*HOPE* for mythoughts

Hi Mythoughts, I find your posts to be really interesting and thoughtful as well. I appreciate your openness in sharing your feelings about your life and your relationships, and I’m also grateful for your explanations re: the DBT. Right now I am working on judgment diffusion, and finding ways to cope with situations where someone has done something which *appears to me* to be intentionally hurtful. I’ve found that I need a significant amount of time alone after a hurtful discussion or event in order to diffuse judgments and get back to a calm place inside. In addition to that, I’ve had the good fortune to be able to talk openly with a trusted friend, so that I can examine all the ‘what ifs’ and possible misinterpretations, and come to an understanding that not all words and actions that hurt me are intended by the other person to hurt me. It sounds so simple as I am typing it, but there are some people who really push my buttons, and I have to practice and be mindful in order to avoid jumping to conclusions in this way. Getting the facts of the situation out there, and my accompanying feelings, and then hearing an objective viewpoint from someone I trust, really helps me to understand the other person’s point of view, and to avoid taking things personally. I often wonder if judgment is just a natural reflex, or if we develop it to an unhealthy extent because of our past hurts and our fears regarding security and being loved. I hope that this week will hold some new and positive developments for you, particularly in your efforts to improve your relationship with your wife. Is she still seeing her MSW? I hope so, and I hope it’s helping her. Thanks for keeping in touch. You have my very best wishes, as always. Kitt: I don’t know if Mythoughts is working with a book right now, but the book that I ordered for myself is called “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance”, by Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Jeffrey C. Wood, Psy.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, M.D.. I’m finding it to be both interesting and helpful, and there is a noticeable overlap with some of the practices commonly used in CBT, which I know you practice as well. I hope this is the information you were seeking. Akram: Thanks for your comments about my signature line. I really do believe that the world is a different place for us when we change the way we look at it and the people in it. I appreciate your views as well.

mythoughts, just dropping by to check how you are doing. you are in my thoughts and I wonder how you are doing, I hope this week was better for you and that you are seeing some improvement, good luck to you, and keep strong :)

Hello, Raniah. Yes, those judgements. We need to make decisions based on that which we predict will happen, on that which we think we know, in order to get on with life. The problems that arise for sensitive people like us is our emotional reaction to the judgement, the thoughts that they produce, and our actions.

Then there are the next emotions triggered by the first and the thoughts we attach. Pain that I hang onto leads to sadness, or anger, or fear, or all of them. A spiral of doom and gloom from our interpretation of someone else's action or statement. And that doesn't mean that our inference is incorrect, although I have blown many things out of proportion with further judgements.
For example, 'she' is married to another man. It is over between us, and has been for 5 years, a correct conclusion. Why the pain still? My judgement about me, that I am not worthy of love. I don't think of it at first in those words, but Describe Emotions and Thoughts is one aspect of Mindfulness that I'm practising. Then anger at myself because I made an incorrect decision. Then sadness, then fear that I'll never be loved like that again. Then come the thoughts of self harm and suicide. I try to use Distress Tolerance, and Mindfulness (especially Non Judgmental Stance), to interrupt and redirect that spiral, with mixed effectiveness.

Yeah, it happened again Sat eve. My wife acted miserable about stuff around the house, and I asked what the real problem was. She explained, I listened and then told my side and asked her to just be more forthcoming about how she feels before getting into the extra misery. I tried Opposite Action (Emotional Regulation) rather than just getting angry, and even tried hugging her. She did not hug back. I was effective in getting the situation from getting worse, yet felt awful because I felt rejected. That night, dreams of 'her' with a young child haunted me. I was emotionally exhausted Sun am, wanting to hurt myself many times, and called in sick one more day to recover.

What a change from last week, where I survived 'her' birthday, rode the emotional wave without ending up in hospital or hurting myself. I survived using my skills learned.
It's like being at a beach, standing in the water, and the ocean waves crash into me, knocking me down, but not out. The fell and taste of salt are like the leftover emotions that linger. But the waves keep coming, and sometimes I can see them coming, sometimes not when by 'salt'. So when I feel free of 'her', when that wave passes, then it is my current relationship smacking into me. Then 'she' comes back. I get so tired.

