far to come and get it.  I hate to part with it, but what am I going to do with it by keeping it.  It is a beautiful cooler and I guess it needs to be used.  So hopefully she will buy it.

 

I know that this post probably hasn't helped a whole lot.  Hopefully somebody will come on and give you some better advice than I can.

 

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

 

Hugs, Karen

Posted 9/3/2008 8:37 PM (GMT 0)

Dear ButterflyGirl7

I am so sorry your life has gone haywire, wow.  Well lets put a positive spin on some of this.

IMHO your number one job is to get your divorce and settle your finances with your husband.  Is he still living on the same property with you.  I am asking this as he is upset with your collection.  Why does he care what you collect? The health insurance question is tricky and will depend on what the judge decides in the settlement whether you husband is responsible for your health care insurance.

AS your husband wanted the divorce that may be in your favor.

For now I would keep you boyfriend out of the picture so you do not get accused of cheating if you are still married.

I am glad you are back in school and have discovered the wonder of nature. Meeting someone online is tricky so make sure you know this person well before you pack up and move.  I wish you much happiness.

AS far as selling your items, my daughter uses ebay and has always had good luck.

I stay away from ebay as I am a buyer so it is not good for me. turn

Take care and keep on talking to us.

Kitt


Posted 9/3/2008 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly!

I am sorry, as I can't be much of a help. I just want to let you know that you are not alone, I am always here. I just discovered the healing power of hugs, and at the moment there is nothing that I want to do more than to give you one. So here is one:
((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

Loneliness is an awful thing, but doing the things you mentioned (going to the computer shop, sherriff, etc.) will help you to get your mind to forget it for a while. Maybe you could try to walk in as happy as you can be, smiling, and find out how nice some people are. I am sure there are a lot of people who really like talking to you, and it is easier for them to start a conversation when you look like you might enjoy it. Another thing I learned just recently.

All the very best, and good luck with all your plans!
Erik
Posted 9/3/2008 11:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Butterfly,

 I'd like to give you a warm, friendly hug to start (((((Butterfly)))). I don't have a lot to add to what the others have said but I just like to tell you I'm very impressed with you and all you've gone through and how you just keep plowing forward. I can feel the positiveness in your being from your post and I envy that attitude. Long story short, I also met someone online going through a divorce and she lives across the country so I can feel your pain and loneliness first hand. It's nice and reassuring to have people you can lean on even in this cyberspace world and know your not alone. Sending more positive thoughts your way.

Take care , Pete

Posted 9/4/2008 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
I so appreciate coming online and finding so many wonderful replies to my post. :) The hugs are very much appreciated!! And just what I needed.

Today I began by filing police reports on my camera and an insurance claim.

I also began with one tiny step toward selling/clearing the clutter of a million great buys. (Lordy, I found 15 cans of unopened Comet!!)
I have a mound of stuff in my shop/ex husband-to-be garage from a storage shed of mine that blew over. I figured if I just picked up ONE item and looked at it and priced it and set it down on ONE tiny cleared surface, I will have begun to get ready for my sale.
I am a very organized packrat. I have a thousand totes filled with labeled items in two plastic Costco sheds, three barns and a 10X50 mobile home. How does she do it, you ask? lol

That brings me to another depression question circulating in my brain: a new friend of mine went rock hounding at the river with me. We just couldn't stop collecting the agates/petrified wood, etc.
She laughed and said: "Well it's a good thing we both are ADD (attention deficit disorder) it is why we get along so well."
And it shocked me to realize: I have probably been this way all my life!
Incidentally, I nearly drowned taking home my backpack full of rocks when I fell backwards into the river and couldn't get out of the pack (because I couldn't bear to leave any of the rocks behind)

I went online and looked up attention defiicit disorder and took a self-diagnostic test and had at least a mixture of ten/eleven of the symptoms.

Question: anyone out there with adult ADD?

Thanks!
Tired but feeling better Butterfly Girl
Posted 9/4/2008 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly,

I have adult add. I take adderall for it. It really helps, plus gives me some energy. I am a rock hound too. I wish that I lived where there were more agates. I have found a few in places that there aren't suppose to be any. I live in what is called an esker. The glaciers came through here many many years ago. I find a lot of petoskey stones. It is sea coral, that has filled in with lime stone. They are really cool. They polish up really nice. I am in northern Michigan. The stones are plentiful here.

I wouldn't worry too much about the add, if you can concentrate long enough to collect those beautiful stones, I am sure that you are okay. Maybe she was just joking when she said that. But if you do have it, it can be treated.

Good luck rock hunting. You are not alone, I have many times collected more than I could carry home. I have coffee cans full of rocks. and Bags. I am going to put them all outside in a pile. Except for the ones that I call my specials.

