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Posted 10/16/2008 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
Heej,

Though I think I am getting out of the depression, I still have some relapses (like now). I already now things will be better tomorrow (or this weekend for sure), but that ain't helping me much at the moment.
Although I am getting better at staying in the moment, appreciating the good stuff in life etc., right now I feel like my emotions took control. I can't get rid of that extremely empty feeling in my chest, my throat, my lungs. I don't mind that it is there though.

What is bugging me now is that I am worrying about the future. I feel sad at the thought of spending my entire life on my own. Though I know that I can share my thoughts and feelings with everyone, right now that thought ain't helping. I know I am not ready now, which ain't a problem, but I am just so afraid I will never be ready. Right now, I just locked myself up in my room (I told my friend I was going to get some sleep because I didn't feel well) and am crying. It is quite a while ago that I felt so hopeless...

I will write down now what happened, I hope that will make me feel a bit better. This morning, I got my hair cut. Most of the times I don't like my new short hair, today was no different. That alone ain't the problem, though it will make me worry more about the thoughts of others, it cuts my self-esteem (which isn't high to begin with). But the depression part was the girl that cut my hair. She didn't do anything wrong, but she was so innocent, fragile. I don't know what it was, but it felt like she didn't belong on this earth. Maybe she didn't, because it seemed that she lived in her own little world. I really don't know what happened, but as I closed the door the thought that never there would be someone that would care for me, and that I would care for so much, struck me. Even now when I am breaking up, I still know there are people who care, and that the things I want to share with someone aren't things that person needs to be my girlfriend for, I can even think of several persons who I could go to. Well, not really, right now I am stuck here.

I just don't know how to write down what I am feeling right now... I have no self esteem left, and feel like I have no place to go to. I just want to be alone for the rest of my life, because I won't be hurt again with these feelings. Yet I also want to be around with friends, just not strangers. On days like this, I get overwhelmed by the apparent hostility of mankind. While I just read, and truly believe in, that every human is on a quest to find his or her own happiness, I can't seem to see the positive side. I feel anxious as hell, I don't know why anyone would like me for who I am. I know there are people that do, but I just can't see the reason. Right now, while I don't have enemies and can get along with almost everyone, there are only three people that would start a conversation without me taking the initiative (including my brother and room mate). I don't have friends that will call me during daytime to ask me if I want to do something. There is simply nothing that you can do with me. I feel like I am only useful when there is something to be done, either for school, or a project outside school, like when want to get a team together to do sports.

I think I just have to quit writing now, it is leading to nowhere, I am just confused and empty. Maybe it is a good idea to get some sleep.
Posted 10/16/2008 4:06 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Erik,

I am right here for you and I do understand how your feeling.  I have had to battle my low self esteem for years and it has caused me anxiety and depression............that feeling of " Will I ever be good enough"

Self-esteem can be hard to define. More than just feeling good about yourself, taking pride in your accomplishments or liking what you see in the mirror, self-esteem is concerned with the way we judge our own worth.

We tend to look at the equation backwards. We think that how we look dictates our level of self-esteem when in fact it is our self-esteem - our ability to see ourselves as having value – that dictates how we react to the face in the mirror.

Low self-esteem does not necessarily lead to depression but studies have shown that the two often go hand in hand. In fact the World Health Organization (WHO) uses low self-worth in its description of depression. Low self-esteem makes you your own worst enemy. Thoughts of "if only I were a stronger person, if only I was funny or popular, if only I was strong enough to fix this" crowd out everything else. Even if we receive praise, the voices inside our own heads discount it. Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman "the bad stuff is easier to believe."

Keep talking to us and ramable away................we are hear for you to share the good and the not so good.

Take care my friend.

Kitt

Posted 10/16/2008 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

It is so strange how we view ourselves differently than we actually are. I know when my self esteem is low, I feel ugly, worthless and stupid. Which I know that I am not, but it just takes over with our emotions and self identity.

