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Can't Stop Thinking About The Past

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Posted 9/17/2008 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
For nearly 14 years, I have been married to a wonderful woman and we have a great family. Over the last 30 days, I have been overcome with thoughts regarding her two prior relationships while she was in college. These thoughts have become a 24x7 problem. It is beginning to affect our marriage and I really want it to stop. For over 13 years this has never been a problem, but now I can't make them stop. My wife has never referred to those other men or compared me in any way, and she openly refers to them as mistakes. This is an issue that has manifested itself in my mind.

She calls me her true love and I do believe her, but it doesn't stop my thoughts. I visualize her being together with these men throughout the day, or if we see a steamy scene in a movie, my mind instantly begins with these images. I thought maybe the frustration came from the aspect of my background. I was a virgin when we married so I have no other sexual relationship to use as a reference. There are times that I feel "cheated" that I wasn't her first. I wish I was one of those people who could just say, "what's the big deal...it's just sex," but I don't seem to have the mental power to make that happen. I know that these relationships were before she I started dating, so I should be able to just "get past it", but I can't. When these thoughts come, they overwhelm me. I need help in finding a way to work through it and put it in my past. I truly adore this woman and I don't want to live the next 40 years with anxiety and depression about something that happened before I was in her life. Can someone give me some direction on how to start working through this problem so I can get my marriage on track?
Posted 9/17/2008 4:22 PM (GMT 0)

I was in your wife's position when I had met my college boyfriend during my junior year.  He was a virgin and I wasn't.  Worst yet, I had 5 partners before him.  It was really hard for me to handle his insecurities because I just didn't know how to redo the past.  It wasn't my fault.  He would make me feel guilty about it.  Part of me just wished he would go sleep with another woman just to get over the issue. 

What he did was internalized it and fantasized about me having s/x with other men.  It actually turned him on. 

Each time you think obsessively about the circumstance, imagine what your life would be like without her.  Would it be better?  Would you be able to find a virgin now and would she be as good as your wife now?  Is virginity really the issue?


Post Edited (dancingrain) : 9/17/2008 10:29:37 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/17/2008 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
All I can say is that the past is in the past. Please put it behind you or else you will make your relationship toxic.

I read this somewhere.

Yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift
that is why it is called the present

You really need to put this behind you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/17/2008 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
Heej!

As Karen pointed out, try to stay in Presence. I got several things that help me with that.

1) Focus on sounds and images without attaching "labels". What I mean with this, is that you listen to a bird (for example), but only focus on the sound. Don't think about the bird, just hear the sound come forth and fall back into silence. Same with images, see the shapes, colours etc., but try not to think about what it is (like, a tree).
2) Focus on your breathing. If you focus on your breathing, there is no room in your head for thoughts.
3) This one works very good for me personally. Try to smile every time you catch yourself thinking about the past (and/or the future). See it as a game, and smile so that you don't blame yourself, but can go on without a negative feeling. Plus, smiling will make you happy, and will make everything in life easier :).

I also use point 3 for negative thoughts (though negative thoughts are 99,9% time related). With some practise, you will become better at staying present, and you will slowly stop to worry about the future, or feel bad because of the past. Smiling will create acceptance towards those things.

All the best!
Erik
Posted 9/17/2008 6:28 PM (GMT 0)

dbl_bogey 

Welcome to HealingWell.  I am Kitt.  I would say you have received excellent advice.  "Stay in the Moment"  The past is over and you can not redo it.  Tommorw will get here soon enough so live in the today.

Kick the constant thinking to the curb as it is nothing but "stinkin thinkin" and you do not need those negative thoughts in your head.

You know your wife to be a good person and you know in your heart it is you she loves.  Cherish that love and revel in it.  think aout it for a minute,  Wow, you are loved.  That is special.  You have womone to love..............

Peace to you,

Kitt

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