I have made jewelry out of stones. It is a blast. You should try it. I have a rock saw where I can slice the stones. They are so cool looking on the inside. I wish that I could find petrified wood like you are and the beautiful agates.

Have a wonderful day

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/4/2008 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
Karen and Butterly , i have adult ADD. i dont take anything for it, was on addderall for ahwile, but it actually made me sleepy so I discontinued that.

I love rocks and stones too, i used to have a bigger collecton, but somehow i seems to have dwindled down.   I also really like candles, i collect candles, i was even making my own candle creations at on time, I need to get back in to that. idea

Posted 9/4/2008 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Making your own candles sounds cool Sheryl. I did that some in art class in college. It was fun. We used parafin wax and crayons to color it. I am sure they are much more complicated now. That is something that I would like to do more of.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/4/2008 9:09 PM (GMT 0)

Good afternoon,

I do not have ADD but I am a bit obsessive about some things and then it wears off.  I would have collected so many rocks as more is always better for me but in the end I would give them all away when I realized I collected way to many.

Butterfly, it sounds like you took some real positive steps today..........good for you now keep it up.  You could get rich selling all of your collection smilewinkgrin

Please know we are all here and each of us is one more person to lean on.  (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Kitt

Posted 9/8/2008 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
My husband left in 2003 after a 28 year marriage. At 51, no one would hire me. My biggest nightmare is health insurance. I have Ulcerative Colitis, so I cannot be insured privately. In my state, if you were on a group plan, took COBRA if it was offered, paid all your premiums, then at the end of three years my state HAS to offer you health insurance. You only have 63 days to apply. The insurance was almost $600 a month last year. It goes up every birthday and whenever they feel like it. This year it is almost $700.00 a month. My birthday is coming up December 3rd so it will go up then and last year it went up at the new year, too. Also, one medication I have to take went from $30 for 8 to $50 for 4. It also does not cover LOTS but because it is so expensive, I do not have any money to pay for the stuff it doesn't cover. So I do with out medical care I need despite staggering health care premiums. Soon, the premiums will equal more than my alimony.

I have to live with my son for life because I cannot live on my own since all my money goes to health care premiums. He did not ask for this. He went to college and made something of himself. He has a great job but can't buy the things a young man would like because he is always having to help with my healthcare costs.

He wants to take his career to another state. He cannot because of me. I would not be able to get ANY health insurance in another state and with Ulcerative Colitis and lifelong treatment for blood clots, and a few other things, I cannot be without healthcare insurance for even one day.

My message: Think about this before your divorce. I didn't.
Posted 9/8/2008 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
UC Im sorry for what you are going through. Is though no state aid that can help you, as you cannot afford these health costs?

My heart goes out to you and your son. If he moved could he help you from afar?

Just trying to think of suggestions.  That ia a long time to have a marriage, then have is dissovle, I am truley sorry.

You and your son are in my prayers..

Posted 9/8/2008 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Karen I had sevral of these china tea cups, not doing anything with them, so i decided to make canle dreations out of them, i took some old candles and some rocks and melted them in the teacups, and would stick a long candle in the middle and let it harden that way, you couldnt burn these but i decorated them with crafts and they came out real nice, gave some away to people like my daughters bus driver. OOH which reminds me Kara will be riding the reg ed bus home today for the first time. No more spec. ed bus for her after 6 years, she basically been on it to protect her, as i didnt know how all the noise would affect her, but she says she can handle it. Plus she has a friend on the bus she sits with so that will work out. tongue
Posted 9/8/2008 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
Butterfly how are doing this week? blush
Posted 9/8/2008 4:32 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Butterfly,

I am with Sheryl on wondering how your doing.  Let us hear from you.

Kitt

Posted 9/8/2008 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
Sheryl,

Those candles sound so cool. I bet they looked beautiful. I have never thought of doing that. I do have some old china and a bunch of candles from my old giftshop. Maybe I can make some use out of them yet. I am thinking about haveing a garage sale to get rid of a lot of stuff that I have collected over the years. Got to get rid of it, as much as I want to keep it all. I am a packrat when it comes to stuff like that.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day today.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/8/2008 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah I am too, Always think im gonna use it. Then when I finally get rid of something, I need it eyes .
Posted 9/8/2008 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
I know the feeling, or else I can't find it until I buy another one, then I have two of whatever it is. That's life I guess.

hUgs, Karen...
Posted 9/11/2008 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
Dear UC,

I'm so sorry to hear of all you have been through following your divorce. Your information is very helpful to me and I appreciate you sharing this painful story.
The medical is my main reason for not pursuing the divorce. That and making sure I am ready finanicially to support myself. People harass me pretty much continuously about not being divorced yet, but after watching how my boyfriend struggles to find coverage for himself as he has had seizures in the past - and can't get affordable health insurance - I surely don't want to be in the same predictament.