The hard thing right now, is that I am seeing one of our most intellectual members not feeling well. That is scarey, but it just goes to show that we are all only human. Not trying to put the world on your shoulders, but you are one of our most upbeat members. You always seem to have the answers to everything. You always give good advice and you are always so compassionate. But like I say we are all human. And we all have bad days. So don't beat yourself up over this, you will shake it off soon.

Erik, I know how hard that you are trying to stay in the moment right now. I think that you need something to ground you. Please take comfort in knowing that we are all here for you and want to support you right now. Maybe try a little meditation before you go to bed, hopefully you will wake up with a new outlook on life.

I will be thinking of you, and am keeping you in my prayers. I wish for you the most wonderful sunny day tomorrow and that you feel better about yourself. I know that this is quite temporary. You will feel better soon and back to your normal self. Just have patience and don't give up. We are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/16/2008 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt,

Yes, the bad stuff is easier to believe, especially when you feel down. Just like right now, I can't believe the good stuff. I can think of it, but it triggers no response. The bad stuff however makes me crash down instantly.
Although some things I can't think of at all, like my accomplishments. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. If you look from an outside view towards my life, I have accomplished a lot of things, but with none of them I felt I used my full potential. I never worked my ass of for something. I just can't seem to do that, and when the rest is feeling like I do work my ass of, it is easy to stop. Yes, I am my own worst enemy. Things happened to me that would cause panic reactions, or at least uncomfortable feelings, to most others (like getting lost in the middle of Norway, with no sign of humanity around). I just absolutely love it, it makes me feel alive, takes my mind out of think mode. As soon as I start to think, and become "unconscious", problems are starting to occur. Surprises or the need for complete focus instantly makes me aware.

And Kitt, you are so right when you say we see the equation backwards. But sometimes it is so hard to be aware enough to notice. I am trying to gradually reprogram my mind, to see the right equation, I guess I need more time.

Pff, I really need to stop worrying. I worry about why I feel like I need someone to care, why there is, but there isn't. I even worry about when finally someone will be there, and I am able not to "screw things up" (in other words, not to say and behave the way I do now, and distance myself from that person), if it won't become "normal" after a while, like when you are having a new TV.
My mind is racing now, right now I am thinking about animals. As I already noticed, they also have the qualities I feel like I need right now. Animals will like you for what you do. Maybe this is the same with human, but I am not sure about that. At least some of mankind will take your appearance in consideration, or other factors. Maybe that is why I always like animals. I noticed they often came to me, even the ones that avoided most humans. I never had animals myself, because I don't like the cages (dogs and cat's are OK, but I don't think I have the time now to give them all I want to give). I hope one day I will be able to let things go the way an animal does. Not to worry. I think they are the true Zen masters.

I hope one day I can look back at all this and see the positive side of it.
Posted 10/16/2008 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
Erik, I don't really have any advice because I came onto HW today to pretty much write what you wrote; I feel the same exact way.

I hope we both start feeling better soon.

Posted 10/16/2008 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
And also thank you Karen,

It actually took an hour to write the reply after reading Kitt's reaction. My mind is on a rampage right now, and I am still struggling to see the positive side of things. Like when you say I always have answer. My first response is that I have answer because I only reply to those threads which I have answers for.

Anyway, I don't mind me feeling this way. I am aware enough to know that once I start blaming myself for feeling this way, it will only makes things worse. The emptiness will get filled up with anger and hatred, which I think are even worse than sadness (with sadness at least you don't want to hurt others). I gave in to hatred enough times to know that it will get so bad I actually want to hurt others, and have to try really hard not to do so.

Karen, I think I should trust you when you say to just have patience. I really believe the power that will reveal itself once you will truly believe that every moment there is, is for your benefit. When I look back at life, I can see that it is true. It made me the way I am, and I am honest when I say I wouldn't want to be someone else. But right now it is hard to see the benefit of this moment. And I apparently don't trust that sentence enough to fully embrace this moment.

