Insight

I could really use some insight.

I dated this guy for three months.  I hadn't had a boyfriend in a very long time.  I thought there was some odd things.  I didn't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with and he said he couldn't bring me around his family.  Then he told me he has been on medications for many years for depression and anxiety.  He does not sleep well so sometimes he has to take sleeping pills.  He told me that he had to go to a special school when he was young but did not elaborate. He told me when he was in his twenties, at one period did not go out of the house for nine months.  He did go on to graduate college and he has had the same job for 21 years.  Then he told me he has never been with a woman (he is 52).  He also told me he can barely get an erection (probably from the medication).  We only hugged if I hugged him so I stopped doing it.  We barely kissed.  When he kissed me it was cold, hard and brief.  Then on New Years day he broke up with me and wouldn't talk to me anymore.

He started complaining about the money he was spending on dates so I started paying for some of the dates.  Then he started complaining about all of the time it took him to plan the dates so I stated doing that too.

Do you think there is something terribly wrong with a man who has never been with a women at age 52.  At any rate I feel very sad it didn't work out.  My behavior with him was very bad.  I got a little distrubed with all of the things he was telling me and didn't react well.  All he cared about was his issues and not with how all these things would affect me.  I found this to be really traumatizing and am having trouble moving on from it.

One of the problems with depression is we tend to interpret everything that happens as something that's negative about ourselves.  Please try to not take anything that happened  personally.  There are several reasons why you shouldn't.

You really didn't know him very well.  While he did tell you some of what he'd been through, he chose not to "let you in" and tell you everything.  He wouldn't really let you be on the team.

Just my opinion, but I think it's best to be non-judgemental on things like this.  And avoid the labeling that might be easy to do.  Which of us can ever know what's behind someone's relationship and intimacy issues?  Maybe some kind of strict religious background or a traumatic event.  Wonder if there was some history of abuse when he was a child?  I can see how a person could struggle with that for their whole life, want to be in a close relationship, but have so many issues that they just can't do it.  You don't really know.  So there's no reason to think something negative about yourself.

I think Karen is right - that this was an emotionally one-sided relationship.  Please don't let it get you down.  Stay positive and something positive will come back to you.

Hi Folkgirl,

He is not the one for you !  :)  You need someone who is in a better place and able to be your equal in a relationship.

I am so sorry this man has what appears to be some serious depression issues and that his medications are a problem.  But complaining about the cost of dating you was so  inappropriate. I have had depression for 26 years so I do understand the disease well. 

There are many men with depression that would be absoulutely wonderful as a mate but this man, IMHO, is not ready for any committment.

Bless you and know we care.

Kitt