Is this depression? Or just being a teenager?

Okay, so here's the background story.

I've been dating my boyfriend for the last four years. We started when i was 15, and I am 19 now. We used to be happy and had tons in common and we were loving life. Everything was fine with the first two years of our relationship.

When I was 17 and just about to start my senior year of high school, my parents, who had been married for 25 years, divorced. My mother was cheating on my father with the neighbor down the street and my father was shattered by it. I have two siblings, one is 24 (22 at the time of the seperation) and the other is 12 (10 during the separation). My older sibling had just moved to a different state and had gotten married and was busy with her life. My younger sibling was too young to really have any say in what was happening. Right after the separation my father tried to commit suicide, and then I felt like I was the only one who could be there for my father and take care of him.

So for the next year, and a half I chose to live with my dad. I hardly spoke to my mother for a year. She had gotten together with the nieghbor and they were starting their own relationship. Because I was consumed with graduating high school, maintaining a job, and taking care of my father I didn't swell on the divorce much.

During all this, my boyfriend kind of got back burner-ed. He was there, but i didn't talk to him or share my feelings, because i didn't want to even thing about the situation. I just wanted to keep busy. I pushed him away, even though he was still physically there.

Things pretty much stayed the same for the year and half i took care of my dad. I took the first semester off of college and worked full time. Then when the spring semester started I went to school.

Then I started "acting out" i guess. I became very flirtatious with people who weren't my boyfriend. I had sex with two of his best friends, I constantly talked to other boys (and girls) about the sexual things I wanted to do with them, and i even had some exchanges of promiscuous pictures and videos with people over the internet. Meanwhile, my sex drive with my boyfriend dwindled.

When he found out about all these things, he didn't get mad at me. He was dissapointed in me and was determined to try harder to make me interested in him only. But the thing is, my attraction towards him had dissapeared. During this past summer I thought about breaking up with him several times, but then we would hang out and have a good time and i would change my mind. But I couldn't deny that my attraction to him was still missing and my feelings towards him were lessening too.

I was kind of forced to take this past semester off of school, but unlike the last time I took off a semester, I don't have a full time job. So for the past 3 months I've had tons of free time for the first time since my parent's divorce. Before i had kept busy with school and work and i had pushed all thoughts of my parent's separation and my relationship with my boyfriend away. But with all the free time i've had and nothing better to do, all those thoughts came crashing back at the same time.

I worried a lot about how my mom got bored with my father after 25 years. They got married really young, when my mom was 18. My boyfriend is the only boyfriend I've ever had. He's a great person, but i worry about not getting the freedom and curiosity in me out there now before i ruin a 25 year marriage of my own. Also I thought a lot about how I had cheated on my boyfriend before and I regret doing those things, but I feel like i did them because I wanted to escape from my long relationship with my boyfriend and I needed self esteme boosts. I also feel that maybe i did those things so he would catch me and get mad at me and then break up with me, so i wouldn't have to do the heart breaking.

Then I cheated on my boyfriend with one of my close guy friends and i didn't feel any guilt whatsoever. So i took that as a sign to break up with him. I thought that if i could cheat and feel no remorse then I really don't love him.

So i broke up with him and I had never broken up with anyone before. It made my situation comepletly worse. Now not only did i not have a job, and not have school, but i felt 100 times more lonely not having a boyfriend. I would go out with friends and have fun, but sitting at home all day when i wasn't out with friends was miserable.

So that's what happened and here is what is happening now, and why i'm not sure if i'm depressed or just having normal out of school, not sure what to do with my life, problems.

So after three weeks, I agreed to go back out with him. We've been back together for two weeks now. The first couple of days I was really happy, but then everything just stopped. I stopped feeling all emotion towards everything. I would look at my boyfriend and to me he just seemed like any other friend of mine. Nothing special. I stopped feeling happy, but i didn't feel sad either. I just became very numb. I would spend my days alone, while all my friends were in school sitting on my bed leaning against the wall wishing to melt into the wall. I felt no love at all towards my boyfriend, nor anyone else.

When I told him this he got really mad at me and told me to get out of his house and never speak to him again. I my brain I could hear a voice telling me "this is your chance to be free. Just walk out that door and be free." But I had lost all control of my body and it refused to move. I didn't understand why my body would not move. I stood in his house practically speachless, my body not moving, and him glaring at me for about 10 minutes straight. Finally he and i sat down and talked about it. When i explained to him that I've been feeling void of all emotions and not just the ones towards him, he told me that I might be depressed. I left his house that day still as his girlfriend but while I was driving home i kept asking myself "why didn't I just leave and be done with this."

Now it's a week later. My boyfriend has done lots of research and is convinced I am depressed. He even convinced me that i'm depressed. His mother and sister is a nurse and his brother-in-law, whom i respect very very much, has had to deal with depression himself. They all agree that I am depressed. I have an appointment to talk to a therapist and I've been taking vitamin B and talking to a lot of people about it. And a lot of people have told me "it's natural to feel like you don't love your boyfriend when you're depressed like this. The worst thing you can do is to leave him because then you'll be depressed and lonely and you won't have someone supporting you so strongly" 

But then I got really confused. I was talking to one friend and he said "i don't think you're depressed at all. I think you're just losing yourself because you're in a relationship you don't want to be in. But you've given up trying to do your own thing. You went back to your boyfriend after breaking up with him because you were lonely and you hated seeing him miserable without you (which is true). Now you're just shutting down your personality and desires to try and make him and yourself happy again. And now you've become a zombie with no emotions at all. I just think you need to be free again and not give into him this time."

