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Apathetic Pdoc

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Posted 1/22/2009 6:49 AM (GMT 0)
This is my first post. I am glad to have found this site. I have nowhere else to go anymore. Nowhere. It's my own fault i can't talk to anyone- there are plenty of people there. I think the only reason i can talk here is because i feel like I am talking to myself. And that's a safe thing.
So anyways, I was diagnosed with dysthalmia at the age of 13. I developed an eating disorder at age 15. I was diagnosed with major depression after a mental breakdown when i was 17. Then they told me I had borderline personality disorder. And general anxiety disorder. And mix in some chronic insomnia to the mix. Is it possible that it can get worse? Because I feel that way.
I go back to college in a few days. I am so depressed and so on edge, i don't know what to do anymore. Something bad is going to happen. I just know it. I can feel it. Things can't stay this way. Every day, i ask myself "how can i make it through this day? How can anyone expect me to?!" I can't even think about making it through the week, it's inconceivable. And every morning, when i wake up, i feel like I'm dying, and I'm just sad I'm not already dead. Because the only comforting thought that puts me to sleep each night is the delusion that I will never have to wake up again. And you'd think it would get easier, feeling this way 24/7, but it just piles on top and gets heavier and heavier.
I want the miracle drug. I KNOW there is one out there for me. My pdoc will only give me SSRI antidepressants even though I tell him they don't work on me. I've tried them all, practically. Right now, I am on paxil, depakote, xanax, and ambien. I want to try a TCA, but he wont hear it. Too many side effects. Shouldn't that be my concern? he won't listen to me. And I take the depakote, but it messes me up bad. And mix in the xanax, i can barely move. I tell my doctor it's not helping, and he ups the dose. It's like he already knows what he's gonna do before i say anything. I try to talk to him about some things I've read about, some more unorthodox treatment methods for unresponsive patients. But he won't even consider. There is no way for me to get through to him, and no way for him to help me.
I had an appointment today. I tried to tell him things were getting harder; weirder. I'm starting to notice things. Things that don't make sense. I know things that just can't be. I'm afraid I'm losing it. Nothing is making sense to me anymore. I don't know why this is happening to me.
I know that there is a right thing to do now. There is something I am supposed to do. But I don't even know what my choices are. Staying home is not an option. Things get worse on that route- I've tried it. Talking to friends isn't an option; i see what they thing of me, i feel it. I could not bare it if the situation got worse. Talking to the rents will only cause more pain and suffering. There is an answer, but i don't know what it is, and I'm afraid i will live like this until i die.
Posted 1/22/2009 7:21 AM (GMT 0)

I had an apathetic Pdoc in my teen years who totally doped and dosed me up and ignored my pleas for help- he made me be a zombie, walked around in a fog, with full body tremors..

My best advice is to find another Pdoc- can you get a referral to someone else who might take your feelings into consideration?

Hang in there,

Maz XX

Posted 1/22/2009 8:36 AM (GMT 0)
Heeja,

As mazfire already said, is it possible to go to another doctor? Maybe he or she can give you the meds you want.

Just this week I read an article on Borderline Personality Disorder. Cognitive behaviour Therapy (CBT) seems to work with a lot of patients who suffer from BPD. Maybe there is a facility that provides CBT in your neighbourhood, I think it is worth giving a shot. Because that wonderdrug might exist, but there are still other options as well.

All the very best!
Erik
Posted 1/22/2009 1:48 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning and Welcome to HealingWell.  I am Kitt.  I have two friend with Borderline Personality Disorder and I know how much they go through. For those not familiar with this disorder:

Borderline personality disorder is a disturbance of certain brain functions that causes four types of behavioral disturbances:

1. poorly regulated and excessive emotional responses;
2. harmful impulsive actions;
3. distorted perceptions and impaired reasoning; and
4. markedly disturbed relationships.

SYMPTOMS

1. Excessive, unstable and poorly regulated emotional responses.

2. Impulsive behaviors that are harmful to you or to others.

3. You may have an inaccurate view of yourself and others, and experience a high level of suspiciousness and other misperceptions.

4. Finally, you may experience tumultuous and very unstable relationships.

TREATMENTS

There are six key elements of care that directly bear on the effectiveness of the treatment you receive for borderline disorder. These include your level of commitment to treatment, locating a skilled primary clinician, determining the most appropriate level of care for you, evaluating your need for medication, and selecting the type of psychotherapy and support group that will be most effective for you.

Medications play three very important roles in the treatment of most patients with borderline disorder. They are effective in reducing the four major groups of symptoms of the disorder. They thereby enhance the rate and quality of improvement derived from psychotherapy. Finally, medications are effective in treating other emotional disorders that frequently are associated with borderline disorder, for example, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and ADHD, and physical disorders such as migraine headaches.

