son depressed after break up, how do I help him

Dear Sunshineno1, reading your letter makes me want to cry. I sure feel for this boy, makes me wonder what she said happened to their relationship, did she just fall out of love with him, or was another boy involved. I know that is what happened with my son, they were so happy a couple of months ago, she wouldn't leave him alone, together all the time. She spent Christmas with us, everything seemed great. I know some boy was showing her attention and she decided she was just too young to settle down. My son didn't want to know, he didn't ask too many questions, he didn't want to be hurt anymore than he was,he has alot of pride. Sounds like the boy is starting to accept that the relationship is over, that was so great what he said, she will remember that, and maybe in the future she will want to try again. You are so right about the boy giving her space and not seeming pathetic, he needs to get involved in as many things as he can, someone that is confident is so much more attractive, if not for your daughter, for some other girl. My son has his music, he plays guitar and drums and is in a band so he has that to really help. After the break up he wouldn't even play his music, wouldn't eat, or sleep, so its so wonderful to see him doing those things and he even went out with a girl last night, haven't heard how it went yet, but hopefully it was good. Keep up the good work, sounds like you are giving him great advice, and he is so lucky to have you. I'm so glad that your daughter has you too, its probably hard for her too, and you're right, our kids are so lucky to parents that care so much, and they know that.

Hi Lisa,
I know exactly how you feel, I thought my son and his girlfriend would get married someday too, its so hard to see them go through this. Its a little easier on me this time because my son is at home, so I can see him everyday and see if he is o.k. The first break up he went through, he was in college, and I know how hard it must be for you to be away from him. I hated it too, you just want to hold them and tell them it will be o.k. in time, but they don't want to hear that.
I feel for you, I couldn't eat or sleep too, its like I lost something too. I just hate to see my son hurting. He's sitting here with me, has no idea I'm doing this, but we need people to talk to too. He has gone on a few dates with this girl that he says they are just friends, but he still looks pitiful to me, quiet. My son doesn't want to talk about it either, I guess its just too painful, he would rather just try to forget, I know he can't, because they feel like what is wrong with me, when he is just great, it will take time for him to realize that again. Do you think he would read a book about break ups, it might help him get through it, you could get him a book, or you could read it and give him advice. My son is laughing at a show right now, you can't imagine what a wonderful sound that is. Lisa, you and I sound alot alike, I feel for you, and hope that you can find some ways to help him and you. Keep calling him and checking in, maybe he will feel like talking in time, its just too raw right now, but let him know how much you care, I'm sure he knows that. I know you say he is alone now, but he has you, and I know he is so greatful. Whenever you feel like talking I will be here, take care.

Lisa,
It is so nice to talk to you too. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to be sad or mad at her, i'm still feeling that way too. We live in a small town, so I don't know what I will do when I see her. I feel like she just threw away the best thing that could have happened to her. I don't know how you can love someone one week and then not the next, he didn't see this coming at all, they got along perfect. I knew another boy was involved, my son found out about him last week, so that kind of got it all going again, so he's been more quiet lately. I think the one thing that kept him going was thinking she would come back to him. Now knowing it won't happen has got him upset again. He is also wondering why she would choose the boy she did. He was a friend on my son's basketball team when he was in school, kind of turned into a loser lately, he's on drugs, doesn't have a license, so he doesn't understand why she would choose him. I think some girls need more drama, so really when it is said and done, he's alot better off without her. Time heals, when he lost his first true love, he wouldn't say anything bad about her, thought she was an angel, did nothing wrong, now he see's her alot different. So in time he will see this relationship differently too.
When you talk about your son I can see what a wonderful person he must be too. His ego is really hurting right now, his whole life plans have changed and he doesn't know what to do now. I sure wish he had some friends to talk to, do you think he keeps in contact with friends from home. My son ended up dropping out of college, after his first break up, he just couldn't keep his mind off things, he regrets it so much now, he let her do that to him. Your son will make it thru this, time heals, he really needs to keep busy, focus on school, keep his mind off of it as much as possible, and in time he will think of it less and less. He can start fresh when he transfers to a new school.
I know I sound so much more positive now, it took me a while to get to this point, I made myself sick too. I still get that sinking feeling every time I hear him come home, wondering how he will be. Will he be happy or sad, he is just quiet now, not the same, but I can tell he is so much better. I will pray that your son finds his way too, he will, sounds like he has alot to offer the right girl, and he will find her. Maybe just send him a card telling him everything you want to say, then he doesn't have to talk, but he knows how much you care. I think it will help you to write it all down, and encourage him too. Tell him you will give him space if he wants it, but that you are there at anytime to talk, or a text just to let you know he's o.k. I will sure keep you guys in my thoughts, I totally understand, keep me updated.

