Depression,Cancer and all the crap

As some of you know i have been getting treatment for a while now for all of the above .

This past month i have seen the drs so many times .The results from the recent tests are in and they are not good ( thats doesn`t surprise me somehow )

The recents tests have confirmed a new agressive cancer .They tell me i need more plastic surgery but am so worried as i`m not happy with the results from the first lot .

I`m suppose to see my oncologist next week as i just could not go back there this week .I only got home a few days ago and just could not turn around and go back .

So much or christmas this year we don`t even have the tree up this year i just have not had the energy to put it up and everyone else is just too darn lazy to do it .I just do not feel like celebrating very much at all .

The drs here has doubled the morphine for pain control and when i take it i feel so good i`m amazed at how much i can achieve in a couple of hours ( just the housework ) but then by the time lunch time arrives i`m back to being so sick again all i can do is lie down and sleep usually for about four hours .

Tonight i`m looking after two little boys they are here with me at present all but asleep they are no trouble whatso ever and infact have missed them so much .

I didn`t have any pai relief today knowing i was going to come up to their home tonight but i feel as though it`s going to be a very long night .

Snowflake

My dear Snowflake,

It is so nice to hear from you. And I am happy that you have the boys to watch.

We are all praying for you right now. If you dont' feel like putting up the tree, then just let it go. There will be many other Christmasses. I promise that.

I sure hope that you feel better soon. And that everything works out for you. You hold a special place in my heart. I will never forget how you were there for me a couple of months ago.

Luv and hugs, Karen

I am tired just too tired to keep fighting .

I finally arrived home at about 11:20 last night but it was a good break away from my home and i do so love those two little guys the littles one pestered his mum today until she bought him up to my house for a while .

I actually fell asleep while up there something i have never done befroe when looking after others little ones eventhough it was only for a short time it was a bit of a shock for me to of done that .

Today i had to take my daughter down to where she works as the boss wanted to talk to her as it turned out she didn`t do what she was asked to do last night ( why it never surprises me of hearing this .)I just told her boss she is exactly like it at home all the time .I was just so sick and tired i didn`t need her winging to me all morning about whay i told her boss then tonight she told hubby what i said .He then told her that it was up to her to change it noone else .( i had a bit of a laugh to myself as she expected him to go crook one me for saying it .

Tomorrow i will set them out to put up the tree as it really doesn`t bother me if we do or don`t have one and as for presents would you believe the only two gifts we have bought so far are the two youngest ones thats all .I have not felt in the mood for shopping and even hubby told the others christmas will be put on hold this christmas until we see how things go at the drs on wednesday .

Just thought i would send a quick reply as now i`m going to try and get some sleep hopefully tomorrow i will have a bit more energy to get things done .

Take care one and all .

Snowflake

Hi Snowflake,

I know it is easy for me to say, but try not to think too far ahead and try not to think the worst, You will know more next time you see the doctor. try to take one day at a time until then.

It pretty hard not to think what lies down the track especially when it will mos certainly change a lot of things .
This year christmas will be very low keyed as we are just not sure what the new year will bring and how much we can afford .
One thing is now maybe the kids might realise just how serious things are ...but then again going by my sons comments when we went out for coffee this morning it`s just a laughing matter to them ,or maybe their way of handeling things i am really not sure .
I `m not looking forward now to spending christmas with the inlaws would just rather stay home alone but i know thats not going to happen .
As it is i just do not want to do anything ,cook clean even the simpliest things are just so hard .
I do not want to go to my dr here and talk to him about how i`m really feeling as i know he will want to put me back on meds again and i just don`t want that .For now the morphine and valium and the occassional sleeping pill are getting me through as for what happens in each day i am just taking it as it comes not much else i can do .Just when i would like to talk to someone i have no one here .I`m frightened as to the outcome and if i even want to go through it all .
Snowflake

Stkitt i sent you an email i hope it went through
Snowflake

Thanks Karen i just thing=k its a lot of not knowing whats ahead and how it`s going to effect me ,Dealing with the cancer has been really difficult given the fact i`m finding it extreemily hard to cope with the depression and all that has happened.These past few weeks have been really hard and am finding it increasingly hard to be motivated to do anything .All i want to do is lie down but as soon as i dissappear for a few moments someone is eother knocking on my door wondering where i am or are making so much noise it`s impossible to get some rest .
My past ,my depression and now the cancer is making it just so hard and the htought of what lies ahead is all just too much for me to handle atm .
I manage to do the washing but thats as far as it goes dinner is cooked most nights but then by the time meal times come around i just do not feel like eating .
I wake up each morning feeling just so sick i don`t want to get up and would just love to stay in bed for the day but i know it`s just not possible as my house would never get cleaned .
Snowflake

