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Posted 2/2/2009 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
I didnt know what to do, I've been writing, but I need something that will provide feedback, so I came here.

Im more depressed right now than almost ever. Im so angry at the world and I dont know why. How logical is that, to be angry at the world, its not like the world stole my lunch money..Metaphorically speaking the world beat me up, shoved me in the mud, and ran me over with a bus. That seems exaggerated, but remember, this is MY head and feelings we are dealing with.

Im at school..my last class of the day. But in my last class, Im sure I had an anxiety attack. I had to leave because I was starting to cry...I cried some, foricibly holding the tears back. But, I couldnt help it. Everything just seems so dark to me. I have goals and dreams but I lack a vision of the future...

I tried talking to my teacher, no good. I told my best friend, he was all ears for me. He's totally there for me. He pretty religious, I am not...but he told me to pray and ask for help. Im so desperate, I prayed last night and I did exactly that. I asked for help, for guidance.

I think I have something good with my friend. As I mentioned, it's a guy. And...I kind of like him! ..(alot).. We are with each other alot, so thats my source of cheer!

Im just so angry at everything and I dont know why. Someone says the wrong thing, my dog not doing what I wish she would do...its all things that are my own fault and I just get angry for, really, no reason at all. I hate myself for it, but I cant control it..(maybe I just tell myself that I cant)...

Im really not sure what to do with myself.. After school I will most likely go see my friend and get a big hug. Because I really need a big hug right now... So..anyways, thanks for listening to me vent..

Posted 2/2/2009 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
Ah, the school years. They are tough. Your brain and hormones are in major shifts and a lot of what you feel is just part of that process and hard to control. Kids can be cruel and rude and hurtful. The guy sounds like just what you need right now. You should always try to be around positive influences and hang on to thoughts of those people when they're not right there. No matter how dark certain moments or days or weeks may seem, you have to remember that this too shall pass. You will find your way. It will be ok.

Positive Thoughts!
Posted 2/2/2009 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,

This is such a hard time of the year. Everybody gets a little down. Some moreso than others. It is the season. But it wont be long and and things will start looking up.

Have you hooked up with a counselor yet? That really helped you last year a lot. So I would think about it. I know that it isn't easy for you, but I know that you can do it.

I am so happy that you have a friend that you can talk to. It is always nice to have somebody that you can confide in. So hang on to that.

I hope that your day gets better for you. I know how you are feeling. But you will make it. One day at a time. That is the best that we can do. Relax with your thoughts about the future. That will work itself out. You will make the right decisions I know.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/2/2009 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
I've been active on the Fibro forum and a little bit on the Lyme forum.  Maybe I'm getting ready to deal more with the depression and anxiety issues cause I've started watching this forum a little too.  I was touched by your post and I think it's because I'm trying to sort out some things for the future. 

As far as why you are angry - have you read anything on the grief cycle?  It's something that all people - everywhere - go thru when they suffer a loss.  We all move thru the grief stages at our own pace and in our own way.  Basically it s a process of shock - disbelief - anger - bargaining - and then acceptance.  We just can't deal with big losses all at once.  It'd probably be discouraging to make up a list of your losses - but they are many. 

It's not surprising that you are in the anger stage.  The problem comes when we get stuck in one phase and can't move on to acceptance.  For example - when my wife developed a seizure disorder she spent 3 1/2 years stuck between disbelief and anger.  A very difficult time for me and I think now I should have tried more to get into counseling.  Tho - it does seem to be true that people stuck in disbelief (denial) don't think they need to see a therapist and pretty much won't go.  They tend to get angry if you "push" them to go (see the pattern?). 

Do you have a Dr., social worker, or therapist you could talk to?  Most of the grief cycle isn't about being logical so please don't beat yourself up about it.  These forums are great .... but interacting with someone in person is much better.  It helps to talk about it and let it all out.

