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Posted 9/5/2008 7:37 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, first off, I want to properly warn some people. I do my best to stick to the rules, but I dont want to cause anyone to get upset or anything like that so, usually I like to let people know ahead of time, in case you wish not to read it and I would 100% understand! Another thing, I just want to vent..I know I need to talk to someone. I know I should probably talk to my doctor, but right now, it hurts worse when someone tells me that. (just to elaborate some on my feelings!)

Okay, so, school started. Im doing good I guess. BUT I am feeling SO overwhelmed. I cant focus. Today I told my friend(who knows everything about my "condition"), she told me that it was me, that I really didnt have alot of work. So much has happened the past 3 weeks, with me, and also with a friend of mine(who, without being specific, I saved her life by speaking up about HER feelings) So, as you can imagine, that wasnt easy for me. I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I dont know where to start when I want to talk to someone. I feel like my world is closing in. I feel really crowded. I have wanted to be alone alot lately, and quiet(but Im generally a quiet person)... .  
 

Other than that. I have something important I wish to discuss. I havent told many people this, only about 3 I believe. I have been holding it in for a while now. And, honestly, its something Im ashamed of. Back in February, there was a week when something happened and I was against food. (so maybe you know where Im going with this, just a warning) Everyday, for a week, I would eat my breakfast, and lunch at school(neither are ever really big..) but, then, I would come home and eat... and then.... I would throw up. Yea, on purpose. After that, I had no appetite so dinner didnt happen. I know its a stupid thing to do, but I did it anyways. I quit after that week...I may have done it once after that.

So, last Friday night. I had a huge urge to do it. I had been having the urge to but I just didnt want to do it again....But, I did. And I have done it several times since then. Im telling you, maybe I shouldnt be ashamed, but I am. Why? Because I feel like I WANT to do it!!! Im having such a hard time understanding it. I know its not right....yet, I want to do it?? I mean, thats crazy, and I dont understand it. cry

Other than that, I have an unstable friend, whom I spoke of before, and Im doing everything I can for her. Yet, she tells me that for once I should put myself first and talk to my counselor about things. I told her that I couldnt, I have a hard time talking about things. I know its a problem, but its like I wont admit that its a serious problem. ...so I dont know what I should do... cry confused cry

teNNis, I am sorry I did edit your post per forum rules but I hope you understand why.

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/5/2008 8:29:30 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/5/2008 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tennis,

I've read your story, and I can see that you are confused. I can't help you much, but I just want to let you know that I am here, if you ever need someone to talk to.

I can tell you something about me when I was in the same situation as you are in right now, but I don't think that would be much of a help. Maybe if you write down the things that makes you do all this can help, but only do it if you feel good about it. I think that is something you should try, to be aware of the moves you make, and first think of them for a few seconds, weighing out the pros and cons. That way, you can look back at it and don't feel ashamed or bad, because at that moment, you made a conscious decision. In the end, all the unconscious decisions you make can come back to you, especially when you aren't feeling good.

And some more practical tips, in my try to lift the spirits a bit. Listen to the birds, get out in nature when the sun is shining and embrace it. Listen to "good" music, like Bob Marley. I nowadays listen to reggae every morning when I go to college, and it makes me way more calm and peaceful. Also, analyzing yourself might give you some new insights. But most important is to do only the things you, you!, want to do.

One last thing, if you want to write down exactly what you feel, and know it won't be appropriate on the forum, you can always send me message.

All the best!!!
Erik
Posted 9/5/2008 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Tennis,

I think Erik is right, that you should try writing some stuff down about how you are feeling, you could even show what you had written to your counsellor if you didn't feel comfortable or found it hard to talk about. 

 

Posted 9/5/2008 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
I write things down all the time. I havent been writing things down on here because I can just never tell when I should or shouldnt...so I have a notebook I write in. I actually go outside and I lay across the back seats of my car(its super comfy!)..and I turn the radio on and I write down things. So, I do that...it helps me get things out, but I still feel alone when I am done because I wish I were actually telling someone and someone could help me.