*Since the doctor's treatment caused this situation for you, do you have any legal recourse to help with your medical bills?
*Also, can you get on social security due to disability?

These are just a few ideas.

My boyfriend has terrible stomach problems in the past, and nowdrinks apple cider vinegar, organic kind, everyday. He says it helps.

I certainly hope you feel better. Are there support groups in your area who could offer emotional support as well as other resources?

Take Care,

Butterfly
Posted 9/12/2008 5:41 AM (GMT 0)
I too am a packrat.

First the camera was stolen from my car. But over the past few days I have come to realize..it wasn't just the camera. The compound bow (bow and arrow) and air compressor that were in the breezeway are gone too...now I think it was a crime of opportunity and someone came through and took those things and who knows what else as I am filled to the brim and overflowing with stuff.
Now I have to call the police and insurance back and say "Uh, I think a lot more stuff is missing" and they are going to come over to my house and see the stacked totes and piles of misc. I am trying to price and think a crazeeee lady lives here.
Then I had to call my ex-husband and tell him about the bow and tools and now he is mad and worried and wants to come over and inventory his shop.
And the doctor called today to say the treatment we did to rid my cervix of cancer did NOT work after all and we are going to have to be more "aggressive" in treatment.
I moved a bunch of stuff from one room in my house thinking I was going to rent it out to a nice young lady but she declined. I put all that in my bedroom. I can barely find my bed. I am sleeping a storage room, for goodness sake. If I have to get up in the dark and go to the bathroom I have to turn on a light and jump a few hurdles. How can this be normal. On the upside, I think I am getting in great shape. Maybe there are Olympics for Tote Hurdling and the Piles of Clothes High Jump. How about the Stack of Unfiled Papers Mountain Slide?

Are there other packrats out there?

The doctor called with his bad news after I had posted earlier today. And I discovered the air compressor is gone too.
When the doctor called I started shaking and my heart was pounding. I really thougth we were done after last week when he said it all looked great.

On the nice side, my other roommate fixed dinner for me.:)

I am terrified of my husband coming over in a few days. He will see this incredible mess I have everywhere and go ballistic. Well, he will just growl and shout. I want him to only see my house and me looking perfect. He wil also learn I am renting out rooms and blame me for the stuff being gone. Although I am quite sure it is not my renters. They are a couple of really great people.

Anyone else with cervical issues out there? How do you cope.

How do you rid yourself of your massive collections. And not go out and buy,buy, buy the same stuff over and over. My emotional Candy I have collected as I was soo lonely for so long.

Butterfly
Posted 9/12/2008 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
Im sorrry to hear the treatment has got to get more aggressive to get rid of your cervical cancer cry

I got a lot "stuff" too i like going to yards sales, garage sales, even thrift stores, and i collect so i kow how that is rolleyes

Posted 9/12/2008 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sheryl,

Thanks for writing back. :) I sure enjoy the posts from everyone. Nice to know one is not alone!

I just spoke to two moms with young children who live in my neighborhood. I am going to hire them for 10 percent of the profits to help me sell my stuff at garage sales, ebay and craigslist. One is coming over tonight to discuss and the other is coming over Monday.

My pre-op is next Tuesday for laser treatment of the cervix.

I feel rather desperate...get everything in order just in case....

Tattered Butterfly!
Posted 9/12/2008 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly,

I had lazer treatment on my cervix and it went well. This was quite a few years ago too. I am sure that they came a long way since then. I had HPV. I also had a conization on my cervix for displasia. So both surgeries went well. I am sure that you will be fine. Keep us posted okay?

Hope that you can sell some of your stuff. Craig's list and ebay are wonderful. I have to sell my floral cooler. I put it on Craig's list and did get a call, but we were too far from eachother. So I will try ebay next. I really don't want to sell it, but I don't do floral anymore so why keep it? That is the packrat in me, really I just don't want to admit that the business is done. Sad, huh?

Keep your chin up, we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/15/2008 3:45 AM (GMT 0)

I was depressed when i was loosing my hair. And i went to the lazer treatment and i got good results from that treatment.

====================================

suszen

Clinical Depression

Posted 9/15/2008 4:27 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen,

packrat, yes, I am - big time. I spend the day in the garage trying to make headway to sell.

I know I spent years taking out my unhappiness by buying little vintage things, but why can't I let go real easily now that I am happy and with someone I want to be with? I am afraid I will lose him if I don't "hurry." He might not want to wait years while I get rid of all my excess. I must have ten totes of nothing but stationary. Sigh. I really think I am the biggest hoarder in the universe.

I have got to hire someone. It could be years to go through all of this stuff and now another winter is imminent.

Dear Suszen, thanks for writing. Was the laser treatment for your cervix as well?

Butterfly
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