Med switch over not going so well

Hiya,

I'm posting here, because I think I need a bit of support.

Earlier this month, I agreed with my psychiatrist that my meds needed changing, my Mirtazapine were holding up my weight a little bit less-well than normal, I no longer felt any sleep benefits from it, and I was having a hard time at home. I wasn't feeling great, just tired and down, but that was it.

Last wednesday, while in hosp for my routine IV antibitoics, the cross-over began. They were originally going to just add in Sertraline as extra support, but after a bad reaction to that in the past with Prolactin levels going wappy, it was decided it wasn't a risk worth taking. Plus sertraline used to make me energetic, Mirtazapine sleepy. A combo of those 2 seemed a bit weird and would probably have caused them to clash.

So then it was decided, the only other option was to come right off Mirtazapine, and go onto Lefopromine. I thought this would be ok, I thought that it wouldn't be a big deal. I was already a little down, how much worse can it get. So, on Wednsday Mirtaz went down to 30mg, Lefopromine started at 70mg. This Monday, Mirtaz went down to 15mg, Lefop went upto 140mg. Friday will be my final day on Mirtaz and myt final dose increase of Lefop to 210mg I think, and I'm dreading it. I'm literally just clutching on with my fingers on the border of sanity here. Or at least that's how it feels. I've been off Mirtaz in the past, and this is exactly how it felt then.

My Psych left me out in the cold a bit, and it's been killing me all weekend. I've needed to talk to her, and it's been getting worse each day. Yesterday in a fit of panic I walked upto the outpatients dep. at the other side of the hospital, dropped off a pile of letters and poems and other things I had written, to my Psych then bolted back to the ward. I had to hold my breath until I got into my room, as the running had caused an asthma attack, and I didn't need anyone on the ward to know-because then they'd have asked me where I'd been, and why I'd even considered running-what if I'd fallen over?

I also did about 100% more in physio yesterday, went on a walk around the entire perimeter of the hospital (which is a looooong long way), went on 2 other walks round various other bits of the hospital. It was mad, I don't know what possesed me, but I couldn't sit still, even though my legs may aswell have been jelly the weakness and shakiness they were. It didn't hurt-or I enjoyed the pain-I'm not sure which is the most accurate yet. But rather than feeling tired, I found more energy and wanted to do everything all over again, except this time faster, with more effort. I didn't though, but only because it finally twigged into me that I was gonna suffer today for all my efforts.

Like a magical thing though. I feel no pain today either.

I don't like any of this. I should have been collapsing yesterday-being as I took my crutches nowhere! Usually 1 mile has me collapsed in a heap, struggling to  get my legs to work and them to stop working. IT's not that my legs are miraculously better either, as my enzyme levels are super high, meaning I REALLY should have been collapsing in a heap.

I've told all this to my psych-well except about all the walking I did. Just that I'm feeling in a complete and utter unstable state of mind, and that I could do with a bit of help. I'm seeing her today, but I no longer feel ready to talk toher like I did yesterday. I just want to run a lot more and hide and not come back out until the world has ended, so it's not as hard no more.

I am completely trapped in my negative thinking, and every single thought is either a really bad one, or one of Sami. Even my drawing, where I usually draw pretty things-has turned into all the qualities of Sami turned into an angel-or of daggers and needles dripping blood.

This isn't good to me. I don't know what I can do about it, except try and run it out of my system. But I've proved to myself that isn't the way, as then my thoughts just get harder.

I feel so trapped, and I can't tell a single person on here about it, I have to wait for my psych-but then I'm not sure I want to even face it yet, and I'm not sure I want it fixing either. I just want it to feel more bearable I think.

I'm so confused. I'm meant to be going home today, but know I will be less safe at home. I desperately want to go though at the same time. I'm gonna end up starting war as one person tries to send me home, the other tries to keep me here. But, whichever the result is, I'm not going to be happy with it. I've got my own war going off in my head saying the same things.

Is this because of the med change, or is this just a coincidence?

 

Hey Gems

Hi there sweetie, Med changes suck.....................I know I have been on so many over the past three years I do not know what works and what is causing what.

I know I do not have the huge problems you deal with daily my friend but I do know that you have to work through this and knowing you I feel this is something you can and will do.

When your fears and depression have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better.

Challenge your negative thinking with positive statements and realistic thinking. When encountering thoughts that make you feel fearful or depressed, challenge those thoughts by asking yourself questions that will maintain objectivity and common sense.

My darlin Gems, you know I am a stay in the moment person which I do fall off of the wagon frequently but I try my best to get back up and on my way.

I know you do this to so I am going to post my magic recipe........

It's really important for myself to be able to stay in the moment. I have found that by avoiding things like dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about the future I am usually able to get done what needs to get done when it needs to get done.

