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Posted 10/12/2008 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Some you of may remember the drama I have been having with my ex. He doesn't talk to me for long periods of time and then talks to me. Well we had been talking almost every day for a period of 2 months lately. Last week he told me he only wants to talk once a week. I told him that's fine. He said that if I tried talking to him before a week passed then he would block me from gmail chat and that he wouldn't be my friend. This happened last week.. we were supposed to talk today. But on Wednesday night my friends and I went to a bar. I kind of drank a little too much and then I called him a few times and texted him. He didn't answer. I didn't mean to do this I was just really tipsy. The next morning I called apologizing but he didn't pick up his phone. I called him a few more times during the day and texted him asking him when we can talk again.. but no answer. I tried a few times yesterday as well.. no answer. I noticed he blocked me form gmail chat. What do you think I should do? Do you think is is just being a jerk? Do you think he'll talk to me again? I'm so sad he did this. I regret drinking. :-( I'm so sad that I can't even communicate with him right now. He did not block me from myspace though and still has me as his myspace friend. But I'm still sad that he won't return my calls or texts so I've given up trying to contact him. Please let me know what I should do. Thanks!
Posted 10/12/2008 3:31 AM (GMT 0)

confused girl,

May I suggest you don't drink as it lowers your inhibitions and you start doing things you would not do if your were straight.  He did ask you not to call but you have apparently bombarded him with calls and texting when you were under the influence.  It is to late to be sorry and sad, but learn from this that you cannot force someone into doing what you want.  No meant No to him obviously. You can only move forward from here.  We all make mistakes.

I think at this point you should just let him be and start working on how you are going to increase you own self esteem and love yourself.

At your age I did a lot of the same kinds of things out of desperation only to find I had just pushed someone further away.  My mistake and I paid the price and learned to change my behavior.

Take care and keep taling to hun.

Kitt


Posted 10/12/2008 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
Wow. That response makes me feel worse. Maybe it is my fault. :-( But I didn't mean to do that stuff. Some of my friends drink and call me after. I don't get mad at them and block them. My other friends don't set limits either on when I can talk to them either. Plus I only go out drinking once a month. Do you think he'll ever talk to me again if I just let him be? I'm crying as I write this.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 10/11/2008 9:52:42 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/12/2008 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
Confused,
Part of getting along in this world is learning that everything we do has consequences. Your ex is maintaining his own space and getting on with his life. You need to do the same. Please consider his feelings and leave him be. Once you accept the fact that you are divorced you will free yourself to start new relationships with others. This is a growing process and like everything else in life, growing is accompanied by growing pains. It hurts to learn that everyone doesn't like us just the way we are.

You have choices here. Continue to bug your ex and want back what you can't have or move on to a higher level of maturity where you value the friends you have and enjoy their company. Either way, your real relationship with your ex is in the past so why not let it go? And until you learn to handle your impulses it would be best to avoid alcohol. If you look at where you would like to be in five years, does it include still calling your ex? If he no longer wants to be a part of your life, why would you keep contacting him?

Five years from now you could have a degree in an exciting field of work, you could work for a travel agency and fly all over the world, be a chef, work in the medical field, teach children, be a paralegal, become a nurse, become a minister, become anything you want! Find a goal that excites you and start working toward it. Give yourself the reward of achievement, not a night of drinking, and you will build yourself up to a person you like, regardless of what others think. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make it wonderful! Don't spend it regretting the past.
Posted 10/12/2008 2:09 PM (GMT 0)

confusedgirl22

I am so sorry that my post made you feel worse. That was not my intention.  As I noted at the bottom of my post I have made the same mistakes as you only probably much worse so I was just speaking from experience.

We often waste way too much of our time and energy focusing on what we don't like, what we're worried about, or what we think needs to be fixed, changed, or enhanced.

There are great things happening in your life and around you all the time.

Celebrate the good stuff around you.  Moving on is hard but I do believe in you and I think you can do this.

Take Care
Kitt

Posted 10/12/2008 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
It's ok. I am in school to be a doctor. We only go out once a month because we have tests every Monday. I don't drink all the time.
Posted 10/12/2008 2:19 PM (GMT 0)

Hey there,

I am glad you are ok and what a great profession you are working toward. I know it is a  long haul and a lot of studying but in the end how proud of yourself you will be.