I'm so confused and it's hard to think straight because my brain doesn't want to work it seems. Every time I try to focus on a problem, my thoughts switch to something else. And i'm usually very good at focusing on things.

So I don't know what to do. And I guess the questions I need advice solving is: Am I depressed due to lack of work and school and post trama from my parents divorce and am just numb from having nothing but free time to think about all these thoughts? Or Am I just having relationship troubles because I keep giving in to what my boyfriend wants me to do instead of doing my own thing? Am I using the excuse "i'm depressed" as a reason to stay with him but not feel guilty for not loving him? Would I be running away from depression and the people who can help if I leave him?

(sorry that was kind of long, but i wanted to get the full story out so anyone reading could understand me better)

Well, you have defn. had alot going on. I can sympathize some as I am only 17 myself. I can tell you that dealing with depression isnt an easy thing. But, I understand what you are saying about not feeling emotion. I am convinced that you are depressed, to what level, I am not sure. Maybe just a little or maybe not. But, nevertheless, its good that you are going to talk to someone. Its better not to wait, trust me. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for over a year and a half. I am just now feeling better because I just recently talked to my doctor about it and started taking medication. But, it took me a VERY long time to have the courage to speak up... So, its important that you talk about it now.

I understant trying to juggle work, school, and everything else in your life. Its not easy. But, you will make it. When you dont feel any emotion its hard to really process thoughts because you dont understand how you are feelings towards things. I remember feeling numb. I would sit out on the porch and just stare at the world. And the world stared back! I remember feeling so lonely. I was single at the time and going through some really hard things just with that. You said you flirted with both guys and girls, so maybe you could understand, I dont know because I dont know that much about you. But, 11 months ago I came out to my friends. It was such a hard thing, and still is. But, I remember feeling so alone because I didnt have anyone there for me. And I couldnt talk to people about my feelings. I was too stubborn, but more than anything I wanted help.

For me, I got WAY worse. I didnt start messing around sexually like in your case, but I started the whole self-harm type thing. Trust me, thats not the way to go! So, I can understand how you had no feelings.

I suggest you go talk to that person. They will be able to help you more than we can. We will help you as much as possible and be your support system! Most of here can understand one way or another what you are going through. Im not sure about the boyfriend. It sounds like he really cares for you.

My suggestion on that part would be to wait for a while. First of all, he will help you through. Its sounds like he's an okay guy. But, right now if you are numb to your feelings, you cant distinguish how you feel from how you dont. Maybe the divorse and everything stressed you out and you have alot of feelings that are there and causing this. Im not sure. Maybe you dont really like your boyfriend.

You also cant compare what happened to your parents to yourself. Things happen to people, but its unpredictable. You have to be trusting. You cant assume everything bad will also happen to you. You cant think that because of what happen to your parents its better not to get involved, that way you wont have to go through that... you just cant think that.

So, like I said before, go talk to someone. Get everything out, and get some help. Hopefully you will start to feel better soon. Then, maybe you can think clearer and know how you truly feel about things! I dont know if this helps you or not, I can only hope it helps some! lol But, if you ever need to talk, Im here. My email and everything is on my page, just click on my name. I wish you the best of luck! Take Care! =]

Going back to school is a good thing. I will be starting next fall and I have already been, I enjoyed it because it kept me going with things to do and I met alot of interesting people. I think working some more would help, not enough to stress you out, but enough to keep your mind going. Volunteering is nice, I volunteer at our local hospital. I love it! Theatre sounds like it would be fun!

Let us know how it goes with the therapist. I think your friends or someone would have time to talk to you. My friends would make time if I needed them, and I do the same for them. Your friends care about you and are there for you. Maybe you should focus some on school. It will be starting soon. That gives you something to look forward to. Make plans to do things. Have things to look forward too. You are NOT alone and that is a good thing. You have friends and you have us on here. So, dont be a stranger! Im about to go to my next class so, Take Care! =]

Kussax

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression forum. I understand exactly what you are saying as your story is similar in the way I behaved at your age.  I had a boyfriend at age 15 who I litterally grew out of when I was 17 but he would not leave.  He just would not go and he would cry so I stuck with it as everyone thought he was really nice.  I guess really nice was not what I was looking for but I let everyone push me into marrying him.  Well I acted out alright, I regret now my behavior.  I should have been strong enough to find someone to talk it out with but I always did what others thought I should and it ended very sadly for both of us after 7 years.

Right now you need professional help and don't hold back with your therapist.

As for the boyfriend,  you are not ready to make a commitment, you just feel insecure and unsure. Leave him out of the picture for now and perhaps in the future you will get back together but you both need to work out your own problems.

Bless you and know we care.

Kitt