You know what. I just realized that I really wish I could have a hug. I have told 2 friends my age. A teacher who is my amazing friend! And my counselor. Those are the real life people.... and I really wish I could tell one of them everything(thats not possible because not even I know what all is in my head), but I just wish I could cry, in front of one of them(I dont cry in front of people, or show any bad emotions i.e. mad, sad) and I wish they could hug me back... I guess I need to feel like someone "really" cares and feel safe and secure...

Well, thanks a bunch for letting me vent. I was at school and I couldnt talk to my counselor, she was in a meeting. Although, I went to the restroom and I almost ran into her when I come out and she asked how I was and such and said I should come talk to her on Monday... So, we will see what happens, but I really needed to let alot out then, thanks!
Posted 9/5/2008 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,

I know that you don't want to hear this, but we have to advise you to talk to a professional.

But I want you to know that my email is always open to you so if you feel the need, feel free to get ahold of me.

I think the key to understanding this is to first identify why you feel the need to purge. What is it that causes you to feel that you aren't allowed to enjoy your food. When you are eating, do you know that you are going to throw up afterwards? Does that stop you from enjoying your food. Or do you still enjoy it? There are so many different ways to look at this. And so many ways to go about trying to figure out why it is that you do what you do.

You said that you are feeling overwhelmed with school, but your friend says that it is just you and that you don't have all that much work. Do you worry all day until you are able to do the work, or do you worry that the work isn't right? It really sounds like anxiety to me, I wonder if your medication needs to be increased? I guess that would be another reason to talk to your doctor. Sorry, I know that you didn't want me to say that, but it is an option. You might not be getting enough lyrica. Are you still taking that?

Well, we know that anxiety can lead to so many other problems. That is kind of a fact. So now you have to figure out how you are going to get rid of the anxiety. We already know that medication is one way, but maybe you want to go another route. That would be to stop that anxiety before it starts. Is it only when you get an assignment at school? Or is it school itself? There is so much to think about here, but now I remember. You didn't want to really try to figure this out so to speak, you just wanted to vent. Sorry again. Maybe if you write all of this down on a piece of paper. Ask yourself one question, like maybe "what makes me feel anxious?" is it the fibromyalgia? Is it being around people?" Whatever it is, write that down and then write down different things that you can practice to relax. If one doesn't work, try another. Keep trying until you find what is right for you.

ONe thing Christi, about the purging. When you do that, there is acid in the vomit that comes up. It not only eats your asophogus(sp), but it eats your teeth too. So think about that when you come to that moment. It is strong acid and it doesn't take all that long before the damage is done. So that is another reason not to do that. Mavbe making a list of the pros and cons of the consequences to what you are doing.

There are so many different ways we could figure this out Christi, so if you want we could all help you. Or if you just want to vent, we will listen. I guess that I have rattled on enough to write a book. I hope that you start to feel better soon. If it is the fibro bothering you, a lot of it might be due to the weather changes that we have been experiencing. Anyway, enough of me trying to figure this out. This is up to you to do, but we are here to help you.

I hope that you have a fantastic weekend.

Luv and hugs, ...Karen

I guess I am not sure what I should say, I know that you didn't necessarily want advise, but just to vent. But I can't help but try to give you a little advise. I guess it is because I do care.
Posted 9/5/2008 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much Karen. And its totally fine that you or anyone else helps me. It just makes me a bit upset when people tell me the same thing over and over and I already know, like the whole doctor talk to someone thing! Its okay! Actually, I ran out of the anxiety med I was taking about 3 weeks ago, I have asked my mom EVERYDAY if she has called. I told her to talk to the doc and see what he wants to do because it wasnt helping enough. SHE STILL HASNT DONE IT!!!! It has made me SO frustrated at her. I ask her and her excuse is(like always) "I've been working all day and I couldnt"... She knows it makes me angry... Okay next

