New to this...

My wife was being treated for depression, taking Wellbutrin then stopped a few months back.  I'm a recovering alcoholic about 2.5 years except for 1 day 16 months ago.  We got married fall of 2007 and were madly in love, recognizing and accepting each others situation but hit some rocky ground primarily about finances, or so I thought.   She stopped saying she loved me yet we still seemed to have fun, me thinking that it would work itself out.  She started looking on the internet for someone else, filed for divorce, got a restraining order, I had to move out quickly and now I feel like I'm scrambling for my life, yet I love her to no end.  I've sought help through work not being able to shake it, I'm seeing a therapist and am being referred to a psychiatrist, meanwhile they put me on Seroquel XR, I am going to more AA meetings than when I first stopped drinking, I don't want a drink but I want my wife and my life back.  Even as I write this I write out of desparation but even from looking at this I feel like I wouldn't want to have anything to do with me either.  Seriously, the main thing she hated about my program was that I liked to work out, read the Bible and play guitar...in that order. For all intents and purposes, I had the serenity I was looking for but it drove her nuts...next thing I know I'm in an apartment across town, she doesn't know where I live, I've got an attorney, it's been almost 3 months... I want her back but can't tell her.  I know that if she wanted me back she'd call.  Waaa!

Thank you for your note about keeping focused on my health situation.  I admit I was taking things pretty much in stride, at first trying to "think" myself into oblivion, but getting up and going to as many AA meetings as I could, eventually talking to 2 attorneys, one who said "you have rights, stay there..." and a second who said "get out as fast as you can" which turned out to be good advice.  A family friend and fellow-church member shared that the restraining order was to get me out of the house, off the couch, and in short enough notice that she could do what she wanted with my stuff.  While I stayed in the home for 5 days beforehand, we had absolutely no confrontation even though she tried to sell our bedroom set on Craigslist, me reminding her that the mattress and boxspring were mine.  I slept on the couch for the last 3 days and was able to move without incident on the morning of the 6th day, only then did she tell me she filed a restraining order which was apparently to have been served by a friend of hers the night before, but the person was unavailable.   All of this information was presented afterwards and what was wierd was that I wasn't served the restraining order until 2 months after I moved out, seemingly as "icing on the cake" followed by evidence that she was already out on the internet advertising that she was available and looking for a long-term relationship showing photos of her which I took on our honeymoon.  It was all so cold, absurd and downright vicious that I thought that all she was doing was showing the world what happens when someone from Al-Anon falls off the wagon.  It all built up and built up in me that even my ex-wife who I was married to for 19 years came forward for moral support along with other members of our church.  Not that that means anything, but lets say we are very religious and while I might sound like a jerk, I'm really more of a putz.  I never expected to have to find out what it feels like to have your wife out there suggesting she'd sleep with about anyone but me.  That's why I wondered how much the Wellbutrin might have had a stabling effect.  

So meanwhile, I found myself so spun up that I couldn't wind down no matter what.  I talked to my pastor, sought out the help of a therapist through the Employee Assistance Program at work, but felt that her job was primarily to help me feel good about myself, or so it seemed.  I finally was being thrown under the bus at work as my performance had dropped off dramatically and I knew I needed help.  I went to my doctor and told her what was happening.  She asked if I was suicidal, to which I said "If I was, I'd drink".  So she put me on medical leave, gave me some meds and referred me to a psychiatrist who I still have not seen.  I feel more settled on the Seroquel XR, but still feel surges of anxiety like I've never had before wanting to wake up and smell the coffee but having a hard time with it.  While I recognize that I've got some issues which I'm dealing with, I feel that a lot of it has to do with compulsive behaviors on both sides.  I think my anxiety is partly due to the fact that I've never gone through this type of thing sober.

Sorry to be so long-winded...this IS what I do.  (Even so much that I went back and edited this so it would maybe be more clear).

Post Edited (TryingToGetBy) : 4/24/2009 1:56:17 PM (GMT-6)

My point in all of this is that part of my recovery and condition is driven by all of these matters coming together at once...one could say "I doubt that coming off Wellbutrin would make someone do anything against their will", whereas as a recovering alcoholic I have gotten to a point where I can tell which of my emotions and feelings are part of my recovery and which seem to have come from elsewhere.  What I did not share was that my mother died a year ago, was the worst alcoholic I have ever seen or even heard about in my life, yet had 24 years of sobriety before her death.  In that last year, while she suffered from acute Parkinson's disease, I was able to ask her why she chose to spend so much of her life lying in bed, being self-defeatest, trying to sleep all hours of the day and night whether with the assistance of alcohol, prescription and non-prescription drugs and ultimately being an atypical pre-Betty Ford Era female drunk/addict.  It would eventually get much worse and she spent most of her later life in state-funded programs and eventually died the ward of a certain State in the midwest.  She said she just couldn't stop worrying about anything and everything and I suspect that what she was worrying about was herself.  When I went to see my doctor I told her that I was not worried about my divorce, I was worried about my worrying, and moreso, acute fear that I inherited something freaky from my mom.   I am happy to say the meds do seem to work (although someone reading this note might get the opposite impression), yet I can say more than anything that I have emotions now that I never had before, whether I was drinking or not.  One doctor said it may be as simple as realizing that I am older now and smarter.  Put it this way, I use to fly fighter planes and never once questioned what my mind was doing.  Take all of that and put it in a guy who is with someone who was (and possibly should still be) on Wellbutrin and it probably explains a lot of why this marriage didn't work.  As a simple example, I stay alive each day by working out, going to meetings, eating right, reading the Bible and the Big Book, meditating or praying, playing guitar and most recently, looking on the internet for information about this seemingly compulsive condition...oh, and yes, I have high blood pressure which is treated with Diovan HCT.

I do have the referal to a psychiatrist and have an appointment schedule for next month.

If I tell my therapist that I wrote all of this, she's going to think I'm psycho.  (I can laugh at myself...but the mere fact that I would type all of this stuff is a prime example of what's going on with me.)  I used to be on cruise in the Navy and we'd send huge letters back and forth, hand-written of course.  Now typing something like this might seem idiotic, but it's a real compulsion.  I guess I should just stop and just say "Good night".  As I am really an educated man and very interested in the subjects of recovery, anxiety and depression, I am sharing this for your feedback recognizing that it probably looks like I'm a real "piece of work"...but that is why I am writing it.

Post Edited (TryingToGetBy) : 4/24/2009 2:05:28 PM (GMT-6)

Glad to hear you got out and went to a concert........whooooo hooooooo.  I have one coming up and it is a treat for me as I have not been to one in years, I mean many years.  Bruce Springsteen on May 11th.  I am taking my daughter and my granddaughter.

It is good to do something for youself and know that I am so happy to hear you had a fun time. 

Keep on working on your own healing and know that you will make it over those bumps in the road.

Peace,

Kitt