As I try to sort out finances for the future, I have some disbelief and anger - and I'm doing a whole ton of bargaining.  I'm thinking it's about time for me to make another appt. with my therapist.

Please hang in there - and stay positive.

 

Posted 2/2/2009 11:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Christi,

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))).  This is Kitt :)

Remember that anger is not wrong as it is a normal human emotion. We are born with the ability to feel anger.

There are times when we should get angry and stand up for our rights or the rights of others who cannot do it for themselves.

It is when this anger is not controlled that we get into trouble so please don’t let your anger consume you.

Get that hug you need from your friend and believe that this is just a bad time for you and it will turn as you are strong and letting out the tears is good.

I have been driving my car just trying to get home to let out the tears but they have a mind of their own.........and they just start running down my face. That is when I feel the saddest is when I can't control my emotions.

So it is back to the moment and no more beating myself up for crying.......give yourself permission to shed tears of anger and sadness of lonliness and pain. It is OK.

Take care my young friend.
Kitt
Posted 2/3/2009 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Appreciate the responses.

The only difference between today and yesterday is that Im not as angry. I have no reason to be. I dont understand, I think just because Im tired of dealing with life and I just want to have a fit, breakdown, and cry. I want to quit. Thats it. As simple as that. Im tired, I just want to give up. Im being forced forward and I just want to stop. I know the world doesnt work like that, but I dont feel like Im a part of your world. I have been very quiet lately and lack emotion at all. All I want to do is cry. I just need some time away from everything..

I dont want to. I dont want to continue. This isnt some teenager thing, its not some thing I can just get over. Its not simple. I dont feel like Im a part of life, I dont want to be. I want to give up and get away. Im just so incredibly sad and depressed. More than ever. Someone talks to me and I just shrug my shoulders and turn and walk away, just like with life. I cant understand. I cant tell myself or prove to myself that fighting is worth it. I know it is, but why.... I just dont care anymore.

For no reason. Why do I feel this way? who knows... Its nothing that can be easily fixed, I know that. It never is.... I just feel really calm and just like, "whatever" to everything... thats how I feel. Maybe I have great potential. Maybe I will succeed. Maybe I will do something great with my life. But, Im not feeling it right now...

Im totally venting because I just want to get out my feelings and my thoughts. I have nothing else to do. But, I suppose that is everything, theres really nothing else for me to say right now... Thanks for everything.
Posted 2/3/2009 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
Christi,

It is good to vent and get your feelings out. I am glad that you feel safe enough to come here and do that. It will help you to feel better. Just don't give up. We are here for you. I know that you are not a quitter, but I think that it wouldn't hurt for you to have some you time to just relax and breathe.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 2/4/2009 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
I have decided that today is going to be a good day and that I am not allowed to feel down no matter what happens.

I went to a play last night with my English class. A Comedy of Errors, Shakespear! It was really good! And my teacher let me know while we were there that I made a 100 on my last poetry analysis paper. These are super hard and I have been trying since November to make a 100 on a paper! Thats BIG news! We have a class period to write it, with no knowledge of what poem she will give us...and its an in-depth (VERY) analysis. But, that means ALOT to me! I've worked really hard for that! So, I was very proud of myself!  We do papers constently for practice for the AP Exam in May...

Also, I feel good about my Calculus test I took yesterday. Hopefully we will grade them today and I will find out how I did, but I feel okay about it..I checked it multiple times.. So... we'll see!

Also, I know that no matter what, Im going to continue on so I should make every effort to make continuing on as pleasant as I can.. Im trying not to dwell. I also feel okay about a speech I have to give tomorrow. Im even considering giving part of it in Latin! But, we'll see... Im going to try to relax and work on my graphic designs. I will have to show you guys sometime..I would like to hope you all would be impressed!

Thanks for all the support! 