I think that I think before I eat. I think to myself, "well am I going to eat to much or not? Am I hungry or not?" Then I will say "well I can just eat alot and enjoy it then and yes I know that after I get done that Im going to throw it up." I guess because I can eat whatever and then I can just get rid of it... next

Okay, school. I worry about when I am going to do the work, when it is due, how long its going to take, whether or not I have enough time... etc. I worry about going my best, of course, thats the perfectionist in me(or as my dad calls it, my OCD). Im still taking the lyrica. Same dose I have been on, @ the last doc appt. he decided to just let me stay on it until I go to a Ped. Rheumy sometime in the next few months. We didnt want to risk screwing up my sleep since it has helped that. So... And as I said before, Im out of the anxiety med and it didnt help unless I took a little more than I was prescribed... next

School is just so stressful. This is my last year so Im trying to make it everything and just get through it. Everytime I get assignments, its one on top of the other and I just get overwhelmed. And its probably not that bad if I would just manage my time better...but I just have zero drive and zero focus and interest. I have a notebook that I write things in so... next

I do know that. I know what all it can cause, and thats scary considering I know its a bad thing to do, it can cause so many problems, yet I still do it. Im not sure why... I worry about that as I am actually throwing up. I think about what it is doing to my throat, esophagus, teeth, and even my heart. I know the pros and cons, and we all know regardless how that turns out, but I just... I dont know. I cant figure out why I continue to want to do it... =/ next.

I would appreciate all the help I can get, but I dont think theres that much you guys can do for me, but I could be wrong. I know you guys can listen, support, and encourage me, and if you ask me, that sounds pretty great! Oh yea, my fibro has been horrible lately. I have been hurting all over. And I have been having constant headaches everyday. I think they are stress related and such. I just really want to be away from people, and when I am, I feel like Im in my own world and I want to break down, but I just keep holding everything in.

Thanks for everything. I really do appreciate it. I know I have to change this. I have to fix it. But, its not as easy as just fixing all of this, I have to change that part of me that keeps my guard up and holds things in. Thats what I have to fix.... and I promise to try. Im going to do my best to talk to my counselor, you have my word. Thanks
Posted 9/6/2008 2:39 AM (GMT 0)

Dear TeNNis,

Hello and I am sorry your in a bad place.  I know you are aware of how much we want to help you stay in a safe place. 

Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, you  should take a deep breath and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get your  mind off of the problem. You  could get some fresh air, listen to some music, or do an activity that will give you  a fresh perspective on things.

I won't tell you to go see your counselor as you know that.  Also you did a very honerable job is taking care of your friend but she is right, you have to put you first. 

Learn to take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. You will do well in school................you always have and you will continue too.

Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them.

Talk to us and let us hear what you have done that you are good at or proud of. Brag about your accomplishments.

Is there anything you wanted to do but never got round to? A hobby you wanted to start? Throw yourself into it and don't look back.

Be good to yourself, be selfish and put you first in your life.  You are an impoertant and caring person..............that speaks for itself.

Wake up to sunshine and a new day tomorrow knowing you have a family here at HW.

Blessings to you dear TeNNiS.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 9/6/2008 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt, reading these again last night made me feel a bit better.

So, she tells me to put me first, Im not used to that, to be honest. I like doing things for others and stuff, ya know, I hate to brag, although I have to admit everyone does it at some point, so... I guess I dont actually believe that its a huge problem. BUT I know that its a problem and that I want it to go away. But, its like I just keep holding it in pretending that I can take care of it myself or something. (you dont have to tell me, I know from experience that I cant cure myself!) But, thats how it is. Hmm...you told me to be selfish, I have never heard that before! haha

Umm... I am proud of my drawings. My counselor(when I talked to her last year) recommended I take art class this year after I showed her my paintings...I was scared at first, and still am, but we have been drawing and mine are really cool! I hung about 6 or 7 of them on our refrigerator yesterday! =] And I havent gotten back the best ones yet, The ones I did that I got to choose what to draw, those were amazing! I enjoy drawing abstract and geometric, so mine were way different than my classmates who were drawing Disney characters and such! Im proud of that! =] Im proud that I went to the football game last Friday, voluntarily! You guys know I hate being around crowds, but I went.