Well, I finished DBT last week, but will continue on a graduate group, once per week for 4 more weeks, just to review and check in. The DBT doc also interviewed me as part of a study on persons with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She rated me a 7 out of 10. Eight was the cut off for BPD, so I am not diagnosed with it. I believe that the difference had to do with impulse control. I have some impulse problems, but not to such an extreme.
Everyone apparently has features of PDs, but as the in-hospital psych said, I have strong features, and probably some of the other PDs (I think Avoidant PD and Dependent PD, part of the anxious Cluster C).

DBT helps me get over the waves, but the underlying problems need attention now: how did I get so many thoughts twisted, and how can I untwist them? Doc also has 2 referrals for me to choose for long term therapy (a year): a GP who only deals with psychotherapy; and a psych resident, who would be report to a supervising doc. Go for the more experienced with less credentials, or the less experienced who is working toward full specialty? I want the immediate experience with the GP, not the delayed responses from the resident as he may have to check with his supervisor for suggestions. And I guess it would bother me having someone 10 to 15 years younger (I'm assuming) trying to counsel me.
And I begin again with my MSW in July. She wants to focus on my anxiety.

Thanks for checking in Akram and Jamie. Hope that you are well.

I hope that you are doing well, too, Raniah. I'm glad that you have a friend to check out your thoughts and feelings, like a sound board. You're wise to seek out such help. If you are like me, then you may have this sensitive personality (maybe hyper or HSP) for many years to come, and having skills to deal with it can hopefully help make life more liveable. You always sound like you have wise ways to help yourself.

I've thought about reconnecting with someone who could be my sound board, but have no close friends or relatives. I did run into an old friend at a baptism last Fall. He is a priest, who was a deacon when we met 20 years ago, and he married my first wife and I after he was ordained. I'm not Catholic anymore, but a soft agnostic, yet I could sit with him knowing that he'd be impartial, not preachy, kinda like an agnostic confession. Well, we'll see.

Maybe I should finish (that is, start) my students' Report Cards. They were due to the office today, but seeing as I have been off for 3 weeks, I'm not regretful that they are late. They are probably just glad that I'm doing them, because I didn't have to while ill. Well, at least I'm mindful that I have some professional confidence.

It is not the things themselves that disturb people but their judgements about those things. - Epictetus, early 2nd century CE.

Good evening, Mythoughts. Yes, emotions are always at the forefront with me, so I understand what you mean about the downward spiral that can ensue from our interpretation of someone else’s action or statement. Sometimes I have such a toxic reaction, I have to isolate myself for a period of time before I can relate the event to another person, even a trusted friend. During that isolation, I try to use healthy coping mechanisms to settle myself into a ‘wise mind’ state, but I do have times where I go for the unhealthy fix first. We’re human, and we need to cut ourselves some slack sometimes. Some days, just getting up and getting through the day is a real accomplishment. Other days, we can require more of ourselves. On the good days, I keep a close watch on myself and push myself to do the wise and healthy thing. On the not-so-good days, I tread a fine line between forgiving myself and letting myself get away with murder! I feel a common bond with you in your sadness about ‘her’, as I carry my sadness about ‘him’ wherever I go. I doubt that anyone could be as hard on us as we are on ourselves. The fact that we are both seeking help and working our way through therapy is a positive thing, though….to me, it’s an indication of self-care and some hope that things will get better, or at least less hurtful. I suppose there’s still an idealist inside me who believes that I can be happy in my life, even without ‘him’, and so I keep trying and moving forward. I’m really in awe of the way you handled the situation with your wife on Saturday evening. Being able to ‘do the opposite’, including an attempted hug, during such a heavy and emotionally-charged situation had to be a real test of your strength (well…it would be a test of mine, I can assure you). I think that’s truly amazing. You mentioned in an earlier post that being effective does not always mean getting the results one wants, but doing what increases one’s self-respect, regardless of the outcome. I think the fact that you were able to diffuse the situation is a real accomplishment. I realize that there was great sadness for you after the fact, and for that I am sorry. I understand very well how rejection, even in its smallest form, can quickly evolve into a confirmation of our worst fears about ourselves and our unworthiness to be loved. I hope that your sadness will not completely override your recognition of the progress you’ve made. You’re right….the waves do keep coming, and it gets tiring…..exhausting, at times. When you’re tired, please rest your body and your mind. I don’t know what methods of relaxation or distraction or soothing you’ve talked about in your group, but I’ve had some success with visualization exercises and meditation. I’d be interested to know what works for you, if/when you feel like sharing. Whatever it is, please allow yourself the time and space to do it……and be kind to yourself, because you’re working hard and dealing with a lot of heavy issues right now. That’s interesting about the BPD testing. I definitely agree that everyone has features of PDs. As far as the choice of referrals you’ve been given, is there any chance of having a trial run (even if it’s one session) with both of them before you decide? If not, I’d go with the GP as well, for the level of experience and because of the age factor. (I recall from an earlier post that you and I are the same age, so I can relate to your feelings about this.) Dealing with the underlying problems is really important, and it’s something I’ve been working on, too, in what seems like a very lengthy process….but it’s been worth it, and I intend to keep going with it. I hope you will find it worthwhile, too. Re: the HSP issue, I agree with you that we have to try to develop skills to make our lives more liveable. I really think being an HSP is an innate characteristic of who I am, and I’m not anxious to rid myself of it, for I do believe it carries at least as many positive qualities as it does negative ones. That being said, my goal is to learn to manage the negatives so that they don’t overwhelm me, and perhaps enhance the positives so that I can reap more enjoyment from them, and from my life in general. (There’s that idealist rearing its head again….) I would encourage you to consult with your friend, the priest, especially since you already feel that he would be “impartial, not preachy” (sounds like he would fit the bill as far as being a good sounding board and offering an objective opinion). I definitely think it’s worth a try, when you feel ready. Thank you for the quotation about judgements…..that made me smile. Good luck with those report cards, and please continue to hang onto that professional confidence. I’m glad you posted, and I hope the week brings some peace and some happiness to you. You deserve it.

