Hi

I don't know what to write about. I guess I just joined this forum because I don't know what to do. I can't sum up myself or my problems in writing, but I must have joined this thing for some reason. Maybe I'll try to say something about the problems I'm having, however incomplete this is going to be...
I've always been regarded as a cheerful person, like really, really cheerful. People think I'm so strong. I can't show emotion in front of my dad, because we have to take care of my mom with her schizophrenia. I'm so lucky my parents are together, I don't want to upset my dad by showing actual emotion in front of him. I think that was how I learned to hide, but now I'm hiding all the time. I feel like I can't be open, and I just keep crying when I'm alone but never showing it to anyone. Last night I tried to listen to music to drown out my thoughts, but it didn't work so I got up and cried so much for so long. I'm not crying about my mom's illness. It's been this way my whole life. I'm upset about stuff completely unrelated to her, but I can't talk about any of it, because I have learned, through experiences relating to her, that I am able to complete hide. So I'm just hiding and feeling miserable all the time. I've told some friends how I feel, but I never tell anyone the whole thing. They want me to share, but I can't. It's been this way for years, but this past month I almost haven't felt good at all. If I were being honest with the world, I would just be crying all the time. But everyone thinks I'm fine. Even the people I've tried to tell don't realize how bad I feel. I think I'm not worth anything, and, while I might have better and worse times, I don't see hope for overcoming my underlying problems.

Heej Confused,

It can be the most difficult thing ever to open yourself up. Yet it can also be the most deliberating thing. However, only open yourself when you feel ready for it. You can safely sum up what is bothering you here. As Karen said, it is anonymous and the members won't judge anything they read. This is a place of compassion rather than judgement.
It is up to you whether you decide to talk about the things bothering you, but I'd like to say it did help for me. For several years my depression slowly but steadily grew bigger, until the point it became physically abusive as well. At that point, I made the decision that it was enough by putting my thoughts online here on HW. I think it ended up in a complete book, but it did work. I can't tell you what or how it worked, but it did. I even ended up telling it to my friends.

I am happy to hear that your friends are there for you when you think the time is ready to tell them. Just take my word that writing about depression can be a great help in exploring it. Things and deeper-laying causes might just pop up, and sometimes you can cure those causes. You won't have to show it to others, though they can be a help in discovering the true "you".

I wish you all the best Confused!
Erik