Karen yesterday i decided to go to bed .I had so many interruptions from the two kids here i thought whats the point of it all .Anyway i just stayed on my bed and finally fell asleep i was still asleep at 8pm when hubby came home .
I had dinner cooking in the slow cookr so i didnt have to worry about cooking .After dinner i went back to bed i was just so tired and in so much pain .
This morning i got up still feeling unwell and when i went out to the kitchen was shocked to find everything where i had left it .
They couldn`t even pack the dirty dishes in the washer or even bother to place the remainder of the meal in the fridge so i had to do it all .
I have spent the morning in tears it`s been a while since i have been this low ,Afriend dropped in to wish me merry christmas and i was just so upset .
She does understand and has gone through a lot in her life our boys have grown up together and although i do not like some of the things she lets her boys do my son sees what the results of them are and has often told me he doesn`t want to stay there because of it but still they are the greatest of mates .I just do not like talking to anyone from here about my problems as everyone talks at some stage and i`m the one who always seems to end up being hurt .
I am washing today again but think i will lie down again this afternoon just to have some time to myself .
I think now hubby has heard from the drs about the cancers he is a bit more understanding but then he is only here for a few days a week due to work .
Snowflake .

Oh Karen what a day .Have spent just about the hole time in tears .I had to see the dr and he is concerned that i need someone to talk to .He suggested a councillor but i just don`t want to go there again and i told him no to the anti depressants i just have had enough of them and their effects directly and indirectly on me .I think he understands but not so sure .As i told him i have seem so many drs and am at the stage i just don`t know what to do .like everyone says he did also dont worry but then it`s me sitting on this side of the fence not him .I can go and talk to him anytime he said it`s not a problem but to me it is .
I come home this ferral child has music blaring in every room she can i am so close to telling hubby that i`m not going with them for christmas i just want to be on my own .I know if i do tell him there will be arguements left and right it`s just the kids i don`t want to be around not him .
As for lying down today it`s just not going to happen unless i totally knock myself out it`s so easy to do believe me .But instead i have so many things that have to be done .
tonights tea will be ever so simple and i`m going to bed with the concoction of pills the dr told me to take all of which i was ever so weary of mixing but he knows best .Karen as for doing something just for me well i`m sorry it has to wait for another day now .
Snowflake

Morning Karen,Yet another night witout much sleep even with the med mixture the dr prescribed i thought it would of certainly knocked me out and here it was well before six am and i was awake.Aleady my head is thumping and the old stomach churning not the best of ways to start what is going to be an extremly busy day.
Last night it talked to hubby about a few things including my fears about the cancer and upcoming surgery he understands fully my fears and said infact he was concerned as to the outcome also .I asked him to talk to the kids about their behaviour as i had told him that after todays delightful treatment from one certain person that i was finding it just so hard to cope .Not sure he did or not but supppose today will tell .
And you are right Karen i know i wont stay home alone even though i would dearly love to but did tell hubby i would just prefer to this time .
Oh what i would give for some snow the heat here is making things hard but after 30yrs out here ou would recon that i would be use to the heat of the Aussie summers but maybe it`s just an age thingy where my tollerance isn`t what it normally would be.
Well i had better head off i have a bit to do today ans the sooner i get it done the sooner i get to lie down before we go .
Snowflake

Snowflake,

I just found your email in my spam so I will answer it tonight.......I am so sorry I just found it.  I here for you my dear friend. I understand, I truly do.

Love

Kitt

Hi Snowflake,

I am so glad to hear from you. I am sorry that you didn't feel good over the holidays. But it seems that your mil was very understanding and I am glad that you were able to rest.

I think about you often. I know that we talk sometimes on facebook (though I am not very good at it), but , feel free to email me at anytime. I would love to hear from you.

I hope that you are having a better day. And I too am glad that the holidays are over. Though it went well. We did our Christmas early with the kids, so Christmas day was nice and quiet.

Have a good day,
hugs, Karen

Hi Snowflake,

You still get a lot done for not feeling good. I have been sick with a cold and my dishes seemed like they were stacked to the ceiling. I got them done today plus some vacuuming. But still not feeling that great. Just couldn't stand to look at them anymore. My hb has been doing all of the cooking. Plus did some laundry. He is so good at helping when I am sick, the problem is that he is sick too. We both have the same crud.

I am sorry that your kids aren't haelping. Maybe like you said, when they don't get their tea they will do something. Do you ever ask them or tell them to pitch in? Or have you already tried that? You would think that at the age that they are at, that they would see that you need help with things. I would hate for them to say later "if only we would have helped". I wish they could see it now. For your sake.

We have had some pretty crappy weather. It rained for two days on top of the snow. Today the sun came out for a while. Then it got cloudy and cold. The wind got bad, it was like a blizzard. I can't believe how the temperature drops around here. I wish that we could catch a break. That would be so nice. It could be a very long winter.

I guess that all I can say is one day at a time for all of us. That is about the only thing that we can do. We are coming up to the hardest time of the year. I know that we will all be there to help eachother.

Best wishes for you to have a lovely day.

Hugs, Karen