Thanks again for all the support, at the moment I am so glad I found this place.
Posted 10/16/2008 6:08 PM (GMT 0)
Heej CD,

Pff, I am really slow at the moment, so I only noticed your reply after I posted the other one. I am sorry you also feel crap, I hope the day will come that no one has to feel this way. And please, if you have anything to say about how you feel, feel free to write it here. After having a hard time writing my thoughts down, I feel some calmness actually coming back again. Although I have to admit that while writing that I start to think about the other stuff again, and I feel tears welling up immediately.

Luckily, I am starting to see some positive things now. Like with my alien hairdresser. The real reason why I felt so bad about that is because I was worried that her innocence would be abused. I didn't felt bad for personal reasons, so I guess my emotional response was pure, and not self-centered. While writing and thinking about this specific thought, I actually can feel a bit of my confusion fade away. I am happy for the fact that I wasn't going for self-enrichment.

On the other hand, maybe I feel better now because you aren't :S. I honestly feel better when I am in the position to help others. Maybe I have a certain amount of "care" that I need to release. I actually am pretty certain of that, it is just that the possibility of being able to release all that "care" will make so much happier (that's what my mind believes), and thus the stakes are high. As a result, I become afraid of the loss, and hold back. In Holland we have a proverb that goes a bit like this "Never shot is never a hit". That is exactly what happens with me. I fear the loss so much I hold back, and have no option but to lose. In fact, the only time I have the courage to speak out is when the fear of losing is even worse than the loss itself, in which case it is already to late.

CD, I hope that you will soon find a door that will reveal the positive aspects, as I am sure they exist.

Take care!
Erik
Posted 10/17/2008 12:44 AM (GMT 0)

Erik, I have read your posts and I understand that you are feeling down right now.  That happens to all of us.  As you say acceptance is the key and right now you probably have to accept the way you are feeling.  You have so many things going for you.  You are young and when the time is right someone will come along for you when you least expect it.  The Erik I know who answers my posts is a very knowledgable and intelligent person.  I know that is who you are. And look at the wonderful experiences you have had.  Try to ride out this period and stay in the moment as Karen says.  Keep busy and go outside and get some fresh air and listen to the birds.  I have always known you to be such a positive person.  And i'll bet you are very attractive.  I know right now it seems like you are just trying to put on a good face but I think you can work this out and get back to feeling good again. Between grief and nothing i'll take grief.  Just a way of saying that you have to experience so many different things in life.  Otherwise you don't feel anything.  Keep posting and let us help you through this time.  You are very important to all of us.  Try to take good care of yourself. My thought on the hair stylist, she was probably in her own world thinking about whatever she might have to do.  I know you want to solve others problems but right now is the time just for you.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Posted 10/17/2008 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
I know what you mean about feeling better when you help others. When I was in a really deep depression in high school, volunteering really made me feel better. Unfortunately, volunteering costs gas money and I don't have a job, so it's not something I can do now.

I just end up being worried about everything--What will I do with my life? How will UC dictate my life? Will I be alone forever? The latter is my biggest worry. I've been so lonely for so long and I can't live like that forever. And b/c I'm so weird and quirky and not "normal", I feel like I'll never find someone.

I've been writing down what I'm thankful for, my feelings, and old memories, but sometimes it just doesn't help. Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better Erik.

Posted 10/17/2008 10:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

I could relate to a lot of what you said in you post, I think like me you sometimes over think things, and get carried away with racing thoughts. You actually gave me some really good advice just the other week on how to stop my thoughts racing so much!!!

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=1255595

I agree with Aurora when she says acceptance is key. Sometimes we will be confused, thats the nature of life I guess, if your anything like me you will try to always think in an organised black and white way, when sometimes that just isn't possible, and at those times, we have to just accept the grays.
Posted 10/17/2008 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
Heej everyone!

