*HOPE* for mythoughts

Staying in the moment.
I kept trying all day. And yesterday. And I always come back to self loathing and thoughts of punishing myself.
Just now, sitting on a step in my backyard, I looked up at the clouds through the swaying trees, and felt the light, cool breeze over my face and arms. And I was in the moment, and all the sadness and pain and anger became "unstuck" and slid away. Wow, I haven't felt that peaceful in... I don't know how long. She seemed so far away, the memories of my pain with both women in the distance. Letting go. I need more of these moments.

Thanks, Kitt. Hope you have been well, too.

Mythoughts,

You have got it.............congratulations.  I was in Atlanta, Gerogia in February of 2007 and that was during my toughest time.  I had gone with my daughter and I was really loosing it.  We stopped at a Starbucks that had a picnic table over looking a small lake. The temperature was about 65 degrees out with a light breeze. I sat on that picinic table and let the sunshine down on my face with my eyes closed thinking "I am OK,  the sun is warming me, I am safe."  That was my first time of really being in the moment.  I let go of all  other thoughts and just sat there floating in the warmth of the sun. I could feel the warmth of the caffe mocha in my hands and I just stayed that way until I felt the peace take control.

Staying in the moment.  Just being in the only moment you really have, the moment that is happening now.

Gentle moments to you always,

Kitt

I'm really not well again. No plans, but pervasive thoughts of death and self harm. The sadness is so hard to combat using those DBT skills.

Same stuff. Feel unloved, unworthy. Wish I were like those self reliant types who are sad about loss, yet move on. But I ain't like that. Acceptance. It never lasts.

Just want to go away, be by myself, until I die, which would be better sooner than later.

Thanks, Karen.

Hi My Thoughts, I am so sorry this sadness has emerged again.  As Kitt and Karen say try to stay in the moment. Do not project your thoughts so far ahead.  You had a nice moment sitting in your backyard.  If you were able to feel that then, you will be able to feel good again.  You are a very worthwhile person and you are very much cared about by all of us on this forum. It takes time and work to get to that place we want to be at but it is all possible.  We all have been at some pretty low points in our lives but it is possible to come out for the better.  Please keep trying to take things one moment at a time.  You have reached out to us. Remember all these wonderful friends you have here. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Hugs,

 

Aurora

Good Morning mythoughts

I found your last post touched my heart as I felt  a kindred spirit in you.  You wrote " hyper sensitive to others, like a burn victim to touch, to perceptions of rejection, and don't forget the lack of esteem."

I would apply those very traits to myself.  I have become very hyper sensitive to others as I was raised by a verbally abusive step mother, always told to be the good person and turn the other cheek so I  look for approval from others or acknowledgement that I am worthy in the words and validation of my peers instead of  believing that I am OK without it.  I often find myself overcome with feelings of anxiety, discouragement and depression.

I sometimes  sense people judge me when I try to fight my way back as they do not understand that I am a person with depression and I deal with the very same problems as each of the members here.  It makes me feel very alone here in the forum at times. I know that is a lot of  "stinkin thinkin" and I try to kick it to the curb but  I do not always succeed.

I feel so alone and lonely; my friends of 26 years were all tied to my fulltime job and when I retired they moved on.  I have no family other then my husband and my adult children and grandchildren so I truly do not have much of a social life..............no luncheons to go to, no one to shop with...............I have felt very isolated for the past 3 years.  I work hard at finding some good things to do but sometimes the  struggle wears me out.

Yes I have worked diligently with my therapist and I continue to work on me but unlike you I look forward to the night and bedtime so I can sleep and not  have to struggle so hard to be in the moment. Morning are often my tough times as each new day dawns I often feel lost and don't know what to do with myself.

I also went out and got a part time job which has helped so much and I am proud of myself for that. 

As for low self esteem, I have been working on that for  years now and sometimes I am fine but with the depression the self esteem can take a beating.

“Low self-esteem is often characterized by an "inner critic," which is a part of you that constantly berates your efforts and belittles your achievements. Sometimes an inner critic takes on the voice of a victim ("no one will give me a chance") or a perfectionist ("I should be doing better than this"), but the end result is an ongoing drag on your self-esteem. You can counter negative self-talk by first recognizing it for what it is and then responding to it with positive counterstatements.

This is something I work hard at but sometimes the overwhelming feelings of sadness just take over and I plumment.............so my advice for today is to keep on working on loving yourself and accepting yourself.

When your inner critic starts to berate you, respond with the appropriate counterstatement every time. Eventually, your counterstatements will arise naturally in your mind whenever your inner critic gets going, keeping the negativity in check.

Remember, the world is a better place because you live and serve within it. 

Peace begins with a smile.

