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my daughter and married man

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Posted 3/26/2009 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
I am in desperate need of advice.My nineteen year old daughter and i share an apartment.Due to my home been foreclosed on recently i was unable to get an apartment under my name so we opted to sign the lease under her name.

My youngest child who is 11 also lives with us.I do of course carry my share of the expenses and then some.I did also after a settlement help my daughter by purchasing her a vehicle.

I do feel never the less that this apartment is hers and since she is almost twenty i feel like i can't voice my opinion.So when she recently started seeing a married man almost twice her age i was'nt sure what steps to take.

I cautioned her many times but she ignored my warnings.His wife soon became aware of the situation but through some slick explantions on his part he seem to put her mind at ease,even if she continued too have lingering suspicions.

The affair then seemed to escalate,high phone bills that i was paying he then started comming to the apartment and she was very obvious about the nature of the relationship in front of her 11 year old sister.

I then tried to use reason and even instill some fear into her regarding his wife everything fell on deaf ears.But after about another month of having to deal with his intrusion on a daily basis and also making a pass at her 19 year olds twin sister who does not live with us i had had enough.

I informed her of her sisters accusation and the fact that this man was only using her and was putting a strain on her relationship with her family.Dispite my protests he became more brazen.

I took matters to extreme today i demanded the return of the truck and due to the exhorbitant phone bills i threatened to have her line suspended and i obtained his wifes phone number and told her i would call his wife.

She begged me not to call his wife that she would end the affair.but that she would move out of the aparment.My demands were firm and i was extremely angry.

Tonight i am sad i do want her to stay and come to a realization about this man on her own..When she returned home this evening tempers had cooled and she was pleasant.Anyone out there that might have dealt with a situation like this or think i have handled this situation badly from the begining.Kerry.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/26/2009 8:38:59 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/26/2009 2:47 PM (GMT 0)

kerry

I am sorry to hear of your situation with your daughter. I feel that you need to set down with your daughter and set up some guidelines and boundaries. Decide what part of the bills you are going to be responsible for and what she is responsible for if you are paying for things you do not feel should be your responsibility. I would get that in writing.

You stated you feel the apartment is your daughters...........so is it or is it yours together?  You had to rely on her to sign the lease. So legally it is hers but what agreement did  you put into place when you moved in together?

As for her affair, she is 19 and getting in the middle of this may not be wise.  Certainly calling his wife would be a bad mistake IMHO.  This is one case of she has made a choice and even thow it is most likely a bad one, she has to be responsible for her own actions.

Tough situation and I am sorry you have to deal with it.

Take care and know we care.

Kitt

Posted 3/27/2009 8:37 PM (GMT 0)

im not a mother, but i think that maybe if you take a step back and let your daughter continue this relationship, that it will eventually end in tears, and she will have learned a lesson she could only learn by making her own mistakes. thats where you come in- you can counsel and advise and hug her when she realises for herself, firsthand, what a terrible mistake she has made. Calling the wife may alienate your daughter from you and im sure you dont want that.

Im sorry i have no other advice except for when i was 19, i was living a lie. my parents stood back and let me make my own mistakes so i would learn for myself. it worked. they were right all along, but at 19, i wasnt going to let them know that secretly, they were right and i was wrong. that was nearly 10 years ago.

Take care,

Maz XX

Posted 3/28/2009 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks to everyone who replied,believe me it is nice to have input.I have decided to allow her to make her own mistakes and we have worked out a more workable situation on the bills.She threatened to leave and i was devastated.I have not felt that kind of pain and hurt since my husband left eight years.I have come to see her as more than just my child,she is also a partner another adult in my home to ease the lonliness.I do have my youngest but she is also an enormous help with her.However that does leave the possibility that when the current lease is up that she may decide to go it on her own.I am not sure if anyone has ever had this experience but i can,t imagine not having her with me.I feel an overwhelming since of lonliness and i all i can do is reflect back to her childhood with her twin, and baby sister and all i do is cry.People tell me you have to let her go if she decides to make a change and i know i do but i dread the thought of it.My children have been my life and i feel helpless without them even though i raised them on my own.I often wonder if i need help because i never really moved on after my marraige and i do feel very depressed and uncertain about my life from time to time.Kerry
Posted 3/28/2009 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kerry,