Posted 2/4/2009 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
I would very much like to see some of your graphic designs. Since I haven't been able to be physically active, I've been doing some 3D modeling and rendering them into pictures. I guess it's "right brain" activity but it is non-tiring and very soothing.
Posted 2/4/2009 6:21 PM (GMT 0)
Absolutely, I sat in the recliner on my laptop for 10 hours straight Sunday! I didnt move for anything! Food, drink, bathroom, etc! lol I learn stuff by just messing aroun with it so, I messed around with Photoshop for a while..

BTW! Like I stated before, I made a 100 on my English paper! AND AND AND I made a 97 on my Calculus test!!!!!! Ahh...that makes me SO happy! AND I have to do a discussion tomorrow for English, and I am planning on doing part of it in Latin! How cool would that be!

I wore my bright aqua shirt today to remind myself that today is my happy day! I have to be uplifted today, so far, so good! *big sigh*

Im feeling better today, obviously. Thanks for all the support through the hard times. The past couple of days I havent cared about anything and even the fact that I have so many people who care about me and I have so many good qualities...that didnt mean anything to me.. But, I feel better today(knock on wood) and I can see. Im not being stubborn today, I see that people care. That I am not alone. That I can do whatever I want in life! I am good at alot of things and I think I can do good things in the world. (I have a smile on my face like Im surrounded by people who are smiling at me with pride) Thats how I invision this moment anyways! lol

Thanks again!
Posted 2/4/2009 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey tennis,

I just read this post and I can totally relate to how you feel pretty much down to the T....I'm glad that your feeling better and it's just always nice to come here and know that your not alone even if it is bad things we are feeling....I hope things keep looking up for you!
Posted 2/4/2009 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
turn  

Christi,

I am so happy for you.  Words can't even express how happy I am.  And to think that you are excited about speech, I know that you are doing good.  That is fantastic.  I think I told you that speech was the reason I didn't  finish college.  I was just too scared.  I am happy to know that you aren't going to let it stand in your way.  I am, as everybody else, so proud of you!!!!

I think that it is cool that you went to the play and that you saw your teacher.  Also that she told you that you got 100% on your test.  And knowing that you got such a good grade on cacalus.  That is totally fantastic. 

Christi, I can't stress enough how happy I am for you.  Your posts just made my day. 

Luv and hugs, Karen

Posted 2/4/2009 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
Christi,

I am glad you are feeling better, and you are doing very well in school.

Olivia
Posted 2/5/2009 7:10 AM (GMT 0)
There is something I will need to explain to you all tomorrow(today its actually 1 a.m. where I am) at a later time... I need to update u all on something that happened, after my great day of school.

But for now, thanks! Headed to bed, must be able to get up for school in 5 hrs, very unlikely.
Posted 2/5/2009 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen, but I really dont deserve all of that. I have a great day yesterday, until I got home. My mom was in a very bad mood and we had an argument and it made me run to my room and cry rivers. It made all the feels I've had this week come flooding back. This part Im not sure about putting on here, but there is a bright side, I'll try to be discrete...(if not then it can be deleted) I just couldnt handle it anymore. I wanted to sleep to get away from the yelling and stuff. I wasnt going to hurt myself. I took several medications and I shouldnt have, but did. Well, I told my 2 friends who talked to me.

Something was going on with my lil brother, he was hurting. So, I went and laid in bed with him and we talked alot. I can tell how unhappy he is. Ironically, he told me that he went and had been talking to the school counselor, just like I did last year. It made me sad to know my lil bro feels the same. He feels like my parents dont care and such. (this is because they dont express there love, or say it or anything, no hugs or kisses, or i love you's) so, he feels sad. And it really hurt me because I know what thats like.

And, I learned my lesson. The medicines made me really dizzy, and calm, and sleepy(still fightin to keep my eyes open), and gave me a horrible stomach ache. I promised them I wouldnt do that again. At the time I was so mad and needed something or someone to help and that was the wrong choice. A bad choice on my part. And I know I deserve everything that has happened because of it. And I dont think I will try that...it helped, but then it hurt, it sure wasnt worth it.