Kitt

 

Hi Mythoughts, I’m back now….with computer in hand (haven’t switched to a Mac….yet). I just finished catching up on your posts, and I’m sorry to know how you have been suffering. The way that you described your feelings for ‘her’, and the brief happiness you experienced, followed by immediate sadness, when she emailed you, really resonated with me. I really do understand how you don’t know exactly what it is you’re feeling, or how to deal with the feelings. As you know, I see (and sometimes talk to) ‘him’ a few times every week, and I experience that see-saw of emotions, too. My heart feels full of joy and anticipation when I see him, even after all this time, and yet even a brief conversation will leave me so very sad and full of longing as soon as the moment is over. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to get past it. Like you, I question whether this is clinging to something that once was but will never be again, or if it goes deeper than that…..if, perhaps, I have hinged my sense of being loveable on this one person and his feelings or reactions. Of course, the Reasonable Mind tells me that it is unhealthy, at the very least, and self-destructive, at worst (?), to place that kind of power in anyone else’s hands….and the Emotional Mind keeps an iron grip on the feelings of longing and wanting to be filled up by this person. I can lay all of this out before me, and look at it, and analyze it, but the fact remains that these encounters send me into a tailspin before I can react and sort it out in any sort of sane manner. It’s like a reflex, I suppose. I still have hope that someday I will be able to have peace and accept things for the way that they are. Yes, the pain of depression can seem unbearable at times, and it feels comforting to be isolated from the world….even from those in your own family. However, I do find (in my own experiences) that if I isolate myself for too long (meaning more than several days), the depression becomes worse, and rapidly so. I’m not always up to socializing on the bad days (or even on the good ones, being the loner that I am), but I do find immense comfort….a sort of ‘grounding’ experience, as Karen described it….when I spend time outdoors in a quiet place, and it seems that maybe that is what you experienced, too, in that moment you described when you were sitting in your backyard. I hope you will allow yourself that pleasure as often as you can….to feel the elements, and let the wind carry your pain away while you rest. I understand why you have the thoughts that you do about coming to the end of life. It’s overwhelming to think about what lies ahead, or how you will cope, and I have come to the point now where I don’t allow myself to look too far ahead into the future. I try to make it my goal each day to find a few moments of pleasure and peace, and I’ve stopped beating myself up so much for the projects/chores/activities that go undone in a day. It still happens at times, but I catch it more quickly now. It takes practice, and perhaps as you practice, it will come more easily. I really hope so. I was interested to read your comments about sensitivity. It was only about two years ago that I was given some tests which identified me as an “HSP”, as the term goes (Highly Sensitive Person), and that opened my mind to a new way of looking at myself and the way that I relate to the world. I spent a lot of time with my therapist after that, putting together the pieces of my childhood and realizing how I was raised to believe that sensitivity was a very negative trait….almost a disability, really….and then working with her to recognize and appreciate the positive aspects of being ‘highly sensitive’. It helped me a lot in my efforts to love myself and not be so cruel and unforgiving to myself. I hope you will have that experience, too, so that you can see what a gift it can be to yourself and to those in your life. Please stay with us, and hang onto the threads of hope that exist for you. There is meaning and purpose to our lives, even in suffering, and I do believe that sharing this with others is part of our reason for being here. I appreciate your posts….with the honesty and deep feelings that you share….and I do hope that the knowledge that others care about you will help you on your darker days.

hi hope, with dx mdd and esp severe borderline personality disorder i know all about self harm, hoping what i say is within the guidelines, just thought i'd say i do understand. hoping you are feeling better, sending some healing energy 2 u. i don't know about you, but my sleep hygeine pattern is vertually non-existant, something i am working on, started to drop the coffee after 8, yeah caffine freak, and because of past experiences, i tend to study in the wee hours, been doing a lttle each day during the day to help my distorted brain adjust. cheers, jamie

Wow Kitt, you are so eloquent and seem to know what to say at just the right moment. You inspire me to get through my own problems as you are living proof that it can be done. Thank you for your wisdom xx

Mythoughts & Rania, It is very interesting what you said about the sensativity, I think that most depressed people are highly sensative, I maybe wrong but this is how I feel. I'm a highly sensative person too, I'm not diagnosed with that but I seem to go through the same same sensativity issues that you and rania go through, like not getting over past love relationships. mythoughts like you sometimes I prefer to be alone rather than risk being rejected by someone but I'm trying to change that, but it's very dificult. and rania like you when I meet someone I used to love ( or continued to love by can't get over it) I feel that happy moment when I am with them and I want the world to stop there.

kitt, your posts always inspire me. I think you also are a sensative person like mythoughts and rania. and like you I am always feeling good when it's time to go to bed because it is the time to relax and forget, and in the morning I have no Idea what to do and I usually end-up over sleeping.