Lisa, this all sounds so familiar, like were reading from the same book. After 2 years dating my son, I felt it was all too easy for her. He and I don't see how it could be so easy, I know people can grow apart, but not this quickly when everything was fine a few weeks earlier. I know how girls think. She had other options going on, and I fear that your son's girlfriend is the same. Someone is showing them attention, and they want a change, maybe it is getting a little boring, they want excitement. My son grew up in a household where his parents loved each other, very content, we put each others happiness first. and that is the way he is. She on the other hand comes from a very disfunctional home, so giving up so easy seems normal to her. I wish she would have decided she didn't love my son before he spent so much money on her, gifts, trips.
You sound like you have a wonderful son, so dedicated, wow, wouldn't that be what every mother in law would want, does she want someone that is wild and unpredicatable. I hope they haven't made your son feel like its his fault, and for her mother to say that just makes me mad. She should keep her nose out of it, your son is hurting, she should understand that. He sounds awesome, she is going to realize that some day. Our son's are loyal, loving, guys and would never cheat, I think these girls have alot of lessons to learn. If they go to counseling, it sounds like maybe she is still willing to try, is that what I am hearing? How do you feel about that. Do you want them to get back together? In my son's situation I don't, i'm so afraid that she is going to come crawling, when her new guy dumps her. I want him to go on with his life. I guess I'm mad at her,I don't trust her, but I know my son would take her back. He didn't change his status on my space until a few days ago, and he wrote divorced in the space, I guess thats how he feels.
I'm so glad you will get to see your son on friday, you'll get to see for yourself that he is o.k. It will get better, I have learned that, I was a nervous wreck in the beginning, but now things are looking up. You just don't want this to change our boys, my daughter and her friends mentioned, oh no, he's going to become one of those jerky guys, that doesn't want to get hurt again, put up a shell, but with my son I can't imagine that happening, he's just so sweet, I know I biased. Take care Lisa

Hi Momz,

You posted on a very old post. I hope that you get some replies. I wanted to welcome you though to the forum.

It is so hard to not worry about our children even after they have left home and are on to college. I think that it is when we worry the most because we can't always be there. I am sorry this has happened to your son. And I hope it doesn't effect his schooling. He has to focus on school now nomatter what is going on in his life.

If his girlfriend is hanging around a different type of people and is acting totally out of her character, then she is easily influenced by other people it sounds like. Maybe she is immature. Not even realizing she is hurting your son.

I think maybe you should be there for him, but let him learn from this experience. I know, easier said than done. But let him know that you are there for him. Try to keep him focussed on school. I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen

PS  Feel free to start a new thread about your situation.  All you do is click on "new topic" and go from there.  I fear this older thread may go unnoticed.

How do you logoff this site?

I'd love to hear how your son is doing after 2 break ups. My son is 19 just moved on campus and his girlfriend is there too. They've dated for 2 years and now college is a new chapter and she wants to party and he doesn't. He can't stop thinking about her. Is afraid he's gonna see her on campus. But all his friends are there. He's overwhelmed with his new classes the new schedule. I'm worried he's getting depressed. What should I do?

my son is 20 and going through the same thing at the moment. it is the hardest thing in the world to see your son hurting , i know .he very confused as only the day before the break up she was texting saying how much she loved him and could,nt wait to see him then next day she turned up at his house and ended it .all we can do is be there for them and just listen and let them get it all off their chests. i sincerly hope yourself and your son get through this as i am sure you will . i finding the hardest thing for me is the fact my son is miles away as he is at uni ..stay strong for your son and yourself x

Thanks for posting Amy. I know that the thread is old, but I am glad it helped. Hope to see you post on more recent threads.

Hugs...

Hi Helsbels60,

Welcome to the forum. What you described is so sad. And I am sorry. But you and your son will both recover in time. You need to grieve the situation.

It is difficult when somebody you care for so much isn't in your life anymore. Especially if you two became close..

Did she have good reason? Is she not coming to where you live anymore?

Maybe you can console your son and he you. Maybe you can do some things together to keep each other's minds busy and not thinking about the sadness of the situation. I know it is hard.

Hang in there. Work with the grief. Keep posting, it helps to get your feelings down.

I hope that things get better.

Hugs, Karen...

My son who is 19 and a freshman in college is going through a similar break-up. His first girlfriend of about a year broke up with him yesterday and is already dating someone else. My son doesn't have many friends (no close ones) and this girl was his world. He lives at home and commutes to school which is something he chose because of this girl. He's not a talker in general but I let him cry it out and he did tell me she was dating someone else. I got the number of the college counseling services and gave it to him. He has been struggling with other issues of depression and anxiety that I know contributed to this breakup but ultimately he and the girl are at different points in their lives. This morning he didn't want to get out of bed to go to class but I forced him. Any updated advice to help us through this?

I know this was an old post but hopefully someone can help me. My son s girlfriend also broke up with him. They have dated for 2 years in high school. She was his everything. I think she got him through a lot cause he had lost his dad in 7th grade. I hate seeing him like this. As a mom I just want to fix it for him. Any ideas to help him. I loved the influence she had on him. She took him to church and they seemed to be best friends. Valentine’s Day was 2 days ago and she had made him a nice valentines card homemade—I loved her too. They were so good together. Never fought. My guess is she felt too smothered with him. He really wanted to go out with her 24/7 and she had started a new job and just started to drive and really liked it. I think he felt a little resentment that they weren’t spending as much time together as they did. I ultimately think that may have been it. Unfortunately he has to get through these next 3 months if school before he graduates high school. His grades are failing already. Please help with any advice thanks

My son is 26 yrs old he has recently been told by his girlfriend of 5yrs that she no longer loves him ‘spark is gone’ He has suffered from mild depression in past when they had quarrels but now he is sinking slowly, he blames himself saying he should have been more attentive and supportive and that he is not worthy. He is a fantastic person would always give her whatever she wanted or asked for, was always ready to help in any way, up until days before the breakup she was with him arranging a holiday paid by him, and suddenly she dropped the bombshell, the first two days he was adamant he could win her back if he changed but she has told him in no uncertain terms there is no way ....I don’t know what to do to help and I worry he will sink into bad depression