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Posted 10/18/2008 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

My depression is getting the best of me. I'm on anti-depressant & anti-anxiett meds and have been in/out of therapy for the past 20 years. Right now I'm not in therapy only b/c I can't afford it. I'm to the point of feeling desperate & am having frequent thoughts of 'ending my life', or 'wishing I were dead'. This is NOT normal for me. The cause of my severe depression is b/c of so much loss, grief and I feel trapped & hopeless. Four+ years ago I had to stop working b/c of severe chronic pain. During that time I lost my nursing career, lost my home b/c of being unable to pay the tons of medical bills that I aquired in going from dr. to dr., having all sorts of tests (including MRI's, Pain Mgmt drs & specialists, epidurals, trigger point inj., facet neurotomy's, etc...etc...). I lost friends & my boyfriend got tired of me not being able to be active like I'd always been. I had to claim bankruptcy & move back home w/ my mom & sdad :-( I've been living in a very dysfunctional home environment for 4+ years now. There are past abuses, mostly from my sdad. He still scares me and we don't get along. My mom gets upset w/ me if I say anything re: how I feel abt things, and I've fallen into a caretaker role w/ them. It doesn't matter that I have severe pain 24/7, am in tears b/c of the pain & gasp for air b/c the pain is so bad every day. It's like I'm invisable. I can't get assistance b/c the DPA counts my parents income against me. I'm on the list for low income housing, but there's a waiting list years long. Also, my sdad flips out on me when he hears me talk of moving. I think he feels that he owns me. I need help so bad! I don't know how to go on living like this.
Thx SO much for being here! I'd be lost w/out all of you!
Willow
Posted 10/18/2008 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Willow,

Have you looked around for anything else as far as a place to live goes. I really believe that once you get out on your own and you can get help with your doctor's bills, you will be doing alot better. Just try to be patient, I am sure that something will come along. I think that it is terrible that they have to count your parents income, it isn't like it benefits you in any way.

I was just going to ask you if maybe you have fibromyalgia and I saw it in your signature. I also have it and I know the pain that you are talking about. It can get so frustrating at times. And stess only makes it worse. So do your best to stay relaxed, maybe you could read or something to kind of take you away from your situation. Do you ever get a chance to get out for a walk? I try to walk every day and it really seems to help. If you decide to, take it slow and build your strength up gradually. Over doing it is hard on us too.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Karen
Posted 10/20/2008 12:51 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Willow,  I read your post and am sorry for all you are having to go through right now.  From what I read am I correct in thinking that the state or city government is taking your parents income into consideration for you?  That is not right.  If you are an adult you should be able to apply for aid on your own without having to give any of your parents information.  I would check further if I were you.  Also, as far as  medical bills go, if you don't have the money you can apply to the hospital to get your bills reduced to the minimum if you have no income.  At least where I live they put you on a payment plan that is manageable and if you can't afford it they reduce your payments.  Have you applied for medicaid and Social Security disability?  Also, have you looked into what grants your state might have to get you into your own place and continue to pay for it?I am only going by what happens in my state.  If you have a disability here you are entitled to apply for grants for living expenses if you make under a certain amount of money.  Are there any group homes where you apply to live?  I am only tossing  out some ideas to see if they can help you.  Your father has no right to treat you the way he does and your mother should stick up for you.  How about going to a shelter for help?  Or possibly legal aid to see what they can do for you.  I know there are agencies out there in your state who will help you.  It just takes finding the right place.  I hope I haven't overwhelmed you - I just want to help as much as I can.  You deserve to live a happy life and be on your own.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are. Know that there are many people here who care about you and want to see you well. Take care.

Gentle hugs.

Aurora

Posted 10/20/2008 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your responses. It means the world to know that there are people out there who care. I am on SSDI (disability) and have Medicare, but Medicare alone doesn't cover much. I have only one doctor (a general practioner) who see's me and prescribes all of my meds. When I had no insurance, I had to pay a fee of $42 an office visit. Now that I have Medicare, he charges me $87.50 for each visit. Medicare paid btween 78 cents up to $5 each time. The dr. wont see me until I pay the $87. I was better off w/out Medicare!!!