Jamie I think me and you are the same when it comes to sleep, my sleep patern is broken too, everyday I seem to shift a few hours.

Mythoughts, I hope that soon we will hear from you again, and know that along with the other healingwell members, that I too care about you a lot, and think about you. your thread does mean a lot to me, infact it is my favourate thread in this forum. Your story is very touching to me and although it is a sad one it is very interesting to read and I can relate to a lot of what you say. Please know that in the end you will find a way out of this and recover, I know that the road is very hard and it will probably take sometime, but keep doing those baby steps as they say "even the 10,000 mile journey begins with 1 step". maybe it's time that you considered making some changes in your life, I'm not sure if it approtriate of me to make suggestions since I don't know what you might find appealing but I could give you some ideas that could start you thinking about possible changes, try and just think about the limitless posibilaties that GOD provided us, one of the things GOD said is "I made earth large so you can discover" so the first thing I would suggest is a nice vacation spot to visit. so instead of buying that new car or that new house, maybe you could spend money on a vacation in a nice resort, like clubmate or anything that you find interesting to you and your family, it may even bring you closer toghether. clubmates are cool because they usually come in a themes, for example if you like golf then you can try clubmate golf, or if you like surfing or tennis or dancing that is also possible, they usually have very active scheduals with special programs and events for the children too. here is a link with some information clubmate resorts information . also if you live in the city have you considered to live outside the city? or maybe you can consider taking a bike to work instead of driving the car, if the distance is not too long, you will get some fresh air and some excersize. or you could maybe consider a dancing class or learn spanish? anything that could change the spice of your life so instead of feeling empty or alone you can spice up your life and your family's life a little. I guess it could be dificult to do changes since your too buesy with your full-time job and the usual house chorse or other things, but it's only a suggestion, something to think about. good luck to you on your journey and I hope to hear from you soon!

Hi Mythoughts, I’m glad that you returned to let us know how you’re doing. From reading your post, it seems like you have been steadily practicing DBT and experiencing some progress in your attempts to heal. I’m encouraged by what you’ve written, and I hope you can see the positive light that I see in your words. Personal freedom is something that I was speaking about to Karen (getting by) last night. I was telling her about watching the movie, The Truman Show, yesterday, and how it reminded me of the importance I place on my personal freedom. Being able to make my own choices in life is incredibly valuable to me, and so I understand why you wouldn’t want to end up in the hospital again. I’m glad you’ve found the change in medication time to be helpful to your wakefulness in the mornings. It always amazes me how everything we put into our bodies affects our natural rhythms. I’m also glad that the DBT has helped you to achieve some freedom from suffering about ‘her’. That must be a welcome relief to you. I guess I view acceptance as being able to live with the feelings that accompany a situation or event, no matter what those feelings might be or their intensity, particularly when the situation is something over which we have no control. My brother and I have had some heavy and heated discussions about whether or not we have a lot of control over what happens to us in life. I believe that we do not have control over much at all, except the way that we deal with life’s experiences and encounters. Learning to accept must be one of life’s greatest challenges, and perhaps one of the most important. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on effectiveness. The statement, “Being effective is doing what increases one’s self respect, regardless of the outcome”, really affected me in a positive way. I am interpreting this to mean that using Wise Mind is an important/necessary part of increasing or maintaining one’s self respect….is that correct? I hope your return to work will bring you some satisfaction and enjoyment, even on the days when you would prefer to be by yourself. I don’t know about you or the others here, but I do find that having a routine brings some steadiness and even calm, at times, to my days. I wish you the same experience as you get back into your routine. Thank you for wondering about us, as well. Things are more settled and calm for me lately, and I am feeling more centered and grounded than I have for a while, which makes me happy. I am focused on being kind to myself and to others, whenever possible, and that brings me a great deal of fulfillment. Best wishes for the remainder of the day, and for the days ahead. I wish you serenity, as well.

MyThoughts,

I am so glad to see you posting but I understand your need to work on you and to take care of you so please know that I want your best interests to come first.

I am over my head here a bit right now but the world will right itself soon. 

I am glad to hear your going to be going back to work but taking time to continue your therapy.

I know a ways back in one of your threads you gave us the name of a workbook and I cannot find that.  Do you think you could post the name again?  I think I remember reading that Raniah had ordered it, a self help workbook?

Please keep on with your healing and loving yourself...........we are all here for you and remember the world is a better place because you live and serve within it.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Hi Mythoughts,

I popped into the forum and saw that you have posted. I am glad that you popped in to let us know how you are doing. I know that you are working hard to get better, and I hope that you are feeling well.

Take care my friend,

Hugs, Karen