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Posted 9/28/2008 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
Heej everyone!

After a few great weeks I start to feel confused again. I just don't know whether my new study (medicine) is what I really want right now. With the upcoming exams I experience a similar feeling as in the last few years of high school, that need to prove myself again. I don't have stress, or thoughts I can't do it or anything, I just feel bad that I still need to show others I can do the things they want me to. Right now, I just had enough of that. I want to learn what I want to learn, show others that I can do it when I feel the time is there. The lack of freedom is caging me in again, resulting in lack of motivation, and confusing about whether I actually need to continue my study.

Because if there is one thing I learned in the last two months, it is that you should be the judge of what you are going to do, not others. At the moment, my study isn't what I want to do right now. But due to the compulsory components that my study has, I don't have that freedom. Right now, I don't feel very well, and the only reason I can think of why I should continue is because that way I can continue to live there, and I just found the perfect piano teacher for me there. But other than that I can't find reasons.

I know all this is worrying about the future, so I'll try now to get a grip on myself, and to decide what to do the next couple of days, or just do what I feel like doing.

Thanks for listening,
Erik
Posted 9/28/2008 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hiya,

New studies can feel very strange to start with and a lot of people dont feel that they are doing the right thing at the time. A lot of people though get used to it and it is not so bad. Im glad that you are sticking with it for the time being anyway, and you are spot on when you said about people making judgements... they are your judgemetns to make and nobody elses.

Darren
Posted 9/28/2008 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
Darren is right on. Sometimes we just have to get in the groove of it. And staying with this until you decide what is right for you is a good thing to do.

I know that you will work this out and be happy with the choices that YOU make. Can you finish out this semester until you can do what is right for you? Or can you switch your classes still? I hope that you find is right for you, but until you do, do not dispair, for whatever you do you are still learning and exercising the brain.

Have a wonderful day,
hugs, Karen
Posted 9/29/2008 4:22 AM (GMT 0)
How far along are you in your studies, Erik? I only took one year off between finishing my BA and starting my Master's, but as I'm in the first semester of the Master's, it has been difficult for me to get back into the routine of studying. School is tricky because I think we are always wishing that we were through with it, or on to something else, but we know we'll get through it and it will be worth it. I do however think that it's important to be in the right program that will lead to what you want to do in your career. Do you want to be a doctor or is your focus shifting to something else?
Posted 9/29/2008 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for all your reply's!

I just had a really bad day yesterday, because right now I am doing great again, even with my study :). I just started with my study, so I am in first year, but turning 18 and the trip to Rwanda made me realise there is so much more in life than study, something that only recently popped up my head. I am just not sure if this is the direction I want to go, but I guess time will give me the answer.

But now I have to go again, to do my homework for this evening (thanks to a bad day :-) ).

Take care!
Erik
Posted 9/29/2008 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
I know that there's more to studying, but sometimes studying (especially in medicine) will get you somewhere that'll help you help others. I know in the US that pre-med programs and med schools are cut-throat and very competitive, which is unfortunate since all of those students should have the same goals and be supportive of one another. But you can't control the judgments of others, so just do what makes you happy and proud. I quit the whole path of becoming a doctor (even before I couldn't physically do it due to ulcerative colitis) b/c I knew other things would make me happier. I was judged and still am b/c of that. But it's not their life and they don't know what I think or have gone through, so their judgments don't mean anything.

I'm glad today is a better day! How was the piano lesson?

Posted 9/29/2008 9:01 PM (GMT 0)

Erik,

Give it a go but also give yourself permission to change your mind if you feel this is not the right direction for you.

I know new text books look overwhelming and you doubt yourself but once you get into the studies you may find you have a passion for the studies.

WE are all here for you my dear young friend. So reach out for help whenever you need to.

Gentle Hugs,
Kitt

Posted 9/30/2008 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi CD and Kitt,

Thanks for your kind words both!