Psychotherapy is also an important component of your treatment program. A number of different psychotherapeutic approaches appear to be effective in the treatment of borderline disorder. These include supportive, psychodynamic and modified psychoanalytic therapy, interpersonal therapy, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), and a variety of group and family therapies. Reference: Mayo Clinic

People with this disorder can live a productive life. There are many advocacy groups dedicated to increasing knowledge about, and reducing the stigma associated with borderline disorder.

I am going to post here some of the top online personality links on the web IMHO.

Mayo Clinic

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562

National Instititute Mental Health

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html

The following site has been developed by consumers in order to provide information about DBT (Dialectical behavioural Therapy)

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Please do not give up on you.  The world is a better place because you live and serve with in it.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Posted 1/22/2009 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the board! You will find this place very welcoming as you can already see.....I would also suggest seeing another Dr if it's possible....If you can get connected with the right people and place you can get the help and treament you so very need....There is still hope out there and I hope you can find the strength to not give up and keep going....I know how frustrating it can be....Hang in there!
Posted 1/22/2009 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
Are you on a mood stablizer? It sounds like that is what you need. There are many different ones. Talk to your doctor about that. My sister was having hallucinations and they put her on seroquil and she says that is helping.

I hope that you get some help soon. Like said above, try a different doctor. You need more help than this one is giving you.

Oh yes, welcome to the depression forum.

hugs, Karen
Posted 1/22/2009 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Not entirely clear from the post, but it sounds like you're still not sleeping even though you're on Ambien. If that's the case, I would say find someone to treat the sleep deprivation first. If your psychiatrist isn't helping, perhaps you could try a neurologist for the sleep issues. Also, there are both neurologists & behavioral prescribing psychologists who are Sleep Medicine Specialists and they can do sleep studies, write meds & make recommendations for how you can finally start getting some decent sleep. I can say for sure for me that everything started to seem better once I was getting plenty of sleep everyday. It gave me a break from having to think about everything 24/7, a chance to recharge for the next day & it actually helped my other medications work better. Usually if you explain to them that you are experiencing severe sleep deprivation & your symptoms they can get you an emergency appointment within a few days.

A new pdoc is probably in order. There *are* psychiatrists out there who do take patient reactions to meds into account. I want to encourage you that it's worth the effort to find someone who will listen to you & take your reactions to the meds into account. Is your psychiatrist also providing therapy or do you have a separate counselor? If you have a separate counselor maybe you can ask if s/he knows any good psychiatrists.

good luck to you!
frances
Posted 1/28/2009 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for the advice. It made my day to see that people actually took what I had to say seriously, people who don't even know me. I will definitely take into consideration the suggestions.
Posted 1/28/2009 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
When I was in University going to school, it was probably one of the hardest times I had with getting enough sleep. My insomnia was worst than usual.. with the stress of deadlines and classes.

I've found the one thing that has helped me the most is getting enough sleep, and making sure I get enough exercise - I didn't get the help I needed when I was in school and ended up dropping out.

I know how it feels to talk on a forum - its less personal - more informational.. I can read, re read, edit and work on my posts... if only I could do the same things when talking to people :P

I suspect I have borderline... since I've lived a life full of unhealthy coping although I've never been diagnosed, what I've learned from my experiences is to realize that the only person I can control is me, the only person who I can change their minds about something is me, the only person I have power over is me... and with that I've been trying to work out the problems I have with people, not the problems they have with me... since I find that I often view things incorrectly.. I do a lot of introspection.

Don't worry EL, you're not alone.. I know how hard it is to have nobody listening.. or worst nobody understanding.

Take Care of yourself,

Everybody here gave you excellent advice.

- Corrie

(I said "me" way too many times in that one paragraph... I hope it makes sense.)
Posted 1/28/2009 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
I understand what you are saying, the only thing that we can control is ourselves. It makes life so much more simpler when we learn to accept that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/31/2009 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Lubricant, I am not a doc of course but your symptoms and my symptoms are very similar. I was diagnosed with Mixed Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, OCD and PTSD. Even though I am on meds, I still wake up some days and get angry because I actually woke up to see another day. I hate going through life like this and just want some sense of normalcy again. I too had a Pdoc that could give a crap less about my opinion or my input into my treatment. I would take extensive notes about my symptoms between visits and I would give them to him at the beginning of each session. He wouldn't even glance at them and just lay them to the side of his desk and go on writing his notes as if I wasn't even there sitting in front of him. I felt like he wasn't helping me at all- I was having awful med side effects but he would never prescribe what I asked him to put me on- meds that I have taken before that I KNOW work for me- Haldol, Depakote and Serzone. I finally got fed up and left his practice and am now going to see a new doc this coming Thursday- she is female and much more understanding from what I have been told. I just want to say good luck to you and please find you another Pdoc that will HELP you.
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