Bless you
Kitt

Posted 10/12/2008 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you. I didn't contact him at all yesterday but earlier this morning I sent him 2 texts apologizing and asking him if we can talk again in a few weeks. He did not respond though. Do you think if I just don't talk to him for awhile that he will talk to me? Let me know please. This is so hard for me. I miss him so much. He's done this so many times before where we talk almost every day and then randomly he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me. It's always whenever it's convenient for him. My other friends don't do this to me. It's like a cycle. I'm just crying right now. I have an exam tomorrow and I'm trying to study but I keep thinking about him. I want to know if he'll talk to me again but he didn't answer me. I'm so scared he'll never want to talk to me again. :-( I just keep crying.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 10/12/2008 9:39:18 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/12/2008 3:42 PM (GMT 0)

Confused,

If he really cares for you he is being manipulative and controlling IMHO. He has written the rules and you are to follow them.

Let me throw out a couple of questions for you to think on.

Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself 'Am I happy in my relationship?' If you are happy, then great! If you're not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself  'Can I foresee myself ever being happy in this relationship?'

If you can see yourself being happy if some small changes are made, then it might be worth your effort to get some counseling.  I want to mention here that the small changes must come from inside you. You do not have the power to change anyone else (including this man).

You posted  "He's done this so many times before where we talk almost every day and then randomly he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me. It's like a cycle." To me this feels like a very controlling and manipulative person.  But I can only advise you from your side of this situation as I do not know him at all.

The more you keep texting him it shows him you are under his control and he will let you hang there.............don't text, don't think or try to figure him out.  Take care of you. 

Just my 2 cents worth.

Kitt

Posted 10/12/2008 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
Ok. I will try to just take care of myself. I just want him to care for me like my other friends do and not control me. But I don't know if that's ever going to happen.
Posted 10/12/2008 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Confused,

I don't think that he is showing very much respect for you. There must be a reason that he doesn't want you texting him. Either you text him too much or he has a girlfriend that he doesn't want to know about you. I really think that everybody is right, he is being manulipative. He wants to dangle you by a thread, and use you when it is convenient for him. If you are happy with that, well go for it. But I wouldn't bother with somebody like that in my life. There are many other fish in the sea as they say. Focus on your studies and I know a respectable man will come into your life. You can do this, look how far you have come in the past year. You are doing great and you probably shouldn't let this guy upset you. Just keep on working on yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/12/2008 4:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen. I know for sure he doesn't have a gf. He thinks talking more than once a week is too much. That's why he's doing this. I'm guessing that he thinks me talking to him the night I was drunk was "not respecting his boundaries". He said that to me so many times before. I was only contacting him once a week like he wanted but I just got drunk that day. And I apologized soo many times. He didn't respond. I always have to do what he wants. I'm going to try to just not contact him until if ever he shows me that he cares about me and doesn't use me whenever it's convenient for him. Thanks.
Posted 10/12/2008 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Well I just got a panic attack and couldn't stop crying. I miss him so much. I called him once and sent him four text within the past hr apologizing again for the drunk messages and telling him that I have a test tomorrow and would really like to know if he'll talk to me again like in a few weeks. He did not respond. I know I sound desperate. But I'm just not strong enough. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about this :-(. I need to study but all I think about is him and wondering if he'll ever talk to me again. I feel like asking him again but I know that would just make things worse and he'll get more annoyed and won't respond :-( So I'll just let him be. But I keep crying. I don't know what to do.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 10/12/2008 3:55:08 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/12/2008 10:34 PM (GMT 0)

Hey there,

I know how you feel, like your whole life is messed up.  I promise you this is not the guy that runs your life, you are the only one that can do that.  Shed the tears and then wash your face in cold water and go study. the more you call and text the more he sits there and gloats that he is in control.

If this is truly the way he is, I would kick him to the curb and jump back into life. Find someone who treats you with respect. Texting and calling is a waste of time. 

I know this message has been repeated over and over so please know we care but the final call is yours. 