CD, I think you made a really good and brave choice by doing what you want to do. Right now, I am doing pretty good, and I think I can finish the year (although I don't think about that). You are right when you say that finishing meds can make it easier to help others. Luckily, in Holland med schools aren't competitive at all.

I've planned a meeting with the study advisor to talk about what I feel like, and maybe he/she has some great new insights.

Kitt, thank you so much for all the support, I really needed that. And I still find it hard to get support from people around here, since the ones I feel comfortable talking to aren't around any more. I am going the visit the university psychologist next month, maybe that can help me out (although I am doing pretty good at the moment :) ).

Ow, and the piano lesson is tomorrow, but the guy is an absolute genius, and he is not only giving me piano lessons, also composition, mixing, mastering, etc. Everything I want :). Now all I have to do is try to convince him that I can be a help in something, so I have more time to hang around there :).

Thanks again, and take care all!
Erik
Posted 9/30/2008 5:24 PM (GMT 0)

Erik, I agree with the others.  You should do what is right for you now.  If you have to take time off to get your thoughts and motivation that is OK.  We have to remember to do what is right for us at the time and not let others influence us too much.  If you feel right about your studies then do continue.  I think the music teacher is a big positive and maybe that will help you to decide. I wish you the best whatever you decide.  You are a strong person and I know you will do what is best for yourself. Your trip to Rwanda was a wonderful experience and showed you the possibliities available.  I am glad you are feeling better - just remember to give yourself a break if you need it.  Hopefully you can go back to your studies if you decide to take time off.  You are young - you have your whole life and the world ahead of you.  You will make the right decision for yourself when you are ready.  Take good care.

Aurora

Posted 9/30/2008 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
I too agree with the others Erik. You will know what is right for you, you will feel it inside. You are young and intelligent, so just go with the flow of things. Whatever is meant to be will work out for you. You have such a healthy insight on life and other things and I know that you will be making the right choices. Go with that passion. You will know what to do. And if you do end up taking a break, that is cool too. You just might find out that there is something else wonderful that you can do in between.

Have a wonderful day my friend,
Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/1/2008 3:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Erik. However, following my own path has been a blessing and a curse b/c now I have no idea what to do! But going to an advisor is a good idea. When I went last year, they gave me a personality test and asked me a few quesitons and tried to match me up to a good career. I'm meeting with them again tomorrow.

Your piano teacher sounds awesome! That's so great that you get learn things other than just playing piano.

Posted 10/3/2008 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks you very much for all the support I am getting here!

I lost my confusion, as I said before. The only part that remains is my huge lack of motivation, something I will talk about with the study advisor next Monday. Today I had my first real exam, and well, I didn't learn that good. But my closed book question went pretty well. The only frustrating part is that some of the open book question I am SURE of I got correct aren't according to the answers. But I feel happy now, so that ain't a problem :). I won't ever let anything screw up my good days (although this is easy talk, since it ain't that bad).

I am looking forward to go home again this afternoon, seeing my brother again. Never thought I would miss him so much :). I guess I changed a lot over the last couple of months, I even start to feel that child-like happiness again, the perfect happiness of no worries.

CD, I hope everything went ok yesterday!

Thanks again!
Erik
Posted 10/6/2008 11:11 AM (GMT 0)
Heej everyone!

Just want to tell you all that I am gonna do research on the link between pain and depression :). I am teaming up with an already existing project which gathers data, and I am going to use that data together with interviews, research and of course my experience in this field to hopefully come to a good conclusion :).

Yay, finally something really cool! :)

Edit: A small update. I just got back from my appointment with the study-advisor. Thanks to him I can now visit the study psychologists, and he even applied (to the university) for a special sort of funding. If I somehow don't make it this year due to mental inability's the university will pay back a great deal of the money I "lost" by wasting a year :) (though I will do my best to make it, I'm not gonna sit back and do nothing anymore :) ).

Right now, I am really looking forward to do my research (and the lovely dinner I am going to make in a few hours)
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