Thank you all so much for all the kind reply's! I really needed that. When I woke up this morning the bad feeling was still present, but when I read your reactions I cheered up a bit.
What I think is really funny is that I said there were only 3 people that would start a conversation with me. Well, today other people started talking to me as well, including one who I haven't spoken with for years :-). Funny how things always seem to work out like that.

I guess I just have to focus on other things. Things will happen once I am ready for it, and as long as I will be a seeker I can never be a finder. And I think you are right Aurora, I tend to put others before me. Which I don't consider a bad thing, but it goes so far that when I suspect a problem I will feel bad, and want to fix it, even when there is no proof whatsoever that something is wrong. They will come looking for me if there really is a problem, I think.

CD, I hope you are feeling better today. If helping others make you feel better, you should feel a little better now, because you helped me :-). I don't think it will sound very truthful when I say it, but nonetheless, I do believe that inside beauty like you have is so much better than outside beauty. Because outside beauty will fade away and leave you with none, while inside beauty will always remain.

And Li, you are so absolutely right about the black and white. I never thought about that, but know I realize that I do tend to see everything in either black or white, nothing in between. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

I feel like reborn again :-)!

Take care!
Erik
Posted 10/17/2008 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

I am so happy that you are feeling better today. And yes it is funny how things work out. That is the mystery of it all.

I hope that everything continues to go well for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/17/2008 8:22 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Erik, I too am glad you are feeling better today.  Sometimes you just have to take things one step at a time.  This world is a strange but wonderful place and we have to keep in mind that what we do with those qualities given us is what will keep us strong and help us to go on.  You are a very good person and I know you have a lot of inner strength.  Just take care of you and as you can see already you are getting better.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Posted 10/17/2008 9:16 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Erik,

Someone has said so much better then I could:

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities
no doubt have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with
your old nonsense.

This day is all that is
good and fair.
It is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on yesterdays. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted 10/19/2008 4:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

I just wanted to say that I hope you know how much you matter and what a gift you are to the world. Your positive, hopeful and thoughtful messages to everyone here, especially me, resonate through my mind throughout the day, especially in times of self doubt and sadness. You seriously have helped me more than some of my closest friends have helped me, and for that I hope you know how wonderful you are! Keep your head up. The pain is only temporary and you will feel better. Remember that we choose our state of being, and you can choose to be happy :-)

NW
Posted 10/19/2008 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much for putting the smile back upon my face smilewinkgrin !

That poem of you Kitt has so much truth in it. The world is simply to beautiful to ignore it by thinking of the bad stuff only. I will print it out and put it on the ceiling above my bed, so that every morning when I wake up, I will be reminded of it. Actually, I think I am gonna do that with more quotes and stuff, just stick em everywhere in the house :-).
And NW, thanks for the kind words, I will remind them whenever I am need of such words. Yes, in the end we choose are state of being...

One last thing though, yesterday we had a meeting with the group with whom I got to Rwanda with. It was awesome to see them all again (I haven't seen some of them in one month!). Anyway, we had to write down what the trip did to us. As some of you might remember, I already did something similar, and this time I couldn't come up with anything new. Until I looked outside, where the last rays of sunlight lit a bench under a still green tree. I sat down there, in silence, and was able to get to the core of the change. I wrote down that I made new friends, since friends are those who will make you aware of the joy we all have inside. Everyone in the group of Dutchies and African's are real friends, every single one. But perhaps the most important friend I have made during that trip is myself. I finally became aware of my own inner joy. And this is true, I know it, since when I wrote the starting post of this thread I was still calm deep inside. The layers above where totally desperate, but inside I still had that calm of knowing things would actually work out. Now it is my new quest to bring that calm to increasingly higher layers of awareness, until I am totally embraced with joy :-).

Thanks again for all the support, and for being my friend!
Erik
Posted 10/19/2008 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

It sounds like you are doing better and coming to a new point in your life. I am glad that you found the joy that you were looking for. Sometimes life takes weird turns when we discover something new about ourselves. I am so happy for you.

Have a great day,

Hugs, Karen
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