I have a story about that also. I have a friend, Jacob, and hes like the sweetest guy ever so, he comes walking by with a girl that he is carrying. Turns out, she had fallen on the rocks and scraped her knees and hands really bad. (I didnt know it was his little sister!) But, I have this thing about carrying band aids... So, he got her some ice, while I got on my knees and bandaged and cleaned her up some! (I had band aids, alcohol prep things, and cleaning stuff haha weirdo!) Anyways, she calmed down a bit and was sitting there with like 10 bandaides on her! haha But, what caught my attention is that so many people walked by, and no one ever asked anything or tried to help. I was with friends and although Im a super nice person, I stood there for a minute thinking before offering the bandaid. But after that, I decided I didnt care... and I got on my knees to help her and take care of her....even though my friends stood there(almost shocked and looking like I was weird) helping her. But, I was proud that I took care of her, and tuned out everything around me.

So, yea, thats my story from the game! I was just proud of that. And glad I had my bandaides and could help! =] =] Well, this is long enough, so thanks for everything. And like I said before(I think) Im going to TRY to talk to my counselor on Monday. We'll see what happens... Im going to TRY my absolute best to just say everything to her and not think and not care. Just say it as it is.... (WAY harder to do than it sounds) I always shake, and lose my voice, and feel really sick and nervous... Im thinking about calling the doctor myself since my mom sure isnt making any effort... Anyways, thanks again and take care!
Posted 9/7/2008 12:40 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Christi,

I think it is so cool that you went to the game.  It is good for you to get out and do things.  And I also think it was awesome that you helped that girl.  That was so sweet of you.  There are so many people that just don't want to get involved or just plain don't take notice of situations like that.  They are so wrapped up with themselves that they don't care about anything else.  But you were there for her and I am sure that she really appreciated to have you help her.  Kudos to you Tennis!!!

It is good that you are talking to your counselor on Monday.  Just pretend that you are talking to one of us and maybe it will be easier.  I hope that she isn't so busy like she was last year.  Is it the same person? 

I can imagine that you would be good in art class.  That not only is a form of expression, but also a good release of emotions.  I am glad that you like it.  Maybe one day you could take a picture of some of your work and put it on the forum so that we can see it.  I bet it is really awesome. 

It sounds like you are feeling a little better, I hope so.  Things can get so overwhelming, especially during your senior year.  Just try to take things as they come.  Don't dwell on things that you have no control over.  They have a way of working things out.  Keep up the good work of getting out with your friends.  You need that release.  And you deserve to have some fun.  You work so hard at school.

I hope that you have a wonderful weekend. 

Hugs, ...Karen

Posted 9/7/2008 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks. I was glad to go and be with people, ya know, being social! But, I had a horrible night afterwards. So.. And Im glad I helped her. It made me feel good about myself and made me realize that its what I like doing. I saw her the other day, she had on shorts, and her sores looked alot better so...

Yes, it is the same counselor. I have talked to her this year a few times, but it was about my friend that I was helping, she an dI were keeping an eye on my friend so... But I ran into her yesterday because I asked to see her and she was in a meeting... we had a pep rally at school, I didnt go and she seen me on the way there and stopped me. I just told her that I was okay, I could tell that she could tell I wasnt great... She always knows when something is wrong and Im just not saying. But, she said to come in Monday and talk to her. I kind of hope Im feeling bad then. Why? Because when Im feeling bad, Im more....passionate about it. When Im feeling okay I dont express my feelings as well....so... I dont know. I just hope I can talk to her. Im not sure what to tell her though... I have no idea what to say to her... *sigh... goodness. What do I say to her?