So, for anyone who feels like that, its not worth it to handle things that way. I feel it was a stupid choice and I take responsibility for the concequences. How I feel today is a direct result of a bad choice on my part... so, I suppose thats what I learned. But, thats my new story. (in a series of stories that occur after school!) lol

Hope everyone has a sleepy-free day! (unlike me!)
Posted 2/5/2009 9:47 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Christi,

I am happy that you learned your lesson and also that you didn't get any more sick than you did.  That isn't the answer.  The meds you take also take weeks to actually help you so taking a bunch at once is only going to make you sick.  I am so happy that you realized it wasn't the answer. 

It does sound like you are feeling a little better anyway, and I am happy for that.  I am sorry that your mom and dad aren't that affectionate.  Maybe in time they will realize that they need to be.  And I am sorry that your little brother is so sad, but happy that you were able to be there for him.  I am sure that it helped him a lot.

I am not giving you too much credit, you are an amazing young lady and you deserve compliments. 

Try not to let your mom's lack of affection get to you.  I am sure that she loves you dearly.  Just doesn't know how to show it.  Just know that you are a kind and loving person, and when you have children, you will be able to show it.  You are fortunate to have that ability.  Not everybody does as you can see.

I hope that this day is going better.  Take care my friend and have a wonderful evening.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Posted 2/6/2009 6:18 PM (GMT 0)

I wont be specific, but I didnt take Lyrica and Paxil...I took some other stuff, trust me, they were things that would take almost immediate affect. I didnt get sick until a few hours later. Im still feeling bad from it. I was so sleepy yesterday that I was wanting to sleep during school, but didnt. I went to sleep right after school and I didnt hear a thing...I woke up twice between then and this morning. So, I got like 14 hours of sleep. I still dont feel so great... (but its ok, its my own fault)

But, anyways, its nothing I can change so... we'll just leave it at that I suppose. School is just crazy. I feel like I have so much and I try SO hard. I work my butt off all the time. And its the most important thing to me and...I work very hard at school, its important, but thats all. I know good things come to those who are patient. But, I havent caught my break yet I guess....

So, I have felt pretty emotionless the past 2 days. Im just going step by step right now. I cant think about the future, it really gets to me. I just cant think ahead like that. I have to stay right here in this minute or bad things happen. 

Thanks for the support. Its been pretty hard. Im really trying not to think much. Thinking gets me into trouble. Im trying to just imagine happy things! Happy Things! rolleyes   Its going okay...and listening to inspiring music. That also helps. So thanks

Posted 2/6/2009 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
turn  

Hi Christi,

You are doing fine, I guess it takes a little time for the meds to get out of your system.  But you are still with us and that is what matters. 

The weekend is almost here, so you will be able to relax some and then play catch up.  I am sorry that you were feeling so bad, but I know that you will be alright, especially now that you are staying in the moment.  Just don't beat yourself up for what you did.  You were desperate.  Just remember it as a lesson learned.  Thank God that you are okay.  I don't know what I would do if something bad happened to you.  You are very special to me.

Try to have some fun this weekend.  You do deserve that.  I know that you are busy, but if you can take a few minutes out to relax, it will do you good.  Maybe go to the mall with your friend, or go dirt biking or something.  Something that you enjoy.  I am glad that you have your friend.  It sounds like he really does care about you and is easy to talk to.  Never forget that you can always email me too.  I will always reply to you, I think that you know that.

This is a hard time of the year.  And I think that plays into all of our depression.  Seems to make it worse.  But we will all get through it with eachother's help.  I think we all need that right now.  Pretty soon spring will be here and we all can get out and do things, especially the ones of us that have tons of snow right now.

Keep up the good work, and keep your chin up.  Remember that you are a very special person and we all care about you.

Luv and hugs, Karen

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