You've had such great advice on here, I can't really add a lot to it with respect to how you should handle your daughter's affair. I agree with the others.....and it sounds like you've decided to take a step back and let her deal with it.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loneliness you're feeling. You say that you wonder if you need help because of your feelings of depression and uncertainty, and maybe if you're feeling that way, it's a sign that you should talk to someone.

I was also thinking, as I read your most recent post: Do you have any kind of a creative or social outlet for yourself? A close friend, or perhaps a group activity that you participate in? Do you have any interests or hobbies that you could share with someone else? I have discovered, through reading a local newsletter, that there are all kinds of things going on that I didn't know about.....women who get together in pairs and threes to go for walks....a sewing group.....book clubs.....painting classes.....a women's gym.....and support groups for all kinds of things. Maybe something along those lines would appeal to you and help you to find different companionship during this tough transition.

It seems natural to me that you would be going through a grieving process at the prospect of your daughter going out on her own. It sounds like she's been a big help with your youngest child as well as a friend and source of support for you. Please try, if you can, to think of ways you can gain some support from other people....whether it's talking to a counselor, or joining in a group of some sort, or just sitting down for a coffee with a close friend and talking it out. You deserve to have some comfort right now, Kerry, and sometimes we just have to reach out for it.

Sending you lots of prayers during this time. (((hugs))) Please keep us posted!
Posted 3/28/2009 2:48 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Kerry,

I am glad you worked out some financial issues with your daughter. You have done well..........way to go. :-)

I am sorry at your feelings of lonliness and sadness at the prospect of  your daughter going out on her own.  I suspect you are anticipating the empty nest syndrome.

We invest so much in our children and when they all go off on their own we find that we have not prepared ourselves. We may have thought perhaps we would enjoy the freedom of not having so much work and responsibility. Raniah is right in looking for ideas for you to enjoy you own life.

When my first one left home I thought I would be excited as now I would have only three but that was the year I had my first huge panic attack and depression hit me like a ton of bricks.  I missed him and I did not relaize it.

Here I am many years later realizing how sad I was back then and I still miss him today as he joined the service at 18 and never moved back home or even back to our area.  He is on the West Coast and we are in the Midwest. 

As the other 3 grew up and left home it was not so traumatic as I was more aware of how I was going to feel and they all stayed within 30 minutes of us.  However our second son was killed in a car crash in 1990 at the age of 21.  That crippled me as now I had lost one to the west coast and one to death. 

So I grab onto the joy I get from my 3 adult children and remember that I lived my life my way and they need to be allowed to live theirs.  Am I happy, yes !

You see with adult children come the grandchildren and they are a whole new generation for us to love and care for.

I am posting a link to an article you may find helpful.

http://www.moodletter.com/Empty%20Nest%20Syndrome%20and%20depression.htm

Take care and stick with us..........we are here for you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 3/29/2009 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
This truly is a wonderfull site and i thank everyone for their advice.Kitt when i read what you have gone through it makes my problem seem trivial .I am so sorry to hear you lost a child ,you are such an inspiration in the way you reach out and provide comfort to others. I know now i need to find new outlets and a new surge of strength.For now my daughter and i are going to continue with our presence arrangement but i am sure that sooner or later she will want to go out on her own.I have started trying to mentally prepare myself ,but i will probably be checking in with you guys from time to time.Thank you so much. Kerry
Posted 3/29/2009 8:31 PM (GMT 0)

Kerry

We are here for you anytime and please do keep us posted and lean on us when you feel the need.  We do not judge just share and support.

You will make it through, just one tiny step after the other.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

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