Take care,

Kitt 

Posted 10/13/2008 11:53 AM (GMT 0)
Heej CG,

I hope you are feeling at bit better today. You already got some wonderful advice from others. What I am about to say is a personal opinion, just to give my point of view (since that is all I can do right now).

I know this must be really hard to go through for you, but I think it is time for you to let go. With letting go, I mean letting go of the emotional attachment to him, of course I am not saying you shouldn't contact him anymore. But it is quite clear that your emotional well being is connected to him. Since life constantly changes, I found out that attachment will almost always result in some form of pain and loss. Of course, it is easy to misinterpret this. What I don't mean to say is that you should care. There is a fundamental difference between caring for and attaching to. I can explain this if you want to.
Maybe you could also try to look at things from a different perspective. He is clear with saying he only wants to talk to you once a week. Just embrace that fact, without thinking of the reasons behind him saying this, because you don't know them. Speculating can make things so much worse.

Two guys were sitting in a restaurant, ordering a meal. However, the service was very slow, and of of the two was becoming increasingly irritated by this. He thought they did it all on purpose, just to annoy him. His mood changed from positive to negative, and when he finally got his food, it was all disgusting, cold, etc. The lights were too bright, the seats uncomfortable. When dinner was over, the two men got a free desert from the restaurant, because of the slow service. The men were told that the cook's brother died just hours ago during a car crash.

What I want to illustrate with this is that sometimes you can't be sure of the underlying motives why something is happening. In this example, the man who thought service was slow just to annoy him took everything personally, and thus wasted his dinner. Maybe your ex-friend has other reasons why he resist talking to you, in this case you can't be sure. Ow, and please stop worrying about things :-). I am also a medicine student, with a bit of a motivation problem. Last month I constantly worried about the fact that I needed to study. It made me feel so much worse. Right now I try to look at it from a more objective perspective. For instance, when I feel like I need to study, there is a simple solution for that. Study. And sometimes when I have that feeling that I need to study there are other reasons why not, thus I shouldn't worry about it.

I know everything I just wrote could sound impossible, easy, harmful, etc. Please note that I only wrote it down for the simple reason that it works so good for me, and sharing it is all I can do to help you. So I hope it helps :-).

All the best CG!
Erik
Posted 10/13/2008 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for the advice. I texted him last night telling him I'm sick of begging for him to talk to me and that when he's ready to talk and treat me with respect like all my other friends do then to contact me. Do you think he will contact me and respect me one day if I just let him be?
Posted 10/13/2008 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
Heej CG,

I honestly think he will. One day, it could be tomorrow, or in 10 years, he will remember you and the message you send him. When he feels cool again, I am sure that he will contact you. But for you, maybe you could try to let it rest. When you are waiting for something to happen it seems like it never actually does happen. On the other hand, if you embrace the fact that the initiative is now on his side, you can stay calm and focus on different things. Time will fly, and when you least expect it, he will contact you.
On the other hand, the initiative is now on his side, so even when he doesn't contact you, there is nothing for you to worry about. You made clear that you still want to talk, and if he wants to talk as well, he knows what to do. You did everything you could.

So please no more worries about this CG, the initiative is now with him for the next year at least (after that, you might wanna remember him, but for now you've done enough). Let's put a smile upon your face :-).

All the best!
Erik
Posted 10/13/2008 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
My dear Confused,

Don't forget why you are in school. That should be top priority right now. You have worked so hard to get this far. Don't let it all go down the tubes over a guy. I know that you said the other night that you couldn't concentrate on your school work. I think that if you put all your energy into studying, you will get a lot more respect from many people. Keep up the good work and continue towards your goals. I know that you can do this, the rest will fall into place for you. I promise that.