If you can learn to stay present in the moment then you can rapidly and gracefully change your life for the better! Practice staying present today. Take deep breaths often. Really feel what you are doing.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. Yesterday is gone forever, tomorrow is not yet here and Today is really all we ever have. We may have the memories of yesterday but it is over and so we do not need to continue to live in it. Well tomorrow is not here so it might be nice to set goals for tomorrow, or dream of what we would like it to be, but again it is not here yet so we can not live in it until it gets here. So we can only live in the here and now of Today. What a wonderful gift. ~ A A

Come on my Gems........you can do this.  Just keep on talking to us.  We are here so feel the love.

Love ya
Kitt

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.
William James

I miss my Miratazapine:(

Ok, my psych doesn't think it's my med change that is causing my change of mind.
Alternative explanation-well, there isn't one. We can't work out a trigger or anything.

Kitt, Karen-I know I should be doing somehting to make myself think posteive. I have tried. I have tried to make a snowman named Fred-but that just upset me more to find he'd melted a bit, and his head had rolled off in the morning. Yes, getting upset over inanimate objects is stupid-but it just upset me so bad.
I got upset the other day, at the thought of poor halal carrots-having there throats slitted and left screaming while they bled. I can't eat a begetarian halal curry because of this. Animals-nope that doesn't hurt my head-but poor screaming high-pitched carrots-well the thought spooks me.

Nothing I do is taking away my mind like normal. Not tiredness, happiness, pain. Nothing.

All this walking I've been doing (I've done a hell of a lot more today) and the 5 lots of chest physio I did and the 2 lots of saline neb I did today to make myself tired and calm down my breathing to a managable level. Well, they're doing nothing except energising me to do more.

My psych noticed I was angry and tried to leak from me what at. But the simple truth is I don't know. And the answer there, would be-well stop being silly then. But, I can't. It's like over night my heads changed channel.
Last week, I was refusing to do physio because it hurt too bad, I screamed the place down when they tried to fit a cannula in me. I got so worked up over the tiniest iota of pain. Now however-give me a cannula to fit, I could probably get it in my vein without so much as flinching never mind squealing. I'm over-doing it and I dunno why.

My psych is worried about the safety risk of me wandering out alone, with the slippy roads and my wibbly legs. But, I need to walk, and I need to walk far, and I can't stop until I'm in a heap. My cf cons says that it's fantastic I'm doing all this exercise and wants me to carry on, my physios aren't too sure.

I have this strange urge to just run-until I do collapse down, and the pain becomes to unbearable-Then maybe I'll stop. But I don't know.
I think the worst bit, is not knowing whats getting me so pumped up. What could be causing this despair. I mean thats what it feels like, like someone ripped my heart open-even though I know noone or nothing has-but I can't ditch the feeling.

I'll be going home tomorrow, so if it's this place that is causing the problem-then I'll be able to tell, if it isn't this place-then I'm gonna be home without anyone for support except Paul-who I can't ask for it. Some bad things have happened this week, caused by me. I can't let him know what that is-because he'll be upset with me.

That's one thing. I know that my psych isn't upset with me for these things-she's just concerened, so I know I'm safe to tell her anything. I can't rely on Paul to get me through this-which upsets me even more.

I have an urge between wanting to stay in hosp and getting my head right, or going home to my own comfort and privacy. It's hard to be excited and terrified of going home all at the same time. It makes me feel so sick

I'm being silly I know it-but I'm just getting more and more panicked, and I can't do anything to stop it-except run for a bit longer next time and hope to god my legs don't give out, because I'll need them to run some more after that.

My cons apparently has been doing quite a bit of thinking about this. He contacted my psych yesterday-to try and get her to find out, why I nearly exploded online the other day in a rant. But, I think if I can't think up the reason-noones ever going to know-because I can't explain it.
Maybe that's where I'm going wrong, maybe I'm worrying too much. But, I can't help it. I can't turn my head off at all-it's constantly on the go and just won't go away, no matter how much I scream at myself.

I've explained all this in a letter to my psych and spoke more about it today. She's trying to get me a councillor closer to where I live. I dunno if it will help. I think I've gone beyond reason again, and I don't know why or how, or what to do about it. I've tried taking suggestions and doing them, and I somehow end up worse.

Sorry for rambling on.....Gonna go for another walk now. Maybe giving into my mad urges to do things-will calm me down a bit-hopefully-with any luck anyway. If it doesn't-then I will at least actually have some muscle to lose when my muscle enzyme levels next really hit the ceiling.

I'm sorry I can't just take on your comments and use them-I have something stopping me doing even that. Thankyou though. You know I love you all a lot. Even through all this messy pain.

Quick edit LOL moment- never spell high-pitched with a B instead of P-it results in extra editing   Poor baby carrots!

