ok here goes, im in my late 20's and am reaching out here for some help. I am battling some serious depressive feelings inside me for a while. if i work to see clearly and look within myself I see someone who is funny, decent looking, down to earth, nice and helpful. in fact I love helping others but feel clueless at helping myself. however I rarely am able to look at myself clearly and often hate the person I see in the mirror and will come up with reasons why everyone is better off without me. more and more it is hard to control these.
as a result none of the relationships I have last. Sure maybe they weren't right. I don't feel I have a hard time mtg new people but once things get to a certain emotional level I just cant handle it and i totally change. "cant handle it" does not mean I break it off, instead I start arguments, I get jealous, then I get embarrassed of my actions so I come clean about some of my depressed feelings and then I act more and more depressed/desperate and then when things break off I start to feel worthless and in a bad place. then because this person left me I feel like I don't matter and because they had already put up with so much crap from me that I tell myself how perfect they were and i'll never find someone like that again, ever....a pretty bleak outlook I feel.
I would admit that there are people who have had it 1000x worse and that makes me hate myself for going about in pity of myself while it could be worse....I can't shake these feelings. I pretty much sabotage my own relationships and am then all "surprised" when the woman wants to break it off. then I know I've done it again and I lost this person and its all my fault. i see many people say they will leave loved ones and others when they get this depressed because they want to go at it alone but i tend to feel like i need that person in my life even tho they've already seen how bad i'm hurting that they feel i need time for myself to ffgiure this out. this has been a cycle for some time and the issues are more and more frequent and the dark feelings are worse each time. I don't know how to break this cycle.......I cant find a therapist I feel comfortable being honest with but I'm trying and I'm just carrying so much around inside me that I don't even know who I am anymore. im worried if I continue this behavior its going to lead me further down this dark path. im reaching out within the community that experiences the same emotions as I. im really hoping I can get some encouraging words to keep me focused on the end goal and get on a good path.....right now I don't have many people around me to do that (im embarrassed to tell anyone close to me) and I'm throwing up the flag and asking for help here. thanks for listening and any replies are appreciated as i find myself in a lonely place today.