Best wishes for a wonderful day

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/14/2008 8:27 AM (GMT 0)
you really need to just let him go.I dont now if he is trying to control you or if you have a problem trying to keep him around when he dosnt want you. Witch ever one it is its not health.I think it would help you to get some counsaling.You need to move forword with your life and texting and calling him to ask him to forgive you over and over is not moving forward.I hope this note dosn`t make you upset but I just think it would be best for you to leave him in you past for now.You have a lot of work on your plate if you want to be a DR. and the only way you will make it is if you move forward.Since he is your ex. then he is in your past.Good luck.
Posted 11/19/2008 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
I appreciate all your responses. It has been almost 6 weeks since we've talked. He hasn't returned my calls. During these 6 weeks I try calling him like once or twice a week but there's no response. Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I asked my friend to ask him if he ever wants to talk to me again. He basically said that I was "harassing him". Which I wasn't. I don't think calling someone 1 or 2 times per week is harassing. He never told me he didn't want to talk. He just said he wanted some space 6 weeks ago. He never said how much space. He told my friend that he doesn't want to be friends with me right now because it's too much for him to deal with since he needs to graduate and that he'll consider being my friend when "I'm in a better mental state." :-( He told my friend that I am a sweet young lady but he thinks being friends right now is unhealthy because whenever we do become friends we always either end up sleeping together or talk about sleeping together. Then he said that the reason I have a low self esteem is because of my parents. He said that once I'm happier with myself and in a better mental state and have moved on he'll consider being my friend. After my friend told me what he said I couldn't stop crying. I AM in a healthy mental state and I have moved on from him. All I want is his friendship. I'm so sad. I have finals coming up and if I fail them, I'm out of the Doctor of Optometry program. I don't know what to do. I want to study but I keep thinking about him. I'm so sad right now. He's done this so many times before of talking to me and then not talking to me for periods of time, and setting limits on when we can talk. I'm so sad right now. I hope I can pass my finals but right now I'm just not motivated. Please help! :-(
Posted 11/19/2008 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Confused,

It sounds like you need to study, put him out of your mind for the time being. Everything he told you, or your friend, makes perfect sense. And I would follow what he said, he is doing this for you as well as for himself. Take school seriously. Get better and then he will probably be there for you. Or you can be there for eachother.

Who brings up the sex talk when you converse? You or him? It really sounds like he wants to take his schooling seriously and that he wants you to do the same. Maybe he has plans for you in the future to be together??? It sure sounds like it.

Listen to what he said, and try to pass your exams. You have plenty of time to be together. After you think of your career. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulder and is thinking of you for the future.

I hope that this helps.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/19/2008 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen.

He doesn't want to be with me in the future. He said he will consider being my friend if he sees that I'm happy and have moved on. He told my friend he wants me to find someone who loves me. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He thinks I'm harassing him. He deleted me from his myspace friends yesterday. This morning I requested him as a friend on myspace and all I said was this is a friend request if you ever want to be friends again one day. I said that I wouldn't bother him again and that I understand he needs to do well in school. I hope one day he will want to be friends again. I miss him.
Posted 11/19/2008 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
I really am sure that he will want to be friends again. I guess you have to accept what he is requesting from you and move on. But please think about your education. It is so important for you right now. Do yourself a favor and study for your exams.

I hope that you find somebody who is right for you. But I hope that you put your mind into school first.

luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 11/20/2008 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
CG, your running in circles here it is clear what you have to do, you need to move on, I know its hard as your so attached to him but it is the right thing to do , he told your friend your not the one for him, I mean he doesn't see you in his future more than a friend so you have to adjust to that fact. and Focusing on your studies and your life without him is the key thing to do.

you have to draw a line somewhere, remember what he said about his boundaries you must draw a line, stop texting, e-mailing or calling just forget about him for a while.

Your strugeling because of your emotions, it's clear you still have emotional feelings towards him, the more you keep running through circles the more painfull it will be. the way things are you should just forget him and let yourself heal over time, if you do that you will be better on the long run, maybe he might contact you after a year and you would not care anymore and not answer his calls because you have moved on by then.

moving on is the right thing to do, remember as others said there is plenty of fish in the sea. if he really cared for you he would not have avoided to return your calls.. he is just being diplomatic and says maybe we can be friends in the future but what he is really saying is that your future is not with him but he doesn't want to crush your heart and kill your hopes as he knows your hurting a lot.
Posted 11/20/2008 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
i don't know. my friend said he sounded serious when he said he wants to be friends sometime in the future. :-/
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