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Posted 11/16/2008 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
I'm hoping this board will be a better place for me. I wasn't treated so well on a different site. This place looks like the place for me. I'm 27yrs old and a SAHM to my 2yr old son. I have been suffering from depression for the last 3yrs. I've had it on and off all my life but I've been stuck in a funk for 3yrs. It makes me sad just thinking that it's been so long to be stuck. I did seek help a year ago and was put on zoloft, I was only on 50mgs, I tried to up to 100mgs but it caused anxiety for me so I just stuck with the 50mgs. I didn't like the way I was treated there so didn't persue getting on a different med and then my insurance lapsed. I thought that I would be ok without them (I was only on it for roughly 6mo) but it slowly creeped back. I am now in the process of getting approved for insurance so I can find the right place and get help. I just can't deal with this anymore. It's hard for me to explain how I got here but after becoming a mom I've just sunk. I literally have no friends, don't have family close, never have had a babysitter and I'm isolated a lot. I've made the decision to go back to work part time because I can't live this life anymore being a nobody and my son is greatly affected too. I plan on putting him in daycare part time next month and then start looking for work. I seriously need a break. My depression affects my motivation to even get out of my house, I feel like I'm just getting through everyday and every night will dread the next. I think a lot, my mind constantly runs, I talk to myself a lot and sometimes I think that I drive myself crazy. Any negativity that comes in my life seems to really erk me and encrypt my mind, I have a hard time getting over things and will stress myself out. It's almost like my mind consumes me. I am just so tired of being who I am. I have no joy and I don't even know what it feels like to be in a good mood. I love my son more then anything and he does bring me joy but I just feel like I can't be the person I need to be for him. I can hear it in my voice when I talk to people on the phone that there is just no tone to it. This is affecting my relationship with my son's dad, we are not married yet but have been together for 4yrs. I'm having a hard time giving and recieving affection, it's like I just don't care or I just want to be left alone. But I think it's because of my own issues though. I feel bad that I can't be who I need to be to him and that he deserves. He does support what I'm going through, sometimes it's hard for me to talk to him though. He also works a lot about 60-70 hours a week and works every other Sat. So that's tough for me too. I have had a great relationship with my mom, we have been best friends ever since I've been a teenager but over the last 2 months I don't feel as connected to her. I think she's tired of my depression and sometimes I feel like a obligation to her. So I don't feel comfortable picking up the phone to call her. I wish sometimes that I could pick up the phone to talk to SOMEONE but I really don't have anyone to turn to.

My plans are in the right direction for me but a part of me is scared and unsure how things will unfold. I'm worried about trying to get a job with my mind being in the position it's in. I feel like I just don't have any personality. Sometimes I wonder if I should get my mental health stuff done first because I really don't need a job but I would like to get out and make some extra money. I could still put my son in daycare for 2 days a week and take care of my mental problems or pursue the job and while working and juggling daycare take care of it. The job will be good for me because I need to get out and do something while having a break from my son but deciding to wait on the job to take care of my mental health seems like I'm just making an excuse. I don't know, but anyway thanks for listening!

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 11/15/2008 9:11:29 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/16/2008 4:29 AM (GMT 0)

Wishdreamhope,

Welcome to HealingWell. I understand your feelings as I know many of the members will also.

I would  like to suggest you work on your depression first.  There are other ways to get a break and find some time for yourself. Starting a new job may be one of the most stressful things you can do.

Have you ever tried journaling........?

I know your in between insurance but have you ever tried CBT therapy.  There is an online free site that many members have used and have had wonderful luck with it.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

CBT
The MoodGym Training Program

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/

Just click on the link. smurf

Relaxation techniques: Try deep breathing, muscle relaxation, visualization (imagining peaceful scenes), and/or listening to soothing music.

Realistic self-talk: While we can't always control what happens to us, we can always control what we say to ourselves. It's important to keep things in perspective. Talk to yourself in reasonable ways. Ask yourself "how likely is my fear?" Remind yourself that you have coped before during other challenging times. Don't just dwell on the negative but consciously look for things you can appreciate every day.

Make an effort to stay focused on what's happening now. What do you see, hear, and smell? How do you feel? Truly be 'present' in the moment! That will help you keep the anxiety/depression  down.

