Hello all. I've been reading the posts on this forum and am glad I found it. I only wish I found these types of resources years ago.
I've been depressed for 10+ years. about the only thing medicine had ever done for me is stop me from killing myself. A couple of months ago I started making some positive changes including divorcing my sense of worth from the job I do and going back to college at 41 years old. Though these things were happening and I now realize my internal dialog was changing, the outward me did not change.
Then came the crisis. Late in January my wife of 18+ years took our daughter and left. (major backstory dealing with her bipolar disorder but that's not part of this thread). My depression was one of the major factors in this decision. We had separated and come close to divorce before, but this time she was dead set on it. She said I would make promises and seem to change for a couple of months, and then I would be right back at it.
I spent a week continuing all aspects of my life while at the same time planning to end it. I spent a couple nights literally seconds away from ending my life. I finally concluded that I didn't really want to die and that life would go on.
Since then its been like I'm "normal" again. For three weeks I have not had any negative self-talk or negative self-image. I've had no thoughts of suicide. I find myself wanting to go out into the world and be with people. After ten years of having that voice in my head saying that I suck and am a fraud and am not worth anything, suddenly everything is different.
(Side note: my wife has seen the changes, realized she still loves me, and we are now talking through a separation rather than divorce.)
My fear is that this is just temporary. Has anyone else every experienced a dramatic turnaround like this, only to have yourself go back into the depression?