*HOPE* for mythoughts

Hi Mythoughts,

I noticed that your thread was locked, I guess we ran out of room, so I started you another one with hopes that you will continue to post here.  We really do love reading about your progression with battling your depression and all of the other interesting things that are going on in your life.  So like I said, I hope that you will continue to post. 

I named your thead *HOPE* because Raniah suggested it and I think that you have really accomplished a lot since you started your first thread.  You really have come a long way since then.  I know that you mentioned that you didn't feel that things are that much better, but by reading what you write, it is clear that there have been some positive changes occuring. 

And as I catch myself saying a lot "keep up the good work".  You have really been putting your all into your healing journey, I am happy for that.  And happy for how far you have come.

Please do continue to post.

Hugs, Karen 

Mythoughts,

 

I am glad to see you are continuing your thread and I like your new title, it smacks of optimism.  Way cool. 

 

Kitt

Hi Mythoughts,

I really admire the way you can use humour even when you are feeling lousy (or extra lousy in this case). Please don't feel like a failure for taking time for your health. It's really important. The school year should be over in a month/month and a half, too, so there will hopefully be more time and more flexibility in your schedule after that. Hang in there, and remember that we care about you.

Hello Mythoughts,

I am sorry you cannot access your old thread at the same time you are posting in part 2 here.

For clarification, Ranish posted to you on 5/11

"Oh...I forgot to ask you something. It's been mentioned to me that once this thread reaches two hundred posts, we will need to start a new one. I think you mentioned a while ago that you were thinking of re-naming this thread "Hope" (as opposed to "No Hope"), and I wonder if you would feel comfortable starting a new thread for yourself with that name, or another name of your choice. It's your thread, and your decision, but I thought I'd give you the 'heads up' on the 200 post limit, anyhow. Have a wonderful day!"
___________________________________________

I did post a link in your old thread to direct members here so they could continue talking with you, but I did not request a lock down on your old thread and I am not sure who did.  We normally lock threads when they get up into the 100 range and start a Part 2 but as yours was just for you I felt it could ride as it seemed to be so helpful for you. I would have requested a lock down when it hit 200 as Raniah mentioned above.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless so let us try to get you out of hopeless and into feeling some hope again.

You have my prayers and I would truly like to hear that you will continue to work on your therapy. 

I wish you peace,

Kitt 

I can't sleep, so I guess I'll post!

Hi, all. Hope your day was great. Mine, well, some good stuff.
Thoughts of death swirl in my head, especially when I'm tired and sad. Now the feeling of being damaged, dangerous to anyone to close to me. Abnormal. On the fringe, always looking in from a distance.

Raniah, thank you for your good wishes and affirming compliments. It's not the day that is good for or tough on me. It is me that does it to me. To answer your question about what I do for me, I enjoyed exercising (cardio, or fast walking, on treadmill, then weights for muscle tone, while watching a rented movie in my basement exercise room). But one treadmill roller cracked right before I did in March, and the replacement is on back order. Too tired to go outside.

Kitt, thank you for your positive support. It means a lot. Keeping the thread active so long was wonderful. I felt important. That helped.

Akram, you have good points about feeling that bad times will pass.

DBT today: Mindfulness (Non judgemental skills to let go); Distress Tolerance (make a specific list of what works, with a written plan for several specific stressful times); and Interpresonal Relationships (make a list of what I want/ prioritise in conflict resolution).

Lots of homework. Must sleep. Bye. Thinking of all of you.
Going full time off next week, until DBT is done (first week June).

Hi Mythoughts,

I’m sorry you’re still having trouble sleeping. That can’t help but exacerbate the difficulties you’re having, and you certainly have my compassion. I am consistently amazed at how very different my perception of myself can be when I am sleep-deprived and run down, and I am supposing it may be the same for you. Have you spoken to the doc/clinician/group about this? It’s a really important issue, and I hope you will be provided with some help for this.

I also hope you will be able to get back to the exercising soon. That’s another thing that affects my mood, so perhaps I’m projecting here. However, I do believe, for a lot of people, exercise can have significant benefits when it comes to improving mood and overall feelings of wellness. Not being able to do this, especially when you enjoy it, must be frustrating.

I know you said you are too tired to go outside, but I wonder if you could go for a walk around the block once a day, perhaps first thing in the morning, or at lunch time. I have started going for 15-20 mins every morning when I get up, while the coffee is brewing, and it makes me feel really good. I also do the same in the evenings, but for a longer spell, and listening to the birds and being around all the activity in nature really comforts me. It’s quietly inspiring to see so many little creatures going busily about their course of living, doing what needs to be done, and just being what they are supposed to be. I guess they’re better at living in the moment than the rest of us, and that gives me pause for thought.

I’m glad you’re taking a break until the DBT is done. I hope this time of learning and practice will lift you up and give you hope. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for keeping us posted.

hope, i hope your fast asleep. i too have trouble in this area. jamie.

