My next step

Hey everyone I just wanted a place to get out what I've been feeling lately and what a better place to do it where you get support and understanding. I've just come to the realization that things aren't going to get better unless I get a job. I was thinking about trying to get a little better or just wait until I feel it would be the right time but I kind of had a ephany. I started thinking that I could go to the park, go for a walk, go walk around a store, just try to do anything that would get me and my son out of the house and basically accomplish some of my fears and feel good about it in this healing process. And it never sounded good to me because honestly I'm just so tired of being alone because I would do all of those things by myself because I have no friends. I figured that wasn't going to be my answer. I feel that the only way I won't be isolated, to be around other people, to have something to do, to feel like I have a purpose, to feel a sense of independancy is to get a job. It's weird because I did have plans to get a job but I guess I see it in a different light now. The first couple of weeks taking my meds I changed my home life into something I was happy about instead of being miserable but it didn't last long because it got old and I felt like there has to be more. I've been feeling stuck for the last 3 weeks but  I'm trying to feel good about this new thought. I've applied to a few jobs so far online and when my son goes back to care next week I'll go out to a few more places around here.

 

I had a talk with my SO lastnight and it felt good. Just letting him know that I'm scared to go back to work because I don't want to mess it up this time. I want to feel good about working and hopfully like what I get. I just want to be able to take initiative and be responsible. I also broke down and cried with him lastnight because I told him of my realization a while ago with my counselor about my parent's. And that I'm angry that they didn't raise me to have ambitions and goals, they didn't raise me with any kind of tools to be a adult in the real world. They didn't care enough that I dropped out of high school after tenth grade, they didn't care enough that I was 13 and dating a 21 year old, which ended up with 3 yrs of mental and physical abuse, they didn't care enough that I was drugging it up and smoking, they didn't care enough to give me rules and boundaries. They just didn't care enough to try to mold me into the best adult I could be to be in the real world. I'm crying right now just thinking about all that because it just makes me so mad. I've always depended on guys and relationships. After that 3 yr relationship I was with someone else for 2yrs then onto someone else for 4yrs. I've never really been self sufficiant, there have been times where I have but all my young life has consisted of is relationships. I'm not saying that I'm blaming them for my life as it stands now but I can really see why I've struggled all my life! Anyway, I will try to feel good about getting a job I hope that good feeling can stay with me. I just really need to build my confidence and self esteem. And Karen, thanks for recommending the book "Feeling Good" I'm only on part 2 but it's so interesting and I just want to soak my brain into it more! I'm going to try and read as much as I can today! Thanks for listening if you got through this. I know long posts are hard.

 

editing to add and correct. I'm a profectionist lol!

 

 

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 2/13/2009 9:53:26 AM (GMT-7)

A job has helped me feel good about myself and I did try another job about 18 months ago but it just was not me.  I gave myself permission to quit after much guilt and beating myself up so this job is in the field I am trained for.  It is just casual but to know that I am working again and able to get up and get ready to go to a job has done great things for my spirits.

Please do take your time in looking for something that is what you want to do.  You should like your job and remember it is ok to change your mind if something else comes up.

Know I am here and reading your posts. You have my support and caring.