Is there anything you wanted to do but never got round to? A hobby you wanted to start? Throw yourself into it and don't look back. How about volunteer at a place you have an interest in? Volunteer work also looks good on a resume'.

Again welcome and take care

Kitt

Posted 11/16/2008 5:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Wishdreamhope,

Reading your post was like deja vu for me. I know exactly how you feel. I am also a SAHM to a beautiful 3-year-old girl, and have been suffering with this since after she was born. We moved to a new town when she was 4 months old, and I have no friends here to speak of. My husband works 40 hours a week and goes to school part-time, so I am home alone with my daughter the majority of the week. It's incredibly hard feeling depressed and being so isolated. I have to say that coming here has helped me out, because there are people here that know exactly what I'm feeling, and they understand, and that helps a little with the isolation. I also agree with stkitt when it comes to finding a hobby. I've just recently started playing the flute again at my church, and that helps, even with just leaving the house, which I rarely did before joining the choir. It really helps to keep the mind off of things.

Have you looked into any programs that help with prescription drugs? I know that some pharmacies have programs that help with the cost, like $4 generics and the like. That might also be something to look into. It doesn't help with the doctor visits. I also don't have any health insurance, and I've found a clinic in my area that has a spend-down program based on income.

I hope you keep coming back to the boards. It really does help to have people to talk to that understand what you're going through. Stay strong.
Posted 11/16/2008 9:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Hope,

I picked that name out of your name because that is my favorite part ot it.

I had the same problem with my mind not being able to shut off and I talked to myself so much that people in the next room thought I was having a conversation with somebody.LOL...

When you get your insurance straightened out talk to your doctor about that. They added ABILIFY to my medications and that really helped. It slowed down my thinking process so that I could concentrate on one thing at a time. The pdoc said the talking to myself was because I had so much on my mind, in it was my way of coping with it. I talk to myself no more, unless I get really stressed. But I can handle that too. Also since I have been on this med, I have not been depressed. So it goes well with the other meds that I take.

CBT. as Kitt mentioned helps you to stay in the moment too. I think that would help you a lot. It trains you to think differently. You can go to a counselor and work on that or get a book on it and do that on your own. Though I would recommend that you see a counselor. You need the extra support.

Either way, stick with us. You will like it here.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/16/2008 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Hope,

Kitt, Ayva, and Karen has given you great information already, and I don't have much to add. But I do want you to know that we will always be here for you, and feel free to vent here, say whatever you want to say. I think you are a wonderful mom, you just need to see it for yourself.
And please keep having hope, because with hope depression and all other obstacles can be overcome. Or as they say it in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption":

Fear can hold you prison,
Hope can set you free.

It is ok to feel and be the way you are. You are perfect in what and who you are, even when you do not realize that.

Take care Hope!
Erik
Posted 11/17/2008 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much. Maybe I should just focus on getting my mental health taken care of first. I plan on going to counseling on top of being put on meds. I think I really need it. I'm already planning on putting my son in daycare 2 days a week, that way it can allow me to go to appointments and counseling (I literally do not have anybody to watch him otherwise). Plus I think he needs it, he needs to be in a place that will stimulate his mind by learning, doing activities and interacting with other kids, it will also help because he will be getting away from the house. And on top of it all I can get a break.

Gettingby, it helps so much that there is someone who can understand my mind consuming me and that I talk to myself. The talking to myself is a little embarrassing to admit. I'm definately going to mention all this when I go, it seems there is hope in getting that relieved.

Somepeace, it's nice to here that we can relate, being SAHM's and our children are close in age. It's definately not easy especially being depressed.

Kitt, I'll definately check out the website. I do need to think differently because I tend to be negative a lot. It's hard for me to be positive.

enWayen, thanks for telling me I'm a great mom and person, we depressives tend to not see the good in ourselves. I actually thought about it the other day and told myself well, at least I do get up everyday and take care of my son even though I don't want to go through another day with him. And that I don't neglect him. I need to give myself some credit and in more areas of my life.

I just also wanted to add that there are some days where I feel like I can't even relax or focus on what I SHOULD be doing because of my mind running. I also plan on getting a blood work up first before I do the mental health stuff, to check thyroid, check for anemia, diabetes stuff like that. I haven't had a regular check up like that in a long time. I should find out about the insurance by the end of this month.

I'm just so tired of living with my mind and being depressed. I feel like there is so much more that I CAN be and I just want to feel happy and find my way in this life.

