My Thoughts....I Need to Think Out Loud

This isnt for anything special, I just need to get some things out of my head right now. Im doing lots of thinking right not. I have an appt with a Pdoc Monday. Im really scared and nervous about it. Its a new place with new people and I dont know what to expect at all. Any advice on that?

Also, Im getting off my Lyrica. I started skipping doses last week, and yesterday I missed. I am having a very hard time dealing with the withdrawal, but Im following the docs instructions. Its been 15 months so I can imagine my body is having trouble adjusting to life without it. I have been in a bad mood all day. Just staying in bed. Hurting more. Feeling quiet, lifeless. Everything is bothering me, over-sensitive to sounds and everything. Feeling paranoid about things. I just took it a while ago and already I feel a little better. So, Im worried about life without my Lyrica. Im starting to wonder if Im doing the right thing. But, I dont want to live life full of meds. Nor a life of pain. Between a rock and a hard place.

Mentally, Im not here right now. Im off in my own world, thinking. Imagining. Im not fully here. I cant help but wonder about everything. Am I doing the right thing. Will people understand me. Im just not sure. I feel locked up from the world and letting the world know Im here is the hardest thing ever. I cant talk to people. Im stubborn and I hold everything in. How am I going to get past that.

I am SO stuck right now. I am only expressing my thoughts here. I feel so trapped. In a round box. Im so far away from reality. I feel like I should be locked up. I need to be away from people. Quiet. I need to figure things out. I havent found my place nor a purpose. Why do things have to be this way. I know its so common for people like us to feel this way. But, I still feel so alone. No one understands what I feel or how I view life or the world. I observe. I analyze. I see. But, I dont understand. I dont see meaning. Nor purpose.

Im so lost right now. Im really stuck and my feelings are all over the place. Everything is rocketing through my head. Through my eyes. And I dont know what to do. What to say. Where to go. Lifeless and meaningless is what is running through my veins. I know something is wrong, but I cant do anything. Im cornered. Somethings wrong with me, I feel it, I know it. My mood, my personality, me, I've changed and I dont approve. I dont like who I am. I hate what I feel. I dont understand what I see.

I only wish to vent this stuff and get it out. I suppose this is my 'diary'.... I just need to talk right now. I have to get all this out. Its killing me. Its overwhelming me. Its suffocating me. And I cant stand it any longer.

The end.

I feel for you right now. I've been in the situation you're in, feeling like there's so much inside and you can't handle it all. It's frustrating, but hopefully it'll pass.

I'm going to log into chat now, so if you'd like to, I'll be there for you to vent some more if you need to get more off your chest!

Christi,

I am sorry sorry I wasn't here for you this morning. It sounds like you're having a tough time thinking about things.

The appointment with your pdoc sounds like this could be triggering you to get really anxious. I wish there was something I could say that could stop you having to feel this way. Though there is nothing-you are not alone hun. The thought of a new doc must be terrifying. I've been there myself, but eventually you get there, you get to know them, it's just the first step is always so hard.

I can understand how badly you want to be off the meds, that you don't want to be reliant on them. It must have been a hard choice for you to think about not taking them, but it's a harder decision to keep taking them. There is no advice here, because whether you take meds or not should be your choice. But, if I was in the same situation, I think I would be reluctant to actually stop the meds if stopping them is doing harm. That would be my choice, though does not have to be yours.

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to come here and vent. I'm glad there is somewhere you can talk about your problems. I know we may not be there right by your side, but we are here in spirit for you.

I've probably not said much to help. But I just wanted to let you know someone was here thinking of you, and wishing you could feel calmer.

I hope things are better today.

I'm around on MSN, though hiding. I won't be up late though-I've been too tired this week. But, just say hello when you need to talk-if I am awake, I'll talk to you no problem hun.

Hugs
Gem x

EDIT: You know, that took me 10 minutes to write, as your latest post wasn't there when I started typing Christi. I'm getting slower lol

Thanks Karen and Gem. Means alot that you guys are here for me. Its okay that you werent here Karen. I made it through.. I stayed up all night talking to my friend. He always bugs me about talking to him, so I just did, but it irritated me because I kept telling him he didnt understand, or couldnt, and I could tell he was getting mad. So, I was getting aggravated I suppose.....But, Im okay.Thanks

Hey christi-

Good for you, talking to your friend. Even if he didn't understand, I think it's a good step for you that you spoke with him. Sometimes it's so much easier "talking" to us here because you know it won't change how we feel and think about you, whereas a friend might treat you differently.

Just remember tomorrow that she's just a person also, and she's there to help you.

I look forward to hearing how things went!