Venting

I don't know where to start, I somehow don't feel comfortable putting all my misery here online, though that is a part of what this place is for. Maybe I am afraid of losing you as well.

I just don't know anymore, I felt this coming for a while, as my state of mind got worse and worse over the last few days. I skipped school with some lame excuses (partly because I needed excuses for myself, not for school), and I just don't know what to do. A part of me wants to quit so bad, because I can't stand the endless cycle of having to prove yourself, having obligations that you have to do, even when you aren't feeling like doing them. I just want some rest, a time without pressure. But the other part of me is aware that there will always be pressure, because I can't sit down and do nothing. Quitting school will force me to get a job or so.

I actually got out of bed to write here, it got too bad. I had an imaginary dialogue inside me head as usual, this time with the counsellor I am seeing tomorrow. He asked me what I felt like. I answered that I felt like 1 of 13 sitting on a round table. When there is a goal to achieve, I can be the one leading to pack to achieving it, and be actively involved. When we have a break, 12 will turn chairs to eachother and have a face-to-face talk, I will be the one staring out of the window.

The truth is, I don't know anymore. All the great things I've learned in the last few months aren't forgotten, and still are a huge help, but they haven't integrated or so. Right now, they only confuse me more. Should I do what my heart tells me, and quit study? Or should I do what "society" tells me, and finish study. What will happen if I choose the first? Can I at some point find joy in study, or will it be like this forever? I would love to have a break now, a long vacation or so, but I feel I owe it to others to continue study. I share a house with a friend and I feel I can't just leave him. My parent's set me up with an entire furnished room and all, and I feel like I can't even risk to lose their support. They have been the only solid factor in my life. And I just don't know how they will react, and that scares me.

Another thing that is bugging me is the setting of my study. It is way too big, or so it feels. When there are 10 people it is easy to get to know them and feel comfortable, when there are 400+ it is almost impossible. Especially for someone who needs input from the others. I don't go out, I don't see others except while I am in school. Which is fine, since I love being alone in my room playing with music. But it makes it so much harder to motivate myself to go to school, because all I will find there is lecture, not friendship. I am aware that I can make friends, but the time and effort to start and keep up a friendship isn't something I have right now. It makes me feel lost inside.

I need to get rid of the obligations. Like with my piano lessons, I love them when there is no homework, but once there is, I actually feel uncomfortable going to them. Things like homework makes me feel like I have to prove myself again. And that create a fear of failure, resulting in no motivation to get started. At least, that is what I think, I just don't know.

And tomorrow there are several important things at school which I should attend. I don't want to, and I at the moment I think I won't go. I constantly find myself worrying about the future, the things that I ought to do. Not only with study, but with everything. I worry about a simple thing as going to the supermarket (thus delaying it until I really need something to eat). The only days I feel good are the days I can stay at home and do the things I want to do. Those are in fact the days things get done, the things I normally won't do. The others days are a constant battle, and like nearly all wars its outcome is useless.

I will go try to get some sleep now, as my eyes are tired of tears and sleep and watching a computer screen.

I hope you all have a pleasant day

Dear Erik,  I am so sorry to read that you are feeling very down.  You have been doing so well lately, what do you think happened to change your good frame of mind?  I think what Karen has told you is very true.  You are never burdening any of us.  Having gotten to know you I truly feel you are such a good friend.  I know you are in the medical field and that is a tremendous undertaking.  Is there a way to take fewer classes?  Are your classes mostly lectures with lots of students?  As Karen asked are you able to take a leave of absence and come back to your studies?  These are all things to consider.  I know you do not want to disappoint your parents.  Can you talk to them about how you feel?  By taking the couse of study you are in you must have done so with a specific goal in mind.  Are your goals still the same?  If so, then maybe it is best to keep on studying.  Maybe you should take some time off from the piano lessons.  You sound like you are overloaded. Do you have a roomate? And if you do can you talk to that person or other friends from school who are in the same field?  How many years do you have left and what exactly are you studying to be?  Are you going to be a medical dr.?  Sorry for asking so many questions but I am trying to find out if there are any suggestions I can give you to get you through a difficult time right now.  I know you went to Rwanda this summer and you were very pleased with that project.  Please post when you can and lets try to work through this time.  Have you got any vacation coming up from school?  That would give you a chance to rest and regroup your thoughts.  Hope I haven't bogged you down with too many questions.  Take good care of yourself and I will look for your posts.  Please know I want very much to be of support.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Heej!

Thank you all so much for your reply's! Today is a complete new day, and I feel refreshed again. I guess yesterday night was just a reminder to me that I need to continue working on my mental health . And a reminder that I need to change the way things are going right now, because they aren't going as they could be. This evening I will have a chat with my parent's, to let them know.

When laying in bed last night I realized I do want to be a jungle doctor. That is something worth fighting for. My dad is in fact an expert on motivation, so maybe he has some ideas.

I can even laugh now at my post from yesterday . What I wrote was exactly how I felt, but I know I can change my mood if I want to. I just didn't want to do it last night. So that is something to remember, as it won't end up very good.

And no to answer some of your question rather than to talk about me all the time. Vacation will begin 4 weeks from now, and will be 2 weeks long. And about disappointing myself, that ain't a very good idea in my case, as thinking of all the things I did wrong up to this date is quite enough to make me feel bad, more won't make it worse. It is better not to think of it.
And Aurora, my goals have changed a bit. But that is normal. There are people which I can talk to, and I will. My roommate isn't exactly the type for this kind of conversations, but we will see.

And Li, that is some very good advice you gave. Maybe that is the way to go, it is worth trying! But even when you are alone, it won't be bad as long as you don't think its bad. Now that is something to be aware of in those situations.

Ow, and never worry whether your advice is good or bad, at those moments nothing can make it worse, and just a sign of life is enough to make me feel better.

Take care all, and no worries 'bout me, as I will probably be well until next month or so .
Knuffel! Erik

Dear Erik,

I am glad you got up and put it down in words how you felt.  That was honest and brave of you.  Please do not put more pressure on yourself.  It is OK to change your mind.  I sense you are trying to be all things at one time and you will not accept any weakness on your side.

Lower you standard a bit, skip something once in awhile and just do for you, something fun. You are special but just try to stay in the moment and let go of the what if's or whys.

Always feel comfortable sharing with us.  We support you.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities
no doubt have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with
your old nonsense.

This day is all that is
good and fair.
It is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on yesterdays. Ralph Waldo Emerson

My prayers for you to find your peace.

Kitt