Thank you, Akram, Raniah and Karen.

Your posts are thoughtful and encouraging. It's late, so I'll respond another time.

Thanks.

Hi Mythoughts, It's been a while, so I thought I'd drop by and say hello. I hope you are feeling well, and finding some moments of happiness and peace.

Hello, all.
Posting has been infrequent for me. It is not a lack of interest. I do these privately, and I have little of that as of late. And I loss my internet connection for several days, reducing opportunities for access.

Hi, Raniah. I am OK. Better than last week. Thoughts of self harm don't come daily, and thoughts of death, although daily, are more infrequent. The busy end of school year stuff distracts me, keeps me in the moment, participating, mindful of the now. You asked about my methods of staying in wisemind, and those are some. Non judgemental thoughts are important, too, to take it easy on myself. I'm glad that you have multiple techniques, too. I find that one is never enough. And the Half Smile (Distress Tolerance- Radical Acceptance), is a favourite, like teflon to sticky emotions.

I've asked to see the GP therapist. Hoping it helps in the long term with my underlying self loathing, while the DBT gets me through the daily waves.

I feel a common bond with you, too, Raniah, and am thankful for the sharing of your ideas and feelings. I wonder how your HSP is affecting you, and how many times you have encountered 'him' this week. Having sensitive emotions is a reality for me. Not a deficit, yet it is an area of concern. It is neither good nor bad, but just is, and I must learn to cope, and maybe someday be less reactive. I wish the same for you.

Thanks for dropping by, Jamie. Always nice to know people are interested in my progress.

Wow, the NIH (US) states that almost 15% of US adults have one or more Personality Disorders (PDs). And I'm on the fringe of that group, having strong features of some whilst not having any one diagnosis. I wonder what the % is of us fringe types or mixed PDs, above the 15% mentioned. We need a club, or at least have jackets...

Thinking of you all.


Some things are up to us, and others are not. Up to us... is our own action. Not up to us... whatever is not our own action... [and] is nothing to me.
- Epictetus, 2nd Century CE (from The Handbook by Arrian)

Hi, Jamie. Yes, 2% is the size of the US BPD population, too, according to NIH. If you were part of a research study in 2004, and you feel that you still have the diagnosis, then the condition seems to take a long time with which to deal. Have you made any headway? Is it 2 steps forward, 1 back?

Wishing you well from another Commonwealth country, Canada. (But luckily, since this is a just a text site, you are spared from my rendition of God Save the Queen).