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 11/17/2008 8:28:39 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/17/2008 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
Heeja Hope,

I just wanted to say that I also have lots of time where I can't seem to get things done. No motivation whatsoever. Meditation is a great help in those times. Sometimes it bring motivation back, sometimes not, but every time it soothes my mind and create a certain inner peace, where it doesn't matter that much that things aren't going the way as I think they should. Maybe you could try something like that out for yourself.

It will also stop your mind from racing, as that is the whole point of meditating.

Is there anything in specific that you always wanted to do in your life? Draw? Play an instrument? Visit a country? Now is the time, as now will be all there is.

Take care!
Knuffel, Erik
Posted 11/17/2008 9:29 PM (GMT 0)

Hope,

I am so proud of you for clearly recognizing what you need to do  and in what order.  You mention your son often and what better insensitive could you have then a little one who loves you unconditionally.  You are obviously a great Mom and the day care is a good idea.  It does give you the time to make appointments, and go to your appointments.

Depression is a disorder that none of us want.  But we can't just wish it away, I have tried, so we look it in the eye and deal with it.

Keep talking to us sweetie.  We are here for you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 11/18/2008 5:23 AM (GMT 0)
Dear WDH,
Wanted to chime in and offer some ideas. I am fond of saying that it is ok to ask for help. I think sometimes people are reluctant to ask for a little help. If you needed a cup of flour to finish a recipe, would you go next door and ask for it? I say, why not? Asking for help connects us together. It starts or strengthens bonds.
Also, kids are great for meeting other people. If you take him to a park or library, your son will meet other kids, and you can meet other moms. It's a way to connect with people who may be open to talking, sharing or helping.
No one said it was easy, and it sounds like you are taking hold of the situation and moving forward. Keep writing for help. Keep hoping. You can do it.
Posted 11/18/2008 10:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hope,

I think that you have a very good attitude and that you are focusing on the things that you need to.

As far as talking to myself, I use to be so bad that in this one bead store, the guy would always comment on it. I thought about getting a head set so it would look like I was talking on a phone. LOL...

I have gotten better since I have been taking abilify, but noticed that I am doing that again, so I think I have too much on my mind. Time to meditate.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/18/2008 2:41 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all again for the replies. I want the help because I really just can't do this anymore and I know it's a good thing to recognize that. It's affecting me as a whole, it's affecting my son, it's affecting my parenting and my relationship. I feel like I can't live my life the way I want to or be the person I so deperately want to be without getting all this straightened out first. And looking back I realize that I didn't get the help that I really needed a year ago. I try to take my son to the park every once in a while but it's hard to get the motivation to get out. I do take him to a mommy and me class once a week. He has so much fun being around other kids.

I mention my son a lot because I do worry about him, sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for him. And I do feel guilty about putting him in daycare but I really think he needs it. I can't provide what a daycare can. He will get so much out of it!

Anyway, it really helps to get the supporting words from everyone. My boyfriend will be on vacation next week and we are going out of town for 2days. Renting a cabin and just soaking  in the outdoors. We haven't gone anywhere for pleasure in a long long time. We actually just relocated to a different area because the rent is cheaper, we were really struggling where we were originally. But now we are so much better off that it's allowing us to finally get away. Of course our son is coming too, he never gets to go anywhere either. I'll be looking forward to just having my boyfriend around for once. It's weird because I feel like I'm a different person when he's around because I don't think and my mind doesn't run. It's like I have no worries when he's here and I'm able to relax.

Posted 11/18/2008 4:53 PM (GMT 0)

Hope,

Taking a few days away should be good for you.  No worries, remember to stay in the moment.  Don't worry about yesterday and tomorrow will take care of itself so live in today.

I am proud of you and I know you are going to learn how to deal with this depression, asking for help is a hard thing to do but the right thing.  You are a great Mom and I believe you have the strength to get through this tough time.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 11/19/2008 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your uplifting words!

stkitt said...

Hope,

Taking a few days away should be good for you.  No worries, remember to stay in the moment.  Don't worry about yesterday and tomorrow will take care of itself so live in today.

I am proud of you and I know you are going to learn how to deal with this depression, asking for help is a hard thing to do but the right thing.  You are a great Mom and I believe you have the strength to get through this tough time.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


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