Take care

Kitt

Shebsy, thank you so much for your words. I don't feel so alone. I was actually diagonosed as bipolar last month. I have hypomania and I'm not sure if this diagnosis is going to stick because they have to see how I do on the meds but it made everything that I was experiencing clearer to me. I have been taking Lamictal and Strattera for almost 5 weeks now. Just had both dosages increased almost a week ago. The Strattera has helped a lot with making my mind calmer, it's been a relief. I have just felt at a stand still the last 3 weeks. I just turned 28 and I feel as you do, aimless in life. I also look at other people I've seen around me and feel that they are more successful then me. I know that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others but of course I've thought about it. Feeling like you haven't accomplished much in life and feeling like you have no meaning almost makes me feel like I'm stupid. Getting pregnant with my first child and having a high risk pregancy left me being home because I couldn't work, the job I did have before I became pregnant I got fired from. So feeling useless and all the crap I went through with my pregnacy just made my life worse. Since becoming a mother I also feel like I'm stuck in a way and it's been a difficult path. I have felt stuck about creating a life for myself and have been stuck at home with no friends or family close for 3yrs. Anyway enough of that. That's just exactly how I feel like my parent's didn't encourage me to be somebody in life. The funny thing is I have a close relationship with my mom, ever since I was a teenager. It's just weird because just looking back on things and feeling like I do now, made me realize that my parent's weren't good to me. It's been difficult to realize because I'm angry about it and I definately have plans to raise my son better. I don't have any plans at all to have another kid so I feel like since my son will be a only child we as his parents will have the love, time, energy and will be able to focus on him through his life stages. Although I am in a relationship now for 4yrs and we have a son together, I still need to establish myself. I feel like I'm starting over at 28. I also have no clue what I want to do in life but I'm just going to get a simple job now, get tuned in with working and maybe down the line go to school. I just realized I can't be home anymore, I'm wasting away and I need to make something of myself because I can't keep wasting more time plus where would it leave me when I'm old. Don't ask me why I'm realizing it now after 3yrs but maybe getting the help did it. Lately I just have no motivation to try and make things different, like getting out of my house! It's sad because I'm literally a hermit. It makes me sad just saying the word hermit because I know it's true. I'm just "here" everyday but with the new thoughts on getting a job I hope I can stay positive about it.

 

I'm sorry I'm going on here but sometimes it just feels good to get everything out. How are you doing with everything now? Have you been on meds and for how long? And I'm sorry you went through all of that with your parent's. That had to be tough at such a young age. Just like me being in relationships from the time I was 13. I thought about it and I think the longest I have ever been single in my whole young life is for a year. I think that's what bothers me so much because I just never focused on myself to establish MY life. I am glad that you have found some things that have comforted you and I hope for the same. Hang in there and I'm totally with you! Thanks for your post!

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 2/13/2009 1:38:28 PM (GMT-7)

Dear wishdreamhope,

I think having a bad childhood has more to do with feeling worthless and being aimless in life rather than being single. I have been single all my life and have had all the time and energy to focus on myself but haven't been able to because my day to day life has been a struggle. Even when I was living away from my parents for 8 years, they involved me in their conflict. My parents would come to visit me during their vacations - my father's behaviour would border on being sexually abusive. Instead of seeking help for the family, my mother would get jealous and try to find another boy for me. She thought marriage and children would be the solution. I have been on meds for over a year and half but since I am living with my parents now, my recovery has been slow. My psychiatrist thinks we should all live together and work things out instead of behaving like Americans and going separate ways (he is an Indian and I think he should be locked up in a mental asylum because his advice is ridiculous but we have to follow it since my parents have so many issues that they can't be bothered looking for another doctor. They think bipolar will go away with time and they are living in their own delusional world). After I get a job, I will save up and get my life back on track. I plan to move out by the middle of this year and get another psychiatrist. I don't think you should let your past issues stop you from having more children. Each child needs a sibling for company; they need a dear one to take care of them once the parents grow old (that's what most old people advice in India). I love children and would like to have them someday but I have to first sort out my own issues and get my parents into therapy. I realize that they have been such rotten parents and such rotten people because they have too many issues themselves. If they can get their issues sorted, they might be nicer to their children, the maid, the driver, their co-workers and employees, etc. I hope you are able to go to school and establish your own life. Going to school is a wonderful experience. I enjoyed my time in school. I just wish I had been treated for my bipolar at that time so I could have focused on building a career instead of taking the most interesting classes. All my teachers and professors said I had a lot of potential but I was wasting myself. I still am. But I am hopeful I will find a mission in life one day. Maybe it will involve saving the environment or helping underprivileged children. I don't know. Time will tell.

Wish,
I think it is great that you have set a goal for yourself to find a job. I am looking for work myself, but have decided to take on some volunteer work while I'm looking for a paid position. I work at a food pantry & it feels really good to get out of the house & to help other people. Plus, I realize that I am not alone in my financial situation & I can talk about it with some of the people who come to get food. So I just wanted to encourage you to consider maybe volunteering if you don't get a paid job right away. It could get you some time out of the house (I think every mom needs an occasional break from her kids) and to practice getting ready & going to do some kind of work without the stress of worrying whether you will be good at it or whether it will work out okay or such. Plus, it is something you can add on to your resume & can really be looked upon favorably by potential employers.

best wishes with finding a job!
frances