Cheers.

Good Morning Mythoughts,

I am glad to see your updates and know you are contiuing to keep on with your DBT.  Your are receiving so much wonderful support and interacting so well with other members here that I won't try to muddy the waters but did want you to know that I am here and I support you.

I understand your struggles.  With a 26 year history of depression and anxiety I know exactly how you feel at times and I know how hard it is to keep on moving forward but I believe in you.

Take care and if you ever need anything, please let me know.

Kitt

 

hello mythoughts, I'm glad you posted again, good to hear that you are keepnig buesy and staying with the moment. also that you are able to stick with DBT and want to see your counsler for further help. it's nice to hear as well that your thoughts abotu self-harm are less frequent, these are good steps. hoping things will continue ti improve for you, take care!

Hi Mythoughts, LOL @ Bob & Doug McKenzie…I remember seeing Strange Brew at the movies when I was a teenager. It seems like many lifetimes ago! I understand why you might be apprehensive about the summer, with the change in routine….whatever that might entail for you. I hope that you’ll have happy moments with your family, and some fair weather adventures, to lift your spirits. I’m glad you have the DBT Grad group, and then your MSW appointments, to keep you feeling productive in your healing process. I hope the wait for the GP won’t be too long….I know these things can take time, but I’m optimistic for you that the wait will really be worth it. Re: the mask, I have a question for you, if you feel comfortable answering it (and I will try to answer it, as well)….what do you think your feelings would be if you were to take it off for a day? I think my strongest feeling would be fear. I would be afraid that someone would see my vulnerable spots and use that knowledge to hurt me. I’ve had many people tell me that I am too trusting, but on the inside, I find it difficult to show the deeper levels of who I am. I appreciate what you said about my coping skills with respect to my run-ins with ‘him’. Even more, I can relate to the progression of feelings that you’ve experienced when you’ve seen ‘her’. I’m having a lot of trouble with Radical Acceptance where this situation is concerned. I don’t know if I’m looking for a reason that it ended, or some meaning behind this whole situation, but the fact is that a relationship in the form that I desire is no longer possible. My head knows it, but my heart is another story. I’m glad you’re changing classrooms. It has always amazed me how an environment can hold so many strong memories, as if the walls and the objects within them carry the energy of a person or an event. I hope….so much….that the move down the hallway will be a move away from pain and sadness, and towards a more peaceful and hopeful spirit. I’m grateful for what you’ve written about Epictetus (although sorry to read about your mom’s cakes!). You’ve piqued my interest, and reminded me of the things I used to read before my life took a rather wayward path. I miss having someone to talk to about these ideas, and I’m glad to know there is someone else out there who finds this to be thought-provoking reading material. Hey, leather jackets are great…..I would definitely consider leather to be ‘natural’, so that fits the bill for me. Can we do something with a bit of vintage style? Not Michael Jackson in Thriller style (ugh!) but something a bit more David Crosby circa 1970 without the fringes, perhaps? Thanks for your post. I hope the rest of your reports, and the rest of your school days, go smoothly for you. Keep in touch.

Raniah, my mask is a representation of part of me, a part that seems appropriate to the situation, so it is magnified to cover the other, private sides of me. I can't really take it off, because it is a part of me. When I go flat, when feeling threatened or my emotions go extreme, that calm demeanor comes from within, covering all else. The in-hospital doc challenged this reaction as not matching my true state, like someone running but not sweating. Old habit.

I do understand what you mean about exposing yourself. Scary. Painful. Shame comes in here, too.

Always look forward to your posts, Raniah.

Akram, thanks for your suggestions. I'm glad that they work for you. And thanks for following my story.

Update: exhausted. Wife grumpy about finances. Rejected. Thoughts of         my arm (but won't). Hate myself. Yup, that sums it up. Twisted thoughts back. Don't want to untwist. No quotes tonight. Bye.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/20/2009 7:54:32 AM (GMT-6)

Hi, mythoughts

I just wanted to introduce myself (Im Maz) and let you know that you are clearly loved and valued here. You are as worthy and deserving of happiness as the next person. I also sense that you are a survivor, that you have a hidden strength you yourself may not be aware of.

Thinking of you, hoping you find some relief soon,

Maz XX