Dealing with rejection

Hello supportive friends,

Thanks in advance for letting me vent before I attempt to get some sleep. A conversation I had with my ex last night has me feeling sad and I'm thinking there might be some others out there who went through a confusing/depressing breakup who might be able to offer some words of comfort and assurance that the heart goes on.

As you may know, part of the reason I came on this board was that I was trying to get over my ex. It has been a challenge for me to do so because our history goes back since junior high and he is an awesome guy whom I can talk to about anything and everything, but our long distance situation became too much of a hurdle and I had a sense that something was missing. But he has always been a huge supporter of my career & educational endeavors and I have depended on him through our relationship and friendship in times of extreme stress and hardship.

I think because of all the excitement associated with the upcoming election and our similar views, we have started talking more recently, and I really started to think that we were both starting to consider giving it another try. But to my surprise, I finally got him to admit last night that since he doesn't want to get back into a long distance relationship and feels that I should be with someone who shares my strong faith, he's only interested in friendship. I feel stupid for thinking he was interested in more and it hurts to feel rejected by someone I care a lot about.

I think what scares me the most is that I won't find someone who I feel as close to and comfortable with as I do him. How can anyone else compete with someone I have cared about since junior high? Has anyone else found love again after ending a relationship that they thought was going to last forever? I really don't consider myself to be a needy person, and actually enjoy my independence, but I am finally just starting to realize that it is really over.

Thanks for listening,
NW

Heej NW,

I guess time is the answer. I still haven't been in a real relationship yet, but there were people I really loved, and who I was close with for a couple of months. Only they all rejected me :). At that moment, my world always collapsed, but after a while you start finding new things that interest you, new joys in life. I found my music through rejection, which is quite a paradox. Because right now music is my main interest, and one of my greater joys in life (I don't dare to say greatest), and I acquired that through the toughest rejection. The deepest fall got me on the highest top to say it metaphorically.

When I look at the times I got rejected I can only smile. I believe it was for my own benefit. Rejection played a major part in my depression, and made me feel so sick I couldn't take it any more. So rejection also brought me to my current state of happiness (I feel almost as joyful now as when I was a little kiddo running around without a single worry). So when I look back at it now, I smile because the rejections turned out to be for my benefit.

Of course, I am not you, and I don't know what I would be like now when I did had a relationship. All I know is that embracing the fact that it goes the way it goes, and thinking it happens for your benefit, will make you smile. I can also see it from the other side, the rejections are bad and ruined my life, but I will only hurt myself more by thinking that. So I try not to, and after a while it gets easier to see all the positive instead of the negative.

Love yourself NW, and the love of others will find you, I promise.
Erik

Wow. Thank you all so much for your insightful responses. All three are a tremendous help in creating a new perspective on this situation.

Confusedli - I feel like I can relate to such much of your situation with your ex fiance. It is extremely encouraging to know that you went through something so similar and that you found a new relationship that made you so much happier. Your decision must have been extremely difficult, especially with your family thinking you were making a big mistake! I can imagine that everyone gets confused in trying to determine whether it's just "cold feet" or just really not the right person. I congratulate you for being able to listen to your heart and not settling for just a comfortable relationship.

Erik - Thank you for sharing how you have also dealt with rejection. I am so glad you were able to direct your experience toward such a wonderful passion! I will remember that this situation will make me stronger and that it is important to continue loving myself in moving forward.

Karen - I feel so much better now in understanding that he didn't "reject" me but did what was best for me. I was trying to figure out why I felt so sad when I knew he wasn't saying anything mean or nasty and all I could think of was that he was telling me that I wasn't good enough. But you're right -- what he decided and said was out of love for me. I already feel so much better.

NW