Help please, It's getting desperate

Hello everyone, I haven't posted for a while I'm still running through problems in my life and I can't find a working solution. Please give me advice or any ideas that might help.

In the past few weeks I have problems getting out of bed so much that I stay in bed till about 6 or 7 PM. I usually wakeup then fall-asleep again before I get myself out of bed until 6 or 7 PM. I sleep between 8 to 15 hours per day... plus I have no desire to go to work at all, when I Do wake-up I feel depressed... but thank god I am lucky and I have an understanding company who know that I have depression problems and are waiting for me to get better, but they can't wait for ever... they keep calling me and asking me to come to the office so I turned off my mobile the other day, I feel bad about this and I don't know what to do.. I'm even crying now as I type these words...

I have seen many doctors for treatment, I even managed to see the best doctor in my region who was in another country(egypt) just to understand how can I get better but so far I have lost all hope with doctors they all seem to say the same things which I can't do like go to the Gym a few times a week, wake-up early goto work etc.. It's so hard they all don't understand me...

I'm currently taking Lustral, Zyprexa, Tegratol everyday as the last perscribed to me by that doctor in egypt.

To give you some background here is some of my history:

* from the year I bas born to 2002 I think I lived normal life, a good job and I considered myself to be normal

* in 2002-2003 I spent a whole year in Riyadh(Saudi Arabia) where I was away from my friends, relatives and hobbies ( sports ), I had to move because of work and my life changed up-side down I indulged into online games and it became a serious addiction. after that year passed I returned home and continued my addiction but. another year passed and my addiction became so bad I had to stop working and I became a full-time addict...

* from 2003 to 2005 I moved in with my parents because I could not support myself anymore and I continued the addiction to games, until they put me in the hospital for 1 month to get rid of this addiction.

* in 2005 I spent 5 months without the addiction, and managed to find a job and I was thinking of even getting married, things were looking good but I went back to the addiction again.

* from 2005 to 2008 I continued to fight with my addiction and tried to keep a job, I could not keep a job for more than a year, and I kept coming back to my addiction until my parents were fed-up with me and sent me to a hospital again to Egypt for 4 months, to get rid of this addiction and help start my life again.

* As of today I am addiction-free for 5 months. I worked for 2 months and 2 weeks but for 2 weeks I haven't been able to go to work because I can't get my self out of bed.

I tried some self-help books like the key ( joe vitake) but It doesn't seem to be working.. any ideas or help is appretiated thanks...

Hi Akram,

I suffer from depression because my daughter is facing a lifelong chronic illness.  I will tell you a couple of things that I've been doing to help myself.  Some days are extremely hard, and I know this might sound a little too simple, but it's working for me.  My doctor pointed out that I need to start doing some of the things that I enjoyed before the depression hit.  One of the things that I enjoy that I stopped doing was exercise.  I also stopped reading and most of the other things that I got enjoyment from.  I wanted so badly to get off of the medication, so in talking with my doctor, one thing I had to agree on was get into a good sleep pattern, exercise, and do good things for myself...to create a healthier me because I cannot be there for her when she needs me if I'm running on empty.  Sometimes I have to force myself to exercise, but I swear, that is what's turning this around for me. 

I go for a jog 3 days a week and try to hit the gym a couple of times too.  I tell myself when I first start, that if I don't feel better in 10 minutes, I'll quit, but the fresh air always makes me feel better and really lifts my spirits.  Sometimes if I don't feel like a jog, I walk.  I also use this time to talk with my creator.  I use the time alone to ask for help, or praise Him for the good things in my life, no matter how small.

I don't like taking medications, but do have a hard time getting to sleep at night sometimes, so my doctor suggested melatonin.  It's a natural supplement that doesn't leave me groggy, but allows me to get a good nights rest.  I'm also trying to eat better, more nutritious food.  You can't make good decisions if your mind is clouded by junk food. 

This is a choice, I choose not to let depression get ahold of me like it did.  I choose to stop the negative thoughts and take control of my life.  I know, easier said than done, but I'm trying not to be a victim and be more in command of what I do with my day.  It's a real sense of empowerment when you can look yourself in the mirror and be proud of the things you accomplish. 

I think Kitt is right, your company might be understanding now, but how long are they going to hold onto your position while you struggle?  I would listen to your doctors, try to exercise, try to shift your priorities to be a better employee...it will be hard, but some things are worth working hard for.  Your well being is worth the hard work that it will take to get you back to liking who you are when you look in the mirror. 

Hope some of this helps!

Thanks for the advice buck, it sounds like your winning the battle good luck to you. I on the other hand not doing so good..

I know what your saying is right. I wish I can find the strength, everyday is a new struggle for me to wake up, I keep hearing voices in my head convincing me to stay in bed, and I stay in bed until my body is fed up with me and starts giving me these nasty dreams or head-acks, then I decide finally it's time to get out of bed.. today I got out of bed at 7 PM, it sounds bad but its better than yesterday...

What's really sad is... sometimes I wish I can go sleeping forever.. I dream of that day... or even wish I never existed.. I feel my whole existance is uneeded.. and the world is better-off without me.. I have thought of suiside so many times, but my faith in GOD is why I am still here...

I just wish I can wake-up easily like everyone else in the morning.. I feel the mornings are boring its the reason I decide to skip them, then I also feel the afternoons are boring so I skip them too, there goes the day... lately I am even feeling the evenings are boring too, which makes the whole day boring.. so I'm bascially boared 24/24 hours a day.. I don't do much when I am awake either, just sit by the TV/eat and on my PC. Haven't gone to work since 4 days now. out of the 24 hours I spend upto 18 in bed..

I understand that I should excersize, but I can't convince myself to do so .. I'm always postponing it, making up excuses not to do it... I know I should just do it.. but I can't... I feel hopeless..

Everyday, I feel ashamed of myself, I look back in the past and say what a great person I was, why can't I do the stuff I used to do anymore? what went wrong? there is something that went wrong with me at some point and all I can think of is my long addiction to online video games.. maybe I should give myself more time to heal or something I don't know.. my doctors say I should just move on but I can't..

I ask GOD for help every single day, but nothing changes.. I am not saying I am lousing faith or anything, I know its all in my head and I'm the one will have to take action..

I always feel I'm on the wrong medication... too, but all the doctors insist I'm taking the right medication for my case.. sometimes I feel I'm better off without any medication... I really don't know..

thanks getting by for your nice words, you also hit me with what I was just thinking, I want to take a walk this morning, it's almost 5 AM here and maybe I will skip sleep tonight and take a walk and see the sun-rise :)

I do regular checks, all dotors say I'm healthy except for my high-blood presure, I might end-up taking some pills for that sooner or later.

and about me going through a phase it's possible, all I know is that the more time passes by that I don't indulge in those online crack games the better..

well, I did the walk about 1 hour and 30 minutes it felt great, and I saw many people jogging or walking at sun-rise too it was nice :) and I managed to get to work this morning and I feel good , I just hope I can keep it up ..

Hi Akram,
AWESOME for you! The sunrise...wasn't that beautiful! That's what I mean about appreciating the little things when you make the effort. I take such great pleasure when I heard birds chirping or people jogging by, kids waiting for the bus, it's all visual candy for your brain that I'm just one person in this world, and I choose to put one foot in front of the other and not give depression the power over me that it had. It's a choice...take pride in the good choices that you're making...you made it to work..AWESOME! See, you're doing it. One good choice at a time and soon you'll find yourself climbing out of that downward spiral you've been in. Just keep going, let that be your mantra.