At the end of the year I told her everything and how I felt better and stopped everything. I seen her a few times during the summer, when I was enjoying going to college, but now I have to tell her that Im not good anymore. Im just not sure how to tell her. I was good, then bad, then good, now Im bad... it never ends.
I guess thats not the point though, the point, I guess, would be to just tell her and see what she says...

I guess I will let you guys know when/if I talk to her... and we'll see what happens I guess. =/ Yep, I love art class, for the most part. It gets me away from the regular classes I have ya know. I could try to take some pictures of them... =] btw, Im not much feeling better, just more calm now I guess. I like to get out with friends...it makes me feel... normal. But, I dont enjoy going. I dont like to go places. And I get tired and wore out easily so... I have some fun I guess, but at the same time, I feel out of place, alone, and would really rather be somewhere else. I have only been doing things because my counselor told me I should and I thought maybe it would help if I were out doing nromal things, but its never normal with me....
Posted 9/7/2008 2:02 AM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel about not being normal. I always felt that way too. And I guess that is because we are all individuals. I think more of us feel that way than we realize. So maybe we are normal and don't realize it. LOL...

I am happy that you are feeling calmer about things. I hope that you are able to talk openly to your counselor. She sounds like a really nice person. I am glad that she takes an interest in you. That is good. If you are afraid that you will be feeling better and not be able to express how you feel when you are feeling bad, maybe you should write it down while you are feeling bad and you can read it to her if you are feeling good. That was a long sentence. LOL... But that might be a good idea to do. Plus you can read it to yourself when you are feeling better and go over it. Maybe when you are feeling better, you will look at things differently and jot down some helpful hints. That way when you feel bad again, if you do, you can read it and it will help you. If that makes the least bit of sense.

Hope that your weekend is going well.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/7/2008 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
Ah, actually, I feel like most of my friends are comfortable being around each other and they seem pretty normal to me. They all notice that I am anitsocial. They tell me not to be and try to push me into the circle, when I have no interest in being in it. I mean, I "want" to be, I just, well, I just feel uncomfortable and would rather be alone. Its weird I know... so hard to explain.

Im just going to try my best to explain things to her and try to remember that its real to me even when its not actually happening and Im not going through it at that exact moment. Im going to try to remember everything that I talk to myself about(yes I talk to myself), before I go to bed, or as I am "trying" to go to bed, I talk to myself out loud usually. I say everything that I would want to say if I were talking to someone about the problem. Basically, I go over things and just lay my feelings out there....I think to much... =/

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! Take care
Posted 9/7/2008 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,

I use to talk to myself too. My doctor said that was because I had too much on my mind, thinking too much. They put me on a medication called abilify to help with that. And it really does work. I focus better on what I am doing, I don't think too much anymore and I quit talking to myself. So that is something for you in the future. It is a lot of work on the brain when we think too much, so it was a relief to quit.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. That means that you are happy with yourself. that is good. But it is healthy to go out once in a while. I force myself to. I can easily do things like shopping and doing errands. It is the close conversation that is hard for me. I just don't know what to say to other people. I mean when I am among friends. So I have to work on that one too. So don't feel wierd or anything. It just means that you are comfortable alone, and that is good. Some people can't stand to be alone. And I feel bad for people like that.

I hope your weekend is going good as well.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/7/2008 6:39 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning, I am so proud of you for stopping to help a stranger and your right, people will gawk but not all people will stop as their life is so important and it is all about them.  That was a huge positive for you TeNNiS.

Just what is normal for one person is different for another.  So remember you are a stong individual.  Express youself in your paintings.  How I wish I had a talent that I could really get into.

I am sorry your night was not so good but remember we are hear to help you in any way we can.

Hugs

Kitt

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