I've been interacting with the Dept. of Public Assistance since 2004. It's VERY hard to get help in my area b/c there is such a huge population of minorities & they get the help MUCH easier and more frequently. The DPA application requires, by law, that you must list all persons who live in the same house with you. I've brough documentation from my mom stating that "I pay them $300 month & that they in no way help me financially or in any other way." I s/w an attorney who told me that the "DPA is correct & I could not get past those rules." Also, I was in councelling that the County paid for. The day I got Medicare the County Assistance stopped and the Councelling center dropped me as well.

I do love to read and have lots of other hobbies/interests. I used to do counted-cross stitch & other types of needlepoint, but my mom & sdad keep the house very dark, making it too hard for me to see. I asked if I could put a light on in the livingroom one time, so I could see to do some cross stitch...WRONG MOVE! Having that light on made my sdad upset b/c he could see the reflection in the TV...My mom was upset b/c my sdad was uncomfortable...etc! I could try to work in my room, but it's hard to do much laying/sitting on my bed.

I have to run for now. Thx SO much again!!!
Willow
Posted 10/20/2008 8:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Willow,

This is Kitt, and I am not in a good place to give you advice right now.  I do know you need help and you have come to the right place to find members that know what your going through and where your coming from.

I am going to be back home on Tuesday night so I will try to give you some sound adivice then.  Meantime, stay in the moment, don't let anything knock you down. There is an answer and we will try to help you find it.

Bless you

Kitt

Posted 10/21/2008 12:16 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Willow,  I am so sorry that you are unable to get more help than you have.  I was hoping some of my suggestions would help.  What about a women's shelter?  Is there one where you live and could you go there?  It might be better than sitting in the dark with your parents.  I think your parents are not being fair to you.  I wish there was something I could do to help you but the truth is I feel helpless.  However, there is one thing I can do and God willing maybe you will get some help.  I am going to put you at the top of my prayer list.  I strongly believe in the power of prayer and keeping a strong faith.  When times are tough know that God carries us at those times.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I do so hope for something to come along for you.  Please try to take as good care as possible of yourself.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Posted 10/21/2008 12:38 AM (GMT 0)

Willlow, it's me again.  You say the DPA requires you to list all the people in your house.  Well, aren't you staying in your parents house?  I would think they would take that into consideration. They are not living with you, you are living with them.  Don't they own the house?  What have your parents done to help you?  It may sound unkind if you leave them but they won't even let you have a light on.  I don't know your whole situation but your parents don't sound like they are doing you any good. And if you have suffered abuse you have every right to leave without explaining. I may be wrong and apologise if I have overstepped the bounds. Also, you say you are on medicare.Are you 65?  Medicare if for people 65 and up.   But what about going on MEDICAID.  Wouldn't that help you more?  Is your disabiity enough to get you a room somewhere else so you can apply for more support?  If you could somehow get on your own you might be able to get more support.  Just a few ideas that popped into my head after I finished my other post.  I'll keep thinking of something and hoping for help. Again don't mean to be overzealous and unkind just trying to think of how to help. You are a decent and worthwile person who deserves to live peacefully.

Many hugs & prayers,

Aurora

Posted 10/21/2008 2:34 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks again for being here for me. I truely appreciate it!
Kitt, thank you for replying to my post when you yourself are in such a bad place. I'll be praying for you.

Aurora, thank you for trying so hard to help me. I look foreward to logging onto HW...not only for myself, but I hope to be of some support to others as well. I do have Medicare but am only 47. In the State of PA (and all others that I'm aware of), when one is approved for Social Security Disability Income (SSDI), that person automatically gets Medicare (not immediately, but within the same year of approval). Medicare takes $93 out of my SSDI disability check each month. That's $1116.00 a year! Re: a shelter, I don't know of any nearby, and I fear ending up in a place like that b/c the crime w/ drugs being so bad & me being on so many narc meds...Also, and even more importantly to me, is that I have a nine month old puppy who I got by default, that I love with all of my heart & I can't leave him behind. Bailey (me puppy) is really the Only joy in my life. I don't know what to do, but I have a strong faith. Thank you SO much for the prayer's!

God Bless,
Willow
Posted 10/21/2008 11:47 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Willow,  I understand your situation better now and see why you need to stay where you are. I just want you to be safe.  I think it is wonderful that you have a puppy.  Having something to love can get you through some hard times. I hope that your situation will improve, in the meantime please take very good care of yourself.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Gentle hugs & prayers,

Aurora

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