Hi Mythoughts, I hope you were able to sleep last night, as you had planned. I have been sleeping a little better, except on the nights that we’ve had thunderstorms. They don’t frighten me or anything, but the loud ‘crackling’ makes it hard to relax. I don’t blame you for turning down the sedatives. I think it’s best to try other methods first, to see if you can remedy the problem without depending on meds. I’m not suggesting meds are bad, but rather that our bodies sometimes regulate themselves when left to their own devices….and sometimes with a little help from meditative/relaxation practices and nutritional assistance. I hope things improve for you soon, and also hope you’ll be over the sinus infection a.s.a.p.. I’ve been working in my DBT workbook, as time and circumstances allow, and it’s been both interesting and helpful to me. Right now I am studying a section on making ‘wise mind’ decisions: allowing enough time for strong emotions to cool, in order to involve ‘reasonable mind’ in decision-making and avoid making rash statements to others, listening to the ‘center’ or ‘inner voice’, and examining the results of decisions to see if ‘wise mind’ has been employed (usually indicated by results that are healthy and beneficial). It’s been a positive experience for me, and it reinforces the work that I’ve done with my therapist, which gives me the sense of coming ‘full circle’ with all the rewards that that entails. I’m really glad that you’ll be continuing with DBT, and then with your MSW after the course is finished. I look forward to your next update, and you have my warmest wishes for the week ahead.

Hey MyThoughts,

I should have  mentioned that Karen is taking a break and enjoying long walks in the woods with her beautiful dogs and her husband too.  I  know she will return refreshed and soon be back here giving you the excellent support and advice she always does.

She is one awesome lady.

I agree with Raniah and wish  you a successful week.

Kitt

Hi, everyone. Thanks for checking in on me.
My flu kept me distracted from my sadness, but it was physically exhausting, so that by Monday I spent the day resting. My twisted, tired thoughts arose more frequently and intensely. Every morning this week I woke up with a full 8 hours sleep, but felt as if I were feeling the effects of a sedative. I'd drop off my kids at school, do errands/housework, and crash on my bed. I went to all 3 DBT classes, but participated less. Thoughts of death returned, but no planning.
What has begun is thoughts of self harm (cutting), not as a release of pain, but as punishment. You see, I still hate myself. Actually, I loath me. Yeah, that self esteem still needs work.
Why hate me? Well, I feel rejected by my wife. And I feel ridiculous for feeling rejected. Also, I am still 'stuck' on my past affair, and the fact that it is long gone. Even more ridiculous. The extra trigger was the knowledge that it is her birthday soon, and I send a card, asking her not to forget me (as she wrote to me on her birthday 5 years ago). No flowers or gift. I decided that that mailing would be my last, an attempt to say good-bye. How pathetic I am (more judgements... DBT challenges those, but old habits die hard). And for the first time in 5 years she emailed me, while I was in DBT class yesterday, hoping that my family and I are well, and that she has not forgotten. I was happy, then instantly devastated. I spoke to my clinician about it afterwards, and disclosed my urge to self harm. I felt safe, but she reviewed the protocol if I feel unsafe (Emerg Psych).

This feeling for her... love? or just clinging to good feelings (past loving)? I need to let go (Reasonable Mind), I want to hold on (Emotional Mind), so what is the compromise (Wise Mind)? Get unstuck but remember the happy times? How do I get there?

I just want to be away from everyone. Or be dead.
I can stand the pain, the anger, the shame, the sadness... I promised my daughter that I would not do anything crazy, so I'll have to endure, but my quality of life is poor.
Wow, I hate me.
I'm trying the Distress Tolerance (self soothing cool breeze, mindful breathing, positives). They help for the moment I do them, then the darkness returns. I'm to go exercising this morning (fast walk), as part of my plan made with the clinician yesterday. But it is so hard to move around, and my head is pounding.
I feel so unworthy. I began hating everything around me, everything that I've done.

I hope that your time away was great, Karen. Thank you for checking in, and Kitt, too.

Raniah, I'm glad that your DBT work has been helpful and positive.

Jamie, hope that you get some sleeep.

Thanks, Karen. I made it through the day.
My wife tells me of a man, a little younger than I, dying of cancer (she's a nurse). And I think of my ill health, totally self created, and feel like a real shmuck.

Still, I wait for the day that I die, but not by my hand. I've screwed up my life with my sadness, missed out on so much, and still do.

I'm glad that others out there are getting better.

Please say "Hi" to Raniah. She needs a Mac.

Dear MyThoughts,

You posted "my ill health, totally self created, and feel like a real shmuck."

You are not a shmuck nor are your ill health issues self created.  Depression is a real, treatable illness that affects the brain. It can’t be overcome by “snapping out of it.” Asking someone to “think positive” is like asking someone with diabetes to change his or her blood sugar level by thinking about it.

People with mood disorders can feel better with the right treatment. You are working very hard at learning how to deal with  your disorder and learning to live with it.  Please be proud of yourself and remember this is about you.  Yes many other people have horrible things going on in  their lives but that does not negate your problems.

Take care my friend and be well.

Our friends are like angels,
Who brighten our days.
In all kinds of wonderful,
Magical ways.

Peace begins with a smile,

Kitt

My Thoughts,

You know I am the great believer in staying in the moment so please do your best to be present in the very moment, do not try to over think what is happening in your life but let life happen to you.

You have the right to make your choices but plan some fun into your life.

Remember you are a rich man for "Who, being loved, is poor?" ~Oscar Wilde

Gentle Hugs and caring,

Kitt