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Lost my first love feeling really bad about it please help me .I AM GOING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted 11/17/2008 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, My name is Anu.I have a very serious problem.i was in love with a guy when i was doing my engineering.We got married without the knowledge of anybody except some of his friends(none of our parents know).I love him more than anything on earth .Later on problems started he used to restrict me from talking to guys or going out with girls also. he always believed his friends and used to ask me for clarrification..I am a frienndly kind of a girl.i used to feel bad ,we used to quarel for sometime and after tat everything was k.this used to happen every 3 or 4 days.I used to compromise and say sorry.Thing went on like this for 2 yrs i wanted his caring.i used to lie that i was not feeling well because if i was ill then he used to speak caringly to me.Finally oneday i cant even tell i stopped talking to him.He did his engineering for 6 yrs after my engineering i left for job.then also i used to speak to him .He always failed in his exams only when i stopped talking to him he completed his engineering and that to because of anger.After stop talking tohim i met another guy in the office.he proposed me but i said no.For abt 1 year he was explaining me the situation If your first love was genuine u cant go away with him but u know his mentality and why still u wanna be there with him.After some days when i said no he brought the proposal to my parents and they were very happy with my collegue and the marriage is almost fixed.Even when the proposal was running i called my lover and told him everything the response i got from him was "Do u now understand why i never allowed u to speak with guys?" Again i felt very bad.I had no words.3days i called him and tried to convince him but still.I had no other go my parents were happy.But now he started mailing me.I am already feelig bad and now these mails are taking me into deprssion.definitely keeping apart job position my collegue is veryvery gud..plz help me.I KNEW IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO SPEND LIFE WITH HIM AND BROKE THE RELATION FORCEFULLY BUT NOW I AM UNABLE TO COME OUT OF HIS MEMORIES.Now i cant go back to him .PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZ help me

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 11/17/2008 11:01:02 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/17/2008 6:18 PM (GMT 0)

Anu,

I edited your post as you posted the same message twice.

Welcome to HealingWell.  You are indeed in a tough spot and I believe you know what you need to do.  We can guide you but you have to take the responsibility for your own feelings.  I think you would do very well in therapy.

If I read this correctly, you are married to the engineer. Your parents do not know.  You have a new boyfriend that you have been dating for sometime who believes you are free to marry and he has even gone so far as to ask your parents for permission to marry you.

You do not seem to care for this new boyfriend and are calling your "husband" to let him know someone else wants you. It is causing conflict between you and your husband as you seemed to have much conflict when you were together.

I am not judging you, but I feel you need to be honest and upfront with the people in your life who do love you.

Tell your parents you are already married.  Tell the man that wants to marry you the truth.  He has a right to know he has been dating and proposing to a married woman.

Get over the " husband" as from what you have written it is not the guy for you or are you for him.

Get a divorce, get your job and start fresh with new coping skills you can learn in therapy.

Also find the strength to apologize to your parents and the young man that has asked you to marry him.  He is going to be very hurt by what has been going on but he has the right to the truth.

Remember this is just the way I see it. I wish you the best and hope that out of this you can make a good life for you.

Sincerely

Kitt

Posted 11/17/2008 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Anu!

I am no good in relationships, but there is one question you can ask yourself that will always work: "What action will bring you the greatest happiness in the future?". Only you can answer that question, and the answer should be what you should do. You say when your first love is genuine you can't go away. You are the director of your own life, so go away if that is what brings you most happiness. My first love was, and still is, genuine as what, yet I moved on, and found greater joy in my life than I did before.

As Kitt said, be honest with those around you. After all, you should live your life, not others.

And seeing a counsellor or another professional can be a great help to get you back on the tracks. If it is possible, I strongly recommend you to give it a try.

Take care Anu, and keep talking to us!
Erik
Posted 11/18/2008 10:13 AM (GMT 0)
I too agree with Kitt and Erik.

Be honest and start counseling. You have a complicated love triangle going on here, I think your life would be much easier if you were up front with everybody.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/18/2008 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

My problem is not that.I WAS IN LOVE WITH THIS ENGINEER AND GOT MARRIED TO HIM.HE WAS TOO POSSESIVE about ME.i WANTED TO HAV A TRUE RELATION WITH MY HUBY BUT EVRYTHING DEPENDED ON HIS MOODS.HE NEVER LIKED ME TALKING TO GUYS EVEN WITH GIRLS I WAS RESTRICTED.My new boyfriend knows everything about my marriage..As far as the new guy is concerned.He liked me,I told him everything about my marriage .He said waiting for a person who has no respect for u .Even then i said no and he tried to convince me.He used to say if ur ex is genune i will help u people in getting married,even if dont marry me its k but marry a genuine person.After 1 yr he approached my family and brought the marriage preposal.Before I told yes to my new boyfriend,eventhough i was not been talking to my ex for 2 yrs,i met him and asked "This is the situation that is running in my house and my parents are interested in this guy" but the response i got was "Do u now understand why i never allowed u to speak with guys?".After that i really begged him to come back into my life but what he felt was he got a new job and thats why i want him back.The actual fact was that ,i could not accept anybody except him.Finally he told me that he can never be happy with me.I asked him not even try to come back into my life.But i have feelings for him.When everything ended my ex started to mail me again saying he is in a very gud position and he wants me in his life atleast in next birth.But in none of his mails he mentioned he wants me back.I really getting disturbed with his mails.I AM LITERALLY GOING MAD.
Posted 11/18/2008 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Anu,

I am sorry but I am having a bit of trouble following your story.

I know we have tried to give you good advice but I feel at this point you need a professional to help you sort out what is happening. It feels to me like you need to take care of your depression and sort out your own feelings before you make any more commitments. I am not a professional and I am here to support you.

Also, just FYI,

14. No SHOUTING.  Remember, using ALL CAPITAL LETTERS in posts is considered yelling and rude, plus it is difficult to read. 

Many members do not realize they have their caps on so just a gentle reminder.

Peace
Kitt

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