I really really don't feel safe being home. Everytime I start to cry, Paul jumps in to try and make me stop. He wants cuddles I don't feel like having. I try to hug him-and I just feel chlostraphobic, how mad is that?

He's gonna start getting upset with me soon, and I can't take that. How do I tell him I just want to be left alone to get back into things.
When I got in, as soon as I walked through the door, he was following me round-telling me to just sit down for a hug-but it's not what I wanted, I've just been released I need some space.

I had to pretend to sound happy, while talking to my psych when she rang, as he was just stood there and I have a feeling he wouldn't have liked me being anything but. I hope she saw through that and won't just leave me stranded for the next few weeks, as she thinks I'm fine now I'm home. I'm far from being fine. I know I need the help, but also don't have the energy to keep asking for it.

She has asked that I keep a diary-which I'm going to print out and send to her. That is so much better than trying to call for help. I think if I do this weekly, she'll be able to spot better when I need help. Maybe she will be able to spot the patterns to stop it happening.

I've just lost the space I had to tear my hair out. If I put on my music and try and blot out the world, he's gonna follow me and want to know why. Maybe this is why, before I went into hospital, I had no major panics, because I just didn't have the space for them. Maybe that's why I've got so bad I dunno. Maybe I'm still looking for excuses for feeling this way?

Paul's just walked in, he has only been out of the house 5 minutes, and he wants cuddles, he's looking at me as if i should be jumping into his arms happy, instead of crying. I can't do this, I feel so trapped-more than being stuck in the same room for 2 weeks has had me feeling. I can't be sad without having an interrogation. I did warn this is how I was feeling before coming home. I  warned him I was needing a lot of psych care and told him I was gonna need to email my college tutors to warn them that I was gonna be quiet and easy to upset. You'd have thought that would've been a hint.

I think I want to move closer to my hospital now, because at times like this, it means i could just pop in and see my psych, instead of been stuck here with noone to talk to.

My paranoias kicking in telling me this is gonna get worse. It's exhausting.

I just really don't wanna be here doing this, going through everything with a forced smile, on a face that just doesn't feel like smiling.:'(

I told him, he's offended. He keeps making jokes about it.

I've told him now though-so he bugs me again, then I have reason to hit him-he's been given warning. I just need space to breathe and try and work out what's going wrong.

I really don't like not knowing whats causing this, completely forgetting I've done or said something, wanting to run away and hide at the same time.
His needs can take a back seat-I'm sure it won't be too long before i can find the trigger to each of my moods, and calm them down. If it's the meds-well I have a good psych looking into that. Paul is aware how much I'm relying on my psych right now-so should be aware theres a reason for that. I'm not just contacting her for the sake of it. He knows I have to write down a diary now-because I've had to ask him for a printer cartitrdge. He knows where all my printouts will be going to.
He knows I've agreed with my psych, I will email her my diaries, until I feel confident in myself, that I can cope again. I really really can't cope right now.
Or maybe this is all just me going OTT, and being ratty for no reason. Maybe it is me. But I need to get me sorted out first, and he needs to respect my boundries......I think. I don't normally make requests to just leave me alone for a bit. Oh I dunno. I'm so confused:(

I've just come upstairs now-he decided to put on a game, a loud one. He doesn't need the sound on, but will only turn it down not off. The sounds of guns scares me, at the best of times. I don't need that fear while I'm trying so hard to stay in the moment.

I've found someone who I can email a lot, and knows me if there's a problem.
My CF nurse randomly emailed yesterday. I've not spoke to her in a while-and for those of you that remember-she has been a lot of support for me over the years.
Because she has been ill and off a lot with depression herself-I've not wanted to burden her. She's only a Cystic Fibrosis nurse-it's not like she should be forced to listen to my goings on.

Anyway, she mentioned cross-infection, and as usual, it set some more aggression off in me. I wrote her a very very very long honest email. One topic led to another, onto another and so on. I think it's the most open I've been with anyone in my life, and I really hope she see's that and doesn't hate me.

Paul's leaving me alone once he sees me writing. He knows where I'm mailing, and he knows I have to let loose, before I actually explode anymore than I already have done.

I feeling very much like a volcano right now-which is scary as I have an immense phobia of volcanoes. But, it just feels like that level of erupting.

Paul's been batter though-and I've been doing a lot of running off to my room or for a bath to unwind a bit before I get too built up trying to keep it in.

It's stupid feeling this this. I don't want it. I just wanna know why Lofepramine isn't my magic cure, like Mirtazapine used to be. I guess I'm expecting miracles, rather than a gradual progression of less haunting thoughts. I just wanna feel a bit better.

Oh, and Paul's been to his counciller today-he has been banned from caffeine. Maybe to much caffiene is to explain for him being so clingy. It does do such funny things to your head.